the option to kill myself

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Past weeks, months; I have written about my pain – the seeming never ending pain.

Is the pain because the cancer that is invading my Lymph Nodes are pressing against nerves?

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Is the pain because of the position I was in during a lengthy 10 ½ surgery placed too much pressure on specific nerves?

These questions are possible reasons and there can be others as well.

I am in pain every minute of every day and at times the pain is so severe, I want to die.

Those times of severe pain the thought of suicide crosses my mind – I want to do it – I want to kill myself.

February of last year, I wrote a post ‘suicide – it sounds peaceful, it sounds calm‘, in which I wrote the following words –

It sounds peaceful, it sounds calm, it sounds internal; it sounds like something that’s good to me, something that I want.  But as long as I am still here I am not going to commit suicide – I will not do it.  And though my mind tells me it is an option, there is that conscience part of me that says no, it is not an option.  And I struggle with this still; but it will not ever happen and I will keep fighting the good fight and I will keep continuing to move forward.

October of 2015, I wrote a post ‘I am not afraid to die‘, in which I wrote the following words –

I will be totally honest with you my readers – today the thought of killing me still occasionally crosses my mind and there are times I wish I were dead.   But the act of me intentionally killing me will not take place.  No matter the struggles I still have in my life; I understand the taking of my own life is not the way for me to deal with these struggles.  I believe all of us are on this earth for a reason, and no matter the struggles we encounter; we all have strength within ourselves to overcome, to move forward and to survive.  Sometimes that strength can be buried under all the burdens of despair and anguish and finding it can be difficult.

Back to today –

I attempted suicide in my 20s; about 30 years ago, and this act has and still is a constant thought on my mind.

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In one of my many posts here on my blog, I wrote about a memory I have when I was a very young child.  I was likely anywhere from 10 to 12 years old.  I remember wanting to die and walking into the kitchen and reaching for a knife.  I remember wanting to stab myself with that knife and killing myself; ending it all.

I am in my 50s now and those thoughts of killing myself and ending it all continue to be strong today.  Especially now, with times of pain so great the tears from my eyes can fill buckets and those thoughts of killing myself are so very strong.

And I have pills; lots of pills that can help with that – but still today I fight that urge – I remind myself; killing me, this is not an option.

76 thoughts on “the option to kill myself”

  1. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this….stay strong, I still believe that you can win this battle……as always….I am here sending you warmth, love, and as many moon beams as possible……xxXXxxkat

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  2. I’m so thankful that you have taken that option off the table. You are a strong willed person and you can handle this and anything that comes along in the future. Pain may infiltrate every inch of our physical being, but it doesn’t have to infiltrate our minds.

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  3. Oooh my.. so sorry 😐 you have to endure such intense unbearable pain..

    Maan not much I can say to ease your mind ..
    but I can only imagine how being in such misery would cause you these dreaded thoughts…

    Wish there was a way to stop it … for you..

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  4. I’m so sorry for your pain, I know I can never understand all the pains you are going through, but I can safely say you’re a brave man and very encouraging person. Despite everything you’re so strong minded and a fighter. You deserve to live, we need fighters like you around to help us when we don’t want to carry on with life anymore. Great post, hope to read more from you death is not an option indeed. You will make it to the end hold on my friend. 👌🤗

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  5. I can’t imagine the physical pain you are going through, but I am grateful to be able to read about it – for the simple reason that I am able to gain insight to another soul.

    The topic of suicide is not strange to me, having had my own two dances with it. I can completely relate to the desires and choices, so I never judge anyone that considers it.

    I think you know that you are a joy in the world, even if you are struggling feeling that joy.

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  6. Oh, Terry! None of us can imagine the constant pain you’re going through. Writing is such a good thing for the soul; perhaps writing posts like this help you to put those thoughts aside. Perhaps it has some healing for you. I hope so. Your other 2,000 followers are cheering and praying for you.

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    • I write these types of posts because I feel these thoughts that have always been a part of me are important. I have struggled with this all my life, but realize I have a choice. And as difficult as it may be, I make the right choice. Thank you Jennie, I always appreciate your reading and commenting. 🙂

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      • Thank you for your open answer. If only all people could write about their deepest thoughts and struggles… well, that takes bravery. And you are a very brave man, Terry. Yes, you have choices, and your heart ❤️ wins in the end, making the right one. My very best to you!

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  9. You know this post told me less about the pain that you are suffering and more about the Warrior that you possess in yourself. That Lion Hearted Warrior who had been to several battles; fought them all; survived them all and who came back with an increased will power; every-time. That’s why, I am confident about your victory over this battle as well.
    These thoughts are just some illusions that are being created by that pain. But, remember these are just illusions; your brain and gut are much stronger and capable to destroy them.
    So, Believe that warrior inside you who has helped you to win over everything.
    Wish you all the Luck 🙂

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  10. I can’t imagine the type of pain that your in, but I am very happy to hear the strength in you writing. Reading your words of suicide not being an option is terrific. I hope and will continue to pray for strength and courage as you continue your journey.

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  11. I have always said, fight the fight, but now I think it is more of a battle. I want those Facet Injections to work. If the pain can be relieved or better still…go, it would help you emotionally and physically. You are a strong man my friend and you have come so far. Hugs. x

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    • Lynne, I can handle the cancer if it were not for the intense pain I am feeling. I feel exhausted and drained. I continue to look for relief and hoping the next couple of weeks that will happen. Thank you dear Lynne. 🙂

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  12. Resist the pain as best you can. Like everyone else, I simply cannot imagine what you are going through. But I truly hope the injection works and you are flooded with hope and strength. We are pulling for you.

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    • I do have patches for my lower back besides the pain medications I am on. There is some relief from them, but still the lower back pain and other pains I am having are very overwhelming at times. Thanks Stevie! 🙂

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  17. When things get the blackest – for heaven’s sake reach out to someone. Talk to Gary, talk to the dog, call a hot line. I know I’m probably preaching to the choir, but these are steps I take when I get that low, which happens frequently. I just do not and will never understand why some of us who are tired of living must endure. While others (like yourself) with a lot of good life experiences must suffer. Maybe one day it’ll all make sense. In the meanwhile, take care!

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    • During these times of internal conflict, Gary is always here listening to me. He knows me well enough and listens to me and understandings me. Yes, maybe one day it will all make sense, this thing called life. Thank you Embeecee for your always truthful and welcomed comments. 🙂

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  20. I’m so so sorry for your pain dear terry. It’s not fair -huh? But life isn’t. There are still so many wonderful things though and I hope you can the time and effort to try to focus on those. I’m sure easier said than done and I don’t want to sound trite. I’m just so sorry you are in such pain. I hope you can seek relief soon. Comforting hugs. Xo

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    • Jodi, my eyes fill with tears as I read your comment, you are right, life is not fair. Right now I am hating it and having a difficult time, but I continue to fight and move forward. I do need relief soon, the day’s are becoming difficult. Your hugs are appreciated as always you are a special friend here on WP. Thank you. 🙂

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  21. You’ve always been open here about these thoughts you have – I know there isn’t much I can do, especially when it comes to taking away the pain that brings these thoughts to mind, but I can provide open ears to listen. I wish I could do more. Thinking of you.

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  22. Dear Spearfruit,
    Don’t be afraid!! cancer has no HOLD on you!! Death has got nothing on you…and always remember YOU are not ALONE!! You can do this..Stay strong dear friend.… Sending you Love, blessings and warmth,..

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  25. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being so open. I totally understand these types of feelings. This is something I go threw too but haven’t been able to say it out loud. In this journey I get great news and then I get a blow that sends me into a downward spiral (somewhat). I know your feelings too well, but I too will keep fighting the good fight. And yes suicide is out of the question. Again thanks and I’m so happy I stumbled upon your blog. Hopefully I will be posting an update soon about my latest setback. Just haven’t brought myself to do it yet. Chat soon my internet friend 🙂

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  28. Hugs over pills, be surrounded by people that love you. Love brings love. It is awful to feel like you do and I truly wish I could give you a solution but I can’t. Motivation comes from within, and so does the wish to live on… I hope you can find some little thing to live for every day.

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  29. It not at all an option, my dear friend.
    Let me tell you one thing. Last 104 days I was also suffering from same problems… I underwent a surgery on 28th of February. For around 10 days I was on the ventilator with no surety of coming back to this life. After 10 days some how I came back to life. But during the last 104 days I have been suffering like anything… Radiation for 30 days with 6 chemo therapy. But slowly I am coming to normalcy, which may take few more moths. Off course it was very painful days….
    I wrote all this only to motivate you, my dear friend. I could make it only because of the constant support and encouragement from my wife and daughters.
    Wish you all the best my friend, I am sure you will be able to come out of it in flying colors.

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    • I truly appreciate your support and encouragement. I know there are many people suffering different but similar journeys and support each other is important. Thanks again, I appreciate you reading and commenting. 🙂

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