Hospice & Home

Last Monday’s post ‘Cancer will take my life‘, I wrote the following –

Cancer will take my life.  I have always referred to this cancer in my body as my cancer as it does not belong to anyone else.  My cancer will take my life.  Those pictures associated to last Friday’s post revealed just how much my cancer has taken over and my fight is coming to an end.  My body and mind are worn and it is time to prepare for what is ultimately to take place.

The family visits of past weeks are over and my body is tired and mind is ready.

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Image Provided by: Harbor Light Hospice

Hospice will begin this week and changes will take place in many areas for both Gary and me.  If you read my post yesterday, starting this week; the amount of posts will be reduced.

In today’s post, I write the following –

Now being home for a week, I feel much better being back in my comfort zone.  I am thankful to have spent time in the hospital, because I needed to be there.  I need to be home also, and I am certainly thankful to be back here now.

This past week I have I received much needed rest and Gary and I have started new routines based on my Hospice care.  The nurses and other associates with Hospice are wonderful and I feel very comfortable in their care.  This past week, though at times difficult both emotionally and physically; this past week, the transition felt right, certainly felt needed and I was ready for it.

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Emotionally I accept where I am in my life, what is left of it and honestly, I am ready for the end.  I know others are not ready for the end; it is coming and I find myself at times wanting to look at a calendar to see what date that will be.  I have no date, and find at times I am frustrated with not knowing.

Physically my body is beaten down by my cancer and as each day passes, so does some strength, flexibility and mobility.  I preform exercise at least once per day and sometimes twice to help slow down the deprivation taken place in my body.

Now that I have a ‘G Tube’ inserted into my stomach, I no longer eat by mouth.  All my nutritional needs are through IV as well as my pain medication.  Remember I also have a urostomy bag that collects my urine and along with all other outside aids, I have lots of tubes coming and going from my body.  I also recently was put on oxygen due to shortness of breath and the amount of effort it takes me to do small tasks; such as changing positions.

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Gary is here beside me always willing and able to take care of me with the small tasks to taking care of changing my nutritional IV that requires changing on a daily basis.  There are many other daily tasks he does to help make my life easier.  I eat lots of ice chips and if it has flavor, then it is like having a treat every day.  So, Gary makes sure I am stocked on ice, popsicles and the like.

The first week with Hospice has gone well and I am grateful to be home.

It feels like a dream

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Image Provided by: http://www.freepik.com

It feels like a dream

This reality of mine

For it seems only yesterday

My days were always full of sunshine

 

Now no matter the day

With the sunshine or none

I wake every morning

Waiting for the day to be done

 

For each passing day

Takes me closer to it

That all important day

When my breath is ready to quit

 

Each day becomes difficult

Some a little, some a lot

This is not what I envisioned

This is not what I had thought

 

It feels like a dream

This reality of mine

The daily pains, the daily struggles

It must be a sign

 

This body of mine

The look and the feel

My cancer in my body

It all seems unreal

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Image Provided by: More Sky

can’t escape challenges – a Visual Recite

I have added a new category to my blog titled ‘a Visual Recite’.

I have taken many pictures over the years and I share them with you with a recite.

(I disabled comments today, I need more time to respond to Monday’s heartfelt comments that you left me.  I also need time to adjust back home and the changes needed as I continue my heath care here at home.  Thank you my friends for your understanding.)

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can’t escape challenges  –

I feel like life is really short, and it’s important to enjoy yourself and embrace whatever comes your way, whether it’s a challenging day or a great day, just welcome it with open arms. No matter who you are, you can’t escape challenges; they are part of life.

–          Miranda Kerr

Cancer will take my life

In my post ‘I will see her again‘, I concluded with the following –

These family members know my life may be short.  The once small cancer that was found almost 2 years ago, is now taking over my body.  The treatments may help slow down the progression, but ultimately my cancer will take my life.

In today’s post, I begin with the following –

In last Friday’s post ‘…out of my nose soon‘, I wrote about a small surgery to take place to insert a ‘G Tube’, from my stomach to the outside of my body.  This ‘G Tube’ will provide me a way to release the pressure from my stomach and small intestines without a tube going through my nose.  This ‘G Tube’ should bring me some relieve, however it brings on a whole another set of challenges.  With this tube, I will no longer eat through my mouth; but instead through an IV.

The surgery last Thursday was a success and after several more days of observation it was time to leave the hospital.

I spent my last 13 days in the hospital and arrived home again yesterday to the RV.  I am very glad to be out of the hospital and to be feeling better today.

Did you notice the pictures associated with last Friday’s post?  JImage2ust viewing some of the pictures, some of you know, a few may not have figured it out, and it may be others are not ready to accept or acknowledge.

I did not need to write the words, the associated pictures displayed the words in plain for all to see.

I left the hospital yesterday and now am back home in my RV to start my Hospice care.

Cancer will take my life.  I have always referred to this cancer in my body as my cancer as it does not belong to anyone else.  My cancer will take my life.  Those pictures associated to last Friday’s post revealed just how much my cancer has taken over and my fight is coming to an end.  My body and mind are worn and it is time to prepare for what is ultimately to take place.

20170416_194313 (2)The family visits of past weeks are over and my body is tired and mind is ready.

Hospice will begin this week and changes will take place in many areas for both Gary and me.  If you read my post yesterday, starting this week; the amount of posts will be reduced.

As always, I appreciate every one of you for stopping by each day to read and comment.  You my friends; your support and encouragement all have a huge positive impact on me.

But, now it is time – time for my cancer to take my life.

Anniversary Announcement

Today is the 27th month of my blog!  My anniversary post is something different than the usual posts I write.

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Nothing clever in this post today.  No going back to a different age in my life to see what was taking place.  No interesting facts.  Actually, nothing interesting at all.

What is this anniversary post about?

I decided today is as good day as any to make an announcement, after all it is my blog anniversary.  When I started this blog 27 months ago, my goal was to post every day and I achieved this goal.  Now it is time to change because my health is declining and I no longer have the strength and I need my rest – lots and lots of rest.

Starting next week, I will be post 3-4 times per weeks and not every day.  My plan is to post on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and may be one weekend day.

I just need time to myself to take care of myself.

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Today is the 27th month of my blog!  My anniversary post is something different than the usual posts I write.

Who Needs Vitameatavegamin?

Well, maybe Lucy did those many years ago – but not me.

No, I just need testosterone.  With my most recent issue with the blockage between my small and large intestines, I was not eating.  I was therefore receiving no nutrients into my body to maintain a good health in many ways.  This is where Vitameatavegamin comes into play – my secret to a healthy lifestyle.  Seriously, I am making light of a serious situation.

No Vitameatavegamin for me, but I am taking testosterone.  My testosterone levels were lower than the average woman.  Do I see a difference?  No, and I most likely will not for a while, it takes a while to build the testosterone levels back up.

So, testosterone for me and some other important nutrients to build back levels that were lost during my weeks of non-eating.

Who Needs Vitameatavegamin?

Comments are disabled today.

..out of my nose soon

This past Monday, in my post ‘Blockage‘, I wrote the following –

What caused this fluid buildup?

After a scan had taken place, it was determined I have a blockage between my small and larger intestines.  It is believed the blockage is caused by my cancer.  It is certain it will have to be dealt with before going back home.

7 days later and I continue to be in the hospital and be treated well enough I hope to go home soon.

But what about fixing the blockage?

I should know more today concerning what is next with this blockage issue.  I should be able to let you know later this week with better, up-to-date information.

In today’s post, I write the following –

11 days later and I continue to be in the hospital.

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But what about fixing the blockage?

After days of relieving pressure in my abdominal region and hoping the blockage would auto-correct itself, it has not.  For the past 11 days, I have had a tube inserted in my nose and down to my stomach in hopes the bloating and fluid would be decreased.  The issue continues and now more aggressive measures must be taken to resolve the blockage or at least make it manageable.

Yesterday, I had a small surgery to insert a ‘G Tube’, from my stomach to the outside of my body.  This ‘G Tube’ will provide me a means to release the pressure from my stomach and small intestines without a tube going through my nose.  This ‘G Tube’ should bring me some relieve, however it brings on a whole another set of challenges.  With this tube, I will no longer eat through my mouth; but instead through IV.

My medications will now be taken differently because I must allow the absorbing to take place in my stomach without being sucked out by this new ‘G Tube’.   A great deal of changes will take place in the next days and weeks to grow accustomed to this new way of life – my new way of life.

Gary and I have much to learn with this new way of life and I am confident we will make it through this learning period.

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My hopes are, this will be successful and the changes needed to my body will go well.

My hopes are, I will have this tube removed from out of my nose soon.

My hopes are, I will leave the hospital soon.

Eating Ice Cream with My Fingers – A Fresh Perspective

I am in year 3 of my blog.

In the early days of this blog, there are posts that received little exposer.

I have a new category ‘Reruns – A Fresh Perspective’.  This category reposts these earlier posts that received little exposer and a fresh perspective on how I feel about them today.

This post was originally posted on May 19, 2015 –

Have you ever eaten ice cream with your fingers?

I remember back at a time, maybe 25 years ago, when I was going through one of many rough times in my life.

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Image Provided by: http://www.stormbros.com

This particular time in my life was rough because I was struggling to survive to make ends meet, to move forward.  This particular time in my life was just one of many where I was experiencing life’s bumpy road.  I was going through my divorce and working a job that did not pay well.  I was depressed, alone, paying child support for several kids, trying to pay bills, just trying to survive; and wondering where my next penny was coming from.  During this period of struggle, even though the money was minimal I needed to do something for myself.  I felt I needed to ‘treat’ myself because I did not want to neglect myself, I did not want to neglect my well-being.  I gave myself a ‘treat’ at least once a month.  One month I bought a cheap picture to put on a bare wall in my apartment of little furnishings.  I needed something to look at besides the wall paper.

Another month I decided to buy ice cream as a ‘treat’ for myself – I needed it!  I went to the store and bought the ice cream and was excited and looked forward to the moment of eating it because it was so desired.  As soon as I arrived to my apartment I immediately wanted to eat the ice cream.  But wait!  It occurred to me that I have no silverware; no spoons, no forks, no knifes, nothing.  I had no plates, no bowls, no cups; I had nothing!  My apartment of little furnishings was not going to prevent me from eating the ice cream I desired.  I used my fingers; I used my fingers for as long as I could, until they became cold and I felt they were getting frost bite.  The well desired ice cream was good and I felt good.

I think back at this one moment in time when I wanted something that I felt I needed, desired and deserved.  Even when the tools were not there for me to use, I ate my ice cream anyway.  I will never stop eating ice cream even when it appears sometime will prevent me from doing so.  There is nothing that can stop be from eating my ice cream.

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Image Provided by: scind.org

So, if you do not have the tools to eat your ice cream – don’t let that stop you, there is always another way to eat ice cream.  I know how.

A Fresh Perspective –

Not much has changed with this attitude today.  It is important to treat ourselves and especially when times are tough.  So, no matter the struggle, no matter the time in our life; we should ‘treat’ ourselves, even when we may not have the utensils to do so.

Brotherly Transformations

Still more came to visit.

As mentioned in this past weekend’s posts, I had more family visitors.

The trip was planned for some time, and I did not foresee myself being in the hospital.  But there I was and here they came and we made the best of it.  This family visit involved my oldest brother, his wife and their daughter and son.  Gary, the usual host with the most; never skipped a beat and helped make the best of their time here when not visiting me in the hospital.  Really, who wants to go to Florida and spend their time at the hospital?

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Image Provided by: Kyrene Foundation

With the arrival of Monday came my brother and his family’s departure.  We were not able to spend a great deal of time together, but that time together was important for all of us.  They needed to see and visit with me just as much as I needed to see and visit with them.

As with all the previous family visits, there were tears, honestly, openness and the knowing that this time spent together could very well be our last time together.

Monday morning, it was only my brother to come visit me one more time before heading back home to Texas.  This brotherly time together, just us two together and talking about our relationship through the years was important.  This time together to share a hug and say, ‘I love you’ without feeling embarrassed and uneasy is what I believe to be the conclusion of a lifetime brotherly relationships and brotherly transformations.

We both came full circle in this relationship of ours and we departed knowing the love we have for each other is strong, real and sincere.

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Image Provided by: vord.dvrlists.com

The previous years and years of what use to be our brotherly relationship was transformed on Monday.  A new brotherly relationship like none other we had experienced over the years.

Why wait until the last minute for these transformations?

I have no answers; I guess that is just life.

I love you brother and your family and thank you for visiting me.

You are important to me, as is our brotherly transformations.