can’t escape challenges – a Visual Recite

I have added a new category to my blog titled ‘a Visual Recite’.

I have taken many pictures over the years and I share them with you with a recite.

(I disabled comments today, I need more time to respond to Monday’s heartfelt comments that you left me.  I also need time to adjust back home and the changes needed as I continue my heath care here at home.  Thank you my friends for your understanding.)

Image1

can’t escape challenges  –

I feel like life is really short, and it’s important to enjoy yourself and embrace whatever comes your way, whether it’s a challenging day or a great day, just welcome it with open arms. No matter who you are, you can’t escape challenges; they are part of life.

–          Miranda Kerr

Who Needs Vitameatavegamin?

Well, maybe Lucy did those many years ago – but not me.

No, I just need testosterone.  With my most recent issue with the blockage between my small and large intestines, I was not eating.  I was therefore receiving no nutrients into my body to maintain a good health in many ways.  This is where Vitameatavegamin comes into play – my secret to a healthy lifestyle.  Seriously, I am making light of a serious situation.

No Vitameatavegamin for me, but I am taking testosterone.  My testosterone levels were lower than the average woman.  Do I see a difference?  No, and I most likely will not for a while, it takes a while to build the testosterone levels back up.

So, testosterone for me and some other important nutrients to build back levels that were lost during my weeks of non-eating.

Who Needs Vitameatavegamin?

Comments are disabled today.

with each new breath

My friends this past week I have had unexpected change in plans.

After my appointment last Tuesday with Dr. C., he decided to admit me into the hospital.

Since then, much has taken place and this weekend I have more family visiting.

I plan to post everyday – this is my goal.

For the next several days, I have a favor to ask.

I need some rest, some time to catchup on me.

Comments are disabled today.

Image1

This image was taken October of last year.

As time passes, so can better times, so do our lives, so did my better health.

I beg with each new breath, take me back to a healthier time and to a better place in my life.

the option to kill myself

Past weeks, months; I have written about my pain – the seeming never ending pain.

Is the pain because the cancer that is invading my Lymph Nodes are pressing against nerves?

image3

Image Provided by: shoppermagazine.es

Is the pain because of the position I was in during a lengthy 10 ½ surgery placed too much pressure on specific nerves?

These questions are possible reasons and there can be others as well.

I am in pain every minute of every day and at times the pain is so severe, I want to die.

Those times of severe pain the thought of suicide crosses my mind – I want to do it – I want to kill myself.

February of last year, I wrote a post ‘suicide – it sounds peaceful, it sounds calm‘, in which I wrote the following words –

It sounds peaceful, it sounds calm, it sounds internal; it sounds like something that’s good to me, something that I want.  But as long as I am still here I am not going to commit suicide – I will not do it.  And though my mind tells me it is an option, there is that conscience part of me that says no, it is not an option.  And I struggle with this still; but it will not ever happen and I will keep fighting the good fight and I will keep continuing to move forward.

October of 2015, I wrote a post ‘I am not afraid to die‘, in which I wrote the following words –

I will be totally honest with you my readers – today the thought of killing me still occasionally crosses my mind and there are times I wish I were dead.   But the act of me intentionally killing me will not take place.  No matter the struggles I still have in my life; I understand the taking of my own life is not the way for me to deal with these struggles.  I believe all of us are on this earth for a reason, and no matter the struggles we encounter; we all have strength within ourselves to overcome, to move forward and to survive.  Sometimes that strength can be buried under all the burdens of despair and anguish and finding it can be difficult.

Back to today –

I attempted suicide in my 20s; about 30 years ago, and this act has and still is a constant thought on my mind.

Image2

Image Provided by: http://www.istockphoto.com

In one of my many posts here on my blog, I wrote about a memory I have when I was a very young child.  I was likely anywhere from 10 to 12 years old.  I remember wanting to die and walking into the kitchen and reaching for a knife.  I remember wanting to stab myself with that knife and killing myself; ending it all.

I am in my 50s now and those thoughts of killing myself and ending it all continue to be strong today.  Especially now, with times of pain so great the tears from my eyes can fill buckets and those thoughts of killing myself are so very strong.

And I have pills; lots of pills that can help with that – but still today I fight that urge – I remind myself; killing me, this is not an option.

Fluid

Last Friday, in my post ‘appointments and procedures‘, I wrote the following –

The Neurologist suggested I be referred to Radiation Oncology for radiation treatments to help boost the chemotherapy and reduce the tumor that is pressing against the genitofemoral nerve.  The referral is in place for the consultation at the end of this month.  My hope is the radiation treatments can be worked in the schedule along with my chemotherapy treatments.  I am unsure at this time how this will be handled.

Prior to my Radiation Oncology appointment, I will have my first of two appointments for my Facet Injections.  You may remember I was also referred to Pain Management and it was suggested by them to have 2 appointments for the Facet Injections.

In today’s post, I write the following –

Some posts I published in the past couple of weeks included bad days due to pain, despair, guilt, weakness, unhappiness, death and tears.  There for a while I was very down, even to a point of depression.  This period of time was short and now I am in a better place.  I remain optimistic the next couple of weeks will bring some relief in the pain that has dominated my life for months now.

UPDATE – (as of this morning)

I wrote and completed this post earlier this week and as of yesterday it was ready to be published.  I mentioned in yesterday’s post that my life is fluid and changes daily and even sometimes many times a day.

Here is a rundown of unexpected events that occurred in the past couple of days.  Tuesday night I was in so much pain, nothing was helping and I was at my lowest point and just wanted to die, even if it meant doing it myself.  No need to worry my friends, I learned years ago suicide is not an option – therefore this will never occur.

Wednesday morning, Gary calls and speaks with a nurse at Moffitt Cancer Center to discuss my pain becoming worse and what I am experiencing; he asks that my Oncologist Dr. L. be informed.  Wednesday evening, we receive a call from Dr. L. and I discuss with him my current concerns with my health and that I am at the point I just cannot continue living with this much pain.  He was informed of the increase in pain medication and of other issues my body is currently experiencing.

He is concerned about what he hears and immediately places requests for blood work, CAT Scan and appointment to see him for the next day and that I should receive a call the following day after 8:00 AM.  I responded with a sincere thank you for his call and listening to my concerns and for his prompt response to have tests and see him the next day.

Thursday morning, 7:55 AM, I receive a call from Moffitt Cancer Center for the times of my appointments for that day.  Midday we arrive and promptly the blood work and CAT Scan are completed.  (this is after I had to drink my oral contrast liquid – yummy)

Then we meet with Dr. L. to discuss some of my history and the current pain I am experiencing.  I let him know the pain has increased and my daily quality of life is poor.  A physical exam is performed and then we receive the results of the CAT Scan.

The CAT Scan results indicate the current chemotherapy is NOT working – some Lymph Nodes previously identified as having cancer are now larger.

My life is currently fluid.

20170416_194313

Negative, out of me

I write posts about my life, my experiences, my feelings & emotions and my cancer.

I am very prepared and have posts written in advanced; so, sometimes when I publish a post, it could be a week ago I wrote it or sometimes even longer.

Why am I telling you this?

Because my life like others is fluid and changes daily and even sometimes many times a day.

Negative, ‘downer’ posts as I refer to them have been dominating my blog lately.

I felt after yesterday’s post, I needed to explain.

Thank you for your time.

20170416_194313 (2)

Negative, out of me –

appointments and procedures

In last Friday’s post ‘Cancer, Pain & Guilt‘, I wrote the following words –

Next week I see a Neurologist and I hope with that appointment to find the source of my nerve pain.  I am also hoping to find some relieve from this pain without having to continue to take a great deal of pain medication.

In today’s post, I write the following words –

Image1

Image Provided by: note.taable.com

You remember the reason for starting chemotherapy again is because my cancer had spread into my lymph nodes both in the thoracic area and lumbar area.

Since my surgery back in January I have experienced several types of pain in my lower back that radiate out into the legs and upper back.

I had asked my Oncologist Dr. L. if my cancer was causing this pain and he indicated to me no.  The main pain in the lower back feels like it is in my bones, specially my pelvis.  A bone scan concluded there was no cancer in my bones.  Another pain I have is a stinging pain starting in the lower back that radiates down my legs, specifically on my right side.

Both these pains have increased over the past many weeks and pain medications have increased as well.  My quality of life has decreased because I am unable to do many easy activities without having pain associated with it.

20170416_194313 (2)This past Tuesday, I had my appointment with the Neurologist.  After providing information and performing some basic activities and upon reviewing my most recent scans; it was determined that one of the tumors on my lymph nodes closes to my spine is pressing against my genitofemoral nerve.  The neurologist report also indicated due to my lengthy 10 ½ hours surgery; pressure was placed on my lateral femoral cutaneous nerve.  So possibly these nerves are the cause of the pain I am experiencing.

The Neurologist suggested I be referred to Radiation Oncology for radiation treatments to help boost the chemotherapy and reduce the tumor that is pressing against the genitofemoral nerve.  The referral is in place for the consultation at the end of this month.  My hope is the radiation treatments can be worked in the schedule along with my chemotherapy treatments.  I am unsure at this time how this will be handled.

Prior to my Radiation Oncology appointment, I will have my first of two appointments for my Facet Injections.  You may remember I was also referred to Pain Management and it was suggested by them to have 2 appointments for the Facet Injections.

My current chemotherapy sessions result in me being very tired and I also eventually will have an outbreak of mouth sores.

Image2

Image Provided by: moffitt.org

These mouth sores occurred during my chemotherapy last year and again are occurring with the current chemotherapy.  I do have a solution for the mouth sores that both relieves the pain and helps in healing them, but I usually will have them for 7-10 days.

More appointments and procedures will take place in the upcoming weeks; hopefully these will result in pain relief.

tick away

A year ago in my post ‘Predict our day of death‘, I wrote the following –

On deathclock.com there is ‘The Death Clock’ and the website states –

Welcome to the Death Clock(TM), the Internet’s friendly reminder that life is slipping away… second by second. Like the hourglass of the Net, the Death Clock will remind you just how short life is.

So I proceeded to enter the information, clicked the ‘Check Your Death Clock’ button and received the following –

Your Personal Day of Death is….Saturday, June 10, 2028

Image1

Image Provided by: http://www.deathclock.com

Okay, by this ‘Death Clock’ I will die in 13 years.

September of last year in my post ‘I have been there, done that‘, I wrote the following –

From cancer.net –

This year, an estimated 76,960 adults (58,950 men and 18,010 women) will be diagnosed with bladder cancer in the United States. Among men, bladder cancer is the fourth most common cancer. It is estimated that 16,390 deaths (11,820 men and 4,570 women) from this disease will occur this year.

From cancer.org –

About half of all bladder cancers are first found while the cancer is still confined to the inner layer of the bladder wall. (These are called non-invasive or in situ cancers.) About 1 in 3 bladder cancers have invaded into deeper layers but are still only in the bladder. In most of the remaining cases, the cancer has spread to nearby tissues or lymph nodes outside the bladder. Rarely (in about 4% of cases), it has spread to distant parts of the body.

image3

Image Provided by: of.sucrap.com

My cancer is Stage 4 bladder cancer and I know the statistics.

In today’s post, I write the following –

Will I Die Soon?

The statistics for Stage 4 bladder cancer is I have a 14% to 24% 5-year survival prognosis.  I keep myself informed because this is my body, my cancer and my life and I want to know all the good and bad about what is taking place with me.  Do I sit here and wait for death and not live in the meantime?  No, I want to live as much as I can before that date on the calendar is here.  But I am restricted now on living life to the fullest as I continue my recovery.  The upcoming weeks will reveal what may come next in the subsequent months to follow.

Will I Die Soon?

‘The Death Clock’ indicates I will die in 11 years and my bladder cancer stage and prognosis indicates my chances are slim to live after the next 5 years.

Image2

Image Provided by: http://www.pinterest.com

Whether it be 5 years or 11 years, I need to live in the here and now.  I still have things to learn and more growing needs to take place.  That person I want to be should be now – I do not need to wait until it is too late.  Some of you may not understand this; but it makes perfect sense to me.

I have no idea when my time on this earth is going to end – but it continues to tick away.

Of course, … a course

Of course, I will take a course of action.

Of course, the man took a course in learning the new skill.

Of course, many runners ran a course along the street.

Sunshine Blogger Award Border

I admit I was a poor student in school many years ago; honestly, I barely graduated high school and I did not attend college.  I had no interest in Mathematics, Science, Social Studies, English, well you get the idea.  The only subject I excelled in was Band – I was excellent in this subject.

Years later into my adulthood, I would start learning and applying myself to new subjects, topics and ideas.  It was my 30’s and I started to become interested in improving myself and took interest in areas that in my school years I just did not want to comprehend.

Today in my mid 50’s, I still am not an expert at anything, and consider myself above average on subjects taught in school those many years ago.  Since starting this blog 20 months ago, I have written a post every day.  Most my posts are written from my heart, soul and the words flow to written form.  I certainly am not the greatest speaker, well you know that – you have watched and heard many of my videos; so, my writing is not always the best and I know at times I have used grammar incorrectly.

It pleases me that no one corrects me – thank you.

Sunshine Blogger Award Border

The posts I write, I read and re-read and proof read before publishing them on WP.  Once published, I read and re-read them again.  I say to myself I have written and published another great post, right?”  Well yes, the post itself could be considered great or good or at lease decent.  But what about the grammar?  Okay, after reading, re-reading, proofing, then reading and re-reading; darn it – I made a mistake.  I hate that, how did that happen?

At times my brain sees and reads something different than what I write.  In past posts, I write about my learning disabilities as a child, my internal struggles with myself; it is all here on my blog somewhere.  I make mistakes, I have shortcomings, and I am no expert at writing.

But I learn and I grow because, at this time in my life I am interested in learning; back in school many years ago, I was not.

What does Of course, … a course have to do with me learning and growing?  I wrote a post back in November; I read and re-read and proof read before publishing and once published, I read and re-read again.  My brain saw and read what it wanted to see other than what I wrote.

Sunshine Blogger Award Border

Almost 2 months later, I read the post again; darn it – I made a mistake.  Did any of you catch it?  If you did, no one corrected me – thank you.

I want to correct it today.

The original words –

I respond “Well, Thackerville is in Oklahoma which is a course North of Texas.

The corrected words –

I respond “Well, Thackerville is in Oklahoma which is of course North of Texas.

Or I guess I could have written it this way –

I respond “Well, Thackerville is in Oklahoma which of course, is a course I have driven many times North of Texas.

the day my life changes

Today is the day, the major surgery takes place and the day my life changes.

I will remain grateful as there are others in the world who have much less than me – who have nothing compared to me.

But my body will change and I will change and my life will change.

 

Today is the day, the major surgery takes place and the day my life changes.

I will remain humble as there are others in this world who are experiencing much more than me – much worse than me.

But my body will change and I will change and my life will change.

 

Today is the day, the major surgery takes place and the day my life changes.

I will remain appreciative as there are others in this world who have no others to support them – who have no one there for them.

But my body will change and I will change and my life will change.

 

Today is the day, the major surgery takes place and the day my life changes.

I will remain hopeful as there are others who have less to look forward to – who have nothing positive in their future.

But my body will change and I will change and my life will change.

 

I will be in ICU for a couple of days and then the recovery begins.   

I appreciate everyone taking the time to stop by, read and leave many wonderful comments.  Due to my surgery and not knowing how I will be feeling; I am disabling the comments on my post today.  I need a few days of recovery and to grow accustom to the new me.  But know soon I will have comments enabled and I will be ready to respond to each one of them. 

20161212_160132