Daily Struggles

Last week was difficult.  Monday my mom, sister and brother left and once again my current life goes into the routine mode.  In last Friday’s post ‘…moving the fluid.‘, I wrote about the current troubles I am experiencing with regards to my lymphedema.

With only having 1 massage treatment, I do not see a difference, but I hope with continued treatments there will be some success in moving the fluid out of my body.  Image4Today I will have my 2nd massage treatment and should also receive my compression stockings which I will need to wear on a continual basis during waking hours for the unforeseen future.  I continue with my daily exercises for my lymphedema – these exercises also promote fluid movement.

The body pain I experience daily, is not becoming easier to deal with.  I will admit, each day is tough not only for me, but Gary as well.  Some days my inability to walk without significant pain is just too much for me – those are the days I question how much longer I can live this way.

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Image Provided by: moffitt.org

Tomorrow, I have an appointment with Dr. C. in the Supportive Care Medicine group.  Dr. C. manages my pain as well as ensuring my quality of life is the best it can be while I continue immunotherapy treatment and my battle with my cancer.  My quality of life at this time is not good and I need his help in making it better.

Most likely my pain medications will be increased again and my already lethargic days will increase in intensity.  I do a lot of resting, sleeping and very little activity now.  My energy level is basically zero resulting in very little physical activity.  I feel with each passing day, I am weathering away.  Now, I am unable to walk in an erect position due to tensed muscles in my upper leg/hip region.  With the lymphedema in my feet, legs and abdomen; my continued inactivity and lethargic, I have become stiff and basically my muscles are reducing in flexibility.  For me, just standing is a huge effort and walking at times wears me out and takes my breath away.

Lately, I am angry and upset my life has come to this.  My cancer has taken a once active happy person and turned him into a frail bitter person.

I am honest on my blog, I have always been truthful and honest and I will not lie to you now.

I am struggling daily and the inner strength is becoming dim.  Gary, the amazing man he is, is here for me in every capacity and supports me and my decisions.

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I wake each morning knowing what the new day will bring and go to sleep each night knowing the struggles I face.

I continue the current treatment in hopes there is some good to come out of what is very bad right now.

Honestly, I feel my days are numbered and with each passing day my death will arrive much sooner than much later.

81 thoughts on “Daily Struggles

  1. Dear Terry, I am on the other side of North America and North but my heart reaches out to you. You have been generous with your honesty and when I was withered down and weak and tired I remember I had little left to fight. My situation improved but yours is spiraling down, but we and especially Gary all want you here as long as possible. Right now I have lost the ability to travel as my health is precarious but I have wished I could have met you and Gary in person. In your journey you touched my life and many more. I am appreciative of the strength you have shown. Hugs

    Liked by 5 people

    • Thank you David for the very heartfelt comment. For me to have touched people’s lives for the good warms my heart and soul. I wanted to travel and meet the wonderful people on WP, but that does not look possible now. I hope your health improves my friend. Thank you again, and hugs to you as well.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Cancer is a horrendous disease and you are going through the worst of it. I am glad that you have seen your family and that you have Gary with you every step of this painful journey you are making. Sending hugs with wishes and prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Dear Terry, just hang in there as much as you can – but you are doing it all the time already, with Gary’s help!
    Sending prayers and blessings your way,
    Dolly
    P.S. Compression stockings should be more effective then massage – you’ll see!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh my friend, this is not how it is supposed to be. My heart aches for you, and for what you and Gary are going through. None of this is fair. I am truly so sorry. Just know you are both in my thoughts and prayers always.
    I hope today’s appointment goes well and that you find that the compression stockings help. Thinking of you. Love and hugs x

    Liked by 1 person

  5. When you wake each day from a painful night knowing you are in for a painful day with no light even dimly flickering to call you on and knowing that the love of your life is giving his all to seemingly no avail I can only imagine and believe that it is impossible to harbour even the teeniest glimmer of hope. Indeed your hopes inevitably rest on turning the light out and just ending. I can’t alleviate those feelings, I can’t do anything but stand by open mouthed and horrified that you are suffering so much. And I can continue to hope that in the name of all that is compassion you get some respite from this endless gnawing pain. And hugs and rainbows and sunshine and starlight and moonbeams. I can always send you those. Both of you and your pretty pup. And I do.

    Liked by 7 people

  6. Sending much love and hugs and strength at this difficult time.
    Really hope you have a positive appointment tomorrow to try and alleviate some of the pain you are having to deal with.
    Hugs to you both xx

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m so sorry to hear that your struggles aren’t getting any better. One day at a time. Please don’t give up because as long as you’re still here and fighting, there’s still a chance……………..it’s not over til it’s over. I know you are in pain and it’s hard to have a positive attitude when you feel you know what your reality is. I understand. You seem to keep moving through all of this, though. You’re a true inspiration to me and many other’s, I’m sure. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I wish nothing, but the best for you. Take care. Peace out. XXXXX

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I am torn between wishing that your pain would stop and not having you in my life anymore. You are so brave through this battle and the cancer so cruel. Sharing your experience with us all, makes us love you as though you are our brother, lover, father or deepest friend. I still believe in miracles and I think about you so often. Sending love to you and Gary and Roxie (who I am sure is such a comfort to you). I talk about you to Teddy and my friends as though I meet you for coffee every week. Much love K xx

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Oh Terry! I so want to hug you and give you peace and comfort! It is so not fair what you are going through, but life is not fair – is it? The one good thing you should remember every moment of every day is what a huge impact you have had on so many of us who have never met you in person, who have never had the privilege to give you a “real” hug, who love you so deeply without ever meeting you face to face. You have given so much to the world through your love and honesty and goodness and kindness. Seek comfort and peace. I hate to think of the day you will not be here. I hate it with a passion! But I wish you peace. And I don’t want to be selfish……. And who knows what will be. But please remember with each breath what a difference you have made with your life to so many. Feel the love my sweet, dear Terry! Feel the hugs. Feel the deep compassion and caring. Know your life is and will always be thought of as one that made an impact. You have a purpose and you have fulfilled it to overflowing! Be kind to yourself. Be good to yourself. Love yourself. Know you are worth it and you did good stuff!!!! Feel peace sweet Terry. I love you! Not ashamed or afraid to say it. I LOVE YOU! Feel the love buddy! Hang on to the love! ❤ I'm crying – tears of sadness for your pain and grief – and tears of gratitude -for the privilege of knowing you. May your dreams be sweet! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Sending you and Gary many hugs as always Terry. I am so sorry you have to go through all this. I hope that your doctors find a way to continue to ease the pain. I cannot imagine how hard it is for you but we are with you even though many of us who comment on here don’t know you personally. We are all with you though. Thinking of you always x

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Sending you and Gary many hugs as always Terry. I am so sorry you have to go through all this. I hope that your doctors find a way to continue to ease the pain. I cannot imagine how hard it is for you but we are with you even though many of us who comment on here don’t know you personally. Thinking of you always x

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I hope the doctor can guide and support you through this time Terry. May you find some relief and some joy in the little things that live on … like the love that is around you and has been given to you. Beyond the pain and the fear is always love ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Dear Terry, sometimes things just need to be said. And I have some things to say. I think of you often. Every late afternoon and evening when I sit outside, I look to the sky. I don’t just glance; I really look. I stop to be grateful of the wonder that is there- majestic trees, “cloud shows” in the evening, birds, an occasional rainbow or a deer. I am blessed. I have you to thank for that. You have made me stop and see. Your strength and positive attitude is a role model. ‘Stay strong, and stay long’. That’s my Terry motto. Why is it that so many friends, family, and acquaintances who have passed on did not leave me with such a strong gratitude of what I have, right in front of me? Do blogging friends have a different effect, or does daily reading have a different effect? I can’t answer that question. I think that is in the hands of higher above. What I do know is that you have made me a better person with my eyes and heart. I want to say “Thank You”, and let you know that you have made a difference. I am so grateful. Years from now, please visit me as a cardinal. They are the most special of birds. With a full and grateful heart, a hundred thank-yous. -Jennie-

    Liked by 3 people

    • Jennie, I am honored if someway I have made an impact on your life. I see myself just writing words from my feelings and emotions. I do believe things happen for a reason and what I am going through and my privilege to share with others happens for a reason. Thank you for your loving support – it is important to me during this difficult time. Hope you have a wonderful day. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • No, thank YOU, Terry. I am one of many who have been impacted by you. People need to say thank you and tell others how they feel. Life is fleeting, and like you, I believe things happen for a reason. Keep writing, and many of us will keep reading and reaping what you sow. You are planting seeds of hope and goodness.

        Liked by 2 people

  14. My dear friend….Having worked in the medical field…I understand your where your at….I can not begin to understand the pain, but I do know that your willingness/need/want/desire (there are so many words that fit in to this sentence) to continue to fight for life is being outweighed by the want to be out of pain, be free of the constant battle that has raged your body…Terry I want you to know that you have taught me to have strength I never thought I did, never give up, keep smiling no matter, keep the positive attitude no matter what your up against…..your one of the most wonderful men I have come across in along time, you and Gary are very, very special – I have no doubt that one day we will meet….I will be the one riding the moon beams, you wont be able to miss me when you see me…LOL..my friend….nothing but hot tears….my heart aches for you and Gary….just sit back and watch the day go by and now how many of us out here in WordPress care and are with you….not a day goes by your not in my thoughts, even if you can’t feel them, I am sending you love, soft hugs, gentle kisses on the cheek, energy and good thoughts throughout the day….I will forever twirl in the moon light for you my friend…forever and ever……XXXXOOOOkathy

    Liked by 2 people

    • Wonderful words from a wonderful friend. I am thankful for what ever reason, I decided to start a blog on WP. Beautiful friends as yourself I have met and just at the right time in my life. I am honored I have brought something to your life and grateful you have brought something to mine. Thank you Kathy for the moonlight twirling and support. You are special, and I appreciate you. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  15. You are very strong to be able to share all these here and also inspires me to continue on living despite whatever negative things my mind tries to make up for me. One way that helped me through any mental and emotional challenges is meditation. I’m not an expert but there are many resources online that teaches about meditation. It has helped me tremendously and I hope it may somehow help you too. Wishing you more love and keep going! Your courage inspires. ♥

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I´m so sorry that your daily struggles against all those pains continue, Terry. I hope your doc could help you with adjusting your medication so you feel less of it. It´s horrible to have to decide between having less pain and being more drowsy. Of course, it isn´t really a decision, pain overrides everything and one simply has to act against it, I just wish there was something that would take the pain away and let you be awake and more energetic at the same time so you could at least have something to be happy about, like going for a walk. It´s time they develop some medicine that can do exactly that, I think. When I see what you´re going through I get so angry. I think of you and Gary everyday, talk about you with friends who don´t blog. Today I´ve been blogging for two years now, and you were one of the very first friends I made here on WP. I´ve been laughing and dancing with you via your lovely videos, smiling whenever I got a comment from you. Lately you´ve taught me to be strong, give everything I have for myself and the ones I love, to never give up. I feel I´ve learned a lot because of you and I want to thank you for this, my friend.
    Much love and gentle hugs! 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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