I only write for myself here on my blog. Based on comments, some readers understand me and others do not. But then again, some readers are learning, while others are just reading.
My posts make perfect sense to me, but to others may be just a collection of ramblings.
Gary and I have conversations about the future. These conversations are more about the immediate future; but the further out future is sometimes discussed as well. You see, we discuss the immediate future; the coming months – because there are some unknowns and there are some plans.
Sometimes our conversations discuss the further out future that may or may not include me. I have an appointment tomorrow to discuss what is next regarding my battle with cancer. The appointment will determine the immediate future and the further out future.
But before tomorrow’s appointment, sometimes our conversations discuss the further out future. Gary and I do not deny what could happen and what will happen. We all are going to die someday, that is a given – will I die soon, in the immediate future or the further out future?
Gary and I discuss the possibility of me dying before him. During these discussions, he tells me that if he is left alone, he would do nothing and be nothing. I want him to live his life to the fullest and not sit alone and not enjoy life.
One evening we had this discussion and later I went to bed for the night. As I laid there with these thoughts in my head, I became angry. Why was I angry?
I was angry for several reasons. Besides our discussion that particular evening, I also watched one of my weekly television program series. This episode centered around a young woman who had Stage 4 Cancer and was terminal. She made friends with an unlikely person and the episode ended with this new friend telling her to keep fighting the battle each day, be strong and never give up; fight each and every day.
When I am feeling weak, I want to give up and then there are days I fight.
I want to be around to take care of Gary in the future. And I remind myself, he needs me just as much as I need him.
But we all are going to die anyway, someday, right?
I feel pain every day and I continue to be physically weak and slow. My body most times dictates my mind and I become emotionally weak, down and angry.
I am angry that I might not be around to take care of Gary. He talks about being by himself and being alone and not doing anything, once I am gone.
I don’t want him to do that
Maybe I am angry because I am going to die sooner than him and not be able to take care of him.
I am not doing well at taking care of myself – maybe that is why I am angry
I know – be strong every single day.
Be strong and keep fighting.
But, we are all going to die anyway, someday, right?