August 2nd of last year is the day Gary and I left Dallas, Texas for Pensacola, Florida to continue my treatment for cancer. A week prior to leaving, I had dinner with my family that lives in Dallas and I wrote a post specially about my dad.
It was a year ago in that post ‘The shell of a man‘, I wrote the following words –
Later after dinner I was back home and my stepmom sent me a couple of photos she had taken earlier that evening of my dad, my older brother and myself. It was not until I viewed those pictures, that I saw my dad in a different way. His body, his shell is deteriorating; as if it is already decaying, already having life drained from it. It saddens me to see him in this state, because I know he will be gone from this world soon.
In today’s post, I write the following words –
January 16th of this year, I had a major surgery that lasted 10 ½ hours to remove my bladder, prostate, lymph nodes and other male organs. This surgery is the usual course of action to take when cancer begins in the bladder. Bladder cancer easily comes back and easily spreads. It was expected because of that surgery I would lose 10-15 lbs. of body weight. Instead, I lost 23 lbs. of body weight and now 3 months later, I have lost more weight – for a total of 30 lbs. body weight.
I weigh less than my dad now, and like him, I find myself a shell of a man. My bones ache and my intestines will never feel the same. As I wrote about my dad almost a year ago, I now write about myself. I feel my body is deteriorating; as if it is already decaying, already having life drained from it. It saddens me to see myself in this state.
I hide nothing on this blog, my life from years ago and today is here in writing, pictures and videos. I pretend to be nothing more than an average man, living an average life.
Less than 2 years ago, it was noticed and through a series of events that I never expected, I am now here today with Stage 4 Bladder Cancer. This is my cancer, it does not belong to anyone else and it effects my body the way it wants to. I do fight back with what I have available to me; from doctors to family to internal strength, a spouse that is always here for me, and to some sort of guidance from somewhere else.
I have no shame in displaying these pictures of me at my worse – my body – my shell.