Who is next?

In my post ‘Phone Calls‘, I wrote the following –

So, the news of my cancer spreading and growing was received on a Friday; and Saturday Gary made a couple of calls.

He called my twin sister and he called my stepmom.  Why call these two family members?

My stepmom is the caretaker of my dad who has Parkinson’s Disease.  My dad’s health has deteriorated a great deal in the past couple of years.

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At times, it is very difficult to understand his speech and because of the medications he is on; he sleeps a lot.  My stepmom has been a part of the family for over 30 years and is in contact with my siblings.  Gary knew in talking with her, she in turn would talk with my siblings.

My twin sister, being the only female sibling, has a close relationship with my mom – they live in the same city.  Gary did not want to call my mom directly as he was concerned about upsetting her, plus a sensitive matter was to be discussed and Gary felt it coming from her daughter, my twin sister would be better received from mom.

In today’s post, I write the following –

Do you remember Father’s Day weekend?  My 3 sons surprised me with a visit that weekend.  It was an emotional weekend for all of us as we chatted about my current health situation.

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I was honest with them and they know the seriousness of my cancer and the ways it is invading my body and what we are doing to fight back.  They saw me at my worse; just a shell of a man who is weak, but still strong.  You can read more about our special weekend in my post ‘Father & Sons‘.

A couple of weeks after my son’s visit, my dad and stepmom came to visit.  They spent a week and I had many special moments with my dad, moments I will not forget.  You can read more about their visit in my post ‘Chats, Tears & Love‘.

Do I have other family members coming to visit?  Well, since you asked –

This coming Friday, my twin sister and my mom will be visiting.  Another important visit I am looking forward to because my mom and I are close.  I have written many posts about the importance she is to me.  This will be an emotional visit because my mom, she worries like most moms do and I think she feels helpless.

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My sister and I are twins and therefore we have a special bond.  I believe if that bond were broken in anyway, there would be a great loss there.  My sister has revealed to me she is heartbroken and upset.

This weekend I will have special visits with special family members; both have been important to me throughout my life and especially now.

I can do better

Me, I have been in a mood lately – and not a good one.

Did you notice in yesterday’s post ‘The planning continues‘, how boring that was?  Really I can do better than that.  I have lost some motivation and my brain is not very creative and my writing skills are not good.  So life is stagnating and my mood and creativity is going with it.  In a couple of days, I will let you know what is taking place on the home front, this is part of the reason for my mood.

My mood is affecting my body in that I am tired, I have little motivation to do anything and this in turn is causing withdrawal and moods that are flipping from good to bad, back to good, then to worse.  I am angry, frustrated, short tempered, withdrawn, rude, hateful, aggressive, destructive, impatient, ungrateful, and in need of the end.  The end of what, well a course my life!

Yes, you know I think about it, but I will not do that!  I am over that, but I still think about it.

The stabbing, the drowning, the pills, the gun, the running off the road, did I mention the stabbing?

In my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.19‘, I concluded with the following –

There was a time as a young boy, I felt depressed and wanted to kill myself.  I recall going into the kitchen and grabbing a knife out the drawer and thinking about stabbing myself.  I wanted to so badly; I wanted to be dead, to not experience the pain I was feeling at that time.  But, something kept me from going through with it.  I was just as scared of killing myself as I was of living.  Now in my late twenties it was the time to go through with it, to end this miserable and disturbing life.  I was older now with more stresses and struggles in my mind.  I was older now to have the strength to carry it out this time.  The time had arrived.  It was time to end my life!

In today’s post, I conclude with the following –

Friends, no need to worry – all will be fine.  At a very young age I struggled and the knife was there that I wanted so badly – but I knew better.  Today, I have thoughts of that knife and the inflicting of harm and death to myself – but I know better.

I continue to struggle with myself, that part of me that wants to be beat me down.  I become tired and worn-out.  I become moody, angry, frustrated, short tempered, withdrawn, rude, hateful, aggressive, destructive, impatient, ungrateful, and in need of the end – but I know better.

I know better, because I know me – I know I can do better –

I believe I can.