ESTRANGED

Over a year ago, in my post ‘The Good Me & The Bad Her‘, I wrote the following words –

Some of you know my feelings about me as a father to my sons.  Many years I felt like a failure because I was out of my son’s lives at a young age – they do not really know me.  This is one reason for starting this blog; I want to share me and who I am and my life in writing so my sons may someday know who I was and know who I am.

In today’s post, I write the following –

From Google –

es·tranged

iˈstrānjd/

adjective

adjective: estranged

(of a person) no longer close or affectionate to someone; alienated.

“Harriet felt more estranged from her daughter than ever”

(of a wife or husband) no longer living with their spouse.

past participle: estranged

“his estranged wife”

I just do not understand why?

In the past, I had asked myself, what did I do or not do to deserve the absence from my life; the no communication and the appearance of not caring?

I refuse to blame myself any longer.

I refuse to cry anymore tears.

But it does still bothers me, more so today, because my life has changed, my health has changed.

Life threatening or not, shouldn’t this bring us closer?

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I have not written about my relationship with my sons in quite a while.  I have written posts about their birthdays, but nothing specifically about our relationship today.

My sons have known about my cancer since I found out about it; I have hidden nothing from them.  You remember it was important for me to visit my family for Thanksgiving.  I did see my 3 sons at that time and I feel fortunate to have spent some time with them.  For many years I would not receive a call from my sons and it was always me calling them because I was interested in them and their lives.  Many years I did not receive a call on my birthday and even Father’s Day.  I blamed their lack of interest in me on myself; it was my fault.  I overcame this self-blame last year after writing posts about them and me and our relationship.  Today, I no longer blame myself.

One of my sons calls on a regular basis – thank you son.  The other two sons do not call me and in the past I would call them, but now no longer do I call.

These 2 sons I saw at Thanksgiving and they were aware of my surgery.  These 2 sons I have not heard from since my surgery.  These 2 sons I have not spoken with since Thanksgiving.

Are we estranged?

Again, I just do not understand why?

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In the past, I had asked myself, what did I do or not do to deserve the absence from my life; the no communication and the appearance of not caring?

Again, I refuse to blame myself any longer.

Again, I refuse to cry anymore tears.

But it does still bothers me, more so today, because my life has changed, my health has changed.

63 thoughts on “ESTRANGED

  1. That’s a hard one, but I am glad you no longer blame yourself, and I understand that it can still be painful……my heart goes out to you…..I am glad that your son is calling you, and I am betting the other 2 are hearing how dad is doing through him…..xxxxxxkat

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thanks kat, I am unsure if the one son is letting the other two know or not. I decided I would not call them, because honestly besides being hurt some I have some anger. I will continue to wait and see and one day once I am in a better place, I may call them. Thanks for your always kind comments. 🙂

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  2. I have found that blame is a useless thing. The past can’t be changed. I have been trying to “fix” things with my son, even though I still do not know what I did wrong. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get to know. I think all we can do is look forward and try to do as we can, all the while hoping that something will change for the better. Hugs to you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, I will agree with you – the past is in the past and looking forward is the best thing. I do hope things change but if they do not, I know I moved on. Thanks for your understanding comment, I hope your day is happy. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. That one of your sons calls regularly is wonderful. That the other two don’t is sad. But it is a reflection only on their lack of ability to find a way through. I agree with your other readers that there is a certainty they know how things are through your son who does call you. Cold comfort probably but cold is better than no comfort. I wish I could wave a magic wand over all the broken families (and I include mine incidentally) and make it easy for the children to be with both parents but sometimes they find it hard and you, decent, kind, loving father that you are, do the right thing by not pressuring them. Again I say, I am proud to call you my friend. Very proud.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Osyth, you have a way with your words that reflects kindness and understanding and support. I decided at this time I will not call them, I just want to see if they would call me for a change to see how I am doing. I am not holding my breath, but still will wait and see. You always have kind words for me and bring a smile to my face – even when I have shed a few tears today after posting this. Thank you my friend.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I hope things change for you. It’s good you are revealing yourself to your sons, even though they don’t respond today. You will always be their father. The time may come someday when they will need that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for the kind comment. I do hope the time will come someday, but I will no longer blame myself. I appreciate you stopping by today to read and comment. Hope you have a wonderful day. 🙂

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  5. Don’t blame yourself, but keep your heart open, and cry if you need to. Life can throw curve balls and wonderful surprises. Cherish the moments and keep hope open for more! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  6. In their time, they may realize their loss and begin to want a relationship with you. Or they may not..it’s THEM, not you. You have made your peace with the past, apologized and done the work you needed to do, now it’s up to them to accept it and be mature men. I don’t know them obviously, but it makes my heart hurt to read of children and parents being distant. I have no children and I was a lousy child to my parents at the end. My relationship with my remaining family is like yours in a way..one of my siblings makes a bit of an effort (on his terms of course), the other one does not. I seem to make the last one angry on some level or perhaps the bridge is just too burned for crossing. At any rate, let them know again that you love them and you are there for them…the rest is up to them. Best wishes Terry…I know it’s difficult.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you dear for your understanding and kind words. I will again contact them in the near future, once I know what the next steps are for me concerning my health. I move on and look forward and do the best I can. Thanks for the comment, always appreciated. 🙂

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  7. That is a tough one for you. After many many years of blame, I am pleased that you are no longer blaming yourself. That is triumphant.
    I am so happy that one of your sons is in regular contact with you, and I am sure he does relay information back to his brothers. They may just not have found a way, and in time I hope they do. Emotionally though, it will bother you, because you are a loving, kind man. Lets hope and pray for a miracle my friend. Have a wonderful day further. 🙂 x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lynne, I do hope the one son does communicate with the others about what is taking place with me – I don’t know and I don’t ask. And in my heart, I do hope someday things change. Thanks for your kind comment, I am fortunate to have a great friend as you.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I have had to let each one of my step children go. Two have returned, one has not. I am sad but I also have stopped blaming myself. I am glad that you have a relationship with one son, perhaps in time the other two will return.

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    • Paula, I know there are many of us that have similar experiences. And yes, us not blaming ourselves is a huge step in accepting the ways things are. I do hope the relationship with the other two changes – will wait and see. Thanks for your understanding comment, I appreciate you very much. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Your post also struck a cord in my heart. I have been alone with four children. Sometimes for long periods they don’t contact me either. Then I realize that they are busy with their lives and take me for granted. Still I feel a bit hurt that they don’t think it’s important or necessary to keep me involved in their lives. One day when we the parents are not alive anymore they will start to think about it. A bit too late. How I wish for reconciliation for you and your boys. I am a Christian so I pray for emotional healing for my children.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Terry, don’t blame yourself ever! Young people have lives of their own, and it’s up to us to keep reaching out to them. It’s a blessing that one son is communicating with you on a regular basis, and you have to (HAVE TO!) assume that he is keeping the other two “in the loop.” It isn’t easy for young people to talk to someone who is not well; they simply don’t have the social graces and are afraid to say or ask something inappropriate. It’s easier to shy away from communication and convince themselves that if you need them, they’ll be there for you. At their age (and I don’t know their age, but I am assuming they are fairly young) they do not understand that what you need is to heat from them. Keep reaching out and letting them know that you love them unconditionally. As my grandmother used to say, “Keep giving – it’ll come back to you in the most unexpected way!”

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dolly, I appreciate your comment and understanding. My sons are by no means young – they are all in their 30s and this is the reason I fill distant from them. They are old enough and able enough to understand that dad is going through a difficult time and their absence in communication is hurting me. It may be that they will change in the future – time will tell. Happy Wednesday. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Dear Terry, of course it is hurting you, and you have a full right to feel hurt. But 30’s is still young, and inexperienced in empathy and social graces. My sons are older than yours (the older one is in his mid 40’s), and they had the same issue when I needed their empathy, even to hear their voices on the phone. The older one got it sooner, but when it came to a crunch, both of them were there for me in a very major way. Don’t let your hurt stop you from reaching out to them! Blessings!

        Liked by 1 person

  11. I know next to nothing about your relationship with your ex-wife, but I suspect that she negatively influenced your sons’ attitudes towards you. It’s a real pity if that’s the case. Issues between you and her should not become issue between you and your children.

    If you can think of them as being sort of brainwashed, perhaps you can return to calling the two sons who don’t initiate contact with you. While they may not start the communication with you, if they are polite and listen when you do make contact, there may be hope for more contact in future.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know of some negative influence on her part in the past many years ago, and that may have some influence. In the past I called them often and they would not answer their phones, I would leave a message and most times did not receive a call back, even after I asked them to call me. I think their priorities are different and will see if that changes in the future. Thanks Peggy, I hope your week is going well. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Sadly I think negative influence in a child’s younger years hangs on in ways we often do not understand. Pity. Glad one son makes an effort. My week is good. Company arriving from overseas tomorrow, so lots of preparation.

        Liked by 1 person

  12. Families are so messy and complicated and sometimes toxic. I am glad one of your sons stays in touch, and VERY glad you aren’t trying to shoulder the blame for the behaviour of the other two. I’ve had periods of estrangement from my father and am ashamed to admit how long it took me to see past the pain I experienced from his behaviour and realise that he is who he is and I’m never going to change him. I still struggle with the unintended slights, but persevere — as does he. I hope that your sons realise sooner rather than later how much they have to gain by being in your life. I think that’s true for any parent, but especially true in your case. You are an amazing role model of courage and positivity.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Su for your understanding and support. When I was much younger, I also had some estrangement from my dad for a brief time. I am thankful he and I have moved beyond our differences in the past years and have a great relationship today. I hold hope for the same with my sons. Hope all is well with you, thank you for stopping by each day.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. It is very sad reading your words about your two sons who no longer call, but the sadness is quelled knowing you no longer blame yourself. That is the healthy attitude you need to keep yourself healthy, both mentally and physically. Hugs going out to you! xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  14. There is no blame to yourself, and I’m happy that’s how you feel. You have done everything you can, and if your sons can’t see that communicating is important, it is their loss. Really. Stay strong.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Goodness… how terrible. Nothing more painful… well, there is, but we won’t speak of it. We do what we can do. I’m sure they care… some just have problem expressing it. Sending good thoughts your way. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  16. This is so very hard! I feel your pain Terry. I understand your decision. You can only handle so much pain. And I also understand that your decision in no way is a reflection of a lack of love or support for your children. If anything, it is because you love them so much it is too painful to continually feel unimportant. We all make time for what is important. Nothing that you said indicates a closing of your heart toward them. There is nothing wrong with letting them reach out to you, especially if there life is “too” busy. Hugs!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Blue for your understanding, and I appreciate your support in my decision at this time. I need time to take care of me and in time I hope the lack of communication changes between my sons and myself. Hope all is well with you and thank you for your comment. Happy Sunday. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  17. This post prompted me to go back and read/reread all of your posts about you and your sons, including the posts inspired from your old journals. To be honest, on the one hand, I’m filled with things to say and in turn, don’t know what to say. lol So maybe I’ll leave it at, thanks so much for sharing. I mean it. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • No need to say anything Amanda, I appreciate you reading. My posts are thoughts and feelings I am writing down and not necessarily expecting anything in return. As always, thank you for reading. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  18. This is so very tough, dear Terry. I totally understand why you decide to not blame yourself or cry about it anymore. You’re protecting yourself from more pain and that is a good thing. And I’m glad that one of your sons is in regular contact with you. Family ‘ estrangements have become so common whitout making it more understandable. Hope your other sons will come round sooner than later…

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