A Debbie Downer Post

Hey All,

For the most part my posts have outwardly been somewhat upbeat and positive.  As you have seen from my videos and my detailed descriptions of where I am currently residing, I am trying to keep as active as I can and continue to look for as many opportunities for social events that I can find to keep up my spirits.

However, internally I am still hurting a lot about the loss of Terry and I do feel a great sense of  emptiness in my life.  I am also inwardly extremely bitter about what happened to Terry and all the discomfort that he had to contend with this past 1 1/2 years as he and I fought to try to overcome his terrible disease without success.  I do have the comfort to know that I did all I that I could to get him the best of care and to keep him comfortable  24/7 throughout his illness, but I feel that he was cheated of life at such a prime time when there was still so much more that we were looking forward to doing together.  I know life and death happens in so many different ways and we really can’t fully control our destiny and I still try to look at his death as just one more step in our eternal life and we will all be confronted with death at some point, however…..Terry’s medical issues just seemed to creep up so quickly and in a such dramatic fashion, that it still doesn’t seem possible that all this really happened.  I always had the comfort, until naturally Terry got very sick that we would grow old together and life would be peaceful and we would be content and would be able to live out our lives to the fullest.  Now all this has so dramatically changed for me. Once again, I am single and having to attempt to live life to the fullest once again on my own and quite frankly I am not so sure that I can do this so easily.  As you know, it is very tough to suddenly have to seek out and make new friends when you haven’t been on your own for so long. From my blog writings and videos to date…you probably will be surprise when I admit that I truly not that out-going and more of an introvert and really find it very hard to just go out there on my own to various events and activities and easily make new friends.  I think that the older you become, you become more set in your ways and it just is harder to do.

Also, I hate to say…..I also have a deep sense of hurt in that there were so many people in both Terry’s and my life that even after I made a concerted effort to get the word out to everyone we knew about Terry’s death, so few actually took the time to reach back out to show their genuine love and concern.  I truly got more love and support from you all during Terry’s illness and then immediately after his death, than I did from so many others that we have known throughout the years. As one example, I think back to the last place that we lived in Dallas and our little cul-de-sac of 10 homes.  Terry and I were always there to help out all our neighbors and to show out thoughtfulness to them, however to this date, other than a brief visit to Tampa by our former next door neighbors when they were in the area on vacation and from one other neighbor there who also genuinely cared….  none of the others there to date have taken the time to reach out me (even via email or text) to offer their love and support after Terry’s death.  I also reached out to a bunch of Terry’s old friends and former work associates to let them know what was going on with him, but after that initial attempt to make them aware of Terry’s grave illness none of them have ever followed through with any words of encouragement or to check in to see how things were going with Terry as he struggled with his illness.  The there was our former couples group in Dallas that was affiliated with a church that were used to attend.  I can only count on one hand, on those who took the time to reach out to us.  I cannot say in enough words that truly, it was you all that kept Terry and I going through all this and who were there to the very end and who continue to offer me the love and support that I still so tremendously need and truly will need for a long time.

I know that Terry did not want any service and just simply wanted to be cremated and his ashes simply sent back in a basic cardboard box to him Mom and I respected his wishes and did exactly as e instructed.  However, although Terry never asked for this but in essence when I decided to take over his blog, Terry’s eulogy and his funeral was done virtually on line with you all which in my heart I now realize were his true friends.

So I will end this Debbie Downer  blog here and just say once again thank you to you all for your great support and love.  I really appreciate you all for really caring.

I promise that my blogs for the rest of the week will be dramatically much more upbeat and fun. I did a lot recently and have some great upcoming photos to share that just may surprise you !

Luv Gary

 

 

 

 

79 thoughts on “A Debbie Downer Post

  1. You do not have to be upbeat for us. I am glad to know how you are truly feeling. It shows how much you loved and cared for Terry. I have no idea why bloggers are such incredibly nice and supportive people, but they are and they make me so happy to be part of their community. Sadly, it is quite common for people to avoid people when they are sick and dying. That old adage, “You find out who your true friends are when you are sick or in trouble,” is very true. Hugs to you and so sorry you are going through this hard time~

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m sending my good thoughts, hugs, and energy to you Gary. Sometimes, you DO need to let loose, release those feelings!! I think it helps 🙂 And, I don’t know really why, people – all over – are so time poor. Our culture, creates poverty whether one is wealthy or not. No one…. “has the time.” thats all I got. More…. good thoughts and vibes going YOUR way now, Debi (just not, downer debi! LOL)

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  3. I will echo what Cindy and Alexis have said. It is difficult for many to reach out in real life. You don’t have to make apologies for anything you are feeling but thank you so much for sharing. Sending much love to you!

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  4. This is not a Debbie Downer post, it’s just you sharing your feelings of hurt, which are totally justified it seems! I look forward to your photos, you know they say pictures speak a thousand words so that might get you off the hook for writing much with them, right? 😀 You take care Gary. xo

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  5. Share whatever helps, Gary. It is honest, and we all ache for you and with you. I miss Terry. He was the inspiration for my post, “The Hour Passed”, last week. Even from hospice, he came on my blog and left a few “likes”. I cried when I saw that. I miss seeing his face and everything about him. ❤

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    • Tanya, Thanks for reaching out and for your support. Also, I for some reason am having difficulties trying to get on to other peoples blogsites. I know there probably is a way to do this and I am a bit confused because Terry had set up so many emails for the way he tracked things, but I prefer the post notifications from others to just come thru my old email. I will eventually figure all this out and be able to do a better job reading other people’s posts. If you know how to easily do this feel free to chime in. Thanks Gary

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  6. Oh dear Gary – I responded in another message to you before reading this, but I want to reiterate it. You do not have to be upbeat. You do not have to give up grieving. You also are allowed to be upbeat and have fun. You will have good and bad days. The first whole year is one of firsts without Terry for this or that. You will remember what last year was like at this time with Terry or 3 years ago at this time. You will remember the Christmas light shows at Christmas. You will remember peanut butter cups at Halloween. You are allowed to feel cheated. You are allowed to feel blessed. You are allowed to feel loss. You are allowed to feel freed. They are all NORMAL emotions and part of grieving. Do not allow anyone to judge or steal this from you. I’m glad you have friends here who care and support you. We all loved Terry so much – and through him – we have grown to love you. For if Terry loved you, you must be pretty wonderful! Do not worry about being upbeat for us. But it is ok too if you are. We will simply love you!!!! Hugs xoxo

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  7. Oh Gary, there was nothing about this that was a Debbie Downer. I don’t know how you could not be struggling and continue to struggle. I don’t know why it is, but it seems when bad things happen is when you find out who your true friends are. Now that is not to say that many people don’t know what to say and many are afraid of death and dying and suffering. But what value do we have as humans to one another if we can’t walk through the tough times as well as the good times. This was an honest post, and we don’t expect anything less from you. I do understand that grieving is not all of your life, but I do know that it must be a huge part of it right now. And you can be wherever you are at any moment here. Grieving is not a sprint in life. My heart goes out to you Gary. I think maybe even many of us here, me included, probably assume wrongfully that possibly too many people may be reaching out to you. And for that I am sorry! I appreciate your honesty and being open about your true feelings. Hugs!

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    • Thanks so much Blue. I really appreciate your comments, they really help. I just needed to vent a bit yesterday, because even through I am trying to occupy my thoughts with other events and activities, the hurts naturally (as you know from what you are going through) is so hard to get out of your mind. Luv Gary

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  8. WordPress is the best support group you’ll ever find, in my opinion. I’ve gotten through a couple of deaths in my family with the help of my friends here. I found Terry shortly after my brother died from cancer, then 10 months later my mother died. The support here is amazing, so you go ahead and say what you want to say. We don’t judge, we’re just here for you.

    Also, I’m terribly sorry you’re feeling lost. It will be awhile yet, but I hope you find your new path one day soon. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Dear Gary, you need to work through your grief and keep expressing your thoughts and feelings to those who care for as long as you need it. We, all of us, who loved Terry, deeply and sincerely care about you. Please do not feel that you have to be in any special “upbeat” mode for us!
    We are with you, always,
    Dolly

    Liked by 1 person

  10. You need to grief too Gary and don’t feel bad about that. It is so natural. You will get both good and less good memories in the future, but you can choose to remember the good times and not focus at all the bad all the time. Terry loved you, which much be the most important. Not all people get to know love in their lifetime.

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    • Irene, I know I will eventually put what happened into better perspective and find a way to carry on. I tired to jump right into this new life, by moving to another location and trying to get involved in a bunch of things to try to make new friends and to take my mind off of the sad thoughts which keep creeping back. Thanks so much for your kind thoughts and support. Gary

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Hi Gary, the most important thing right now is how you feel, not how you think we think you should feel, upbeat times will come, and everyone understands that, when you express yourself in this way, like today, you are doing a tremendous thing for you, you need to express how you feel, and as everyone here loved Terry in their own way, we feel for you, and are always here to listen to your inner thoughts and your new adventures, take care ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Hi Gary, very sorry to hear how alone you have been feeling, but there are many of us here for you. Feel free to be open and honest with your followers. We have been around long enough to care for you and to understand your enormous loss x

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  13. To be honest, Gary, I’m glad you weote this post because I was expecting that at somempoint you would implode if you didn’t express your loss. You were soldiering on with a brave smile, and it was obvious you aren’t as comfort with the socialising and blogging as Terry was, but it’s been a good platform for you to continue to connect with Terry’s audience but also for us to continue to connect with the two of you who had become like family, as Terry was so open about everything and everyone in his life. It is good for you to express these feelings rather than try to contain them, we don’t want you to become ill and unexpressed anger and hurt can do just that. You need to be fentle on yourself and take what time you need to adjust to your new situation. You have also had to move home a couple of times which is another area of stress for you. We are all here, wishing you well, ready to offer a shoulder and a hug when needed. 💜

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    • Thanks so much for your kind comments and continued support. It really helps to be open and honest about the way I feel and I know that a lot of what I continue to go thru is part of the grieving process and there will be many ups and downs along the way. I will try to balance all this in my continued posts. Again thanks for your love and support,

      Liked by 1 person

  14. I have been following Terry’s blog for a long while and have witnessed him went through his ordeal….and i know something was wrong when i havent seen him posting…then one day i saw Osyth’s post about him..it honestly broke my heart…as you know by now wordpress is really a beautiful community of bloggers…and for that we felt like we are each others extended family..

    Keep goin Gary…

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  15. No way is this a Downer, Gary. You have expressed from the heart what you must be feeling. You are very human. For what it is worth, when my first wife died when I was 22 I went straight back to work, which I thought was best. Then it hit me.

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  16. Oh Gary, I am so sorry that you are feeling so down, but it is okay, and it is really understandable. What you and Terry shared was so special and it has to be lonely now. This is now a new chapter in your life and it cannot be easy, but just know that all of us will be there with you every step of the way, no matter how you are feeling.
    I think in times like this, when one goes through something as you have, this is when you realise who your true friends are…it is sad. People are all just so different.
    Gary, I know it is easier said than done, but try just take each day as it comes. Do what you want, if you don’t want to go out and socialize, don’t. There are no rules. Grieve. Rome was not built in a day. Give Roxy a big love and a hug from me, I am sure she too, is feeling the loss. Hugs and love. x

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  17. My dear Gary. You are normal, you are human and this is not a Debbie Downer, it is an expression of how you are feeling and which you have more than every right to feel. Terry’s illness and decline where cruel and dreadful to witness in a virtual sense. You were his chosen partner, he yours, you had plans and dreams and expectations – nothing fancy just travelling around for a while and then settling and enjoying your retirement and drift into old age. That was viciously ripped apart by his dreadful cancer and you were there with him every moment making sure that he got the best and that he was as comfortable as possible. He has gone. To a place with no pain but you are left with the legacy and the grief. Grieving takes time. Much time. The first year is very hard and it is essential that you are able to express how you are feeling – good, ,bad, ugly, sentimental, sad, happy – all of it. And we are here. Because we did all love Terry and we do all love you. I know how it feels to find it difficult to make new friends. Lean on your old friends – we may not be with you in Florida but we are right here in cyberspace and I hold you dear in my heart, my friend. With love Osyth. ❤️ 🌹 🌈

    Liked by 1 person

    • Osyth, Thanks for all your love and encouragement. It comforts me to know that you are all out there with me as I continue to struggle with the past, present and what the future holds for me in my new life. I will get thru all this eventually. Just needed to get it out and as you said, it is part of the grieving process and probably pretty normal to have the ups and downs. I will just not belabor on all the negative stuff and will keep trying to move forward. Luv always, Gary

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  18. Hi Gary, like so many said so well here, do not apologize for your feelings, they are raw and honest and certainly expected. Grief is such a personal process, it is important to allow these feelings, and also, to understand that sharing them is a great way to work it all out. This is such a supportive community, I’m not at all surprised that you and Terry took comfort here. Feel free to share openly, we can handle the ups and downs. We’ve all been there. Hugs to you.

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  19. I think I can’t say it better than others have here – you’re grieving, and it’s not easy or pleasant or pretty, but it is life.

    Reading this, I was actually reminded of Terry – he always shared his life with us, brutally honest and difficult though it sometimes was. But that’s not the real reason it reminded me of him. It reminded me of him because, despite the difficulties expressed, that hope and optimism still shine through.

    As always, you are in our thoughts and prayers here.

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  20. Gary, Please do not apologize to any of us hear on WordPress for openly and honestly expressing your feelings, your loss and your loneliness about having to live without Terry! I think you are so right in feeling the love and care of the WordPress community and Terry’s followers here – This was His Tribe and it is Your Tribe too! That’s family!!

    I cannot say anything better or different than has been expressed above by other commentors for I missed out on knowing Terry personally and now I only have you to write to me and others, now and in the future, and tell us everything there is to know about Terry that you and he would like us to know.

    I only found out about Terry today via Tanya Cliff’s post “The Hour Passed” and clicked on the link to Terry’s about page. All I can tell you, My Friend is that you have been a fortunate and blessed soul to have shared a part of your life with Terry; and I say this because I felt the words from that page resonating in my heart from his soul as he explained it all.

    I would dearly love to stay in touch with you if you have such a desire through the process that you are being forced to deal with after losing Terry! I remember what a Godsend it was for me to have that one someone that would sit with me over and over and day after day and just listen.

    “When you can’t look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark”

    I am hoping to get to know Terry through his writings and through the writings I am hoping you will create that tells us about the things we missed. If you have an interest in writing poetry (very therapeutic for me) check out the reviews on Amazon for “Poemcrazy”. I think you may learn to love expressing yourself in that format.

    I have written a tribute for Terry and I hope you will like it! Please come and visit my blog as I think you may find a few things that may be helpful in dealing with loss.

    I am posting this tonight on my site – TheReluctantPoetWeb.Wordpress.com
    “I’M SORRY I MISSED YOU”

    I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!!
    Chuck Lindholm
    The Reluctant Poet
    chucklindholm@hotmail.com

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chuck, Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a beautiful tribute to Terry on your blogsite. That was so thoughtful of you. I am going to send to you at your Hotmail site a poem that I wrote about Terry several weeks ago. It goes along with a former post I wrote on Terry’s blogsite in September called the Gift. I hope you enjoy it. Gary

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you, My Friend! So appreciated!!!
        I am sure you have heard Terry’s words speaking to your soul and that’s what they did to me after reading his about statement and never having the privilege of knowing Terry personally. Now I am forced to know him from his words and remembrances of those who loved him – like you!

        This was more the universe speaking through me than me being creative. I do feel a loss at not being able to have personal memories like you and the followers that were blessed with that gift!

        Chuck

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  21. Gary, I don’t feel that you are a Debbie Downer at all. I think you’re just stating the (sad) facts. How unfortunate that others who were a part of your and Terry’s lives have been so inconsiderate and unkind. Yes, it hurts! You’re doing a good thing to ‘get out there’ and make new friends. I have to believe that most people really are good at heart. Certainly Terri was, and you are. Thank you for sharing this with your blogging family. Best to you, Gary.

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  22. Gary, you don’t have to be upbeat with us—not here. We support you in the same way we supported Terry. We’re just thankful you are not battling illness.

    You have ever reason to feel bitter about many aspects of the last 18 months. So ‘let it all hang out’ here and we’ll cover your back. Sending hugs today from Mongolia.

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  23. Gary, I’m not that emotional but you’ve brought me to tears. I don’t care who people sleep with,,,but it’s so clear to see the relationship you lost via blog post, and I didn’t know either of u from atom. The quality of a person is judged by their friends,,,and I’ve read Kerry’s comments in previous posts and others. I’m very glad to follow this blog and hope u keep writing

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  24. First: I’m sending you many huge, warm hugs, Gary! Second: You don’t have to be upbeat for any of us – we understand and like with Terry it will help you much more to share your grieve and sadness. And I’m so sorry to hear that many people let you down and didn’t take the time to get in touch with you after Terry passed away. Most people are so self-centered it’s scary. But I am glad that you’re finding comfort from your blogging friends just like Terry did. 😄 It’s sounds strange to non-blogging people but we bloggers know that the friendships build here are sometimes the better ones. Here we meet people who care, who take the time to get to know you and who share their feelings and believes. Keep sharing, especially when you feel sad, we all will do what we can to lighten your burden! More hugs! 😄 Sarah

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  25. Please, please never apologise for your feelings to us. I’m incredibly sad that other friends made so little effort to visit and comfort Terry. Nothing we can do will take away that hurt, but always know that in caring so much about Terry, we’ve all come to care deeply about you too. We’ve adopted you buddy and there’s not much you can do about it. 🙂

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    • I like being adopted by you all and glad that Terry set the ground work for me to do this via his established site. I could of never figured this out or would I ever have thought to do this from scratch. It has really been helpful for me

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  26. Gary, never apologize to any of us…you have every right to feel the loss of your beloved…I miss Terry more than you know and I never got to dance in the moonlight with him….I can only imagine the sorrow you have in your heart…I learned many years ago that most people are scared of change and death, they seem to know how to be great friends when everything is on an even keel, but change that and they run like scared rabbits. We are all here for you, this is one of the best communities I have ever been a part of ! Be sad when your sad, its okay, infact you know its healthy to grieve your loss, but please know I believe that Terry is there with you, making sure your okay….never, never not share your feelings, its a great outlet and will bring you relief in the end. Hope this finds you day sunny and happy for you….lots of XXXXXXXXXs Kat

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  27. Hi Gary, I wanted to say how touched I was when I read this post of yours. You are one honest man and I truly admire that as I always admired Terry for the same reason. No wonder you were such great partners. Your genuine nature really transmitted through this blog and I’m so glad that you continued writing here and keeping us up to date with your life and thoughts. It’s truly OK to write when you feel sad. We’re here to listen and support you. I just wish I could come visit you but I live so far away. Believe me, if I could I would. And I will someday. I have family who live in Florida so it’s not impossible!
    I’m glad to read that you’re making new friends in your community. It’s tough I know to make new friends. I’m an introvert too and find it so uncomfortable to talk to people. But you’re strong and I know you will be OK. I think about you often. I’m sorry I didn’t read this sooner. I am taking a kind of short sabbatical from technology right now because I needed a break but am still online once in a while. Take care of yourself xx

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