Another documented ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ that reflects what was going on in my life at a particular time. My post ‘I want to write a book’ describes my desire to write a book and several times in the past started this process, without proceeding very far. In my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.18’, I ended with ‘It was not creating a state of mind that took me away from the craziness I felt: instead it created an evil person that hated life and everything about it. ’
The following documentation is the conclusion of those pages.
Thoughts I wrote from September, 2004 – (unedited from original writing)
I became extremely depressed to the point of not being able to get out of bed for days. I hated myself and everything about life. I hated everything, yes maybe even my kids or at least the stress they brought to my life. I could not cope with life any longer and decided it was time to end it. I had these thoughts many years before as a young child during those growing up years. There was a time as a young boy, I felt depressed and wanted to kill myself. I recall going into the kitchen and grabbing a knife out the drawer and thinking about stabbing myself. I wanted to so badly; I wanted to be dead, to not experience the pain I was feeling at that time. But, something kept me from going through with it. I was just as scared of killing myself as I was of living. Now in my late twenties it was the time to go through with it, to end this miserable and disturbing life. I was older now with more stresses and struggles in my mind. I was older now to have the strength to carry it out this time. The time had arrived. It was time to end my life!