I wrote this post over a year ago, and never published it because I felt at the time it was too personal. Since that time, my early cancer treatment resulted in Stage 4 Bladder Cancer and a major surgery to remove my bladder. Since that time, I have written other posts that were sensitive in nature. Since that time, now I have nothing to hide.
Written February 16, 2016 –
wikepedia.org uses these words to describe Hell; I also use these words plus others –
Agony, Torture, Pain
This post will be very personal in nature and will expose my thoughts that you may not want to read. Stop reading at any time you feel uncomfortable – I understand.
A week ago I had a tumor removed from my bladder. After the tumor was removed I had a catheter inserted into and through my penis into the bladder to help it drain urine and to also flush out any remaining pieces of tumor and any blood clots that had formed. The catheter used on me is a ‘3-way catheter for irrigation’, therefore it was a very large catheter in circumference. Upon having it removed, which I thought was bad enough; I am experiencing the usual pain and burning when peeing. But the pain and burning is nothing compared to what I experience on a nightly basis since having it removed.
I do not look forward to sleep, as I know upon the many times I wake during the night, waiting for me is ‘My Personal Hell’.
Let us review what takes place upon waking from sleep for a typical male. goaskalice.columbia.edu has the following –
Contrary to what many believe, waking up with your flag at full mast is not caused by urine buildup in the bladder. Morning erections are technically nighttime erections (or Nocturnal Penile Tumescence) which happen three to five times per night. They usually pop up (pun intended) during periods of Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep (when most dreaming occurs) and last around 30 minutes each. Unrelated to dream content, they are both common and completely normal and men older than sixty years may even have them during non-REM sleep.
Yes, I am a normal man in that I experience this normal body function. But less than a week after having a very large tube inserted and removed from my penis, this normal body function is now an experience that brings me to tears.
The last several nights, I have cried more than I ever have in my entire life. During these normal body function times, the fire, torment, punishment, agony, torture and pain I feel is so overwhelming, I plead with God to let me die. I am weak, I cannot handle the pain, my life will never be the same, please God, let me die now.
I am tired as this is my new nighttime ritual. How long will it last, how long will I last. I am tired not only due to the lack of good sleep, but the emotional toll it is taking on me.
I am down and I am sad and I am frustrated and I am mad. I try to stay hopeful and positive for the future – but it is difficult.
It is difficult because every night I do not look forward to sleep – because waiting for me is ‘My Personal Hell’.
(This will never be an issue again. As many of you know, my most recent surgery removed not just my bladder, but other organs that now prevent me from experiencing Nocturnal Penile Tumescence. Lucky me!)