Last week was difficult. Monday my mom, sister and brother left and once again my current life goes into the routine mode. In last Friday’s post ‘…moving the fluid.‘, I wrote about the current troubles I am experiencing with regards to my lymphedema.
With only having 1 massage treatment, I do not see a difference, but I hope with continued treatments there will be some success in moving the fluid out of my body. Today I will have my 2nd massage treatment and should also receive my compression stockings which I will need to wear on a continual basis during waking hours for the unforeseen future. I continue with my daily exercises for my lymphedema – these exercises also promote fluid movement.
The body pain I experience daily, is not becoming easier to deal with. I will admit, each day is tough not only for me, but Gary as well. Some days my inability to walk without significant pain is just too much for me – those are the days I question how much longer I can live this way.
Tomorrow, I have an appointment with Dr. C. in the Supportive Care Medicine group. Dr. C. manages my pain as well as ensuring my quality of life is the best it can be while I continue immunotherapy treatment and my battle with my cancer. My quality of life at this time is not good and I need his help in making it better.
Most likely my pain medications will be increased again and my already lethargic days will increase in intensity. I do a lot of resting, sleeping and very little activity now. My energy level is basically zero resulting in very little physical activity. I feel with each passing day, I am weathering away. Now, I am unable to walk in an erect position due to tensed muscles in my upper leg/hip region. With the lymphedema in my feet, legs and abdomen; my continued inactivity and lethargic, I have become stiff and basically my muscles are reducing in flexibility. For me, just standing is a huge effort and walking at times wears me out and takes my breath away.
Lately, I am angry and upset my life has come to this. My cancer has taken a once active happy person and turned him into a frail bitter person.
I am honest on my blog, I have always been truthful and honest and I will not lie to you now.
I am struggling daily and the inner strength is becoming dim. Gary, the amazing man he is, is here for me in every capacity and supports me and my decisions.
I wake each morning knowing what the new day will bring and go to sleep each night knowing the struggles I face.
I continue the current treatment in hopes there is some good to come out of what is very bad right now.
Honestly, I feel my days are numbered and with each passing day my death will arrive much sooner than much later.