no answers

Not yet 2 years; there is still the summer season that is waiting to be enjoyed.

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But this summer will be different and I am unsure if I will enjoy it.

After the summer, then it will be that day, the 2 years ago that it all changed.  The day my life changed and will never be the same again.

It was about 20 months ago that I noticed a light discoloration in my urine.  I told Gary, that something was wrong; he responded that it looked okay.  I know my body better than anyone else.  And for 20 months I still say that – I know my body better than anyone else.  Along the past 20 months, I have told Gary and my doctors things about my body and I have always been right.

Why am I telling you this?

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These past 20 months; almost 2 years, I never questioned the reason and I never asked the questions.  I always have felt everything happens for a reason; both good and bad.  ‘That’s Life’ as they say.  I still feel this way – but now with the intense pain I am experiencing, I finally asked the questions.

Currently my typical day is enduring pain and as the day progresses, so does the pain.  My evenings the pain is overwhelming to the point my eyes are filled with tears and I am at my breaking point.  This experience repeats each day and at this point is not getting better – but worse.

The other night, I finally asked the questions.  I was in the bedroom alone ready for bed and experiencing the usual unbearable pain.  I was crying profusely and I lifted my face upward and asked “Why?”, “Why me?”, “What did I do to deserve this?”

I received no answers and I went to bed with the usual pain, knowing what has become the normal routine will happen.  I will lay there in bed and try to find a comfortable position, knowing it is in vain.  Eventually after several hours I will get out of bed and make my way to the other room of the RV and find the recliner and a position that lessons the pain I am feeling.  Eventually a few hours of sleep are obtained and I wake to a new day to do it all over again.

The questions are still on my mind now every day.  “Why?”, “Why me?”, “What did I do to deserve this?”

Still, no answers and I continue to suffer.

20170416_194313 (2)I experience a great deal of pain each day and my cancer is spreading.

“Why?”

“Why me?”

“What did I do to deserve this?”

Still, no answers.

64 thoughts on “no answers

  1. We often do not find answers to all our questions, but what matters is our attitude during these periods of confusion. You do have a great attitude – the way you pen down your thoughts and take charge of your feelings and emotions. Really brave.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I hear you loud and clear my friend. That one word question ‘why?’ That question, why me? and what have you done to deserve this? I hear you, and I would so love to know the answers. None of this is fair! I too, have always said and believed the same as you…things happen for a reason, it is life…but this, suffering, this endless suffering. I just don’t understand it.
    I truly wish you relief from all this pain. I wish you a decent night’s sleep in your bed and happiness. I want you to be happy again. Hugs x

    Liked by 3 people

    • Yes, the answers will never be known, this I know. I am being broken down right now, but still remain with hope things will change in the next couple of weeks. Thank you Lynne, for your understanding and support and yes the hugs as well. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I could also ask the same question; why me? Why have I had to suffer with thyroid cancer for 12 years, have next to no voice and have had to undergo three major surgeries, 4 doses of radioiodine, and 30 sessions of radiotherapy? I have always looked after my body and eaten healthily. It doesn’t seem fair does it? However, cancer can strike anybody at any time – nobody is immune. In the end I have had to accept my condition and say…’Why not?’ Saying ‘Why not?’ seems to be the only way to get through it.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Stevie, your acceptance to your condition is admirable and I understand the “Why not?”. It makes sense to me. I continue to process what is taking place with me and asking the ‘Whys’, I think is part of that process. I remain strong during times of pain and know this is not the end, but just a part of me right now. Better things are coming, I truly feel this to be true. Thanks for you comment, I truly appreciate it very much. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  4. It is utterly unfair. There is no rhyme nor reason to it. You have done nothing to deserve this. You are a good, kind, generous man. A normal man who has his moments of being not so good nor kind nor generous doubtless but overall a man of decency and integrity which I believe are the greatest of traits in a human being. So there is no reason. There is no fairness in you having this suffering and I can only echo the wonderful leggypeggy in hoping that they find a solution to the pain very very soon. And of course I send you my warmest and dearest and sincerest wishes for at least the little things around you to sparkle and shine and bring you pleasure. Here’s a rainbow to cheer you 🌈 and a unicorn 🦄 because they are magical and have special powers. And of course my most enveloping hug of hugs 🤗

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you Osyth for always sending your sparkles, shines and pleasure – they do brighten my day. Life is not fair, this I know. I am at my weakest right now as I try to remain positive – honestly it is very tough right now. I feel things will be changing for the better in the near future. Thanks again dear, you always have the right words for me. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  5. I ask myself the same question numerous times in my life.
    Why was I born to abusive parents? Why me?
    Why weren’t we allowed to have children? Why me?
    Why cancer? Why me?
    Why RA? Why me?

    The answer is rather simple my friend.” Why not!”

    I hate to know you are in pain. I hate for you to feel so down. I wish there would be a magical wand to make it all go away.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Yes, you and another have the same result ‘Why not.’, this makes sense to me. I need time to process my emotions and I think asking the ‘Whys’, is part of the process. My life will change, I know this to be true and with those changes I will continue to be strong and brave and fright the good fight. Thank you Bridget, I appreciate you reading and commenting. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Bad things happen but there is no reason. These are cards that you were dealt, and not for something you did or didn’t do.
    Stop thinking that. Stop.
    Do what you can, and don’t concern yourself with the remainder.
    Fair is a strange idea, explain it to a child born stillborn. You have a life, keep living as long as you can.
    Strong words but you are a strong man, my intent is to support you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • And your intent is well taken in a positive way. I understand where you are coming from David and certainly appreciate your comment. I continue to fight and change along the way with my emotions and thinking. Thanks again David. 🙂

      Like

  7. Oh Terry….I feel your agony…..you do not deserve the pain your going through….there is no rhyme or reason for any of it, that’s what boggles the mind…..did nothing to make this happen…and if life was fair, you would not have to carry this burden….I am so sorry for you pain, and frustration….moon beams and moon rays shooting your way…..xxxkat

    Liked by 2 people

    • I know my feelings will be short lived and the ever changing emotions I am going through right now will calm down. I feel better things are coming in the future, I must remain optimistic. Thank you kat, for your support and yes for the moon beams! 🙂

      Like

  8. Keep strong, we know not why our life is ours but we can make it how we choose. Darkness is all around us and it tries to consume us but keep shining that beautiful light of yours. Keep smiling that lovely smile of yours.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Acceptance is the answer Terry. I was the last person people thought would get cancer. I was a fitness coach for 25yrs very fit, didn’t drink, didn’t smoke looked after myself and yet I have terminal cancer.

    The only thing you can do is accept what has happened and get on with living. This is the hardest thing to do but it must be done. I’m finding things difficult at the moment so I step away from things for while and practice bringng myself back to a mindset of living in the now, not thinking about past or future.

    Take care of yourself terry and ACCEPT.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Thank you Richard for your honestly and understanding. I know acceptance is very important and someday it will be a part of me. My emotions are many right now as I deal with this cancer and the associated pain that at times is unbearable. I appreciate you and your comment and wish the very best in your life. Thanks again Richard. 🙂

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  10. Terry, I wish with all my heart that you could find some relief from the unending pain you are experiencing. No-one deserves it, there is no reason for it, you are not to blame.
    I will not be online for a few days but I shall be thinking of you and joining with the others in sending a virtual hug 🤗

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Terry I am terribly sad for you going through this. Why you, indeed. There is no rhyme nor reason certain people have to endure such awful things in life. I have nothing to say that will comfort you but only that you are often in my thoughts. xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for your kind words of support. I know these questions will never be answered. I will come to accept and live the best I can. I have many wonderful friends here including you – thanks again. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Thank you Terry for sharing the pain you go through so honestly. The only thing I can say is that Jesus bore our pain on the cross. He took on Him every pain and burden and sin there have every been on this earth. I only write this because I can’t give you anything else that could help your intense pain. Isaiah 53:4 Surely He has borne our griefs (sicknesses, weaknesses, and distresses) and carried our sorrows ans pains…..
    This was written 740 years before Christ

    Liked by 1 person

  13. You are an incredibly brave man not to have asked that question before now. You’re so right, you’ve been through so much you deserve to scream it at the top of your lungs. I hate so much that you’re having to fo through all of this and it’s amazing that you’re still managing to blog each day. Thank you for that.
    If you ever want to just send an email full of whatever is on your mind and needs letting out, no judgements, feel free to do so. amrandco@fastmail.com
    Just thought I’d through that out there in case you need it one day. Take care. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • I will admit there are days that I have more difficulty keeping up with my blog. But I find it important to keep current because it gives me something to focus on and I need that right now. The questions I finally asked are natural for what I am going through, and I never expected answers. I do hold on to hope that the future will bring better things for me. Thank you Amanda for your support and I will keep your email handy. Happy day my friend. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  14. I survived suicide attempt in 1974 at the age of 23 and only the Lord helped me through that and after that He helped me survive an abusive narcissist husband ( to get away with our four children) life is tough but Jesus has never forsaken me

    Liked by 2 people

  15. My dear sweet man – I “liked” my way down to the comment box because I so wish to do *something* to help – to soften your pain, even a little bit, to sing you to sleep, to share something that might lead to remission. Yet I can offer you nothing but compassion — and love — and virtual support by adding to the “likes” that will be reported as statistics.

    How brave you are to put your thoughts “in print” — I pray that it helps you to center somewhat. I’ve heard it often said that fighting pain is unwise and only serves to intensify it, but I’ve never been very successful “embracing it” myself, so I can offer nothing there. I am not surprised that you have come to a place where you question “why you.” I would have questioned much earlier, I’m sure.

    I have learned not to fight with my feelings, however, and I’ve found that accepting them helps them to transform somewhat, so perhaps it will do the same for you to rail your anguish until you have exhausted it. You know your body best – and *only* you can know your Self and what it needs. Take it.

    I will follow your journey, sending white light for healing and prayers for peace and sleep, and respite from pain.
    xx,
    mgh
    (Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMORE dot com)
    ADD/EFD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder
    “It takes a village to transform a world!”

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I’m sorry you are in so much pain and knowing you’re dying cannot be easy at all. Yes, we’re all dying, but you think ( I only say think because people do defy the odds) you have an idea of when that will be. That would not be easy. I am not afraid of death, but I don’t want to know how and when I’m going to go on to what’s after this. I’m sure if I had that diagnosis I would be totally crazy. I wish you could find some pain relief. Living each day and night in pain really sucks, I know………………………….mine is different, but it is constant……….One day at a time, just like you say. Enjoy each day to the fullest of your ability. I know, it’s hard to get up and move much when in such pain. I hope you’re getting some kind of joy out of life. Hang in there…………it’s rough……just do what you can and that’s enough. If you can’t do anything that day, that’s ok, too. I’m inspired by you. I need some inspiration, that’s for sure. Take care of you! Hope you have a “less pain” kind of day today. Peace out! XXX 🙂
    Forgot something…….I’ve had discolored urine for awhile now; red, brown, reddish brown, dark, dark yellow……………all colors I’ve never seen my urine to be, even when severely dehydrated and hospitalize, only dark yellow…………….I’ve mentioned it to doctor’s and they do not seem concerned. I had 2 kidney stones recently, but passed them and the discolored urine is persistent. Should I be worried? How did you get a doctor to do further testing, as I know this is not a normal thing to be happening and it’s quite frustrating to take the pictures of my urine with blood in it to my urologist and he just acts like I’m over reacting……………………….I’m sorry, doctor, but my brother had renal cell carcinoma 3 years ago, so yeah……………I do worry about that, some…………………did you you have other symptoms, too? I’m also putting out a huge quantity of urine daily. My research tells me that amount means something is seriously wrong. My doctor’s don’t listen. I don’t know if I should be worried or just ignore it, as my doctor’s do…………………………..Any assistance would be greatly appreciated. My brother got lucky and they found his cancer accidentally while doing an x-ray for something else. They kept an eye on it and when they didn’t like the way it was looking, they removed it, got it all……….they say, anyway. He didn’t even have to do chemo or radiation…………..this is always in the back of my mind with all these urinary issues. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • I would just be persistent with your doctors if you feel that strongly. There are urine tests that can determine any abnormalities. I am hoping pain relief comes soon for me, and in the mean time, I manage the best I can. Thanks for stopping by to comment. I hope you have a the best day you can. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  17. Interesting how… no matter what ‘bad’ happens… people think somehow ‘we’ are to blame…

    I have never went through your pain, but I will say, when we went through our own health ordeal… I found myself ‘not’ telling certain people during the crisis… they found out third party what happened…

    When they went out of their way to call, I found out why I had left them out of the loop…

    They said, and I quote: “Oh my gosh! I bet you’re wondering what you did to deserve this!”

    My response? “No… actually, I’m thankful we caught it in time… and he’s still with us…”

    All about perspective.

    Stay strong.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, I understand about perspective. And usually I do keep that in mind, but recently the pain is intense and my mind is tired. Then I remind myself to be strong and continue on the best I can. Difficult at times, but I do. Thanks for your comment, always appreciated.

      Liked by 1 person

  18. As humans we have this overwhelming need to make sense of the world, but the awful reality I think, is that often there is no sense. No reason or logic, and sometimes absolutely no justice — or you would not be going through all this. I think in the end we need to look not for reasons but for useful beliefs — whatever gets us through. Sending love and hugs to you and Gary.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, I totally understand where you are coming from. I am getting to that point now – not trying to find the reasons, but what are the useful beliefs and benefits. Thanks Su for an inspiring comment, you are a true friend. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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