Past weeks, months; I have written about my pain – the seeming never ending pain.
Is the pain because the cancer that is invading my Lymph Nodes are pressing against nerves?
Is the pain because of the position I was in during a lengthy 10 ½ surgery placed too much pressure on specific nerves?
These questions are possible reasons and there can be others as well.
I am in pain every minute of every day and at times the pain is so severe, I want to die.
Those times of severe pain the thought of suicide crosses my mind – I want to do it – I want to kill myself.
February of last year, I wrote a post ‘suicide – it sounds peaceful, it sounds calm‘, in which I wrote the following words –
It sounds peaceful, it sounds calm, it sounds internal; it sounds like something that’s good to me, something that I want. But as long as I am still here I am not going to commit suicide – I will not do it. And though my mind tells me it is an option, there is that conscience part of me that says no, it is not an option. And I struggle with this still; but it will not ever happen and I will keep fighting the good fight and I will keep continuing to move forward.
October of 2015, I wrote a post ‘I am not afraid to die‘, in which I wrote the following words –
I will be totally honest with you my readers – today the thought of killing me still occasionally crosses my mind and there are times I wish I were dead. But the act of me intentionally killing me will not take place. No matter the struggles I still have in my life; I understand the taking of my own life is not the way for me to deal with these struggles. I believe all of us are on this earth for a reason, and no matter the struggles we encounter; we all have strength within ourselves to overcome, to move forward and to survive. Sometimes that strength can be buried under all the burdens of despair and anguish and finding it can be difficult.
Back to today –
I attempted suicide in my 20s; about 30 years ago, and this act has and still is a constant thought on my mind.
In one of my many posts here on my blog, I wrote about a memory I have when I was a very young child. I was likely anywhere from 10 to 12 years old. I remember wanting to die and walking into the kitchen and reaching for a knife. I remember wanting to stab myself with that knife and killing myself; ending it all.
I am in my 50s now and those thoughts of killing myself and ending it all continue to be strong today. Especially now, with times of pain so great the tears from my eyes can fill buckets and those thoughts of killing myself are so very strong.
And I have pills; lots of pills that can help with that – but still today I fight that urge – I remind myself; killing me, this is not an option.