Cancer, Pain & Guilt

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In last Friday’s post ‘I still do my best‘, I wrote the following words –

Due to the pain I have experiencing since my surgery 3 months ago, I was referred to pain management at the Moffitt Cancer Center.  This week I had an appointment with pain management to discuss the possibilities of relieving my pain.  It was decided in the couple of weeks I will have 2 appointments to receive a Facet Injection in my lumbar spine.  The injection helps to reduce inflammation and provide pain relief.  I am hoping these injections will provide the pain relief I want so I can reduce or even stop taking pain medications.

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Image Provided by: Pacific Pain Medicine Consultants

In today’ post I write the following words –

My first appointment to receive the Facet Injection is not until later this month.  If you Google ‘Facet Injection’, you receive the following –

A cervical, thoracic or lumbar facet joint injection involves injecting a small amount of local anesthetic (numbing agent) and/or steroid medication, which can anesthetize the facet joints and block the pain.

I will be receiving the Facet Injection in my lumbar area as this is the origin of one of my pains.  I also have a different pain that I believe is related to nerves and I am hoping the appointment next week with a Neurologist will help locate the source and find a way to reduce the effects it is having on me.

The tiredness and the pain still immerse my body and all the medications; and there a many of them, are helping me survive each day.  Some days are better than others and on occasion Gary and I have ventured out and did some exploring around the area.  I do tire easily and my walking these days is slow, very slow and with each step there is some level of pain that accompanies it.  The longer the walking, the more the pain increases and the tiredness sets in.

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Image Provided by: moffitt.org

Yesterday, I had my chemotherapy treatment and nothing out of the ordinary came from it.  The next couple of days I most likely will sleep more than usual and that is what my body needs at this time.  I do not have another treatment for several weeks – remember with this round, I take 2 weeks off between treatments.

Next week I see a Neurologist and I hope with that appointment to find the source of my nerve pain.  I am also hoping to find some relieve from this pain without having to continue to take a great deal of pain medication.

Much is taking place these days as I try to live a life of quality.  It is difficult some days and I feel I just exist with no purpose or drive to do anything of worth.  I also feel that I am wasting Gary’s life, he deserves to live his life with quality and adventure and excitement and value.  Me and my illness is preventing this, he is taking care of me and I am thankful he is in my life, I would not survive without him.  But he deserves better, and I feel guilty.

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75 thoughts on “Cancer, Pain & Guilt”

  1. I believe Gary would agree with me on this – he IS living a quality life, maybe the excitement and adventure part is lessened a little, but (I speak as one who cared for a chronically ill spouse for many years) – it is NOT a burden to help the one you love. It is a joy and brings the care giver more blessings than they can count. I found this to be true anyway. I grouch a lot about hubby, and the time we lost, it’s true. But the caring for part was never ever a burden nor a chore. Because I was helping the man I loved. And in your case, Gary could expect the same FROM you, I didn’t get that bit with hubby. He stopped being caring at some point and just gave up. Don’t do that to Gary…I mean I know you WON’T, but I also know pain is debilitating and can suck the life out of a person. I hope the injection helps and that next week they discover something to help with the nerve pain. Each day is a gift…that’s why they call them “the present” (and that was horribly cheesy so I apologize). Take care Terry! We’re all rooting for you! ❤

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    • Embeecee, I just wanted to acknowledge what you have said here. My mother was my father’s carer and I know it was immensely upsetting for her when he gave up in the very last stages of his illness. She never let on, never complained but I could see through her thin veil of stoic pride that it hurt her terribly. You, and she, and Gary do or did what you do or did with great love and I celebrate you all.

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    • Thank you dear Embeecee, as I read your comment, I started to cry. I just feel so guilty at times and Gary tells me not to because he knows I would do the same for him. This is true I know because we do care for each other. Thanks for sharing your story and being a great support to me.

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  2. When you do something out of love the quality is implied. If the boot was on the other foot and Gary was the sick one you would want to care for him and you would get comfort from the fact that you were able to be there for him. I know it;s hard. I can read it in your words, feel it in the words you leave out but don’t feel guilty. Try not to beat yourself up. Remember love is what drives Gary and you are the love of his life.

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    • It is tough for me to not feel guilty, I cry reading your comment Osyth because this emotion of guilt is very strong right now. I feel I have messed up his life because this not what he expected or planned on. You know your support is important to me and I appreciate your words, truly I do.

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      • You poor dear man. I know you can’t help your emotions but I just need to say that you didn’t ask for this Cancer. If you had then I would be beating your round the head with a stinky wet fish 🐟 👃 🐟 but as it is, you didn’t invite this nasty guest into your body and you should not, even though you can;t help it, feel guilty. Your guilt is born of love ❤️ which just shows what a lovely man you are 🤗

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  3. ‘In sickness, and in health’ my friend. But, I know what you are saying, and I do understand. You obviously are going through all these emotions, because you are you, and you are human. I also know that if the tables were turned, and it were Gary that were ill and needed taking care of, you would be taking care of him. It is all about love. This is a new chapter in your lives.
    Rest well 🙂 Hugs x
    PS. Great pic of the three of you 🙂

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    • Yes, I would certainly do anything for him if the situation was reversed and not think twice about it. It is difficult right now for me because of how I feel physically and not know what is to come in the future – my many emotions, (including guilt) they overcome me at times. Thank you dear Lynne for the great support you provide me.

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  5. Yes, yes, yes to all of the above. I am sure if situations were switched you would be caring for him as he is caring for you and not regretting for a moment the time you get to spend together. It is all about love.

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    • Yes it is about love Marci, and I would be there him during his time of need. He tells me to not worry about him and he is fine with our lives because he knows I would do exactly what he is doing if the situation were reversed.

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  6. it is sometimes very difficult to say “its okay” because we all know its not okay….but be it known that I will include you in my prayers….be assure that someone from the other side of the world is praying for you…

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  7. Always amazed at your tenacity, my friend.
    MU dad used to always tell me that guilt is one of the worst hindrances in life, and often times we feel guilty when we shouldn’t…that’s not totally easy to do, but sometimes it’s okay to accept love when it’s offered. I also heard once, “Why would you deny someone the chance to love someone?” I think that is such a great thing to keep in mind…maybe it’s okay to let Gary love you…

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    • What a touching comment that I certainly appreciate. Your dad was right it is difficult to not feel guilty when we shouldn’t, and I thank you for that reminder. I just need to accept the love from someone who wants to be in the here and now to help me out. Thanks my friend.

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  9. I’m sure there’s no place Gary would rather be than by your side during this very difficult time. For better, for worse, through sickness and through health. You’re just stubborn and independent (lovingly said, of course), so no guilt allowed. ;D

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  12. I hate that you have pain! I hate that you have cancer! I hate that you have guilt! It all sucks. And guilt. Guilt is awful. Because we just can’t do much about it. It is only out of love for our spouse that we feel the guilt. Sending love to you and hope

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    • Thank you for your understanding as I do feel all that you mentioned. But as you indicate it is out of love for the spouse. He understands my feelings and tells me to not feel guilty, he is where he is supposed to be. Thanks for reading and commenting today.

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  13. Truly caring human beings get the highest satisfaction of life when they have an opportunity to care. It is their purpose in life. Understandably, you feel guilt because Gary has become your caregiver, rather than a life partner with whom you have equally shared life’s events. However, sharing your valiant fight with your illness and caring for you is giving Gary the opportunity to actualize his higher purpose.
    It is the greatest privilege for us, as human beings, to care for our loved ones in time of their need!
    Have a peaceful weekend,
    D

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  14. I hear you and totally understand. It’s how you feel right now, and Im so glad you’re expressing it. You are loved and each moment with you is a beautiful moment of quality for Gary. We, all of us who are walking with you on your journey, are also holding tender space for Gary. Rest when you need to this weekend my friend. Hugs of support for you and Gary, and of course Roxy. 😊

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  15. Ahhh guilt. Growing up Catholic I certainly know a lot about that. I agree with everyone’s words above. I know in your mind you don’t want to feel guilty, yet you do, and you write about it. You are an honest and brave man, more than you know. I hope you get the needed rest with this next round of chemo and it starts kicking some C butt! You are loved. xoxoxo

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    • Thanks Kathryn, you always have very nice words for me. I continue to have all sorts of emotions and thoughts – I guess part of the journey I am going through. Happy Weekend to you! 🙂

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  17. That’s the thing about marriage – in sickness and in health. You are being thoughtful about Gary but he chose to be with you. Sometimes I see that it is hard for Teddy to live with someone who is ill so often but he doesn’t want to be anywhere else.

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    • Yes, you are right Lynn, I just feel selfish at times because I feel he is not living his life with plans he had, but instead I am keeping from that. I know he wants to be here helping me, but at times I just feel really guilty about the situation. Thanks dear for always stopping by to read and comment.

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  19. Oh Terry! Gary loves you, and you would do the same! I understand how crazy the emotions get though, but try just to feel the love. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Love back. Cherish the moments. You are worth loving! You are lovable! Just ask any of us! 🙂 You are loved by many. But Gary is there – right by your side. And I’m so glad for that for you and for him! xoxo

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  21. My dear Terry. This was painful to read. Your Gary is there because he loves you and remember…in sickness and health. He hurts too and is being strong for both of you. When you care deeply for someone, there is no guilt. Walking through life with them, good and bad, is what it’s all about.
    Hugs and kisses to you both. 😘😘

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    • Thank you Laurel, yes I am realizing the guilt is not needed and I just need to accept his love without restrictions. I am fortunate to have Gary here to support me during my time of sickness. We both just received your hugs and kisses – thank you – have a great weekend.

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  22. Oh my dear friend…I know Gary loves you and would not want to be anywhere else but by your side…..got better or worse in which we love…..I hold faith it will get better, maybe not for a short time, but it will be better….no guilt please…only adds to the pain….stress from feeling guilty can only add to your pain, if not in your joints, then in your heart, so stop….its okay to let someone love you and care for you….you would never even question it if the shoe was on the others foot….Gary loves you….let him…….I am so sorry that your pain is still being a persistent nagging bitch…I think of you every day…..xxkat

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    • Thank you kat, you and everyone else are all letting me know the same result – Gary does want to be here to support and take care of me. And yes, I would so the same for him and not think twice about it. Thanks for your thoughts and comments, I certainly appreciate your support. Be safe on your upcoming trip.

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  23. Guilt is a very strong emotion – but don´t let it get the better of you! This all is not your fault, you have done nothing wrong, so you mustn’t feel guilty, Terry! Yet, I know, that guilt, like pain, comes uninvited and you can only fight it with love. All Gary needs is for you to love him – and that you do!

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    • Thank you Sarah, for your uplifting and supportive comment. The pain I experience brings my emotions down and the guilt kicks in. I know Gary wants to be here for me as I would be there for him if the situation was reversed. Happy Weekend.

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  25. Oh my, Terry. You are entitled to your emotions, but don’t let guilt get you down. I have always sensed that the relationship between you and Gary is strong. He is there for you, through your healing process, as you would be there for him. True love is strong enough to withstand the hard times in life. I’m sure it makes Gary’s day brighter when he sees you smile. 🌻

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    • Thank you Eugenia, for your inspiring words and yes the guilt does get me down at times. Yours and other’s comments are a great reminder that love is strong during good and bad times, and Gary and I are here for each other. Thank you for stopping by today, hope your weekend is wonderful. 🙂

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  26. Somehow I just can’t seem to find the right words or maybe it’s feeling so helpless that words aren’t enough. Guilt can be overwhelming in the best of circumstances but when we’re exhausted and not feeling well it can be exponentially worse. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling with the physical and mental exhaustion, living with an awful illness, the tests, treatments, surgeries, pain, and the drastic changes to how you live your life would be too much for any one person to bear. ISending you and Gary hugs.💗

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    • Your words are comforting Steph and certainly appreciated. It is difficult for me right now and I hold hope for better days soon. The guilt is strong at times, but Gary continues to tell me to not feel it – he is where he is suppose to be right now. I am fortunate, very fortunate. 🙂

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  29. What a beautiful tribute to Gary. If the tables were turned, you would feel the same way Gary does. He loves you dearly. There is hope knowing that the injection and pain relief will be soon. My very best to you, and to Gary.

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  30. Terry, there probably isn’t anything Gary would rather do than to be with you. And even if he did something else, it would not have the joy without you there. I am sure, while it must be excruciating for him to see you in pain, there is no where else he would rather be than by your side. This isn’t something you are doing to him… he is sharing in your life where you are… walking beside you. Neither of you chose this, but you did choose each other! I do hope you can find relief from your pain. Nerve pain is very difficult to deal with. My heart goes out to you! Hugs for both of you!!!

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    • Thank you Blue for your special comment, I like the part where we choose each other – very true, we did. I am trying to overcome my guilt and move forward, though difficult at times. I hope to have pain relief very soon, it is difficult at times just to enjoy my day. I hope all is going well with you my friend.

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      • Thinking about how you would feel if you were to trade places, but more importantly how you would want him to feel about you caring for him may help. Caring for someone we love is a gift we both give and receive. It is what love is made of! That being said, I do understand your feelings! I think probably the pain you are experiencing is increasing these feelings because it limits your ability to participate in life. Hopefully when the pain decreases so will these feelings!

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        • Your comment is perfect, and I see now with different eyes. Yes, caring for someone is a gift, and I certainly would do the same for Gary. Thank you Blue for your words, they have great meaning for me.

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  31. I understand the guilt but you have no reason to feel guilt about anything. Love works like that. We take care of each other no matter what and no matter how long it takes. I think Gary is happy with you in every situation. The old vows “through sickness and health” don’t need to be said or written, they have meaning when two people truly love each other.

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    • Bridget, the guilt at times is heavy on my mind and I know I need to let it go. As you indicate, through sickness and health – Gary and I are in this together. Thank you for your comment, I appreciate you very much. 🙂

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