my new normal life

A couple of weeks ago in my post ‘I had a bad day‘, I concluded with the following excerpts –

I was not having a happy day

This past Sunday, I had a bad day

In today’s post, I write the following –

July of last year in my post ‘Good‘, I wrote the following words –

I honestly feel many people don’t want to hear how others truly feel. 

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Image Provided by: http://www.byui.edu

I think out of courtesy to others we ask; especially those that are dealing with a physical illness.  If I were to respond to the question differently and say “I feel very bad today, my body hurts and my bladder is burning and I am very tired.”, what would the response be?  I do not really know.  I doubt I would receive the same response as I do when responding with ‘I am good!”

Back when I wrote that post and up until recently, while in public I would pretend to be healthy, pretend to be happy, pretend to have fun and pretend to be normal.

Those days, they have changed.

I walk slower and usually am bent over – the lower back is always in pain and walking at times is difficult.

Yes, I have been out a little bit to explore the new surroundings in our new location.  I take pain medication with me ‘just in case’.

While exploring these new surroundings, I see the other people, the crowds of people who are normal, having fun and seeming healthy and happy.

I have a sense of bitterness, a sense of hatred because these people are normal and living a normal life.  These people are having fun and doing things, going about their lives and enjoying their day, each day.

After my exploring of new surroundings in our new location, after walking slower and usually bent over because the lower back is always in pain, I return home.  The event of the day, just the walking results in more pain, more pain medication, a bad mood and bitterness.

I don’t enjoy my days, there are very few days I enjoy – I am bitter.

This has become my new normal life.

(I wrote this post a couple of weeks ago, and to a certain point continue to have these feelings.  These feelings are negative and serve no good purpose.  My pain has increased and I am being tested.  I end this post with the following quote.)

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Image Provided by: Quote Master

56 thoughts on “my new normal life

  1. You are being honest with yourself, and that is ok. You recognize it, and that is good. Do what is best for you. You are allowed to grieve this illness. I hope you seek advisement on this from professionals, however, to help you through it and allow you to enjoy your journey to the best extent you can. Nobody needs to be in pain, so fight for it. Everybody deserves dignity and quality of life – no matter the stage of the journey you are in. Hugs buddy! xo

    Liked by 3 people

    • I am honest and want to be here on my blog. I keep it all in perspective, realizing many others have it worse than me. I have a great deal of support from Gary and next week starts a series of weeks that I hope to see some pain relief. Thanks Jodi. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I hope you’re not offended by what I’m about to say. But what about all the people who aren’t out enjoying their surroundings, they’re stuck somewhere staring at the same four walls feeling like they can’t even get up to do a minor task or walk up the stairs? All the other people who are also in pain, maybe unbearable pain, and feel like they’re dying, from physical and or mental diseases but don’t even have a committed and loving partner to help them get out and explore. Maybe even nobody to visit them.
    I could go on but I’m sure you get my point. I’m not in any way being nonempathetic to you I just wanted to remind you that there is so much more going on in the world that is as bad or worse than what you’re going through and we/you see what we want or expect to see.
    Perspective is a tightrope that’s difficult to stay balanced on sometimes.
    Glad to hear that you did get out for some exploring. Hugs 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • No offence taken Amanda, I was just at the VA hospital yesterday and reminded myself it could be worse. But my blog is about me, my life and struggles – I am being honest. But honestly I hear and see healthy people complaining about trivial things – I become bitter because I am in pain, I have stage 4 cancer, I have lost 35 lbs, I am receiving chemotherapy treatment and most likely will start radiation treatment soon. Yes, some others have it worse than me, but many do not. I hope you understand where this post came from, I am honest with my feelings, because this blog is about my life. I always appreciate you reading and commenting. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Of course I completely get where you’re coming from and I agree it’s normal, understandable and expected that you would be bitter. I just hope that you can manage to walk that perspective tightrope enough to keep the hope maybe a bit more because as you know it will help you get better both emotionally and physically. 🌈

        Liked by 1 person

    • This blog should not be about reminding the writer about how lucky or thankful to be. He is expressing his anguish and frustration and rightfully so. If one cannot be compassionate just to lend an ear without a lecture so please do not bother to read or comment. I would not have been as diplomatic as he was in responding to the above comment.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I remember that post from last year. You’ve seen how those of us here respond when you give us your reports on how you’re feeling – and I think it’s almost universally a response of concern for you.

    As for everyone around you, I think your words say it best: they are “seeming” to be healthy and happy. Even on days when it is hard to remember the things you have to be happy about, you do have many things in your life to be happy about – foremost among them, Gary. Not everyone in your situation is so lucky as to have someone who cares about him or her like he does for you.

    Thinking of you!!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes, I agree – I have many things in my life to be fortunate for. I remind myself there are others that are less fortunate than I. I try to keep it all in perspective. Thanks Sarah, I appreciate you. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • I am not as bitter as I was a couple of weeks ago. Peggy, I have my days where the pain is significant and it reminds me of what it taken place in my body. I become angry and bitter at others who are healthy and are living a better life. This is just me going through my many emotions that are taking place. Thanks for always supporting me and commenting each day. I appreciate you very much – because you help me in many ways. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Terry, I get exactly what you are saying. You feeling a sense of bitterness is understandable. Your life has changed considerably and not only do you now have to adjust to the pain, and all the health issues, you have to deal with the fact that you are not able to do what you used to do. Some days you may deal with these feelings better and just except and other days you may not. My friend, I totally totally understand. It is like your life has been ripped right out from you, and there is nothing you can do about it….but accept….and that is not as easy as it sounds. Hugs x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Lynne for your understanding. I have many emotions taking place, and at times my pain is exceptional. I feel relief will come soon, but in the mean time the pain controls me and I allow it to take me to negativity and despair. I am trying to be upbeat and be the person I truly am, but as I indicated in the end of the post – I am being tested. I always appreciate you reading and commenting, you my friend bring me great support that I am very much needing right now. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. You may be painfully walking slower and bent over but you are still walking. You haven’t capitulated to your disease. You’re allowed to rant and rave if you want to. You’re allowed to have bad days. Sometimes, it just feels good to lay on the floor and “waller.”
    People ask us how we’ere doing all the time and the answer might very well be “I’d have to take my pulse to see if my heart was still beating.” Some of us are honest and say it. Some of us don’t.
    You have got a plethora of well wishers who care about you and understand that you are not feeling “on top of the world,” and many of us are on WordPress to tell our stories…good, bad or indifferent. Oftentimes, we can say things in the cyber world that we couldn’t possibly say in the real world.
    I say…tell us how you are really feeling….I send hugs to you…and your Gary. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    • Laurel, your honestly on your blog is one of many reasons I like you. I appreciate you reading the way I really feel, and supporting me by allowing me to write my feelings down here for all to read. I try to give no excuses for my feelings – I am who I am – and I do not like what is taking place in my life right now, but I do the best I can to be happy, I really do. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. ‘Better out than in’ as we would say up here in ‘t North! Or, better to express than repress these feelings. I too know how all-encompassing pain can really drag you down and it becomes so difficult to ‘keep smiling’ and remember there are people worse off, it doesn’t always feel like it and acknowledging the fact doesn’t always make one feel better or grateful we are not one of those whose situation is worse than our own. It is your blog to write whatever and whenever you like. Write away! 💜

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Chris for understanding and supporting me and my blog. Just yesterday I was at the VA hospital and was reminded there are people worse off than me. Thanks for your comment and I hope you are having a good week. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  7. If you could see inside those ‘normal’ people going about their days and (seeming) to enjoy their lives, I bet it’d shock you. Because each of them faces individual bitter days just like you. What’s that saying? “Normal” is only the setting on a dryer… NOBODY is ‘normal”. Take care Terry and keep writing. It’s the best remedy I’ve found for the bitter pill of reality certainly! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. So glad you wrote how your feeling. This is your place to write about your life and what’s happening. A new and ever-changing normal is hard to keep in perspective without pain, you have pain to contend with on top of everything else. Big hugs to you, Terry.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Oh Terry; like everyone here I hurt for your pain and am anguished that we can do so little to alleviate it. I’m sure it’s that sense of helplessness that makes people want others to say “yes, I’m well” even (especially) when that’s not true. How much better we’d be as a society if we were all more honest.

    I can understand that bitterness must sometimes seep through,no matter how positive you manage to be; Chris is right — “better out than in.”

    I so hope your care professionals can work some pain management magic very soon.

    Kia Kaha my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m happy to hear you are feeling better. We need variety in our emotions and sometimes we go to a dark place, especially when we’re hurting and can’t live like other people. When things are at their darkest I remind myself that I have been here before and it has passed. It may even be your new lowest of low, but there is always hope that tomorrow will be better. It sounds like you have a glimmer of hope now. In terms of pain management have you heard of Float Therapy? It can help reduce pain a person feels. It changes our brainwaves. I just did a blog on it. I can’t help but think about the timing as you deal with your pain. Maybe it’s something else that might help? Hope. Sending you love.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, I understand your words, I have been in darker places before in my life, and it changed to better times. Thank you for letting me know about Float Therapy, I will check it out. Thanks for stopping by to read and comment – have a happy day. 🙂

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  11. Dear Terry, I am so sorry about your pain and discomfort and the resulting negative feelings. It’s perfectly normal to have those bitter feelings when in constant pain and when your quality of life has so drastically diminished. You are doing a great job expressing your feelings in the blogosphere and documenting the events in your life – it is so important for so many people our there!
    Keep smiling!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dolly, I just want to be honest here on my blog. My life right now is tough and so therefore I am writing about negative emotions. I appreciate your support and taking the time to stop by to read. Yes, I will keep smiling – thank you for the reminder. Happy day to you. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Dear Terry, I hope you understand how important your openness and your honest expression of all emotions, including the negative ones, is for your readers. Your sincerity and courage deserves the highest admiration! Keep smiling and have a good day!

        Liked by 1 person

  12. I’m not even a tiny bit surprised you feel bitter and angry when you see people able to just get about. I hope that they in turn might notice you and realise just how fortunate they (and I am one of the they at the moment) are to be ABLE to just enjoy life simply. You are not so fortunate, far from it and your feelings of anger and resentment are entirely understandable. Pain is a dreadful bedfellow and when pain decides it’s going to haunt every God damn moment of your life, it must be pretty ghastly. I feel for you, I can’t feel with you and I am the one who should feel guilty that I moan and groan over tiny things when you are coping with this exhausting, debilitating and excruciating battle in y our own body with an uninvited, invasive and destructive guest. I send hugs. The warmest, softest hugs that manage, just for a moment, to take away the pain.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Osyth, you are always supportive – I am fortunate. I appreciate your words of understanding and for allowing me to write what I am feeling both good and bad here on my blog. I know my current situation will change and my life will be better soon. Thanks for the hugs, happy day my dear good friend. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Be your honest self, Terry. No bland answers. Someone recently told me I should not say how I felt if it was bad. I should always reply with something nice. I replied: “If you ask me how I am, I will tell you”.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Derrick, your reply is perfect, and I agree. Sometimes it is difficult to tell people how we really feel. Thank you for stopping by to read and comment. I hope you have a wonderful day. 🙂

      Like

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