Thoughts From Years Past.19

Another documented ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ that reflects what was going on in my life at a particular time.  My post ‘I want to write a book’ describes my desire to write a book and several times in the past started this process, without proceeding very far. In my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.18’, I ended with ‘It was not creating a state of mind that took me away from the craziness I felt: instead it created an evil person that hated life and everything about it. ’

The following documentation is the conclusion of those pages.

Thoughts I wrote from September, 2004 – (unedited from original writing)

I became extremely depressed to the point of not being able to get out of bed for days.  I hated myself and everything about life.  I hated everything, yes maybe even my kids or at least the stress they brought to my life.  I could not cope with life any longer and decided it was time to end it.  I had these thoughts many years before as a young child during those growing up years.  There was a time as a young boy, I felt depressed and wanted to kill myself.  I recall going into the kitchen and grabbing a knife out the drawer and thinking about stabbing myself.  I wanted to so badly; I wanted to be dead, to not experience the pain I was feeling at that time.  But, something kept me from going through with it.  I was just as scared of killing myself as I was of living.  Now in my late twenties it was the time to go through with it, to end this miserable and disturbing life.  I was older now with more stresses and struggles in my mind.  I was older now to have the strength to carry it out this time.  The time had arrived.  It was time to end my life!

Thoughts From Years Past.18

Another documented ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ that reflects what was going on in my life at a particular time.  My post ‘I want to write a book’ describes my desire to write a book and several times in the past started this process, without proceeding very far. In my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.17, I ended with ‘The confusion of my mind and the craziness I felt would lead to significant depression that would create a life changing event which would occur in the very near future.’

The following documentation is a continuation of those pages.

NOTE: This is the most difficult post I have written and published.  This one event is a turning point in my life.  It scares me to publish this, but when I started this blog I decided to disclose me and my life – the good, the bad, the ugly.

Thoughts I wrote from September, 2004 – (unedited from original writing)

There are certainly wonderful memories of my babies.  I can recall them in my arms as I rocked them to sleep to my humming of Amazing Grace.  This seemed to calm them even those days when they were teething or upset due to colic.  I remember when they first starting sitting up on their own and then standing.  On one occasion my first son standing in his baby bed and leaning over the rail too far, fell to the floor.  There were no injuries and he was upset and cried for a while, but soon after was happy again.  I also remembered the baths in the sink, the feedings, the changing of diapers and those nights without much sleep.  I truly cherish these memories, but at that time grew impatient with the helplessness they possessed and the continued responsibilities that were involved in caring for them.  My job as the manager of a fast food restaurant included working on Saturdays with a day off during the week.  My mother-in-law kept the boys the days both mom and dad worked and I kept them the day I was off during the week.  What added stress this was to me as I began handling my stress inappropriately with outbursts of anger and rage.  It is difficult for me to admit this and I still carry shame and guilt with the pit of my stomach feeling sick when I think of these times.  I remember thoughts of picking these precious creations up and throwing them against the wall in desperation to rid me of hearing their cries.  That act never took place, but the thoughts at times were so strong I once called my mom pleading for her to leave work and come help me.  Mom was there for me, helping me get through a tough time as I found in the years to follow she would do on a consistent selfless basis.  I cried so hard that day, feeling my mind was out of control and thinking I could not handle my life and all it was giving me.  I continued on and somehow restrained myself from putting into action those thoughts toward my kids that were so powerful in my mind.  I knew it was wrong and just having these thoughts made me feel I was crazy.  Life became tougher and tougher at work and home.  With upper management changes at work, added stress became apparent and babies growing into toddlers increased the demand for attention and responsibility.  I was feeling out of control and handled it by drinking everyday as much as I could.  The alcohol changed my behavior from bad to evil.  It was not creating a state of mind that took me away from the craziness I felt: instead it created an evil person that hated life and everything about it.

….to be continued….

(more about my sons in this post: My 3 Sons)

(more about my depression in this post: The Great Depression of the 1980s)

(more about my mom in posts: Thanks Mom! & Magnificent)

Thoughts From Years Past.17

Another documented ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ that reflects what was going on in my life at a particular time.  My post ‘I want to write a book’ describes my desire to write a book and several times in the past started this process, without proceeding very far. In my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.16’, I ended with ‘We just were not ready for another baby.’

The following documentation is a continuation of those pages.

Thoughts I wrote from September, 2004 – (unedited from original writing)

By the time the third son was born in early autumn of 1986, I was really feeling the pressures of life.  Another C-section took place to bring him into the world and another bundle of joy to bring home.  Within a month he was back in the hospital with an infection and had to be on an IV for a month to fight it.  As he lay in the hospital baby bed with the IV in his head, he seemed peaceful without fear.  A small cup was taped to his head to cover the IV and prevent it from being accidentally removed.  I have photos of his grandma holding him in her arms and can remember all the concern everyone had for his health.  The infection was fought and soon he came back home to be with his brothers.  These babies soon became young children and with no fault of their own, would bring so much stress and instability in an already distressed mind.  I had no way of knowing at the beginning what the years were going to bring.  The stress of work and children would create such turmoil in a weak mind full of doubt and pessimism.  The confusion of my mind and the craziness I felt would lead to significant depression that would create a life changing event which would occur in the very near future.

….to be continued….

(more about my sons in this post: My 3 Sons)

(more about my depression in this post: The Great Depression of the 1980s)

(more about son #3: He Started It!, Son #3 Now Married, Son #3 Birthday Wishes)

Thoughts From Years Past.16

Another documented ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ that reflects what was going on in my life at a particular time.  My post ‘I want to write a book’ describes my desire to write a book and several times in the past started this process, without proceeding very far. In my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.15’, I ended with ‘After several days, mom and baby were doing well and it was time to go home.’

The following documentation is a continuation of those pages.

Thoughts I wrote from September, 2004 – (unedited from original writing)

My second son was born in 1984 on Valentine’s Day.  He was a big baby, weighing in at 9 lbs. & 12 ½ oz.  He was born without incident, coming into the world as the first did, by C-section.  He was a big bundle of joy and was an exciting addition to the family.  His big brother was only 21 months at the time and was so cute with his bleach blond hair.  I remember him holding his younger brother in his arms and wanting to take care of him.  I have two boys now and with them came additional responsibilities and stress.  Two months after he was born, mom got pregnant again.  Wow, not necessarily good timing as the two we had required much attention to take care of.  But within two months a miscarriage took place and we viewed it as a blessing in disguise.  We just were not ready for another baby.

….to be continued….

(more about my sons in this post: My 3 Sons)

Thoughts From Years Past.15

Another documented ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ that reflects what was going on in my life at a particular time.  My post ‘I want to write a book‘ describes my desire to write a book and several times in the past started this process, without proceeding very far. In my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.14’, I ended with ‘This state of mind was the stage setting for a dramatic play, a play that was to unfold with the births of my boys.  ’

The following documentation is a continuation of those pages.

Thoughts I wrote from September, 2004 – (unedited from original writing)

My first son was born in 1982, one week after my wife and I celebrated our 4th anniversary.  I knew before that day that a boy would be brought into this world.  Right after we received the news mom was pregnant I saw a falling star one night.  I made a wish that night that all my kids would be boys.  Sounds kind of corny I know, but my wish came true.  Back during those days, dad was present in the operating room when the baby was born by C-section.  I was nervous and excited at the same time; the typical emotions of a new father.  Mom had an epidural and was awake to experience the big event.  With knowing a baby was being brought into this world I had no concerns about what was happening.  Watching as the doctor cut her abdomen and then her uterus had no effect on me.  The water began gushing out and I knew the time had arrived.  As the doctor placed his hands in mom’s womb I could feel the sense of anticipation overtake my body.  Slowing moving his arms upward, his hands begin to appear holding the head of a baby.  I knew immediately by seeing the head it was a boy, there was no need to see the rest of the body.  It was an amazing experience I would be blessed to participate in two more times.  As I carried the first born to the nursery from the operating room I was gleaming.  Waiting on the other side of the nursery window were aunts and uncles and the proud grandparents.  The bundle of joy overall was healthy.  He had an infection that required a spinal tap be performed.  As frightened as his mom and I were, the procedure was completed without incident and he overcame complications.  After several days, mom and baby were doing well and it was time to go home.

….to be continued….

(more about my sons in this post: My 3 Sons)

Thoughts From Years Past.14

Another documented ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ that reflects what was going on in my life at a particular time.  My post ‘I want to write a book’ describes my desire to write a book and several times in the past started this process, without proceeding very far. In my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.13’, I ended with ‘I added to my list of failures me being a worthless lousy father. ’

The following documentation is a continuation of those pages.

Thoughts I wrote from September, 2004 – (unedited from original writing)

Shortly after graduation and before the first child was born, I worked several jobs from waiting tables to house maintenance repairs to painting, to finally getting hired as a manager trainee in a fast food restaurant.  After all this was the environment I grew up working in and knew so well.  I excelled and became general manager in a short period of time.  The responsibilities were numerous and the stress associated with the job was high.  I did what I always did, worked hard but not handling the stress well.  I wanted so much to earn my superiors approval, my dad’s approval and everyone else’s approval that I created great expectations for myself.  These expectations would never be met as I set them so high they in themselves created tension and stress that resulted in failure and disappointment within me.  This state of mind was the stage setting for a dramatic play, a play that was to unfold with the births of my boys.

….to be continued….

(more about my sons in this post: My 3 Sons)

Thoughts From Years Past.13

Another documented ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ that reflects what was going on in my life at a particular time.  My post ‘I want to write a book’ describes my desire to write a book and several times in the past started this process, without proceeding very far. In my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.12’, I ended with ‘They bring a sense of peace and focus in my life that at one time was hectic and confusing.’

The following documentation is a continuation of those pages.

Thoughts I wrote from September, 2004 – (unedited from original writing)

These men were born back during the eighties when I was married to my wife.  She and I created precious babies that were prefect creations.  I remember clearly when each one was born; we actually selected the days, as they were all to be born by caesarian section.  I remember their tiny helpless bodies needing the care of a parent.  They brought great joy to my life and I knew at that time the dad I wanted to be.  I would be there for everything in their lives; all their sporting events, their concerts, the first day of school and the graduations.  I would be there for all of it.  They would know their dad loved them not only because I would tell them honestly, but I would show them through my actions.  Little did I know at that time the turn my life would take resulting in the shattering of my hopes and dreams of being that dad I so desperately wanted to be.  My relationships with these men today are honest, wholesome, loving and fulfilling.  But once upon a time in my mind I was unhappy with the relationship I had with these three boys.  I hated the father I was, for the not being there, the mistakes I made and the missing out of so many important events in their lives.  So I carried guilt and shame as a father and blamed myself for ruining my relationship with my kids.  I added to my list of failures me being a worthless lousy father.

….to be continued….

(more about my sons in this post: My 3 Sons)

Thoughts From Years Past.12

Another documented ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ that reflects what was going on in my life at a particular time.  My post ‘I want to write a book’ describes my desire to write a book and several times in the past started this process, without proceeding very far. In my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.11’, I ended with ‘We all survived and years later I came to know a man of great character and goodness.’

The following documentation is a continuation of those pages.

Thoughts I wrote from September, 2004 – (unedited from original writing)

The marriage created more stress and struggles.  My senior year of high school was tough as I worked two to three jobs in order for us to survive.  I thought the marriage was needed in order to change my life for me to continue on somehow.  I wanted to have a reason to live and not just exist.  I wanted a reason to live a life that had meaning and not one of insecurity and worthlessness.  But the meaning was not there, the purpose was not there.  I did graduate high school, just barely though.

Thursday, September 23, 2004, 8:00 AM and it is another day in the office.  What will today bring?  I imagine joy and happiness, peace and patience, love, grace and contentment.  As I write this story of my life, it reminds me where I have been and where I am current day.  I appreciate my life; all the trials and tribulations, all the triumphs and successes.  There have been many of both that I will continue to share in these writings.  I believe this journey called life is like a school which I am taught lessons that will aid me in becoming a better person.  I truly believe this for everyone.  I believe we all are at different levels or stages and throughout our lives our experiences are the lessons from which we learn.  Events are thrown in there to test us on what we have learned.  I have failed many tests, but with experience and practice have successfully passed tests.

One of these tests is my relationship with my 3 boys.  Yes, I have boys, actually young men now.  I spoke with them this past week and have gained a sense of peace with myself knowing they are doing well.  Our relationship is special and fulfilling.  But it was not always like this.  These men were given life by their mom and me and have been taught all that we could teach them the best way we knew how.  I believe we did okay, they appear to be happy even with the struggles they have.  They are each on their own journey of life working on fulfilling their hopes and dreams.  I love my boys with all my heart and pray their lives are filled with happiness, joy and meaning.  I have a great respect for them that I guess most dads have for their kids.  They bring a sense of peace and focus in my life that at one time was hectic and confusing.

….to be continued….

(more about my marriage in this post: My Marriage)

(more about my sons in this post: My 3 Sons)

Thoughts From Years Past.11

Another documented ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ that reflects what was going on in my life at a particular time.  My post ‘I want to write a book’ describes my desire to write a book and several times in the past started this process, without proceeding very far. In my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.10’, I ended with ‘My dream changed due to life throwing an unexpected curve along the way.’

The following documentation is a continuation of those pages.

Thoughts I wrote from September, 2004 – (edited from original writing to not disclose specific location)

So why did we get married at the age of 18 and with me having my senior year of high school left?  I know we got married ultimately for the right reasons but at that moment in time for the wrong reasons.  I know my life would have been very different if we had not gotten married that summer.  Another road would have been traveled if it were not for a hot spring evening in late May or early June.  We were miniature golfing and having a good time.  I told her I was bored with life and needed a change.  I had given myself and her three options for making this change.  Option one: rob a bank, option two: kill myself, or option three: get married.  Well I guess she did not want the first two options to take place so we decided to get married.  Within a couple of weeks we got our blood tests, the marriage license and on June 16, 1978 we heading over to the nearest town to the Justice of the Peace who married us.  We both cried out of joy and fear.  She had told her mom prior to that day and I told my mom right before I left the house.  Those are the only people that knew what was taking place that day.  I remember my mom crying and not understanding why I wanted this.  How would I be able to continue school and survive?  I could not really answer her questions, so I left and did what I felt I needed to do.  After eloping it was time to face the new father-in-law.  This was going to be tough; he was a religious man that would not understand our reasons.  He was a man I really did not know well and in some way was intimated by.  The meeting was tough, and I had to explain why we did it, telling him “I love your daughter.”  We all survived and years later I came to know a man of great character and goodness.

….to be continued….

(more about my marriage in this post: My Marriage)

Thoughts From Years Past.10

Another documented ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ that reflects what was going on in my life at a particular time. My post ‘I want to write a book‘ describes my desire to write a book and several times in the past started this process, without proceeding very far. In my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.9’, I ended with ‘My dream changed due to life throwing an unexpected curve along the way.’

The following documentation is a continuation of those pages.

Thoughts I wrote from September, 2004 – (edited from original writing to not disclose specific location)

That curve along the way was meeting my future wife. We met at band camp the summer before my sophomore year. She was a junior and at the time I was dating another girl. I did not pay much attention to her but she told me sometime later when she first saw me she commented to a friend that we would be married someday. We hit it off and started dating sometime that school year. All of our friends knew we were serious about each other. After dating for more than a year, the month before the summer of my senior year, my band director told us we better not get married that summer. I was the drum major and I guess he felt getting married would in some way affect my abilities to perform my duties. I am not sure why he provided this comment. I do not recall if we mentioned this possibility or it was spoken to anyone, especially him. Well anyway you guessed it, we got married that summer. It was difficult day to go to the band director’s house to give him the news. I remember him opening the door and the first words out of his mouth. “You got married!” I guess the look on our faces gave it away. I was afraid of losing my drum major position in the band, as it was important to me. My fears were soon eased as the band director allowed me to keep this position even though he was not happy about the situation.

….to be continued….

(more about my high school band years in this post: My High School Band Director)

(more about my marriage in this post: My Marriage)