the option to kill myself

Past weeks, months; I have written about my pain – the seeming never ending pain.

Is the pain because the cancer that is invading my Lymph Nodes are pressing against nerves?

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Is the pain because of the position I was in during a lengthy 10 ½ surgery placed too much pressure on specific nerves?

These questions are possible reasons and there can be others as well.

I am in pain every minute of every day and at times the pain is so severe, I want to die.

Those times of severe pain the thought of suicide crosses my mind – I want to do it – I want to kill myself.

February of last year, I wrote a post ‘suicide – it sounds peaceful, it sounds calm‘, in which I wrote the following words –

It sounds peaceful, it sounds calm, it sounds internal; it sounds like something that’s good to me, something that I want.  But as long as I am still here I am not going to commit suicide – I will not do it.  And though my mind tells me it is an option, there is that conscience part of me that says no, it is not an option.  And I struggle with this still; but it will not ever happen and I will keep fighting the good fight and I will keep continuing to move forward.

October of 2015, I wrote a post ‘I am not afraid to die‘, in which I wrote the following words –

I will be totally honest with you my readers – today the thought of killing me still occasionally crosses my mind and there are times I wish I were dead.   But the act of me intentionally killing me will not take place.  No matter the struggles I still have in my life; I understand the taking of my own life is not the way for me to deal with these struggles.  I believe all of us are on this earth for a reason, and no matter the struggles we encounter; we all have strength within ourselves to overcome, to move forward and to survive.  Sometimes that strength can be buried under all the burdens of despair and anguish and finding it can be difficult.

Back to today –

I attempted suicide in my 20s; about 30 years ago, and this act has and still is a constant thought on my mind.

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In one of my many posts here on my blog, I wrote about a memory I have when I was a very young child.  I was likely anywhere from 10 to 12 years old.  I remember wanting to die and walking into the kitchen and reaching for a knife.  I remember wanting to stab myself with that knife and killing myself; ending it all.

I am in my 50s now and those thoughts of killing myself and ending it all continue to be strong today.  Especially now, with times of pain so great the tears from my eyes can fill buckets and those thoughts of killing myself are so very strong.

And I have pills; lots of pills that can help with that – but still today I fight that urge – I remind myself; killing me, this is not an option.

listening to my 70’s

The MacDill Air Force Base has an excellent gym that includes 2 outdoor tracks.  When I am feeling up to it and my body allows, I make a trip to the gym to walk the track.  My usual length to walk is 1 ½ miles.  And if my back allows, I will sometimes push it to 2 miles.  Even though I am walking around a track and seeing the same views, I do enjoy the outside.  With the warmth of the sunshine and the breeze of the wind, I feel good.  What makes the walking even better is listening to my music.  The earplugs are in and you know I am listening to my 70’s music.

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The beats of the music back in that decade took me through puberty, from a 10-year-old kid to a 20-year-old young man. That decade many things were taking place good and bad; but the music helped me get through it all.

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Thank you to artist such as Blonde, John Denver, The Bee Gees, Elton John, ABBA, Queen, Donna Summer, Roberta Flack, The Jackson 5, Diana Ross, Olivia Newton-John and so many, many more.

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Those artists I still listen to today and are they are still here for me today, helping me to keep moving; lifting my spirits and taking me to a different time when life seemed so effortless and easy, fun, crazy with no worries.

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This current decade many things have taken place good and bad: and this music continued to help me get through it all.

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So, there I am walking my 1 ½ miles and sometimes pushing 2 miles, listening and being taken away for a little while to another time.

my new normal life

A couple of weeks ago in my post ‘I had a bad day‘, I concluded with the following excerpts –

I was not having a happy day

This past Sunday, I had a bad day

In today’s post, I write the following –

July of last year in my post ‘Good‘, I wrote the following words –

I honestly feel many people don’t want to hear how others truly feel. 

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I think out of courtesy to others we ask; especially those that are dealing with a physical illness.  If I were to respond to the question differently and say “I feel very bad today, my body hurts and my bladder is burning and I am very tired.”, what would the response be?  I do not really know.  I doubt I would receive the same response as I do when responding with ‘I am good!”

Back when I wrote that post and up until recently, while in public I would pretend to be healthy, pretend to be happy, pretend to have fun and pretend to be normal.

Those days, they have changed.

I walk slower and usually am bent over – the lower back is always in pain and walking at times is difficult.

Yes, I have been out a little bit to explore the new surroundings in our new location.  I take pain medication with me ‘just in case’.

While exploring these new surroundings, I see the other people, the crowds of people who are normal, having fun and seeming healthy and happy.

I have a sense of bitterness, a sense of hatred because these people are normal and living a normal life.  These people are having fun and doing things, going about their lives and enjoying their day, each day.

After my exploring of new surroundings in our new location, after walking slower and usually bent over because the lower back is always in pain, I return home.  The event of the day, just the walking results in more pain, more pain medication, a bad mood and bitterness.

I don’t enjoy my days, there are very few days I enjoy – I am bitter.

This has become my new normal life.

(I wrote this post a couple of weeks ago, and to a certain point continue to have these feelings.  These feelings are negative and serve no good purpose.  My pain has increased and I am being tested.  I end this post with the following quote.)

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their importance to me

More than one year, a little less than two years my body decided to become sick with cancer.  Well, it mostly likely was sick with cancer before that particular day.  That particular day was in September of 2015, that’s when my body decided to let me know.  Since then, I have seen many doctors, nurses, and other healthcare providers.

Since then, that day in September of 2015, I have had 2 minor surgeries and 1 major surgery.  Since then, I have received 12 weeks of chemotherapy and now am going through another round of chemotherapy.  Since then, I have had a nephrostomy tube and a ureteral stent and I continue to have a PowerPort inserted into my chest.  Since then, I no longer have a bladder or prostate and other male reproductive organs.  Since then, I have lost 30 pounds.

I am unable to provide you with the count of how many needles have been inserted into my body for blood tests, or the number of IVs I have had or the number of days spent in the hospital.  I am unable to provide you the names and countless numbers of prescription drugs I have taken.

During my Chemotherapy last year, I thanked the nurses for assisting me and for being kind and compassionate.

During my stay in the hospital after surgery this past January, 20170116_195426I thanked the nurses for assisting me and for being kind, compassionate and for helping me during a difficult time.  These nurses were the best and made my hospital stay pleasant considering why I was there.

I also have thanked other healthcare providers and doctors.

I go out of my way to thank doctors who I feel truly care about me and my health and want me to be healthier.

I think sometimes being in healthcare can be a thankless job.  I have learned these people; nurses, doctors and other healthcare providers, many of them truly want to help, truly care and truly want us healthier.

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But when we are not at our healthiest, they are always there for us.  This has been my experience, I am fortunate not because I have cancer.  No I am fortunate for those that are treating me because I have cancer.

I let them know their importance to me – I just wanted to share it with you as well.

..just to put death off

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It has been written in a comment on this very blog that I think about death too often.  I responded with a comment, that I do not think I do and just keep it in my mind to remind myself to live each day to the fullest one day at a time.

It could be I do think about death too often.

It many early posts, I wrote about my ‘depression years’, my struggles with life and myself and my attempted suicides and psychiatric hospital stay and years & years of therapy and so much more.  It is all here on my blog somewhere and honestly I think ‘it’ will be forgotten about someday.

That ‘it’ is my writings, these posts, this blog and me.

Recently I have thought about death again; it is on my mind.  Folks, my body is tired and my mind is tired and I do not look forward much to anything.  I know I need to look ahead and think positive and find the strength; but that part of me that battled me down so many, many years ago, wants to do it again.  My life is so very different than 30 years ago; I am wiser and I have more knowledge and I have someone who truly cares for me.

But here I am again thinking about death – the ending of my life.

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The difference is this time, I will not attempt to take my own life, no I did learn something those decades ago.  Does it make sense that if I become pessimistic and down that I am giving cancer control and therefore I am committing suicide?

I do at times feel my death is near, maybe not in the very near future, but in the not so distant future.

There are countless posts with me writing about being strong, optimistic and trying to be a good person and live a good life.  I struggle and fail many days and want to give up or give in and say to hell with it.  We all are going to die someday – why do I want to fight just to extend my life?

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I feel at times it does not really matter to others and especially to myself.

I do not want to die before my parents do and I do not want to die before Gary.  Not that I want any of them to die soon, but I do not want to put them through having to deal with my death.  I think that sounds selfish on my part.

I think about the whole purpose in life, why are we here, what should I be learning about in this thing called life?

I do not understand it, and yes, at times I want it to end.

But, being selfish and wanting it to end sooner than later – what does that accomplish?

I believe it accomplishes nothing – than again being optimistic, receiving treatment for cancer and overcoming another struggle just to put death off a little longer – what does that accomplish?

Pain, Moods & Me

Last month, my friend and fellow blogger Curry N Code from blog site Life Less Ordinary, published a post that resonated with me.

That post ‘Be Not Provoked‘, was about not being provoked to anger.  Please, if you have the time – click the above link to read this beneficial post.

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That post spoke to me and is an excellent reminder for me of what I am not doing.  A reminder of what I should be doing.  You know what is going on in my life right now, I am dealing with cancer and currently going through another round of chemotherapy.  This dealing with cancer started 20 months ago and has been on going non-stop.

There is the body pain, many different body pains I have experienced over these 20 months and I allow that body pain to affect my mood and to affect me.

I am opposite of what my friend Curry N Code writes in the post I mentioned.  I am ashamed to admit it – I call myself weak – I allow my body pain to dictate my mind.

I have written about this before.  I allow my body pain to dictate my moods, my mind, me.  It seems to me, I use my body pain as an excuse to be provoked to anger.  I use my body pain as an excuse to lose hope and love.

I am not necessarily a religious person, though at times in my life I have been.

I am a work in progress and no matter what body pain I am experiencing, I need to remind myself to not be provoked to anger.  I need to remind myself to always be patient, to be forgiving and to display love.

I receive much support and encouragement from comments that are left on my posts that help me a great deal.

I receive much inspiration from other’s posts which also help me a great deal.

Thank you Curry N Code and others who publish posts that resonate with me.

I may not always leave a comment, but many of your posts touch me and inspire me.

Cloud Dreaming

“Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky.”

– Rabindranath Tagore

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“The sun always shines above the clouds.”

– Paul F. Davis

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“Nature is a mutable cloud, which is always and never the same.”

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

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“A cloudy day is no match for a sunny disposition.”

– William Arthur Ward

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Dying Before You

I only write for myself here on my blog.  Based on comments, some readers understand me and others do not.  But then again, some readers are learning, while others are just reading.

My posts make perfect sense to me, but to others may be just a collection of ramblings.

Gary and I have conversations about the future.  These conversations are more about the immediate future; but the further out future is sometimes discussed as well.  You see, we discuss the immediate future; the coming months – because there are some unknowns and there are some plans.

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Sometimes our conversations discuss the further out future that may or may not include me.  I have an appointment tomorrow to discuss what is next regarding my battle with cancer.  The appointment will determine the immediate future and the further out future.

But before tomorrow’s appointment, sometimes our conversations discuss the further out future.  Gary and I do not deny what could happen and what will happen.  We all are going to die someday, that is a given – will I die soon, in the immediate future or the further out future?

Gary and I discuss the possibility of me dying before him.  During these discussions, he tells me that if he is left alone, he would do nothing and be nothing.  I want him to live his life to the fullest and not sit alone and not enjoy life.

One evening we had this discussion and later I went to bed for the night.  As I laid there with these thoughts in my head, I became angry.  Why was I angry?

I was angry for several reasons.  Besides our discussion that particular evening, I also watched one of my weekly television program series.  This episode centered around a young woman who had Stage 4 Cancer and was terminal.  She made friends with an unlikely person and the episode ended with this new friend telling her to keep fighting the battle each day, be strong and never give up; fight each and every day.

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When I am feeling weak, I want to give up and then there are days I fight.

I want to be around to take care of Gary in the future.  And I remind myself, he needs me just as much as I need him.

But we all are going to die anyway, someday, right?

I feel pain every day and I continue to be physically weak and slow.  My body most times dictates my mind and I become emotionally weak, down and angry.

I am angry that I might not be around to take care of Gary.  He talks about being by himself and being alone and not doing anything, once I am gone.

I don’t want him to do that

Maybe I am angry because I am going to die sooner than him and not be able to take care of him.

I am not doing well at taking care of myself – maybe that is why I am angry

I know – be strong every single day.

Be strong and keep fighting.

But, we are all going to die anyway, someday, right?

Stop & Listen

Back in December of last year, in my post ‘Reveille‘, I wrote the following words –

In the mornings after reveille, the National Anthem is played.  In the United States, we play the National Anthem before sporting events and sometimes other types of activities where large amounts of people are gathered.  I would acknowledge the song and maybe sing along with it or, maybe not.  Since living at NAS, that has changed; I feel differently when I hear this song now.  The song has more meaning for me.  Why?

No matter where on the base one is – when the National Anthem is played in the morning or evening, everyone stops what they are doing and gives their attention.  Military personal both active and retired salute and civilians with their hand on their heart.  My heart pounds as I am stopped in my tracks and begin singing the National Anthem – what an honor.

In today’s post, I write the following –

From Wikipedia –

The Star-Spangled Banner” is the national anthem of the United States of America. The lyrics come from “Defence of Fort M’Henry”, a poem written on September 14, 1814, by the 35-year-old lawyer and amateur poet Francis Scott Key after witnessing the bombardment of Fort McHenry by British ships of the Royal Navy in Baltimore Harbor during the Battle of Baltimore in the War of 1812. Key was inspired by the large American flag, the Star-Spangled Banner, flying triumphantly above the fort during the American victory.

My friend and fellow blogger Jennie over at A Teacher’s Reflections published a wonderful post back in November of last year about the significance of this song with children.  I did not realize there is a book The Star Spangled Banner by Peter Spier that depicts the words to this song in full color illustrations.  Please stop over to Jennie’s blog and check out her wonderful post Children and “The Star Spangled Banner”.

Having lived on the Naval Air Station (NAS) Pensacola, Florida – I heard this song every morning.  We sing it many times in our lives without much thought into the words and the meaning of the song.  I realize the following video is rather long (11:38 minutes), but if you have time to watch it, please do.  I hope you listen to the words and watch the video today, and learn something you may have not known and maybe just maybe, it brings to you a new significance; and the next time you hear it, a since of honor and pride will fill your heart.

Come & Go

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Come & Go, I see it often

Sometimes I think about is it them or me

If it is me than I cannot be soften

One Lovely Blog Award BorderI am me & they are them

And we cannot all agree

But is it me, her or him

One Lovely Blog Award Border& I try my best to be for all

Though I know this is beyond my control

I do my best to make the call

One Lovely Blog Award BorderCome & Go, I see it more and more

But that is ok, because I myself sometimes

Will take advantage and even the score

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