Not yet 2 years; there is still the summer season that is waiting to be enjoyed.
But this summer will be different and I am unsure if I will enjoy it.
After the summer, then it will be that day, the 2 years ago that it all changed. The day my life changed and will never be the same again.
It was about 20 months ago that I noticed a light discoloration in my urine. I told Gary, that something was wrong; he responded that it looked okay. I know my body better than anyone else. And for 20 months I still say that – I know my body better than anyone else. Along the past 20 months, I have told Gary and my doctors things about my body and I have always been right.
Why am I telling you this?
These past 20 months; almost 2 years, I never questioned the reason and I never asked the questions. I always have felt everything happens for a reason; both good and bad. ‘That’s Life’ as they say. I still feel this way – but now with the intense pain I am experiencing, I finally asked the questions.
Currently my typical day is enduring pain and as the day progresses, so does the pain. My evenings the pain is overwhelming to the point my eyes are filled with tears and I am at my breaking point. This experience repeats each day and at this point is not getting better – but worse.
The other night, I finally asked the questions. I was in the bedroom alone ready for bed and experiencing the usual unbearable pain. I was crying profusely and I lifted my face upward and asked “Why?”, “Why me?”, “What did I do to deserve this?”
I received no answers and I went to bed with the usual pain, knowing what has become the normal routine will happen. I will lay there in bed and try to find a comfortable position, knowing it is in vain. Eventually after several hours I will get out of bed and make my way to the other room of the RV and find the recliner and a position that lessons the pain I am feeling. Eventually a few hours of sleep are obtained and I wake to a new day to do it all over again.
The questions are still on my mind now every day. “Why?”, “Why me?”, “What did I do to deserve this?”
Still, no answers and I continue to suffer.
I experience a great deal of pain each day and my cancer is spreading.
“What did I do to deserve this?”
Still, no answers.