Failed

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In last Friday’s post ‘for as long as possible‘, I wrote the following –

It is Friday and today is the day I am looking for pain relief – today is the day I receive my Superior Hypogastric Nerve Block procedure.  I certainly will update you next week with how I feel and the results of this procedure.

Next Monday I start my radiation treatments; another potential for pain relief.  I have no expectations concerning the radiation, except I want something good to come from it.

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In today’s post, I write the following –

Friday as I am being prepared for the procedure upon taking with the doctor, I find out this procedure will not be a simulation.  The simulation would only last a couple of days and if it worked, then I would go back and have the actual procedure for the long term relief.  This procedure should provide long term relief which may be a couple of weeks or a couple of months.

The procedure takes place and immediately I do not feel any difference.  Considering they gave me pain medication during the procedure, I thought I would be feeling no pain at all.  The pain was just as significant as before the procedure; Gary and I felt very disappointed.  Gary sees what I go through each day and he is frustrated the doctors cannot find the source of the pain.  He asks the doctor who performed the procedure to contact my Oncologist Dr. L. to see if there are any other tests that can be performed – there must be something they have missed for me to be feeling this amount of pain.  Dr. L indicates there are no other tests and the radiation treatment that starts on Monday should help with reducing the pain.

It is Friday evening and as usual my pain is great and I am feeling little to no difference in my pain level several hours after the procedure was done.  I take my usual amount of evening pills and prepare myself for another rough night.  The nightly routine is Gary sleeps in the bed and I sleep on the recliner.  I am unable to lie flat in the bed without feeling significate pain.  The recliner provides me some relief because I can position myself lightly upright, which takes pressure off my lower back pain.

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I am sitting in the recliner preparing myself for another night’s sleep and Gary is sitting in a chair next to me and I begin to cry.  He places his hand on mine and I tell him, I feel like I am dying and my body is starting to shut down and I will not be around much longer.

I say to him ‘I have failed you.’

73 thoughts on “Failed”

  1. OOOOOOhhhhh Terry! Sweet Terry! You have not failed anyone! Cancer cannot steal your beautiful spirit of love. I am so sorry to hear of your excruciating pain. So sad. Please keep pestering those doctors until they find relief for your pain! There has to be something. Oh Terry! I hate this struggle for you. Sending hugs and love! xo

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    • Thank you Jodi. The pain continues and we will see if the radiation treatments make any difference. In the meantime, the pain medications are increased. Thanks as always for your sincere comments and your support.

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  2. My friend, I am so sorry. I really hoped for better news. One thing is for sure, you have not failed Gary. I am sure he does not feel that you have. Today is Monday and your Radiation Treatment Day, lets hope this will provide you with the pain relief you deserve. Thinking of you. Hugs x

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  3. How can you be failing when you may not even be aware – totally unknowing – of the lesson/life you are destined to give? May comfort and peace find you. (The recliner is good adaptation. With cancer sometimes the battlefield’s reliefs are surprising) May your doctor and team be guided well and give you relief. HUGS and healing wishes.

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    • Thank you for your support, I do hope to get the pain under control, unfortunately right now that involves increasing pain medications, which affects me in other ways. I appreciate your comment and hugs.

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  7. I am saddened, dreadfully saddened to read this. You are no failure but brought to your quivering, screaming knees by pain, it is entirely understandable and justifiable that you feel you have failed. Pain, constant, agonising pain is not something I can empathise with and that makes me extraordinarily lucky. I can sympathise and I do. With you. With Gary. Your dreams and simple life shattered by this ugly, nasty condition that has hijacked your body and is having a mean and nasty party in it. Frustrating I am sure doesn’t cover it. As it can’t cover the way I feel when I try hard to send you something that might help and I simply can’t. For all I have are meagre words and I never ever want them to sound like platitudes. I hope upon hope, wish upon wish that the radiation treatment will provide a solution to this agonising constant that you are living. And I send you my warmest hugs (gentle ones so they don’t hurt you) and my strongest thoughts and wishes. An ocean is nothing. I can leap it in a single bound in my mind to be next to you giving you solace. 🌈 🌊 ☀️

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    • Osyth, your comment and words of support are amazing. I hope as well the radiation treatments will help as I am having to increase pain medications which in turn cause me other issues. Gentle hugs are always welcomed as are your thoughts and wishes.

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  8. The pain causeso even the strongest to crumble when combined with poor rest. This is not you Terry. You are sick, but not a failure. You are hurting and a solution must be found. Hold on to the hand of Gary and keep on doing what you are able. Hugs my friend.

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    • Thank you David for your kind words. My feeling of failure comes from leaving Gary alone in life. I do not want this to happen, but have had nothing good or positive to hold on to. I hope the radiation treatments will help, because I had to increase my pain medications.

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  10. Dear Terry, you have not chosen to be ravaged by this aggressive disease, so you have not failed! You have, however, chosen to put up the most valiant struggle I have ever seen, and you are succeeding in your battle. I am so very sorry about your pain, and I hope today’s radiation treatment will provide some relief!
    Sending prayers and blessings your way,
    Dolly

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  12. Oh Terry, your pain and sorrow are coming through this post os profoundly. You have not failed. You are Gary’s love and the light of his life. I hope the radiation provides relief today. Much love and strength to you my beautiful friend. ❤️

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  15. It is not your failure but the lack of knowledge on behalf of the medics who are trying but failing to find the source of this terrible, debilitating pain. I can empathise. After numerous procedures and a spinal surgery, I underwent a pain block procedure in my spine, it didn’t even numb the pain of the procedure and caused me to collapse, the pain was so severe. I admire your courage, enduring so many treatments and still trying to keep up your and Gary’s spirits when they fail. My daughter had 3 in her neck for chronic shoulder pain and they didn’t work either. In the end, we both went down the alternative therapy route as no drugs eased the pain. I know this is not a solution for you and I describe it only to show that you are not alone and haven’t failed. Our partners also had to stand by and watch as treatment after treatment was undergone and didn’t work. And that’s the point, it is the treatments that have failed, not you. I too hope woth all my heart that the radiation treatments bring some relief. 💜🤞🏻

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    • Thank you Chris for your understanding and letting me know I have not failed, but the treatments have. That statement puts it in a whole new perspective. I hope the radiation treatments bring relief as well – 3 weeks of them, so the relief may come later rather than sooner. Thanks again Chris.

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  17. Terry you’re not failing him. You’re not failing anyone. I’m sending you hugs and prayers for some pain free nights. It’s exhausting for you and Gary to have to go through this, but I haven’t given up belief that you will be better.

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  19. Oh Terry 😦 As others have said you are most definitely not a failure and I’m certain Gary would not think this. People fail at all kinds of things, but many are drawn the wrong cards in life and unfortunately you’ve been given a bad deal. I think you’ve handled this with dignity, strong will and honesty. The opposite of failing. You have a strength to be admired. With my relatives, they found great relief with the radiotherapy and I hope it works for you.

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  21. Oh Terry, this is terrible news indeed. I’m so sorry to hear the procedure didn’t work. But there’s no failure on your part. You are fighting every day to improve your quality of life and the time you have with Gary. That fight, that will to find a solution, is not failure … that is enduring courage and hope. Let’s see if the radiation can bring some success xo

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  22. Oh my sweet friend…..if only I could take your pain, if even for just one day and pass it to the next in line…..we would all gladly be there to help….I am so, so, so very sorry that you didn’t get any relief….this is Monday, and I am hoping your radiation went well and it is starting to eradicate your pain….sending you soft hugs, sweet kisses on your cheek and lots and lots of moon beams….xxXXxx

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    • Thank you kat for always having the right words of comfort and support. Radiation treatments will take place for at least 3 weeks, so pain relief may come later than sooner. I always appreciate you stopping by with a wealth of support – it means a great deal to me.

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    • I am realizing that now Kathryn, I felt somehow it is my fault, but you are correct it is the treatments. Radiation is scheduled for at least 3 weeks, so pain relief may come later than sooner. I appreciate you very much – a great friend you are to me.

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  28. So very sorry to hear the procedure did not work. You are failing no one. Our bodies will all fail one day but you are not your body your heart and soul are you. They are beautiful, whole and show who you really are.

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  29. Bless you for sharing this with us. It’s not a post I wanted to click ‘like’ on but I wanted you to know I am here. So sorry the procedure produced no good news. But you, my friend, have failed no one. You share your journey with us every day and we can all say ‘medicine is failing you’ but ‘you are failing no one’. We all walk with you, if not in person then in virtual reality. Sending hugs and spoons.

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  31. Oh Terry, you have not failed! I can feel the crushing pain and sadness in your words! This is NOT what anyone wanted for you! You have been and are valliant in your efforts to cope. Hugs to you and Gary…

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  32. I´m so so sorry, Terry! But it is not you who failed but the doctors and the procedure that have given you some hope for pain relief and didn´t hold to their promise. You are a wonderful and beautiful person with so much love, there simply is no failing possible from you part. Many hugs and sunshine! ❤

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