Dying Before You

I only write for myself here on my blog.  Based on comments, some readers understand me and others do not.  But then again, some readers are learning, while others are just reading.

My posts make perfect sense to me, but to others may be just a collection of ramblings.

Gary and I have conversations about the future.  These conversations are more about the immediate future; but the further out future is sometimes discussed as well.  You see, we discuss the immediate future; the coming months – because there are some unknowns and there are some plans.

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Sometimes our conversations discuss the further out future that may or may not include me.  I have an appointment tomorrow to discuss what is next regarding my battle with cancer.  The appointment will determine the immediate future and the further out future.

But before tomorrow’s appointment, sometimes our conversations discuss the further out future.  Gary and I do not deny what could happen and what will happen.  We all are going to die someday, that is a given – will I die soon, in the immediate future or the further out future?

Gary and I discuss the possibility of me dying before him.  During these discussions, he tells me that if he is left alone, he would do nothing and be nothing.  I want him to live his life to the fullest and not sit alone and not enjoy life.

One evening we had this discussion and later I went to bed for the night.  As I laid there with these thoughts in my head, I became angry.  Why was I angry?

I was angry for several reasons.  Besides our discussion that particular evening, I also watched one of my weekly television program series.  This episode centered around a young woman who had Stage 4 Cancer and was terminal.  She made friends with an unlikely person and the episode ended with this new friend telling her to keep fighting the battle each day, be strong and never give up; fight each and every day.

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When I am feeling weak, I want to give up and then there are days I fight.

I want to be around to take care of Gary in the future.  And I remind myself, he needs me just as much as I need him.

But we all are going to die anyway, someday, right?

I feel pain every day and I continue to be physically weak and slow.  My body most times dictates my mind and I become emotionally weak, down and angry.

I am angry that I might not be around to take care of Gary.  He talks about being by himself and being alone and not doing anything, once I am gone.

I don’t want him to do that

Maybe I am angry because I am going to die sooner than him and not be able to take care of him.

I am not doing well at taking care of myself – maybe that is why I am angry

I know – be strong every single day.

Be strong and keep fighting.

But, we are all going to die anyway, someday, right?

108 thoughts on “Dying Before You

  1. Your feelings remind me so much of my mom’s when she was battling cancer. Some days she wanted to give up, and I think knowing she had that option made her feel like she had some control when her treatments left her feeling like she had none. I think writing your feelings and embracing all of them is healthy and wise. Much love!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your understanding as at times I do feel others do not understand why I would be feeling a certain way. I do find it important for me to write my feelings down. Thanks for stopping by today.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Life is to be lived, life is to be free and live in the moment. But wait. Just add Cancer. Then try being positive and free-spirited and joyous every moment. Just add Pain. Try a little harder – nope? Not working? Really these trite commentaries be they scripted on TV shows or in films or written in books or taken as conversations are naive to the facts. You (and Gary) have a very uncertain set of cards in your deck. YOu have the fearsome brute of Cancer invading your body and though you are doing everything in your power to fight it sometimes it just feels like there is no point. And the pain. Ask a person with blisters on their feet to keep walking in the same shoes and they will find it very hard. Then multiply that analogy by a squillion-fold and you might be close to what you, Terry and Gary are coping with either directly or as lover, best friend and carer. You love each other. That never changes. But some days I am certain you feel like giving up. I am certain you feel angry and those are your feelings and I respect our feelings. Always respect them. I send a little star shine over the water to you in Tampa and I send my heartfelt hope that today is a good-enough day. Hugs, my dear friend 🤗

    Liked by 4 people

    • Osyth, your understanding comment is comforting and certainly appreciated. I have pains and unknowns and feelings and emotions and recently with the move (a positive choice), I am tired. I stay positive, but realistic – I know what is taking place with my body. Your friendship and comments are comforting – Thank You! 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I hear you big time, it’s like being caught in a catacomb of never ending thought tunnels that keep looping back on each other. A place where anger and a million doubts are sure to arise. But what struck me was the title, “Dying Before You.” My immediate interpretation was that you meant you were dying right in front of us/Gary. As in, here I am, dying right in front of you. A mistake on my behalf or not, I wonder.

    Amanda

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Yes, we are all going to die…someday. But none of us know exactly when that day will come, regardless of health conditions or any other (sometimes completely unexpected) circumstances. Life is precious, and always worth fighting for. Stay optimistic, stay strong, and always believe that incredible things can happen when you least expect it. ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  5. I am glad you are sharing your feelings with us dear friend. Yes we are all going to die someday you are so right! A huge truth for all of us to come to terms with. We just dont know what each day brings! You are a lovely person and Gary is as well. My hugs and caring goes out to you both. Yes keep fighting you are on top!

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  6. Yes, Terry, the truth is we all start dying the day we are born but for some the harsh reality of it is clearer. This reality if yours now. Everyone needs to keep hope on one shoulder and reality on the other in order to deal with illness. As I said before, you are completely entitled to own whatever emotion you are experiencing and not feel guilt.

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  7. Yeah, we’ll all die. I think about the saying “you begin to die the day you are born” sometimes and wonder about what’s ‘next’. And because of my mental illness, I do not always embrace fully the wonder and magnificence of life. Each day is a gift. We each choose how to spend this remarkable time.

    And.

    As a widow and one who has chosen to embrace my solitude permanently, I feel I can write the following without sounding pious or stupid. Gary seems to be a well grounded person, but each ‘left behind’ after the death of their spouse or loved one, needs some time to grieve. To adjust to the new reality that doesn’t include someone that might have been with them for a very long time. Grief is a very weird thing…and nobody I’ve ever met who has reason to grieve ever does it the exact same way. But the good thing about it is that it heals and then the person can decide whether or not to find someone else or to stay single.

    I know your situation is unique to YOU. And I’d never tell you not to feel anger or sadness or frustration at the future. We all do. I would caution you though. With the knowledge that you have about your possible dying – spend the time you have NOW as if it were indeed short.

    And be aware that some people (such as me) would trade you places in a heart beat. I’m tired of being here. I want to move on and if I could give you my remaining time I would! (it’s going to be too long however much time is left for me). You have wonderful things and a reason to want to live – you have love and a full life and interest in what’s going to happen next. I’ve lost all that. Not whining about it, it simply is.

    So please take care of yourself, do what you need to do, embrace Gary often and thank God you are still here writing for us to read. We’re listening. We’re supporting. And we love you. ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    • And the ending of you comment is what is important – I am taking care of myself, doing what I need to do. I am fortunate to write and for others to read and listen and support. Thank you Embeecee. 🙂

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  8. I can fully understand your feelings and I can fully understand Gary’s feelings. You are his life, as he is yours. Any death would leave the other alone, and not wanting to do anything. Life would not be the same for either one of you.
    I think it is amazing that the two of you can have these in depth conversations as hard as they can be.
    I will be thinking of you tomorrow my friend. Love and Hugs x

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you Lynne for your understanding of both our feelings. For both of us, it is important to have these conversations, but also to live in the present. This serious illness of mine has both of us expressing many different emotions we have. I appreciate your hugs, and hope your day is going well. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I once had someone tell me that anger is always a secondary emotion – it comes after something else you are feeling. Granted, I’m probably preaching to the choir….actually…I don’t mean to preach at all…that’s sort of assholish…

    I mean, the fear and worry the two of you are facing is obviously difficult, but I am in awe that you and he are facing this, and I am in awe that you find the ways to express it that pulls at us all. You are giving us all a first hand look at this…and it may not seem like it, but your bravery shows through.

    I hope all goes well. For both of you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for understanding, yes – I want Gary to be happy and he has his emotions as well with regards to my cancer and what I am going through. Thanks for the kind comment, I appreciate it very much. 🙂

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  10. Terry it is only natural that ALL of these emotions and surface… I think you are one brave man, who calls a spade a spade.
    In one way and please do not take this the wrong way.. At least you and Gary get to discuss all of these emotions about when we are no longer here..
    Many never get that chance.. Who perhaps go out the door in a mood, and never say how they feel to their partners, and then their partners are hit with a tragic accident and are gone..
    So in one way.. You both have a great opportunity to confront all of these emotions.. tragic as they are. But you are both living in the NOW..
    We should all do that more often.. Not looking back with regret.. or worrying about our tomorrows.. But showing Love, care, kindness in the now in appreciation of our partners for having them in our lives within our Now moments..
    Its good to honor anger… For life is not fair for many..
    Seeing that you can share your thoughts, feelings warts and all.. Is testament of the couple you are..

    Sending LOVE and warm thoughts to both of you.. And as ever you are in my heart.. I have been busy for a while, so have not been commenting on as many blogs as normal.. But I have been reading..
    So take care of YOU and Gary in the now of the moment.. and let the Universe worry about what is to come.. ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Wow! This post really made me sad. First off, I must commend you and thank you for always sharing your journey with us–good and not so good moments. I truly am wishing you and Gary the very best on this continued journey. Love is sometimes painful, especially when the one you love may be facing a major battle. I’ve personally watch my Grandfather a few years ago die from cancer and it’s the hardest thing to see. It was hard because I saw his pain and aches and I didn’t want to see him that way. I never knew him in that way. He raised me by the way, so this was someone I only knew (as a Father figure) my whole life. But I say this to say, that although we all die anyway (some from sickness, others from unexpected events), we should always try our best to live the days we do have as happily as possible so that when we’re gone, those around us can hold on to great memories. I can’t imagine what it’s like to live through such pain/sickness like you have, but you are STRONG, TENACIOUS, AND MIGHTY for continuing to fight this battles day by day! I can only understand that Gary feels heartbroken to think about that ever happening one day, but I know that he’ll also fight through his pain day by day. Just be sure to truly enjoy Life now. I’m sorry for the long response! I truly enjoy your posts and am rooting for you ALL THE WAY! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  12. 😢 I always enjoy reading your post. I understand why you are angry and I think that it’s fine to have that emotion, it shows you’re human. A few years down the line most of us will be gone, my mum left me in January and since then I know many have followed her. Trust God’s timing everything will happen and end at the right time. Great post ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  13. We all die and some don’t know they’ll not be here next week. I would be angry too and what is so wrong with being vulnerable or weak anyway (not that I’m saying you are…far from it). We’re always told to fight and be strong and so on, as if admitting that it’s tough and maybe even eventually giving up and looking for a ‘good death’, are bad things. I don’t believe there is any right or wrong way – it depends on the individual. You keep blogging and doing what you need to do to get through it. x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sorry, that may appear negative. I know you have a long way to go. I’m thinking of my mother-in-law who died a couple of weeks ago. I was sad that she never felt she could show vulnerabilities and died fighting.

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      • I did not take your comment as negative at all and I am sorry to hear about the loss in your life. I do not believe I am weak by showing my vulnerabilities here, I actually feel privileged. And for others to read and comment and appreciate – I am honored. Thank you for your wonderful comments. 🙂

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  14. We all someday will meet the final ending. But it’s also our duty to enjoy the moments now, living in the present. You are a courageous and confident person and I’m sure you understand all these ways better. Let’s live the moment…best wishes for both of you… 🙂

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  15. In my experience people that are surround seriously ill patients are made super uncomfortable by any negativity expressed by the ill loved one. The cult of happiness dictates that you must remain positive in order to beat it, but the reality is that no one is going to be happy about suffering or cancer or facing their mortality and it unfair to burden them with the expecting of remaining upbeat throughout. There is a grieving process… grieving the way life was, adjusting to the new norm. Negativity and anger are natural, normal human responses. It is OK to feel and most certainly OK to write about. Thank you so much for sharing!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are welcome, and thank you for reading and commenting. Especially this post and subject matter. I want to be honest here, that is it and the reality is I may be gone before Gary. We live each day, but realize what could be – we discuss the possibilities, our feelings and emotions. Thank you Victo, I appreciate you very much. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Others have shared so many wonderful comments that all I can add is that I think it’s a blessing that you two can talk with one another about your feelings and the unknown future. Care for one another every day. Sending spoons.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Wondering if its time to let go of your role in taking care of Gary (?) … for you to focus on yourself instead (?) … and for you both to create a new dynamic in your relationship based on the realities of now (?). Gary must take responsibility for his feelings and future. You understand this, and must let go of your traditional role for now and focus on your own self care.
    Sorry to be blunt. But that is how I see it Terry. Hugs and light to you both 💕

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Tony, yes living in the moment is very important. And the future still remains the future whereas I have no knowledge, but I do have some odds against me. I appreciate you stopping by today to read and comment – hope you are doing well my friend! 🙂

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  18. Not only are you coping with the invasion of cancer in your body but also some major life changes which would cause even a healthy person to feel tired, stressed and short-tempered. With all that’s going on and your own concerns for Gary, you are entitled to feel the way you do. It woud be more remarkable if you didn’t. Pain wears you down, some days you have the measure of it, others it wins the day, add everything else into the mix and sometimes you just wish you had a switch so you could have a break and regroup. Your feelings are completely understandable, your worries about Gary are an expression of your love, along with your anger and frustration at the situation you find yourself in. Go easy on yourself. 💜

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  19. Death and taxes, Terry. No-one needs to be strong every day, especially you. I have pleaded with Teddy to marry again, if I go first. There is no reason to be lonely. On a slightly funnier note, my girlfriend asked me if I wanted my ashes scattered on Teddy’s grave (he wants to be buried but not me). I said, with a twinkle in my eye, “Perhaps I will be scattered on my second husband’s grave…” ❤

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  20. Terry, you and Gary are amazing. When my husband got his cancer diagnosis we fought the battle together. Now I have cancer and fight the battle without him, but his fighting spirit keeps me going. So I call upon that strength when we were able to fight together for him and somehow I am not so alone…. it’s had to explain, but if you are able to be strong there are miracles in the future Love to you both

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paula, your comment lifts my spirit, as this past week has been very draining on my body and mind. I appreciate your support and encouragement and I wish all good things in your life with your struggles.

      Liked by 1 person

  21. Oh my friend…..death, not an easy subject in the normal moment, then add cancer or any other illness that can rob you of your life’s energy and time…I feel your anger, its a good thing I hear, to be angry at your illness, demand it leaves your body…..and then in the next breath I hear your pain…..fucking pain of the disease…I am soooo sorry….I can not imagine what you are feeling or going through…..but I can hear your fight in your words….you are amazing….facing the perils of life, the unknown, I hold you in high regard my friend….both you and Gary…..sending you love from the desert southwest…..xxxkat

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  22. You are practical, thinking of the near future and the far future. What reader wouldn’t understand and agree with everything you are saying? And, you are the glass-half-full. Your attitude and thinking gives you a far better quality of life than many people without cancer.

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  23. I remember having that talk when the doctor first told me I may not make it through the liver resection surgery. Then he told me I had very high chance of a re occurance. I dreaded talking about the possibility of me being dead but we had to. Stay strong. Hugs today and the next day 💞

    Liked by 1 person

  24. It is a good thing that you can have these conversations with Gary, many people shy away from them… but try to not think too much about it, enjoy the moment that is now, enjoy being together. No one of us lives in the future, we all live in the present, yet it is the most difficult place to live in, as many prefer to live in the past… grab the day, Terry! Grab it, and make the most of it! Keep fighting! It´s a superhuman effort at times, but in the end, it´s the only thing worth doing. Sending you huge hugs! 🙂

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