For almost 2 years now, I have written about me; not just those events from the far and near past, but my personality, my feelings, my emotions and my thinking. Yes, I have my days of good, that are then followed by days of bad. What do I mean by this? I have always revealed my weakness and along with that my strength. Recently I am weak and struggling and I pretend to you and others that I am fine and I am strong. But, right now I am not. And because of this, I become that other me; that mean me – that I try to hide from others except the one that matters the most.
I voice recorded the following words yesterday and document today for all to read – especially the one that matters the most –
I have the last few days been a little down, a little angry and upset. And, as usual because of who I am, I take it out on Gary – I am a mean person. I am not respectful to him, even after he puts so much effort into helping me out, I disrespect him – I am mean to him, flat-out mean. I went to the doctor the other day and the recovery is going fine and he (the doctor) spoke of because of some Stage 4 Cancer; I don’t remember what exactly what we were talking about, he spoke of a patient he had that went through the same surgery as I did and within a couple of months he (the patient) died because the cancer had spread. Not necessarily what I wanted to hear, but, um – then I spoke with my Oncologist the week before who talks about all her patients being terminal; once again not what I want to hear.
So, I have aches and pains and other issues that bring me down and I think to myself; are these pains associated with cancer spreading or they a result of my surgery and I am still recovering; or are they result of inactivity on my part because I am restricted to a certain extent to exercise and being more active? I don’t know, I don’t know. And that is what brings me down; I don’t know.
Uncertainties right now in my life are majority and certainties are the minority. And sometimes this gets to me. And my optimism and positiveness results in negative and pessimism. That brings me to just not wanting to try anymore, just forgetting about it all: and just like screw it. I don’t want to deal with it, I just don’t want to move on; I just don’t want to move.
But, then there is Gary, who continues to put a great deal of effort into helping me, not just me physically, but you know preparing for the future and dealing with doctors and other things associated with my health. And he does this it on a consistent basis and I don’t always, um, you know recognize him for it; because I am dealing with my own stuff. I make it about me, it is always about me; and so, this is what it is about today.