Preface –
For almost 2 years now, I have written about me; not just those events from the far and near past, but my personality, my feelings, my emotions and my thinking. Yes, I have my days of good, that are then followed by days of bad. What do I mean by this? I have always revealed my weakness and along with that my strength. Recently I am weak and struggling and I pretend to you and others that I am fine and I am strong. But, right now I am not. And because of this, I become that other me; that mean me – that I try to hide from others except the one that matters the most.
I voice recorded the following words yesterday and document today for all to read – especially the one that matters the most –
I have the last few days been a little down, a little angry and upset. And, as usual because of who I am, I take it out on Gary – I am a mean person. I am not respectful to him, even after he puts so much effort into helping me out, I disrespect him – I am mean to him, flat-out mean. I went to the doctor the other day and the recovery is going fine and he (the doctor) spoke of because of some Stage 4 Cancer; I don’t remember what exactly what we were talking about, he spoke of a patient he had that went through the same surgery as I did and within a couple of months he (the patient) died because the cancer had spread. Not necessarily what I wanted to hear, but, um – then I spoke with my Oncologist the week before who talks about all her patients being terminal; once again not what I want to hear.
So, I have aches and pains and other issues that bring me down and I think to myself; are these pains associated with cancer spreading or they a result of my surgery and I am still recovering; or are they result of inactivity on my part because I am restricted to a certain extent to exercise and being more active? I don’t know, I don’t know. And that is what brings me down; I don’t know.

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Uncertainties right now in my life are majority and certainties are the minority. And sometimes this gets to me. And my optimism and positiveness results in negative and pessimism. That brings me to just not wanting to try anymore, just forgetting about it all: and just like screw it. I don’t want to deal with it, I just don’t want to move on; I just don’t want to move.
But, then there is Gary, who continues to put a great deal of effort into helping me, not just me physically, but you know preparing for the future and dealing with doctors and other things associated with my health. And he does this it on a consistent basis and I don’t always, um, you know recognize him for it; because I am dealing with my own stuff. I make it about me, it is always about me; and so, this is what it is about today.
Sounding a tad selfish Terry-a partnership/marriage is a two-way street my friend. I strongly suggest counselling to assist you in your daily struggles. We know this is not easy (no one said it would be). Gary, hang in there, at least Terry is being honest here and no one can really find fault in that. Hoping the weekend brings you some peace Terry! Overcast Hugs today!
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Cheryl, I am selfish – that is the whole point to this post. And my blog posts are me writing down my feelings and emotions and not requesting advise from others. When I do receive advise from others, it think about stopping blogging and deleting my blog – I no longer feel secure here. I hope your weekend brings you some peace as well. 🙂
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We’re not going through your challenges right now, but we all are guilty of taking out our moods on those to whom we are the closest. It’s universal. That doesn’t make it easier on our loved ones, who we assume will always understand. It just makes us all human.
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Thank you Van for understanding, I truly appreciate your comment. 🙂
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No one knows! That is OK. You are quite right, a blog is not about receiving or requesting advice. It is about sharing a journey with others. Heck yes why not, feeling selfish, angry and all is a process we go through. I stopped listening to doctors and their statistics, I am slowly learning to make my own. Keep going…..
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I understand about the listening to doctors and reading statistics and know it does not always apply to me. I have much more going on than what is revealed here in this one post. I appreciate you understanding and supporting me and for your encouragement. Thanks Tink! 🙂
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Is there a counselor or someone you can talk to? Help you sort out all these emotions and feelings about life, death, and love. It is not weak to ask for help at all but shows great strength of character. I hope you have a peaceful day today.
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Not until I move to a more permanent location. Having counseling on a subject that is much complex than what I choose to expose here is complicated. Thanks Marci. 🙂
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This is really sad. I am so sorry. Surely, you feeling all these feelings is quite understandable going through what you are going through. It cannot be easy for you or Gary. Just know, that we are here for you. I hope you do have a good day. Hugs x
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Gary and I are fine, we work through what I am feeling. He is understanding – as well as you are Lynne. Thank you. 🙂
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Your emotions are on a roller coaster. Some of the things my oncologists and other health care providers have said to me are really not nurturing. It is okay to be angry and upset. The anxiety caused by careless words of your doctors is totally understandable. We are all here for you, Gary and Roxy. Sending you love and energy.
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Thank you Paula, and not just the doctors that caused me some concern, but some other health concerns not mentioned here. All will be fine, more doctor’s appointments coming soon. I appreciate your understanding and hope you are doing well. 🙂
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Hey Terry there are some weeks when things don’t go fine for me and my dogs think I’m a real ha ha have
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Yikes my iPad has its own mind of its own, meant to say when things are not going well my dogs think I am a real bitch and they should know hope you have a great weekend
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Thanks, you have a great weekend as well. 🙂
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Hi Terry…wanted to send this song of encouragement. It’s called “Even If…by Mercy Me…Thought about you and the storms of life that you have been in, you still helped others with encouragement. Your honesty about your struggles is touching to many. I am one that is praying for you. May God bless you my friend. http://youtu.be/B6fA35Ved-Y
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Thank you very much for the song, it certainly is encouraging. I do appreciate your prayers and friendship. Have a great weekend. 🙂
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Terry, it is understandable that you have these moments. But at least you recognize that you have moments or longer-than-moments (again, understandably) when you aren’t your best self, or even your decent self. There are many who wouldn’t see that in themselves, and who wouldn’t be taking note of these moments. Hang in there, and we’ll be thinking of and praying for you and Gary up here, as always.
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All is better today Sarah, this week has been hectic with doctor’s appointments and many other planning taking place for the next several weeks. Thanks for being a great supportive friend. 🙂
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I’m glad to hear you’ve got the good and upbeat mood back! You’re going to have bad days – we all do!
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Terry – I think you are being too hard on yourself! I think it is natural to feel this way right now. I bet everyone can relate. Uncertainty is scary and makes us crabby and angry and we take it out on those we love the most because we know they will love us no matter what. You are not always mean to Gary I’m sure. Nobody is perfect, and you are going through a lot. Will you do me a favor? Tell Gary you love him, and tell him I do too for loving you and being so good to you! Hugs my friend. Love you! xo ❤
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Jodi, thank you for understanding, and yes I do tell Gary I love him and many times kiss him on the forehead and let him know how much I appreciate him. He knows truly the way I feel about him. These posts are about me and my life and I do not sugarcoat who I am. I appreciate other’s letting me be who I am without judgement, such as yourself – a true friend. 🙂
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😘
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I am not surprised that you are consumed with yourself. For goodness sakes, look what you have been through and look at what you are facing and hearing. It sucks. F*ing well sucks. (I don’t swear very often but I am swearing because I am as mad as hell that you are even having to go through this and there is not a single thing I can do to help you). This is YOUR space to say whatever your bluddy well please, it is your space to be as you feel. Gary is having a horrid time, of course he is. But he loves you and when you love someone or something you do what you can and you take the punches even when they threaten to fell you. That’s the amazing thing about love – it makes you capable of being hurt and still dealing with it, smarting, you set it aside and keep going. Because you love. Terry. You are where you are. And no one. No one at all can understand because no one else is you going through this. So. Lamely. Pathetically. I send you hugs. Warm, enveloping hugs. And I send you all the strength I can muster to ride the ghastly encompassing negative waves. That is all. xx
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Wow, such strong words Osyth, and thank you for them. My week has not been great and I write down my feelings and emotions because after all, this blog is about ‘my life’. I sometimes feel like deleting this blog because maybe I am exposing too much of me. But then there are friends as yourself who help me through difficult times and I feel better again. Always a friend you are, and I am fortunate for you. 🙂
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I don’t give my friendship easily but when I do it is wholehearted. I will never ever give up on you, never ever stop being here for you and never ever stop trying to help even the tiny amount that I can (wish it was more). I can’t take away the pain and anguish you feel but I can say lean on me if only virtually and feel my strong arms supporting you as you step through each day.
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Thank you dear Osyth. 🙂
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I hear you.
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Thank you, I appreciate you reading and commenting. Have a great weekend. 🙂
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You too
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What you are going through is HARD. Don’t add to the hard with self recriminations. Just say thank you and I love you as much as you can, when you can.
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Thank you Bernadette, I will keep that in mind. Have a great weekend. 🙂
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Of course you are feeling so many things and are struggling! Anyone would be struggling!! Gary is amazing and you appreciate his support and Im sure he knows. You are doing your best dear xxxxx hope love and faith xxxx
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Gary knows truly the way I feel, that is the reason we are together. He accepts me for who I am and accepts my struggles during my difficult time. Thanks Lynn for your understanding and support.
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That is so special!!!
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Thank you for being honest and open! I would MUCH prefer you do that than pretend. I, we, are here because of you, not because you’re joyous and positive all the time. Just you, the good AND bad.
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Thank you Amanda, I appreciate your support and taking time to read and comment. I hope all is well with you – have a great weekend. 🙂
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Your honesty is what makes me like you so much! We all have shitty days and are shitty to our partners. I know I am, and that’s the truth. Hang in there bud! xoxoxoxo
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Thanks Kathryn for your understanding. I am just writing about me here on my blog, and that’s it. You appreciating my honesty means a great deal to me. Have a great weekend. 🙂
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Good days, bad days, Terry.
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That’s life, right? Thanks Jennie, I am hoping you have a good day. 🙂
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Hope your good days far exceed your bad ones. You’re the best!
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Thank you Jennie. 🙂
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🙂
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One of the awful consequences, I know.
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Thank you Derrick, I always appreciate your comments. Have a great weekend.
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We all have down days and we all have me, myself and I days but don’t forget about those who care. Where would we be without them. Don’t delete your beautiful blog because it is you releasing your feelings. If you are angry and want to spill it out in a post, write and let it sit for a few days – then go back and read it again and ask yourself if you want to publish it. There will always be hurdles and ruts in the road. Just flip them off and kick ass.
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Thank you Eugenia, some good advise. I appreciate you stopping by to read and comment. Have a great weekend. 🙂
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😃
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You’re going through a lot right now Terry…but this is just a season…it will pass and you will one day be fully healed (positive thoughts!!!) Gary loves you, through thick and thin, and I’m sure he has broad shoulders…so just take it one day at a time…and try to give Gary a smile or two in the in-between moments….hugs!
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Oh Gary receives many smiles and hugs and compliments. It was a week of weakness for me and this type of behavior is not the norm. Life moves on and as you indicate I will take it one day at a time. Thanks Linda for your comment, I appreciate it very much. 🙂
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My pleasure Terry….believe it or not, I look forward to reading your posts…even though sometimes they are difficult-reading…but you are on my mind and in my morning prayers…
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Thank you Linda.
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The not knowing is one the worst things sometimes I feel, and it is totally understandable therefore when you react like you do. We need to slash out sometimes to get it out of our system and I’m sure Gary will understand it! And please: don’t delete your blog Terry!!! Whatever you feel like doing, please don’t do that. If it helps, take a time out – I know your goal is to blog every day but you really don’t have to. Big hugs my friend! Stay strong!
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Thank you Sarah for understanding and being a great friend. This past week was difficult for me and I was physically and mentally weak. I enjoy writing and blogging, but sometimes feel I may be putting myself too much out there for reactions I am not ready for. I hope that makes sense, you my friend are always very nice to me – I appreciate you very much.
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It does make sense, my friend, and I understand completely. I´m here for your – well, as much as I can through this medium – and will always support you. Try to let unwelcome comments and reactions to your posts not to get to you too much, I know that´s not easy but if anyone can do it, it´s you! As you say: it´s your life, it´s your blog and people can follow or like it or not, they don´t need to burden you with their stuff in addition what you´re going through. I imagine myself sometimes like a duck – water/comment repellent you know 😉 Have a very lovely Sunday, dear Terry! 🙂
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Great advise – thank you!
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Gary is a wonderful person Terry that loves you and understands you perhaps more than you may realize. He knows your condition and is right by your side every step of the way. He is standing tall and right there for you on those not so good days…mean days as you call them. In reading your posts, I love you both. It is okay to have a bad old selfish day especially out of all of the happy and strong days you have. No one person is ever just perfect Terry. Your not alone ever and you must know that we, your followers and understanding friends are never going to let you feel alone on any day, good or bad. We are all your Gary’s! Standing tall and strong on this bad day. I must say I don’t feel it is helpful to any patient for medical professionals to discuss timelines of patients conditions. It is damaging to the emotional and physical healing people are going through. Your going to live a good long life with Gary right by your side and of course your going to have us right along with you giving you all the love and support we can. Give Gary a hug from me Sandy. Have a wonderful, wonderful evening Terry.
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Wow, I am a very fortunate person to have a wonderful friend as you. Your words are inspiring and bring me so much comfort. Gary is a strong and caring person and I am lucky to have him in my life. Thank you very much for your support and most of all your understanding. I appreciate you standing strong for me and certainly I will do the same for you my friend. 🙂
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I know you will Terry, we are here for each other on any day. I feel blessed to have you as my friend and I will always do my best to support all of your days to the best of my ability. Have a wonderful, wonderful weekend 🙂
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Terry, your feelings are very understandable: your emotions, your reactions, and your need to just be heard… and what you say to be accepted and not questioned… and your need to NOT receive advice, but validation. It really makes me angry how unmindful so many medical professionals can be of our emotional well being. Sometimes it feels as though we have to guard our hearts from their lack of awareness of how such comments can make you feel. They don’t get the last word… ever! Remember that!!! Hugs to both you and Gary!
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Blue, you understand this post and how fortunate I am to have a wonderful friend such as yourself. We all are different and yet many of us have the same feelings, emotions and reactions. I appreciate your support, and always have. Thank you for your words of encouragement and hugs – from both Gary and I.
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Terry, you need all the love and support you can receive! ❤❤
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🙂
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Yes, I do understand this and you!
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Thank you.
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I have to say that Osyth said it perfectly….you really have to give yourself a pass…selfish your not….you have been through a lot…be selfish..hell I would be…..hugs to you kat
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Thank you for your understanding and support. This is really all I want here, and I am fortunate to have many wonderful friends who provide this. Happy Monday kat, hoping the weather is beautiful – a little winter one more week here. 🙂
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Were in the 90’s but I am thinking we will have a couple more weeks of 80’s before the heat settles in….Happy Monday my firend…..xxxkat
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We tend to be the hardest on the ones we care about the most. I think that’s a given because they are who we are most passionate about. It’s being human. Documenting this journey you are on was obviously going to feature rough days as well as great days. Again, being human. Have a great week Terry (and Gary)!
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Thank you Bruce for your understanding, I truly appreciate it very much. This week is a better week and I appreciate you stopping by and catching-up on my posts. You have a great week as well. 🙂
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Terry, I am sorry I only just got to read this post on Monday. I wish I’d seen it before the weekend! I am going to explain some things from a professional perspective, and any good counselor you eventually talk to will do the same. Your illness, treatments, surgery, medications, and the long process of recovery and adjustment play havoc with your brain’s chemical functioning. When we get angry, it is a chemical reaction to something external which affects some people and doesn’t affect others at all. However, if we are in a more or less balanced emotional state, there is another chemical that immediately jumps in and helps us control that emotional reaction. You are not mean, and stop blaming yourself. You are not “taking it out on Gary” – your brain is simply having an exaggerated production of a chemical that causes outbursts of anger and, at the same time, is not producing enough “control” chemical. Not your fault! Another chemical your brain craves but is not getting is serotonin, the pheromone that creates a feeling of joy, and that is because you are not getting any physical exercise. None of it is your fault! I keep telling you to smile because 15 seconds of non-stop smiling, even if you don’t feel like it, sends a surge of serotonin into your brain.
I won’t tell you that what’s happening to you is normal, but it’s not your fault, and I think Gary knows it. Anyway, he is an angel, you are so lucky to have him, and you are also lucky to have so many people who send love, prayers, and support your way!
Blessings,
Dolly
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Thank you Dolly for your very understanding kind comment. Last week was tough, I felt my body was working against me and therefore, I was feeling many negative emotions. I have my days I do not allow my body to control my emotions, but honestly it is a roller coaster at times. I continue to recover and I will remember to smile for 15 seconds so the serotonin will flow. I appreciate you very much my friend. 🙂
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Dear Terry, you are doing a phenomenal job controlling your emotions and keeping a positive outlook! Keep smiling!
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I am smiling – thank you Dolly! 🙂
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Blessings to you!
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(missed this one! sorry!) Hope you’re feeling better now… some great advice being given up there… and I agree with all… especially the one that says “at least you’re aware of it”… It suddenly reminded me too of a recording from Pema Chodren… or was it the other book? Um… “Wake Up Now” (Stephen Bodian).. anyways… Zen Buddhism stuff… I can’t remember the term, but I call it the “Angry Aware”… Been there… still coping. lol. (No enlightenment… this is a phase sort of thing… and there are levels, situations… etc.)
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Thank you for your comment, and yes I am aware, but sometimes slow at making changes – that is my life – slow to change at times – but progress is made. Thanks for your comment, I always appreciate them. 🙂
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