‘My Personal Hell’ (Reader Discretion Is Advised)

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I wrote this post over a year ago, and never published it because I felt at the time it was too personal.  Since that time, my early cancer treatment resulted in Stage 4 Bladder Cancer and a major surgery to remove my bladder.  Since that time, I have written other posts that were sensitive in nature.  Since that time, now I have nothing to hide.

Written February 16, 2016 –

wikepedia.org uses these words to describe Hell; I also use these words plus others –

Agony, Torture, Pain

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Image Provided by: Now The End Begins

This post will be very personal in nature and will expose my thoughts that you may not want to read.  Stop reading at any time you feel uncomfortable – I understand.

A week ago I had a tumor removed from my bladder.  After the tumor was removed I had a catheter inserted into and through my penis into the bladder to help it drain urine and to also flush out any remaining pieces of tumor and any blood clots that had formed.  The catheter used on me is a ‘3-way catheter for irrigation’, therefore it was a very large catheter in circumference.  Upon having it removed, which I thought was bad enough; I am experiencing the usual pain and burning when peeing.  But the pain and burning is nothing compared to what I experience on a nightly basis since having it removed.

I do not look forward to sleep, as I know upon the many times I wake during the night, waiting for me is ‘My Personal Hell’.

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Image Provided by: http://www.pinterest.com

Let us review what takes place upon waking from sleep for a typical male.  goaskalice.columbia.edu has the following –

Contrary to what many believe, waking up with your flag at full mast is not caused by urine buildup in the bladder. Morning erections are technically nighttime erections (or Nocturnal Penile Tumescence) which happen three to five times per night. They usually pop up (pun intended) during periods of Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep (when most dreaming occurs) and last around 30 minutes each. Unrelated to dream content, they are both common and completely normal and men older than sixty years may even have them during non-REM sleep.

Yes, I am a normal man in that I experience this normal body function.  But less than a week after having a very large tube inserted and removed from my penis, this normal body function is now an experience that brings me to tears.

The last several nights, I have cried more than I ever have in my entire life.  During these normal body function times, the fire, torment, punishment, agony, torture and pain I feel is so overwhelming, I plead with God to let me die.  I am weak, I cannot handle the pain, my life will never be the same, please God, let me die now.

I am tired as this is my new nighttime ritual.  How long will it last, how long will I last.  I am tired not only due to the lack of good sleep, but the emotional toll it is taking on me.

I am down and I am sad and I am frustrated and I am mad.  I try to stay hopeful and positive for the future – but it is difficult.

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Image Provided by: CNN.com

It is difficult because every night I do not look forward to sleep – because waiting for me is ‘My Personal Hell’.

(This will never be an issue again.  As many of you know, my most recent surgery removed not just my bladder, but other organs that now prevent me from experiencing Nocturnal Penile Tumescence.  Lucky me!)

72 thoughts on “‘My Personal Hell’ (Reader Discretion Is Advised)”

  1. How dreadful, Terry. You poor thing. I understand why you didn’t post this at the time but I wish I had known you were suffering such excruciating agony every night. Trust you to find the bright side …. the surgery has freed you from that particular agony and I am glad for that, though of course not glad you had to have the surgery and certainly not glad for the reasons. I wish you a pain free and lovely day over there. Here we have fresh snow on the mountains and I feel very very fortunate – the more so for reading your post. 😊

    Liked by 3 people

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    • Yes, the surgery did relieve me from that pain, and more came and went and still some today. I appreciate you Osyth, you always have the right words. The snow I bet is beautiful, we however are having plenty of sunshine and warmth. Happy Day! 🙂

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  3. This brought back painful memories, literally. After my first transplant I woke up with a catheter in place but I was peeing blood clots and it felt like sharp glass each time. I begged for painkillers but nurse would not call a doctor as it was 3am. I know you have been through an awful lot, real crap. Its hard to hang in there, and you face this stuff alone. When it stops your friends and hubby are waiting at the end of this storm.

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    • I knew you would most likely understand, and I do not wish this situation on anyone. The past year has been filled with much pain and as you put it ‘real crap’. I appreciate your support David, hope you are feeling well these days.

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  5. Oh my word !!! I cannot even imagine that pain that you had to deal with. I am not surprised you just wanted to die. It must have been emotionally draining! As much as it saddens me to know what you have gone through, and are going through, I am pleased that you no longer have to deal with that excruciating pain again. Here’s to a healthy, happy future my friend. Have a lovely day. 🙂

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  10. Terry you really are the bravest person I know. Not just to endure and write about what such pain, but to maintain such a positive attitude to life. I wish you nothing but comfort and happiness in the future.

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  13. So much pain the past year. I’m sure you have brought comfort to many, who are going (or gone) through similar issues but don’t have the words to express it. You are an inspiration my friend. And so, so brave!

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    • Thank you Alexis for your comment, I have experienced all kinds of different pain in the past year – more than I want to think about. I appreciate your support and your always nice comments. 🙂

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  14. That was some kind of hell you went through. I’m so glad the pain has been lessened. Just so you know, I think the landscapes in the first two images in this post are of the gas fires in Turkmenistan. Great pics to illustrate this post.

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    • Yes, it felt like hell at the time and I too am glad it is better. Interesting about the images, I usual do a Google search using a certain combination of words and find ones that I think best suit my posts. Thank you Peggy for always stopping by each day. 🙂

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  16. Oh, Terry, I’m so sorry to hear of your awful experience I can only imagine. My heart was breaking for you reading this but I hope that others out here going through the same type of issue may find a little comfort in knowing they are not alone.

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  21. Very graphic, very honest and no amount of words can take away pain. You know that you are in all our thoughts. If only one could reach out to comfort you, just a hug at times is all we want isn’t it. Take care dear Friend. All the best, Anna.

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  22. OMG, you poor thing, indeed a nightmare. I’m glad that you shared what happened last year even if you felt that it might be too personal or indiscrete. Hopefully others in a similar situation will come across it and not feel so alone. Plus your current recovery is always a huge motivation and triumph.

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    • I enjoy writing about my feelings and emotions, even those that are painful both physically and emotionally. It helps me to overcome and in turn if it helps others, this is a good thing. Thank you Amanda for catching-up on my posts, I appreciate you very much. 🙂

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  23. What an ordeal! I can’t imagine it, but I totally feel for you. Pain is not only hard on the body, it’s hard on the mind. It makes us feel many things and say things and do things we might not when not in pain. I am so glad to hear you are over that. Thank you for sharing your story. I know it has helped many. I wish you well in your health.

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  24. How terrible! I knew you were I a lot of pain but to read this post it makes it clear that that was only the tip of the iceberg! I’m so sorry that you had to endure this personal hell for such long time, Terry. And I’m glad that it is finally over! You’ve been so brave and encouraging all the time, you really are a hero! 😄

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    • I am also very glad this part of my life is over, and it is much better now. I continue to move forward and do my best. Thanks Sarah for stopping by to catch-up on reading. Hope your weekend is going well for you and you are feeling better. 🙂

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      • My weekend is going fine, thank you, Terry. I´m doing some cleaning since I haven´t done it since I got ill and let´s just say those dust mice don´t stand a chance anymore 😉 Have a happy and beautiful day, my friend! 🙂

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  25. And I complain about a lung biopsy that I thought was a painful recovery. I am so sorry that you had to experience that. For men, that staff of masculinity is what lets us know we are still men, and to have that turn on you is not only a physical pain, but a horribly emotional one as well. You are an inspiration in hope.

    Liked by 1 person

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    • I appreciate your understanding comment. That was a very painful time and honestly I did want to die – but I lived through that pain and other pain as well. We never know how much we can tolerate until we go through something that seems intolerable. Thanks for stopping by to read and comment – hope all is well with you.

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