..just to put death off

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It has been written in a comment on this very blog that I think about death too often.  I responded with a comment, that I do not think I do and just keep it in my mind to remind myself to live each day to the fullest one day at a time.

It could be I do think about death too often.

It many early posts, I wrote about my ‘depression years’, my struggles with life and myself and my attempted suicides and psychiatric hospital stay and years & years of therapy and so much more.  It is all here on my blog somewhere and honestly I think ‘it’ will be forgotten about someday.

That ‘it’ is my writings, these posts, this blog and me.

Recently I have thought about death again; it is on my mind.  Folks, my body is tired and my mind is tired and I do not look forward much to anything.  I know I need to look ahead and think positive and find the strength; but that part of me that battled me down so many, many years ago, wants to do it again.  My life is so very different than 30 years ago; I am wiser and I have more knowledge and I have someone who truly cares for me.

But here I am again thinking about death – the ending of my life.

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The difference is this time, I will not attempt to take my own life, no I did learn something those decades ago.  Does it make sense that if I become pessimistic and down that I am giving cancer control and therefore I am committing suicide?

I do at times feel my death is near, maybe not in the very near future, but in the not so distant future.

There are countless posts with me writing about being strong, optimistic and trying to be a good person and live a good life.  I struggle and fail many days and want to give up or give in and say to hell with it.  We all are going to die someday – why do I want to fight just to extend my life?

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I feel at times it does not really matter to others and especially to myself.

I do not want to die before my parents do and I do not want to die before Gary.  Not that I want any of them to die soon, but I do not want to put them through having to deal with my death.  I think that sounds selfish on my part.

I think about the whole purpose in life, why are we here, what should I be learning about in this thing called life?

I do not understand it, and yes, at times I want it to end.

But, being selfish and wanting it to end sooner than later – what does that accomplish?

I believe it accomplishes nothing – than again being optimistic, receiving treatment for cancer and overcoming another struggle just to put death off a little longer – what does that accomplish?

80 thoughts on “..just to put death off

  1. Hmmm…I used to be a huge advocate of controlling one’s thoughts and ignoring feelings. I have come to realize that is a suppression, and that suppression can manifest itself in unhealthy ways. I think expressing oneself, regardless of the topic of emotions at hand, is therapeutic. Granted, I think dwelling on negativity can be detrimental, if it leads you into more negativity, so it needs to be addressed. But, at the same time, sometimes death is the reality of one’s life and there tends to be power in acceptance – accepting something as real and authentic allows one to address things from a thoughtful way…rather than an emotional way.
    Good? Who knows.
    Bad? Who knows.
    But it is reality, right?

    Liked by 3 people

    • I never dwell on negativity, and when I am having conversations with Gary, he agrees. I am a realest and know the possibilities and outcomes of what is taking place in my life and body. You know my blog is about me expressing me and my life, just words, thoughts and emotions here. I always appreciate your insightful comments, they do give me reason to think about some things. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. We all think of Death in one way or another. As we get older, or more ill or facing death sooner than we had wanted, Death will come. There is nothing wrong in talking about it, coming from Irish stock “Death” is so close to the heart. We may desire our pain to end, but do not want to leave loved ones, decisions to ends one’s life is not easy. We can only wish for another Spring.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I certainly wish for another Spring, don’t get me wrong Anna, I in no way am making decisions to end my life. I will do everything I can to extend it. Thanks my friend for your thought provoking comment. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • I would never suggest that you would contemplate ending your life, I was actually thinking that when one is in so much pain don’t we hope for another Spring. Only one person can really determine when our time is up. I wish you as ever, all the very best.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Yes we are all going to die, but to stave off depression it’s probably best not to think too much about it or when it’s going to be. I’m nearly at the end of 30 radiotherapy treatments to my neck for thyroid cancer, but after tomorrow these assaults on my body will be over. I have no idea if the treatment has worked or not and I won’t know until I have a scan in about 3 months. Until then I’m going to enjoy the summer, eat good food, and try to heal the damage done. It will be wonderful to be like everybody else and not to have to lie immobilised in a tomography machine every evening. We must be grateful for small mercies!

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  4. Death is the only guarantee we each and every one of us has. And it plays on everyone’s mind from time to time. Bear with me. As a child and a teen and a young woman I was petrified of the idea of my father dying. I was convinced I would not cope. That thought would consume me from time to time. When he died – 14 years ago tomorrow – I found myself still standing. Consumed with grief but by taking one step at a time, I got there. To the place where I allowed him to find his place in me making me the person I am now. A better person for his being in me. The other death that preoccupied me was my own. Would I live a long life? Would I see tomorrow? Did I want to see tomorrow? Would I just opt out right now and not risk tomorrow? Messed up and painful but I have no control over my subconscious any more than the next person. Which leads me to you. Neatly. When you go will be when you go. How about this spin? That when you go you are not consumed by guilt and regret but rather by the knowledge that you have lived a good life, a decent life, a life that had its bumps but nonetheless you navigated and you learned and that your later years were testimony to the wonderful and plain good man you are. The loved man. The man who was truthful about who he was and who, by following that path, found the love of his life, love of theirs (Gary). A man who has brought joy to SO many through his acutely personal and truthful writing. A man who has friends he will never know. No regrets, Terry. None. A life well lived. No selfishness wishing you had control. None. Why shouldn’t you … but you can’t. No rear view just a hazy windshield leading you on til it blacks out. I send you such strength as I have. All of it. Such warmth as I have (its getting better). All of it. I send you love even though I know that is a word you struggle with from a stranger. All I have to spare. I send you rainbows 🌈 unicorns 🦄 sunshine ☀️ and moon dust 🌙. I send you all I have for no other reason than you are one of the lights in my life. Because you are you.

    Liked by 9 people

  5. I cry every time I read your posts. What you write is something most of us think about from time to time, especially when I look at my kids. Every time someone near to us dies it is never enough time having spent with them. You just have a greater awareness of life, its fragility, and the specter of death that hangs over us all. No one is guaranteed a tomorrow and you are confronting the questions. I don’t know if there is an answer but I hope you keep writing and know that you have touched so many hearts and as long as they beat you will never be forgotten.

    Liked by 2 people

    • There are no answers Marci, but I think about life and death because I do have an illness that my body is fighting and I am fighting and so I think about these subjects. I just write my thoughts down to words for others to read. I always appreciate you stopping by each day. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. All of these emotions are so natural to have my friend.. A close brush with death and its causes as you have had Terry is bound to bring it closer to ones mind.. Which in a way is giving you the opportunity to make the most of Every day from now on..

    Some who never give death a thought may go out tomorrow and meet theirs unexpectedly.. How much better to live each day as if it is your last. And enjoy every single Second.. 😉
    Blessings and Love Sue 💛

    Liked by 3 people

    • I do have a shining spirit Kathryn, I am not negative in my thinking and I am optimistic in my future. But I am keep things real, you know just in case. Just my emotions, thoughts and feelings here on my blog. I appreciate your support and your kind words. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Personally I think it’s natural to consider death if we’ve got something that could shortly kill us. It’s not bad or wrong to have those thoughts at all. And to ME? You’re handling all this wonderfully, have a positive attitude and always are thinking of your family or Gary, so where’s the harm in processing for yourself what’s possibly coming? It’s called being compassionate for those who might be left behind to have your affairs in order and some idea of what you’d like to accomplish with your time. That’s certainly not dwelling on it. My two cents.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Embeecee, I like your two cents. I knew you would understand this post, you and I are similar in thinking when it comes to death. I appreciate your kind words and always being here for me. 🙂

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  8. Terry I feel almost speechless. This post saddens me so much, just the fact of what you are feeling, what you are thinking. But then, all your emotions are understandable surely, you cannot go through what you are going through and not have these feelings. It doesn’t matter what it accomplishes, you are being real and true to yourself. You are being you. Big hugs my friend. 🙂 x

    Liked by 3 people

    • These posts are not meant for sadness – I am just being honest by writing my emotions and feelings down in words. The pain I experience everyday plays a part in these types of posts and I just try to keep things real. I appreciate your understanding Lynne and your support and kind comment. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  9. You always say how you’re open and honest on your blog and it’s about your life. So logically going through what you are right now it makes sense that you would be thinking, talking, and blogging a lot about death.However, in the same vein of honesty, I have to agree that I personally find it difficult to hear about it from you so often. BUT I know also that death, dying, suicide etc are huge issues for me for my own personal reasons. So I guess unfortunately I can’t really delve into this topic much except to say, as I did, I understand where you’re coming from and why. Amanda

    Liked by 1 person

  10. We’re all putting off death one way or another. And it crosses our mind just as it does yours. But the reality is closer to you than most of us, so it’s no wonder you write about it. I’m glad you can temper it with some rays of optimism.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh trust me Peggy, I am optimistic and hopeful. I don’t dwell on death everyday, It is just a subject that comes to my mind on occasion and something to write about with regards to my current thoughts. I always appreciate your comments and support. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  11. I wish I could add something meaningful Terry, but I can only endorse what Osyth and others have said and tell you how very much I, like everyone here, cares for you. Sending hugs as always.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. I echo what the others say. It’s understandable you think of death when you’re feeling sick. But then more optimistic about the future when you’re feeling better. You sound balanced to me. I can also tell how nice a person you are to be thinking of your loved ones and worrying for them. Remember they love you and won’t want you wasting energy in worrying about them.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Worrying – something I am doing more of recently, about others not myself. I appreciate you writing I sound balanced to you, because I feel I am. I appreciate your comment and kind words. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Oh buddy! I can understand your feelings, but it still makes me sad to read this. We need to have our visit! You need to come to Mars in your travel trailer and we need to eat and drink and be merry. Terry – you have blessed and enlightened my life in so many ways. Thank you for your honesty and your heart and your goodness. You are a BEAUTIFUL person and you have a purpose here – whether it feels like it to you or not. LOVE YOU!!!! xo

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Yes you Matter alot!!!💞. I lost my mother at the age of 3, sexually abused by a step uncle, physically and emotionally abused by a step mom, battled stage 4 liver cancer. I say all that to remind you that God is still sovereign even in pain. He is sovereign even when our bodies are weak and weary. Please don’t give up. Love you and hugs 🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹💝

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Your thoughts and feelings are very understandable. I think it is far better to write about them and get your feelings out rather than to hold them in. I know many people see sad or hard things as uncomfortable. But expressing them is far healthier than being alone with them and drowning in them. The fact that you can express your feelings is a positive sign, not a negative one. It gives you a chance to set them free outside of yourself and choose life! I would far rather you express them than to wear them like chains and shackles in a painful silence inside of yourself. Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Blue for understanding. I just write my feelings and emotions down here on my blog because it is important to me. I know some readers find it difficult to read some of my posts, and that is okay – they do not have to read. Thanks for supporting me and for the hugs. 🙂

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  16. I admire you. How could you not think of death as you are battling cancer? You’d have to be in deep denial not to. I wish I had a magic wand to take your pain away and your cancer. But, I don’t, so I leave my wishes that your days have moments that make it seem worth the fight to fight for more days. Sending a hug – O, Sandie

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Sandie for your kind comment of support. I appreciate you stopping by, as I read this comment just now, it helped me. I am in a moment of feeling down and know you and others are here for me, brings gladness to me. Thank you again for reading and commenting, I truly do appreciate it.

      Liked by 1 person

  17. Buggers on that person…..who are they to say what you should talk about and how much you can feel….whether it is death, joy, anxiety, love, its endless…screw them !!!! Terry it is only natural to think of death, hell your dealing with Cancer….daily I might add and pain hourly….this is your blog, you and only you can speak about whatever pleases you….I know I am here to listen, and send moon beams to you along with a WHOLE lot of others….perhaps this person thinks that if you think less of death it would be better….nope, you go right on thinking about death, you tell her/him your gonna beat them to the side of the road, put them in a boat for lala land….I believe the only way to beat what your fighting, no matter what it is, is head on….crazy, now that I am 60, I think about it a lot…keep reminding my children of my age….no surprises…live every day to the best you can and get up and do it again…keep talking about your thoughts, fears, anxiety, love, kids, anything you want….and think about that carnival ride…around and around…wind in your face,,,,a smile on your lips…..lots of love and moon beams my friend….xxxxXXXXxxxxkat

    Liked by 1 person

    • You brought me to tears kat, lots of them. I have been really down lately as my body is wearing down with pain and my mind is tired. So many appointments and future activities that may take place to relieve the pain. I hold hope relief will come soon, I am being beaten down each day. Thank you for always being a supporter and leaving such beautiful comments. I am fortunate for you, truly I am.

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  18. I think that you should continue to write whatever you feel, it is you, your blog. I like you for who you are Terry, and look forward to visiting your blog as often as I can. Your a very strong, brave and wonderful person. You have been through much and take time for others. Don’t let a comment throw you off course. Sandy

    Liked by 1 person

  19. During the ten years we’ve been dealing with Charley’s cancer, so many kind people have voiced their thoughts and hopes for him to get better. Many of them worried and prayed for Charley and have passed on in those intervening years. We’ve kept to our agreement that every day is a gift to be cherished and enjoyed. This attitude has sustained us through some very hard times, Terry.I want you and Gary to have many more years together, too. Keep your head up and look to the future even in hard times. It is worth it.

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  20. I completely agree with Derrick and love and adore Osyth for her wonderful heart-felt words! Personally, and from afar, I don´t think you think too often about death, Terry. I rather think we all think much too less about it and try to exclude it from our thoughts as much as we can, just because we´re scared of it. When instead we should maybe think more about it, just like you, and turn these thoughts into the motivation we need to live our lives the best we can. It´s so wonderful people like you who can make us see the truth of it and I thank you for this wonderful post, my friend and for sharing with us your feelings and insights! Many hugs and sunshine to you! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Sarah for understanding my point of view with regards to thinking about death. Especially lately, I think about it but do not dwell on it – it is in the back of my mind to remind me to stay in the moment, be honest and be loving. I always appreciate your hugs and we have plenty of sunshine today – hope you do as well. 🙂

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