I don’t know

Preface –

For almost 2 years now, I have written about me; not just those events from the far and near past, but my personality, my feelings, my emotions and my thinking.  Yes, I have my days of good, that are then followed by days of bad.  What do I mean by this?  I have always revealed my weakness and along with that my strength.  Recently I am weak and struggling and I pretend to you and others that I am fine and I am strong.  But, right now I am not.  And because of this, I become that other me; that mean me – that I try to hide from others except the one that matters the most.

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I voice recorded the following words yesterday and document today for all to read – especially the one that matters the most –

I have the last few days been a little down, a little angry and upset.  And, as usual because of who I am, I take it out on Gary – I am a mean person.  I am not respectful to him, even after he puts so much effort into helping me out, I disrespect him – I am mean to him, flat-out mean.  I went to the doctor the other day and the recovery is going fine and he (the doctor) spoke of because of some Stage 4 Cancer; I don’t remember what exactly what we were talking about, he spoke of a patient he had that went through the same surgery as I did and within a couple of months he (the patient) died because the cancer had spread.  Not necessarily what I wanted to hear, but, um – then I spoke with my Oncologist the week before who talks about all her patients being terminal; once again not what I want to hear.

So, I have aches and pains and other issues that bring me down and I think to myself; are these pains associated with cancer spreading or they a result of my surgery and I am still recovering; or are they result of inactivity on my part because I am restricted to a certain extent to exercise and being more active?  I don’t know, I don’t know.  And that is what brings me down; I don’t know.

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Uncertainties right now in my life are majority and certainties are the minority.  And sometimes this gets to me.  And my optimism and positiveness results in negative and pessimism.  That brings me to just not wanting to try anymore, just forgetting about it all: and just like screw it.  I don’t want to deal with it, I just don’t want to move on; I just don’t want to move.

But, then there is Gary, who continues to put a great deal of effort into helping me, not just me physically, but you know preparing for the future and dealing with doctors and other things associated with my health.  And he does this it on a consistent basis and I don’t always, um, you know recognize him for it; because I am dealing with my own stuff.  I make it about me, it is always about me; and so, this is what it is about today.

78 thoughts on “I don’t know

  1. Sounding a tad selfish Terry-a partnership/marriage is a two-way street my friend. I strongly suggest counselling to assist you in your daily struggles. We know this is not easy (no one said it would be). Gary, hang in there, at least Terry is being honest here and no one can really find fault in that. Hoping the weekend brings you some peace Terry! Overcast Hugs today!

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    • Cheryl, I am selfish – that is the whole point to this post. And my blog posts are me writing down my feelings and emotions and not requesting advise from others. When I do receive advise from others, it think about stopping blogging and deleting my blog – I no longer feel secure here. I hope your weekend brings you some peace as well. 🙂

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  2. We’re not going through your challenges right now, but we all are guilty of taking out our moods on those to whom we are the closest. It’s universal. That doesn’t make it easier on our loved ones, who we assume will always understand. It just makes us all human.

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  3. No one knows! That is OK. You are quite right, a blog is not about receiving or requesting advice. It is about sharing a journey with others. Heck yes why not, feeling selfish, angry and all is a process we go through. I stopped listening to doctors and their statistics, I am slowly learning to make my own. Keep going…..

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    • I understand about the listening to doctors and reading statistics and know it does not always apply to me. I have much more going on than what is revealed here in this one post. I appreciate you understanding and supporting me and for your encouragement. Thanks Tink! 🙂

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  4. Is there a counselor or someone you can talk to? Help you sort out all these emotions and feelings about life, death, and love. It is not weak to ask for help at all but shows great strength of character. I hope you have a peaceful day today.

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  5. This is really sad. I am so sorry. Surely, you feeling all these feelings is quite understandable going through what you are going through. It cannot be easy for you or Gary. Just know, that we are here for you. I hope you do have a good day. Hugs x

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  6. Your emotions are on a roller coaster. Some of the things my oncologists and other health care providers have said to me are really not nurturing. It is okay to be angry and upset. The anxiety caused by careless words of your doctors is totally understandable. We are all here for you, Gary and Roxy. Sending you love and energy.

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  7. Hi Terry…wanted to send this song of encouragement. It’s called “Even If…by Mercy Me…Thought about you and the storms of life that you have been in, you still helped others with encouragement. Your honesty about your struggles is touching to many. I am one that is praying for you. May God bless you my friend. http://youtu.be/B6fA35Ved-Y

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  8. Terry, it is understandable that you have these moments. But at least you recognize that you have moments or longer-than-moments (again, understandably) when you aren’t your best self, or even your decent self. There are many who wouldn’t see that in themselves, and who wouldn’t be taking note of these moments. Hang in there, and we’ll be thinking of and praying for you and Gary up here, as always.

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  9. Terry – I think you are being too hard on yourself! I think it is natural to feel this way right now. I bet everyone can relate. Uncertainty is scary and makes us crabby and angry and we take it out on those we love the most because we know they will love us no matter what. You are not always mean to Gary I’m sure. Nobody is perfect, and you are going through a lot. Will you do me a favor? Tell Gary you love him, and tell him I do too for loving you and being so good to you! Hugs my friend. Love you! xo ❤

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  10. I am not surprised that you are consumed with yourself. For goodness sakes, look what you have been through and look at what you are facing and hearing. It sucks. F*ing well sucks. (I don’t swear very often but I am swearing because I am as mad as hell that you are even having to go through this and there is not a single thing I can do to help you). This is YOUR space to say whatever your bluddy well please, it is your space to be as you feel. Gary is having a horrid time, of course he is. But he loves you and when you love someone or something you do what you can and you take the punches even when they threaten to fell you. That’s the amazing thing about love – it makes you capable of being hurt and still dealing with it, smarting, you set it aside and keep going. Because you love. Terry. You are where you are. And no one. No one at all can understand because no one else is you going through this. So. Lamely. Pathetically. I send you hugs. Warm, enveloping hugs. And I send you all the strength I can muster to ride the ghastly encompassing negative waves. That is all. xx

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    • Wow, such strong words Osyth, and thank you for them. My week has not been great and I write down my feelings and emotions because after all, this blog is about ‘my life’. I sometimes feel like deleting this blog because maybe I am exposing too much of me. But then there are friends as yourself who help me through difficult times and I feel better again. Always a friend you are, and I am fortunate for you. 🙂

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      • I don’t give my friendship easily but when I do it is wholehearted. I will never ever give up on you, never ever stop being here for you and never ever stop trying to help even the tiny amount that I can (wish it was more). I can’t take away the pain and anguish you feel but I can say lean on me if only virtually and feel my strong arms supporting you as you step through each day.

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  11. We all have down days and we all have me, myself and I days but don’t forget about those who care. Where would we be without them. Don’t delete your beautiful blog because it is you releasing your feelings. If you are angry and want to spill it out in a post, write and let it sit for a few days – then go back and read it again and ask yourself if you want to publish it. There will always be hurdles and ruts in the road. Just flip them off and kick ass.

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  12. You’re going through a lot right now Terry…but this is just a season…it will pass and you will one day be fully healed (positive thoughts!!!) Gary loves you, through thick and thin, and I’m sure he has broad shoulders…so just take it one day at a time…and try to give Gary a smile or two in the in-between moments….hugs!

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  13. The not knowing is one the worst things sometimes I feel, and it is totally understandable therefore when you react like you do. We need to slash out sometimes to get it out of our system and I’m sure Gary will understand it! And please: don’t delete your blog Terry!!! Whatever you feel like doing, please don’t do that. If it helps, take a time out – I know your goal is to blog every day but you really don’t have to. Big hugs my friend! Stay strong!

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    • Thank you Sarah for understanding and being a great friend. This past week was difficult for me and I was physically and mentally weak. I enjoy writing and blogging, but sometimes feel I may be putting myself too much out there for reactions I am not ready for. I hope that makes sense, you my friend are always very nice to me – I appreciate you very much.

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      • It does make sense, my friend, and I understand completely. I´m here for your – well, as much as I can through this medium – and will always support you. Try to let unwelcome comments and reactions to your posts not to get to you too much, I know that´s not easy but if anyone can do it, it´s you! As you say: it´s your life, it´s your blog and people can follow or like it or not, they don´t need to burden you with their stuff in addition what you´re going through. I imagine myself sometimes like a duck – water/comment repellent you know 😉 Have a very lovely Sunday, dear Terry! 🙂

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  14. Gary is a wonderful person Terry that loves you and understands you perhaps more than you may realize. He knows your condition and is right by your side every step of the way. He is standing tall and right there for you on those not so good days…mean days as you call them. In reading your posts, I love you both. It is okay to have a bad old selfish day especially out of all of the happy and strong days you have. No one person is ever just perfect Terry. Your not alone ever and you must know that we, your followers and understanding friends are never going to let you feel alone on any day, good or bad. We are all your Gary’s! Standing tall and strong on this bad day. I must say I don’t feel it is helpful to any patient for medical professionals to discuss timelines of patients conditions. It is damaging to the emotional and physical healing people are going through. Your going to live a good long life with Gary right by your side and of course your going to have us right along with you giving you all the love and support we can. Give Gary a hug from me Sandy. Have a wonderful, wonderful evening Terry.

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    • Wow, I am a very fortunate person to have a wonderful friend as you. Your words are inspiring and bring me so much comfort. Gary is a strong and caring person and I am lucky to have him in my life. Thank you very much for your support and most of all your understanding. I appreciate you standing strong for me and certainly I will do the same for you my friend. 🙂

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      • I know you will Terry, we are here for each other on any day. I feel blessed to have you as my friend and I will always do my best to support all of your days to the best of my ability. Have a wonderful, wonderful weekend 🙂

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  15. Terry, your feelings are very understandable: your emotions, your reactions, and your need to just be heard… and what you say to be accepted and not questioned… and your need to NOT receive advice, but validation. It really makes me angry how unmindful so many medical professionals can be of our emotional well being. Sometimes it feels as though we have to guard our hearts from their lack of awareness of how such comments can make you feel. They don’t get the last word… ever! Remember that!!! Hugs to both you and Gary!

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    • Thank you for your understanding and support. This is really all I want here, and I am fortunate to have many wonderful friends who provide this. Happy Monday kat, hoping the weather is beautiful – a little winter one more week here. 🙂

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  16. We tend to be the hardest on the ones we care about the most. I think that’s a given because they are who we are most passionate about. It’s being human. Documenting this journey you are on was obviously going to feature rough days as well as great days. Again, being human. Have a great week Terry (and Gary)!

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  17. Terry, I am sorry I only just got to read this post on Monday. I wish I’d seen it before the weekend! I am going to explain some things from a professional perspective, and any good counselor you eventually talk to will do the same. Your illness, treatments, surgery, medications, and the long process of recovery and adjustment play havoc with your brain’s chemical functioning. When we get angry, it is a chemical reaction to something external which affects some people and doesn’t affect others at all. However, if we are in a more or less balanced emotional state, there is another chemical that immediately jumps in and helps us control that emotional reaction. You are not mean, and stop blaming yourself. You are not “taking it out on Gary” – your brain is simply having an exaggerated production of a chemical that causes outbursts of anger and, at the same time, is not producing enough “control” chemical. Not your fault! Another chemical your brain craves but is not getting is serotonin, the pheromone that creates a feeling of joy, and that is because you are not getting any physical exercise. None of it is your fault! I keep telling you to smile because 15 seconds of non-stop smiling, even if you don’t feel like it, sends a surge of serotonin into your brain.
    I won’t tell you that what’s happening to you is normal, but it’s not your fault, and I think Gary knows it. Anyway, he is an angel, you are so lucky to have him, and you are also lucky to have so many people who send love, prayers, and support your way!
    Blessings,
    Dolly

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  18. (missed this one! sorry!) Hope you’re feeling better now… some great advice being given up there… and I agree with all… especially the one that says “at least you’re aware of it”… It suddenly reminded me too of a recording from Pema Chodren… or was it the other book? Um… “Wake Up Now” (Stephen Bodian).. anyways… Zen Buddhism stuff… I can’t remember the term, but I call it the “Angry Aware”… Been there… still coping. lol. (No enlightenment… this is a phase sort of thing… and there are levels, situations… etc.)

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    • Thank you for your comment, and yes I am aware, but sometimes slow at making changes – that is my life – slow to change at times – but progress is made. Thanks for your comment, I always appreciate them. 🙂

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