For the most part my posts have outwardly been somewhat upbeat and positive. As you have seen from my videos and my detailed descriptions of where I am currently residing, I am trying to keep as active as I can and continue to look for as many opportunities for social events that I can find to keep up my spirits.
However, internally I am still hurting a lot about the loss of Terry and I do feel a great sense of emptiness in my life. I am also inwardly extremely bitter about what happened to Terry and all the discomfort that he had to contend with this past 1 1/2 years as he and I fought to try to overcome his terrible disease without success. I do have the comfort to know that I did all I that I could to get him the best of care and to keep him comfortable 24/7 throughout his illness, but I feel that he was cheated of life at such a prime time when there was still so much more that we were looking forward to doing together. I know life and death happens in so many different ways and we really can’t fully control our destiny and I still try to look at his death as just one more step in our eternal life and we will all be confronted with death at some point, however…..Terry’s medical issues just seemed to creep up so quickly and in a such dramatic fashion, that it still doesn’t seem possible that all this really happened. I always had the comfort, until naturally Terry got very sick that we would grow old together and life would be peaceful and we would be content and would be able to live out our lives to the fullest. Now all this has so dramatically changed for me. Once again, I am single and having to attempt to live life to the fullest once again on my own and quite frankly I am not so sure that I can do this so easily. As you know, it is very tough to suddenly have to seek out and make new friends when you haven’t been on your own for so long. From my blog writings and videos to date…you probably will be surprise when I admit that I truly not that out-going and more of an introvert and really find it very hard to just go out there on my own to various events and activities and easily make new friends. I think that the older you become, you become more set in your ways and it just is harder to do.
Also, I hate to say…..I also have a deep sense of hurt in that there were so many people in both Terry’s and my life that even after I made a concerted effort to get the word out to everyone we knew about Terry’s death, so few actually took the time to reach back out to show their genuine love and concern. I truly got more love and support from you all during Terry’s illness and then immediately after his death, than I did from so many others that we have known throughout the years. As one example, I think back to the last place that we lived in Dallas and our little cul-de-sac of 10 homes. Terry and I were always there to help out all our neighbors and to show out thoughtfulness to them, however to this date, other than a brief visit to Tampa by our former next door neighbors when they were in the area on vacation and from one other neighbor there who also genuinely cared…. none of the others there to date have taken the time to reach out me (even via email or text) to offer their love and support after Terry’s death. I also reached out to a bunch of Terry’s old friends and former work associates to let them know what was going on with him, but after that initial attempt to make them aware of Terry’s grave illness none of them have ever followed through with any words of encouragement or to check in to see how things were going with Terry as he struggled with his illness. The there was our former couples group in Dallas that was affiliated with a church that were used to attend. I can only count on one hand, on those who took the time to reach out to us. I cannot say in enough words that truly, it was you all that kept Terry and I going through all this and who were there to the very end and who continue to offer me the love and support that I still so tremendously need and truly will need for a long time.
I know that Terry did not want any service and just simply wanted to be cremated and his ashes simply sent back in a basic cardboard box to him Mom and I respected his wishes and did exactly as e instructed. However, although Terry never asked for this but in essence when I decided to take over his blog, Terry’s eulogy and his funeral was done virtually on line with you all which in my heart I now realize were his true friends.
So I will end this Debbie Downer blog here and just say once again thank you to you all for your great support and love. I really appreciate you all for really caring.
I promise that my blogs for the rest of the week will be dramatically much more upbeat and fun. I did a lot recently and have some great upcoming photos to share that just may surprise you !