the option to kill myself

Past weeks, months; I have written about my pain – the seeming never ending pain.

Is the pain because the cancer that is invading my Lymph Nodes are pressing against nerves?

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Is the pain because of the position I was in during a lengthy 10 ½ surgery placed too much pressure on specific nerves?

These questions are possible reasons and there can be others as well.

I am in pain every minute of every day and at times the pain is so severe, I want to die.

Those times of severe pain the thought of suicide crosses my mind – I want to do it – I want to kill myself.

February of last year, I wrote a post ‘suicide – it sounds peaceful, it sounds calm‘, in which I wrote the following words –

It sounds peaceful, it sounds calm, it sounds internal; it sounds like something that’s good to me, something that I want.  But as long as I am still here I am not going to commit suicide – I will not do it.  And though my mind tells me it is an option, there is that conscience part of me that says no, it is not an option.  And I struggle with this still; but it will not ever happen and I will keep fighting the good fight and I will keep continuing to move forward.

October of 2015, I wrote a post ‘I am not afraid to die‘, in which I wrote the following words –

I will be totally honest with you my readers – today the thought of killing me still occasionally crosses my mind and there are times I wish I were dead.   But the act of me intentionally killing me will not take place.  No matter the struggles I still have in my life; I understand the taking of my own life is not the way for me to deal with these struggles.  I believe all of us are on this earth for a reason, and no matter the struggles we encounter; we all have strength within ourselves to overcome, to move forward and to survive.  Sometimes that strength can be buried under all the burdens of despair and anguish and finding it can be difficult.

Back to today –

I attempted suicide in my 20s; about 30 years ago, and this act has and still is a constant thought on my mind.

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In one of my many posts here on my blog, I wrote about a memory I have when I was a very young child.  I was likely anywhere from 10 to 12 years old.  I remember wanting to die and walking into the kitchen and reaching for a knife.  I remember wanting to stab myself with that knife and killing myself; ending it all.

I am in my 50s now and those thoughts of killing myself and ending it all continue to be strong today.  Especially now, with times of pain so great the tears from my eyes can fill buckets and those thoughts of killing myself are so very strong.

And I have pills; lots of pills that can help with that – but still today I fight that urge – I remind myself; killing me, this is not an option.

Fluid

Last Friday, in my post ‘appointments and procedures‘, I wrote the following –

The Neurologist suggested I be referred to Radiation Oncology for radiation treatments to help boost the chemotherapy and reduce the tumor that is pressing against the genitofemoral nerve.  The referral is in place for the consultation at the end of this month.  My hope is the radiation treatments can be worked in the schedule along with my chemotherapy treatments.  I am unsure at this time how this will be handled.

Prior to my Radiation Oncology appointment, I will have my first of two appointments for my Facet Injections.  You may remember I was also referred to Pain Management and it was suggested by them to have 2 appointments for the Facet Injections.

In today’s post, I write the following –

Some posts I published in the past couple of weeks included bad days due to pain, despair, guilt, weakness, unhappiness, death and tears.  There for a while I was very down, even to a point of depression.  This period of time was short and now I am in a better place.  I remain optimistic the next couple of weeks will bring some relief in the pain that has dominated my life for months now.

UPDATE – (as of this morning)

I wrote and completed this post earlier this week and as of yesterday it was ready to be published.  I mentioned in yesterday’s post that my life is fluid and changes daily and even sometimes many times a day.

Here is a rundown of unexpected events that occurred in the past couple of days.  Tuesday night I was in so much pain, nothing was helping and I was at my lowest point and just wanted to die, even if it meant doing it myself.  No need to worry my friends, I learned years ago suicide is not an option – therefore this will never occur.

Wednesday morning, Gary calls and speaks with a nurse at Moffitt Cancer Center to discuss my pain becoming worse and what I am experiencing; he asks that my Oncologist Dr. L. be informed.  Wednesday evening, we receive a call from Dr. L. and I discuss with him my current concerns with my health and that I am at the point I just cannot continue living with this much pain.  He was informed of the increase in pain medication and of other issues my body is currently experiencing.

He is concerned about what he hears and immediately places requests for blood work, CAT Scan and appointment to see him for the next day and that I should receive a call the following day after 8:00 AM.  I responded with a sincere thank you for his call and listening to my concerns and for his prompt response to have tests and see him the next day.

Thursday morning, 7:55 AM, I receive a call from Moffitt Cancer Center for the times of my appointments for that day.  Midday we arrive and promptly the blood work and CAT Scan are completed.  (this is after I had to drink my oral contrast liquid – yummy)

Then we meet with Dr. L. to discuss some of my history and the current pain I am experiencing.  I let him know the pain has increased and my daily quality of life is poor.  A physical exam is performed and then we receive the results of the CAT Scan.

The CAT Scan results indicate the current chemotherapy is NOT working – some Lymph Nodes previously identified as having cancer are now larger.

My life is currently fluid.

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Negative, out of me

I write posts about my life, my experiences, my feelings & emotions and my cancer.

I am very prepared and have posts written in advanced; so, sometimes when I publish a post, it could be a week ago I wrote it or sometimes even longer.

Why am I telling you this?

Because my life like others is fluid and changes daily and even sometimes many times a day.

Negative, ‘downer’ posts as I refer to them have been dominating my blog lately.

I felt after yesterday’s post, I needed to explain.

Thank you for your time.

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Negative, out of me –

appointments and procedures

In last Friday’s post ‘Cancer, Pain & Guilt‘, I wrote the following words –

Next week I see a Neurologist and I hope with that appointment to find the source of my nerve pain.  I am also hoping to find some relieve from this pain without having to continue to take a great deal of pain medication.

In today’s post, I write the following words –

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You remember the reason for starting chemotherapy again is because my cancer had spread into my lymph nodes both in the thoracic area and lumbar area.

Since my surgery back in January I have experienced several types of pain in my lower back that radiate out into the legs and upper back.

I had asked my Oncologist Dr. L. if my cancer was causing this pain and he indicated to me no.  The main pain in the lower back feels like it is in my bones, specially my pelvis.  A bone scan concluded there was no cancer in my bones.  Another pain I have is a stinging pain starting in the lower back that radiates down my legs, specifically on my right side.

Both these pains have increased over the past many weeks and pain medications have increased as well.  My quality of life has decreased because I am unable to do many easy activities without having pain associated with it.

20170416_194313 (2)This past Tuesday, I had my appointment with the Neurologist.  After providing information and performing some basic activities and upon reviewing my most recent scans; it was determined that one of the tumors on my lymph nodes closes to my spine is pressing against my genitofemoral nerve.  The neurologist report also indicated due to my lengthy 10 ½ hours surgery; pressure was placed on my lateral femoral cutaneous nerve.  So possibly these nerves are the cause of the pain I am experiencing.

The Neurologist suggested I be referred to Radiation Oncology for radiation treatments to help boost the chemotherapy and reduce the tumor that is pressing against the genitofemoral nerve.  The referral is in place for the consultation at the end of this month.  My hope is the radiation treatments can be worked in the schedule along with my chemotherapy treatments.  I am unsure at this time how this will be handled.

Prior to my Radiation Oncology appointment, I will have my first of two appointments for my Facet Injections.  You may remember I was also referred to Pain Management and it was suggested by them to have 2 appointments for the Facet Injections.

My current chemotherapy sessions result in me being very tired and I also eventually will have an outbreak of mouth sores.

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These mouth sores occurred during my chemotherapy last year and again are occurring with the current chemotherapy.  I do have a solution for the mouth sores that both relieves the pain and helps in healing them, but I usually will have them for 7-10 days.

More appointments and procedures will take place in the upcoming weeks; hopefully these will result in pain relief.

tick away

A year ago in my post ‘Predict our day of death‘, I wrote the following –

On deathclock.com there is ‘The Death Clock’ and the website states –

Welcome to the Death Clock(TM), the Internet’s friendly reminder that life is slipping away… second by second. Like the hourglass of the Net, the Death Clock will remind you just how short life is.

So I proceeded to enter the information, clicked the ‘Check Your Death Clock’ button and received the following –

Your Personal Day of Death is….Saturday, June 10, 2028

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Image Provided by: http://www.deathclock.com

Okay, by this ‘Death Clock’ I will die in 13 years.

September of last year in my post ‘I have been there, done that‘, I wrote the following –

From cancer.net –

This year, an estimated 76,960 adults (58,950 men and 18,010 women) will be diagnosed with bladder cancer in the United States. Among men, bladder cancer is the fourth most common cancer. It is estimated that 16,390 deaths (11,820 men and 4,570 women) from this disease will occur this year.

From cancer.org –

About half of all bladder cancers are first found while the cancer is still confined to the inner layer of the bladder wall. (These are called non-invasive or in situ cancers.) About 1 in 3 bladder cancers have invaded into deeper layers but are still only in the bladder. In most of the remaining cases, the cancer has spread to nearby tissues or lymph nodes outside the bladder. Rarely (in about 4% of cases), it has spread to distant parts of the body.

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My cancer is Stage 4 bladder cancer and I know the statistics.

In today’s post, I write the following –

Will I Die Soon?

The statistics for Stage 4 bladder cancer is I have a 14% to 24% 5-year survival prognosis.  I keep myself informed because this is my body, my cancer and my life and I want to know all the good and bad about what is taking place with me.  Do I sit here and wait for death and not live in the meantime?  No, I want to live as much as I can before that date on the calendar is here.  But I am restricted now on living life to the fullest as I continue my recovery.  The upcoming weeks will reveal what may come next in the subsequent months to follow.

Will I Die Soon?

‘The Death Clock’ indicates I will die in 11 years and my bladder cancer stage and prognosis indicates my chances are slim to live after the next 5 years.

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Whether it be 5 years or 11 years, I need to live in the here and now.  I still have things to learn and more growing needs to take place.  That person I want to be should be now – I do not need to wait until it is too late.  Some of you may not understand this; but it makes perfect sense to me.

I have no idea when my time on this earth is going to end – but it continues to tick away.

Of course, … a course

Of course, I will take a course of action.

Of course, the man took a course in learning the new skill.

Of course, many runners ran a course along the street.

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I admit I was a poor student in school many years ago; honestly, I barely graduated high school and I did not attend college.  I had no interest in Mathematics, Science, Social Studies, English, well you get the idea.  The only subject I excelled in was Band – I was excellent in this subject.

Years later into my adulthood, I would start learning and applying myself to new subjects, topics and ideas.  It was my 30’s and I started to become interested in improving myself and took interest in areas that in my school years I just did not want to comprehend.

Today in my mid 50’s, I still am not an expert at anything, and consider myself above average on subjects taught in school those many years ago.  Since starting this blog 20 months ago, I have written a post every day.  Most my posts are written from my heart, soul and the words flow to written form.  I certainly am not the greatest speaker, well you know that – you have watched and heard many of my videos; so, my writing is not always the best and I know at times I have used grammar incorrectly.

It pleases me that no one corrects me – thank you.

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The posts I write, I read and re-read and proof read before publishing them on WP.  Once published, I read and re-read them again.  I say to myself I have written and published another great post, right?”  Well yes, the post itself could be considered great or good or at lease decent.  But what about the grammar?  Okay, after reading, re-reading, proofing, then reading and re-reading; darn it – I made a mistake.  I hate that, how did that happen?

At times my brain sees and reads something different than what I write.  In past posts, I write about my learning disabilities as a child, my internal struggles with myself; it is all here on my blog somewhere.  I make mistakes, I have shortcomings, and I am no expert at writing.

But I learn and I grow because, at this time in my life I am interested in learning; back in school many years ago, I was not.

What does Of course, … a course have to do with me learning and growing?  I wrote a post back in November; I read and re-read and proof read before publishing and once published, I read and re-read again.  My brain saw and read what it wanted to see other than what I wrote.

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Almost 2 months later, I read the post again; darn it – I made a mistake.  Did any of you catch it?  If you did, no one corrected me – thank you.

I want to correct it today.

The original words –

I respond “Well, Thackerville is in Oklahoma which is a course North of Texas.

The corrected words –

I respond “Well, Thackerville is in Oklahoma which is of course North of Texas.

Or I guess I could have written it this way –

I respond “Well, Thackerville is in Oklahoma which of course, is a course I have driven many times North of Texas.

the day my life changes

Today is the day, the major surgery takes place and the day my life changes.

I will remain grateful as there are others in the world who have much less than me – who have nothing compared to me.

But my body will change and I will change and my life will change.

 

Today is the day, the major surgery takes place and the day my life changes.

I will remain humble as there are others in this world who are experiencing much more than me – much worse than me.

But my body will change and I will change and my life will change.

 

Today is the day, the major surgery takes place and the day my life changes.

I will remain appreciative as there are others in this world who have no others to support them – who have no one there for them.

But my body will change and I will change and my life will change.

 

Today is the day, the major surgery takes place and the day my life changes.

I will remain hopeful as there are others who have less to look forward to – who have nothing positive in their future.

But my body will change and I will change and my life will change.

 

I will be in ICU for a couple of days and then the recovery begins.   

I appreciate everyone taking the time to stop by, read and leave many wonderful comments.  Due to my surgery and not knowing how I will be feeling; I am disabling the comments on my post today.  I need a few days of recovery and to grow accustom to the new me.  But know soon I will have comments enabled and I will be ready to respond to each one of them. 

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My Best Version

I am wrapping-up some topics that I started to write about and never did finish.  This post I started early last year, and then it sat quietly waiting for me to complete it.

Because my OCD tells me that if I start something I must complete it; this also applies to posts I write – I will be bothered if I do not complete them – so, here I am finishing this post and concluding this topic.

This year will bring many different topics to write about and I have a feeling this one will not be one of them and will be left in the past.

So here we go –

In my post ‘BPD; is this me?‘, I wrote the following –

After I wrote this comment, I decided to do some online research on Borderline Personality Disorder, and after reading several websites, “Yes, this is me.”

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I do not recall ever receiving this diagnosis during my therapy years and I found that Borderline Personality Disorder was not an official diagnosable disorder until 1980.  The late 80s and the 90s are the years I received therapy that was really geared more for my depression, what was causing it and how to get through it.  There were never underlining disorders that were treated, but me knowing me and hindsight being 20/20 indicates I most likely had an underlining issue.

So, I decided to diagnosis myself and believe this is just one of many reasons for the person I am today.

In today’s post I write the following –

I have performed some additional research on Borderline Personality Disorder.  And the results are maybe I do not have BPD; maybe I am looking to label myself so that I can help myself – you know, find a cure for myself.  But then again, why do I need a label?  Why not view myself as an individual and work on myself as an individual.  All these years, this is what I have been doing.

Several months ago, I was watching a movie and heard the phrase ‘I spent a lifetime looking for a lifetime.’  That is what I have been doing all these years and I need no label – I am who I am.

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As my wonderful friend and fellow blogger Osyth put it in her magnificent post ‘One shaft of light that shows the way’ –

Death comes to us all and when it does there is no moment to regret the moments that you forgot to be thankful.  So I implore you to put politics aside, squish ill-will, banish anxiety about things you can’t fix and just be the best version of you that you can be.

I am trying to be the best version I can be.  With all my faults, short-comings and defects; I no longer need to label myself with Borderline Personality Disorder or anything else.

Life is short – I will die someday – I will die being the best version I can be.

Controlled Drinking

Okay stay with me – there is some time warping taking place here – I write some thoughts today – then there are thoughts from the past – thoughts from other posts – then back to today.

I sometimes will write a post and for certain reasons will not publish it.  I then will go back to an unpublished post and feel it needs to be published because it is important and relevant today.

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Here is one of those posts; I wrote the following words over a year ago –

This will be the last post I write about drinking!  From my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.18’, I ended with the following –

I was feeling out of control and handled it by drinking everyday as much as I could.  The alcohol changed my behavior from bad to evil.  It was not creating a state of mind that took me away from the craziness I felt: instead it created an evil person that hated life and everything about it.

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In my post ‘Drink, Drink, Drink’, I ended with the following –

Ok, there you have it; I am in the heavy drinking category and have AUD.  On the NIH site I read some questions to ask to assess oneself with AUD.  Of the 11 questions they asked, I answered ‘Yes’ to 1 question.

I ask again “So, am I an alcoholic?”  I guess I may be per the definition of the word – but I answered ‘Yes’ to 1 question indicating I have AUD – I understand the effects of heavy drinking – but I continue to do it anyway.

There is a good article on the goodtherapy.org website titled ‘Stopping at the Buzz: How to Control Your Drinking’ and includes the following –

In my practice as an addiction psychologist, it’s probably the most common question I encounter; when it comes right down to it, it’s what most people who are struggling with alcohol really want to know:

“How can I control my drinking or drug use?”

For some drinkers, controlled drinking or moderate drinking is an option, and for a small portion of the population, about 5%, controlled drinking is nearly impossible. While many people believe “once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic,” many people diagnosed with alcoholism can learn to control their drinking and become social drinkers again. That said, if you have been diagnosed with alcohol dependence, most addiction psychologists, psychiatrists, physicians, social workers, and addiction counselors would strongly recommend abstinence. This is always a very personal decision that should be made with careful consideration of the risks and benefits of drinking versus abstinence.

Okay there you have it – I am controlling my drinking.  I am aware of the risks of long term drinking use, but unlike in my 20s, I have it under control and do not drink for the wrong reasons.  The depression years are over, the stress in my life is reduced, and yes, I still have a few issues in my mind to deal with, but my mind is no longer out of control.

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I have taken the option to control my drinking and to not use it to take me away from reality.

Today, I write and conclude with these words –

The above words I wrote a year ago, and little did I know; I was totally correct about me and my drinking behavior.  I do have it under control as since my cancer diagnosis I have all but quit drinking.  For a time, a few months ago, I stopped drinking because of chemo.  Since my chemo is over, I do drink again, but limit myself.

Do I need to justify my drinking habits to anyone?  I don’t think so, but I just did.

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(Note: recently no alcohol intake is taking place due to antibiotics and pain medication intake.  With a major surgery scheduled in 3 weeks, the continued practice of not drinking will continue.)

‘I have been there, done that’

Over the past couple of months, I have had mixed emotions at times when dealing with my current health situation.  Immediately prior to starting chemotherapy, I had anxiety and concern and I knew this was okay and to be expected.

As I continued through these past weeks with my emotions very often one of strength and positivity, I have written about my journey so far with my cancer, my treatment and the possible future.  I do not want to leave anything out, it will all be here; the good and the bad, the weak and the strong, it will all be here.

This blog is about my life.  My life right now is cancer and I am making a big deal out of it.  But many people on this world have cancer, so why is mine any more important than theirs?  I tell myself at times others that have experienced cancer or know someone that has; well maybe are thinking in their minds that I overdo my emotions, my thinking or reactions.

I tell myself, those others who know cancer may have the thinking “I have been there, done that”, and maybe those other people know more than I and therefore “he (meaning me), overreacts”.  My point is I am dealing with my cancer the best I can, that which is me and a part of me – with what I have learned up to this point.  It is my life.  I read other blog posts with people writing about their struggles and I tell myself, “I have been there, done that.”  And I could respond with my personal experience or ‘tips’, ‘suggestions’, or the ‘solution’ to their problem – like I really know the answer to their struggles!

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I do feel that it is my responsibility as a reader to read what the writer is putting down in print that which is their thinking, their feelings, their emotions and their life.  This is what I am doing here.

From cancer.net –

This year, an estimated 76,960 adults (58,950 men and 18,010 women) will be diagnosed with bladder cancer in the United States. Among men, bladder cancer is the fourth most common cancer. It is estimated that 16,390 deaths (11,820 men and 4,570 women) from this disease will occur this year.

From cancer.org –

About half of all bladder cancers are first found while the cancer is still confined to the inner layer of the bladder wall. (These are called non-invasive or in situ cancers.) About 1 in 3 bladder cancers have invaded into deeper layers but are still only in the bladder. In most of the remaining cases, the cancer has spread to nearby tissues or lymph nodes outside the bladder. Rarely (in about 4% of cases), it has spread to distant parts of the body.

My cancer is Stage 4 bladder cancer and I know the statistics.

This blog is about my life.  My life right now is cancer and I am making a big deal out of it.  But many people on this world have cancer, so why is mine more important than theirs?