It has been written in a comment on this very blog that I think about death too often. I responded with a comment, that I do not think I do and just keep it in my mind to remind myself to live each day to the fullest one day at a time.
It could be I do think about death too often.
It many early posts, I wrote about my ‘depression years’, my struggles with life and myself and my attempted suicides and psychiatric hospital stay and years & years of therapy and so much more. It is all here on my blog somewhere and honestly I think ‘it’ will be forgotten about someday.
That ‘it’ is my writings, these posts, this blog and me.
Recently I have thought about death again; it is on my mind. Folks, my body is tired and my mind is tired and I do not look forward much to anything. I know I need to look ahead and think positive and find the strength; but that part of me that battled me down so many, many years ago, wants to do it again. My life is so very different than 30 years ago; I am wiser and I have more knowledge and I have someone who truly cares for me.
But here I am again thinking about death – the ending of my life.
The difference is this time, I will not attempt to take my own life, no I did learn something those decades ago. Does it make sense that if I become pessimistic and down that I am giving cancer control and therefore I am committing suicide?
I do at times feel my death is near, maybe not in the very near future, but in the not so distant future.
There are countless posts with me writing about being strong, optimistic and trying to be a good person and live a good life. I struggle and fail many days and want to give up or give in and say to hell with it. We all are going to die someday – why do I want to fight just to extend my life?
I feel at times it does not really matter to others and especially to myself.
I do not want to die before my parents do and I do not want to die before Gary. Not that I want any of them to die soon, but I do not want to put them through having to deal with my death. I think that sounds selfish on my part.
I think about the whole purpose in life, why are we here, what should I be learning about in this thing called life?
I do not understand it, and yes, at times I want it to end.
But, being selfish and wanting it to end sooner than later – what does that accomplish?
I believe it accomplishes nothing – than again being optimistic, receiving treatment for cancer and overcoming another struggle just to put death off a little longer – what does that accomplish?