Failed

In last Friday’s post ‘for as long as possible‘, I wrote the following –

It is Friday and today is the day I am looking for pain relief – today is the day I receive my Superior Hypogastric Nerve Block procedure.  I certainly will update you next week with how I feel and the results of this procedure.

Next Monday I start my radiation treatments; another potential for pain relief.  I have no expectations concerning the radiation, except I want something good to come from it.

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In today’s post, I write the following –

Friday as I am being prepared for the procedure upon taking with the doctor, I find out this procedure will not be a simulation.  The simulation would only last a couple of days and if it worked, then I would go back and have the actual procedure for the long term relief.  This procedure should provide long term relief which may be a couple of weeks or a couple of months.

The procedure takes place and immediately I do not feel any difference.  Considering they gave me pain medication during the procedure, I thought I would be feeling no pain at all.  The pain was just as significant as before the procedure; Gary and I felt very disappointed.  Gary sees what I go through each day and he is frustrated the doctors cannot find the source of the pain.  He asks the doctor who performed the procedure to contact my Oncologist Dr. L. to see if there are any other tests that can be performed – there must be something they have missed for me to be feeling this amount of pain.  Dr. L indicates there are no other tests and the radiation treatment that starts on Monday should help with reducing the pain.

It is Friday evening and as usual my pain is great and I am feeling little to no difference in my pain level several hours after the procedure was done.  I take my usual amount of evening pills and prepare myself for another rough night.  The nightly routine is Gary sleeps in the bed and I sleep on the recliner.  I am unable to lie flat in the bed without feeling significate pain.  The recliner provides me some relief because I can position myself lightly upright, which takes pressure off my lower back pain.

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I am sitting in the recliner preparing myself for another night’s sleep and Gary is sitting in a chair next to me and I begin to cry.  He places his hand on mine and I tell him, I feel like I am dying and my body is starting to shut down and I will not be around much longer.

I say to him ‘I have failed you.’

the option to kill myself

Past weeks, months; I have written about my pain – the seeming never ending pain.

Is the pain because the cancer that is invading my Lymph Nodes are pressing against nerves?

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Is the pain because of the position I was in during a lengthy 10 ½ surgery placed too much pressure on specific nerves?

These questions are possible reasons and there can be others as well.

I am in pain every minute of every day and at times the pain is so severe, I want to die.

Those times of severe pain the thought of suicide crosses my mind – I want to do it – I want to kill myself.

February of last year, I wrote a post ‘suicide – it sounds peaceful, it sounds calm‘, in which I wrote the following words –

It sounds peaceful, it sounds calm, it sounds internal; it sounds like something that’s good to me, something that I want.  But as long as I am still here I am not going to commit suicide – I will not do it.  And though my mind tells me it is an option, there is that conscience part of me that says no, it is not an option.  And I struggle with this still; but it will not ever happen and I will keep fighting the good fight and I will keep continuing to move forward.

October of 2015, I wrote a post ‘I am not afraid to die‘, in which I wrote the following words –

I will be totally honest with you my readers – today the thought of killing me still occasionally crosses my mind and there are times I wish I were dead.   But the act of me intentionally killing me will not take place.  No matter the struggles I still have in my life; I understand the taking of my own life is not the way for me to deal with these struggles.  I believe all of us are on this earth for a reason, and no matter the struggles we encounter; we all have strength within ourselves to overcome, to move forward and to survive.  Sometimes that strength can be buried under all the burdens of despair and anguish and finding it can be difficult.

Back to today –

I attempted suicide in my 20s; about 30 years ago, and this act has and still is a constant thought on my mind.

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In one of my many posts here on my blog, I wrote about a memory I have when I was a very young child.  I was likely anywhere from 10 to 12 years old.  I remember wanting to die and walking into the kitchen and reaching for a knife.  I remember wanting to stab myself with that knife and killing myself; ending it all.

I am in my 50s now and those thoughts of killing myself and ending it all continue to be strong today.  Especially now, with times of pain so great the tears from my eyes can fill buckets and those thoughts of killing myself are so very strong.

And I have pills; lots of pills that can help with that – but still today I fight that urge – I remind myself; killing me, this is not an option.

..just to put death off

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It has been written in a comment on this very blog that I think about death too often.  I responded with a comment, that I do not think I do and just keep it in my mind to remind myself to live each day to the fullest one day at a time.

It could be I do think about death too often.

It many early posts, I wrote about my ‘depression years’, my struggles with life and myself and my attempted suicides and psychiatric hospital stay and years & years of therapy and so much more.  It is all here on my blog somewhere and honestly I think ‘it’ will be forgotten about someday.

That ‘it’ is my writings, these posts, this blog and me.

Recently I have thought about death again; it is on my mind.  Folks, my body is tired and my mind is tired and I do not look forward much to anything.  I know I need to look ahead and think positive and find the strength; but that part of me that battled me down so many, many years ago, wants to do it again.  My life is so very different than 30 years ago; I am wiser and I have more knowledge and I have someone who truly cares for me.

But here I am again thinking about death – the ending of my life.

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The difference is this time, I will not attempt to take my own life, no I did learn something those decades ago.  Does it make sense that if I become pessimistic and down that I am giving cancer control and therefore I am committing suicide?

I do at times feel my death is near, maybe not in the very near future, but in the not so distant future.

There are countless posts with me writing about being strong, optimistic and trying to be a good person and live a good life.  I struggle and fail many days and want to give up or give in and say to hell with it.  We all are going to die someday – why do I want to fight just to extend my life?

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I feel at times it does not really matter to others and especially to myself.

I do not want to die before my parents do and I do not want to die before Gary.  Not that I want any of them to die soon, but I do not want to put them through having to deal with my death.  I think that sounds selfish on my part.

I think about the whole purpose in life, why are we here, what should I be learning about in this thing called life?

I do not understand it, and yes, at times I want it to end.

But, being selfish and wanting it to end sooner than later – what does that accomplish?

I believe it accomplishes nothing – than again being optimistic, receiving treatment for cancer and overcoming another struggle just to put death off a little longer – what does that accomplish?

goodbyes or Thank You

I have in the past had dreams where I woke up and voice recorded what I remember about the dream.  A couple of months ago, I had one of those dreams and though I did not remember a great deal of detail about the dream, I went ahead and voice recorded what I did remember.  It was an important dream, because it involved all of my family and I felt it had significance.

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What was is about and what is its significance?

I was in a large room and all my family were there, everyone.  There were my sons and my parents and my siblings.  There also were my aunts, uncles and cousins, nieces and nephews.  And one other person was there; no longer considered family, but she was there – my ex-wife.

I am approaching each one of them and grasping their hands and hugging them and having a brief chat.  I have no recall what these discussions were about, but I felt it was the last time I was going to see them.  This whole event appeared to everyone including me as not a big deal, it was not exciting nor somber; there was no laughter and there were no tears – it just was the family being together.

Amongst all the family members in line, also standing there is my oldest son, and I bypassed him; I felt I had nothing to say to him.

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You may remember back in March I wrote a post ‘ESTRANGED‘, and I concluded with the following –

One of my sons calls on a regular basis – thank you son.  The other two sons do not call me and in the past I would call them, but now no longer do I call. 

These 2 sons I saw at Thanksgiving and they were aware of my surgery.  These 2 sons I have not heard from since my surgery.  These 2 sons I have not spoken with since Thanksgiving.

Are we estranged?

Again, I just do not understand why?

In the past, I had asked myself, what did I do or not do to deserve the absence from my life; the no communication and the appearance of not caring?

Again, I refuse to blame myself any longer. 

Again, I refuse to cry anymore tears.

In today’s post, I conclude with the following –

Since this dream took place, I have spoken with both of these sons and will write about in a future post.  But in this dream, why did I not acknowledge the oldest son?  And what was this dream about?

Is the dream about me saying my goodbyes before I die?

Is the dream about me saying “Thank You” for your thoughts and prayers that have now brought me to being healthy once again?

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I decided to not put more thought into interpreting this dream; I do not think there is a need to.

Perhaps at the time of this dream, I was still blaming myself and angry, especially at my oldest son.  My relationship is different with him than the other two and our differences and similarities go back a long way.

I do believe my sons truly care about me.  It maybe they just do not know how to display it.

Dying Before You

I only write for myself here on my blog.  Based on comments, some readers understand me and others do not.  But then again, some readers are learning, while others are just reading.

My posts make perfect sense to me, but to others may be just a collection of ramblings.

Gary and I have conversations about the future.  These conversations are more about the immediate future; but the further out future is sometimes discussed as well.  You see, we discuss the immediate future; the coming months – because there are some unknowns and there are some plans.

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Sometimes our conversations discuss the further out future that may or may not include me.  I have an appointment tomorrow to discuss what is next regarding my battle with cancer.  The appointment will determine the immediate future and the further out future.

But before tomorrow’s appointment, sometimes our conversations discuss the further out future.  Gary and I do not deny what could happen and what will happen.  We all are going to die someday, that is a given – will I die soon, in the immediate future or the further out future?

Gary and I discuss the possibility of me dying before him.  During these discussions, he tells me that if he is left alone, he would do nothing and be nothing.  I want him to live his life to the fullest and not sit alone and not enjoy life.

One evening we had this discussion and later I went to bed for the night.  As I laid there with these thoughts in my head, I became angry.  Why was I angry?

I was angry for several reasons.  Besides our discussion that particular evening, I also watched one of my weekly television program series.  This episode centered around a young woman who had Stage 4 Cancer and was terminal.  She made friends with an unlikely person and the episode ended with this new friend telling her to keep fighting the battle each day, be strong and never give up; fight each and every day.

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When I am feeling weak, I want to give up and then there are days I fight.

I want to be around to take care of Gary in the future.  And I remind myself, he needs me just as much as I need him.

But we all are going to die anyway, someday, right?

I feel pain every day and I continue to be physically weak and slow.  My body most times dictates my mind and I become emotionally weak, down and angry.

I am angry that I might not be around to take care of Gary.  He talks about being by himself and being alone and not doing anything, once I am gone.

I don’t want him to do that

Maybe I am angry because I am going to die sooner than him and not be able to take care of him.

I am not doing well at taking care of myself – maybe that is why I am angry

I know – be strong every single day.

Be strong and keep fighting.

But, we are all going to die anyway, someday, right?

tick away

A year ago in my post ‘Predict our day of death‘, I wrote the following –

On deathclock.com there is ‘The Death Clock’ and the website states –

Welcome to the Death Clock(TM), the Internet’s friendly reminder that life is slipping away… second by second. Like the hourglass of the Net, the Death Clock will remind you just how short life is.

So I proceeded to enter the information, clicked the ‘Check Your Death Clock’ button and received the following –

Your Personal Day of Death is….Saturday, June 10, 2028

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Okay, by this ‘Death Clock’ I will die in 13 years.

September of last year in my post ‘I have been there, done that‘, I wrote the following –

From cancer.net –

This year, an estimated 76,960 adults (58,950 men and 18,010 women) will be diagnosed with bladder cancer in the United States. Among men, bladder cancer is the fourth most common cancer. It is estimated that 16,390 deaths (11,820 men and 4,570 women) from this disease will occur this year.

From cancer.org –

About half of all bladder cancers are first found while the cancer is still confined to the inner layer of the bladder wall. (These are called non-invasive or in situ cancers.) About 1 in 3 bladder cancers have invaded into deeper layers but are still only in the bladder. In most of the remaining cases, the cancer has spread to nearby tissues or lymph nodes outside the bladder. Rarely (in about 4% of cases), it has spread to distant parts of the body.

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My cancer is Stage 4 bladder cancer and I know the statistics.

In today’s post, I write the following –

Will I Die Soon?

The statistics for Stage 4 bladder cancer is I have a 14% to 24% 5-year survival prognosis.  I keep myself informed because this is my body, my cancer and my life and I want to know all the good and bad about what is taking place with me.  Do I sit here and wait for death and not live in the meantime?  No, I want to live as much as I can before that date on the calendar is here.  But I am restricted now on living life to the fullest as I continue my recovery.  The upcoming weeks will reveal what may come next in the subsequent months to follow.

Will I Die Soon?

‘The Death Clock’ indicates I will die in 11 years and my bladder cancer stage and prognosis indicates my chances are slim to live after the next 5 years.

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Whether it be 5 years or 11 years, I need to live in the here and now.  I still have things to learn and more growing needs to take place.  That person I want to be should be now – I do not need to wait until it is too late.  Some of you may not understand this; but it makes perfect sense to me.

I have no idea when my time on this earth is going to end – but it continues to tick away.

One More Try

There are countless posts on my blog written about life; the whys, the what’s and the reasons.

Why do we live?

Why do we suffer?

Why do we die?

What is the meaning of life?

What is it we need to do?

What is the meaning of death?

Reasons to live life to the fullest.

Reasons to stop and smell the roses.

Reasons to not fear death.

I have many questions, I always have, and along the way I feel I received some answers; but then again, more questions came from those answers.

Many times, I publish posts about certain topics and will include a link to other posts for those that might be interested in reading them.  My posts about life, the meaning of it, death, learning and other topics from my mind can be found in the category ‘Attitudes, Feelings and Views‘.

I always stated this blog is about me and my life; and many posts I have written mention my faults and weaknesses.  I am far from perfect and at one time in my life I thought I was supposed to be.  I overcame that thought and realized I just will put forth the effort to be a better person each day.  Each day I grow, sometimes just a little bit; but I grow.  Each day I move forward; towards being a better person and towards death.

Last month, I published a post ‘Faith‘, where I wrote about the impact of George Michael’s album had on me at a difficult time in my life several decades ago.  His album Faith was important to me at a time I needed something to hold on to.  During many times in my life, I have needed some sort of faith.  Depending on where I was in my live; what trials and tribulations were taking place or the demons I had around me – sometimes faith appeared when I least expected it.   Many times, faith was a message that came from someone else and over the course of my life, that message came in the form of a song.

A song from George Michael’s album Faith is titled One More Try and includes the following lyrics –

I’ve had enough of danger

And people on the streets

I’m looking out for angels

Just trying to find some peace

‘Cause teacher

There are things that I don’t want to learn

And the last one I had

Made me cry

This song One More Try is about a relationship with another person.  But could it also be about a relationship with God or ourselves?

There are many different teachers in my life who have taught many different lessons.

Times in my life god and believes taught me.

I have taught myself.

My mom, dad, husband and many others have taught me – including George Michael.

And though I have learned many things in life and improved myself and became a better person with each passing day, year and decade – I still have questions.

As I continue to ask the questions and continue to make mistakes and stumble, I am given one more try.

That teacher; whoever or whatever it is – continues to give me one more try.

(Note: my responses to your comments will be delayed this week.  Please understand I continue to be in recovery mode and am moving slow.)

‘Faith’

George, you bring tears to my eyes.

George Michael died several days ago, and my tears continue to flow.

Back in January of this year I wrote a post ‘we do know them, and we grieve‘; it concluded with the following –

laurajack.com has an article titled ‘Why do we cry when famous people die?‘ and includes the following –

This begs the question, why do we cry when famous people die?

As they say at the Grief Recovery Institute, we do know them, we just haven’t met them in person.  We all have an emotional relationship with people who we admire, and perhaps even hope to meet them one day.  Therefore, when they die, we grieve because we have a emotional relationship with them that feels incomplete.

Grief is part of our evolution as humans.  Without loss and grief, we don’t grow.  Experiencing sadness, heart-ache, fear or any other emotion, is part of life, as hard as it may be sometimes.  It is what allows us to continue to transform.

So, whether we lose a family member or a person we admired, grief is normal.  Allow yourself and others to feel and be compassionate and loving because that is what we need to heal.

In today’s post, I needed to write the following –

George, you bring tears to my eyes.

George Michael died several days ago, and my tears continue to flow.

As indicated in the above article, I have an emotional relationship with George Michael and I am grieving because he is gone.  But he was just a singer and artist; a person with great talent – there are many others that fit this same description.

I published a post November 2015 titled ‘My Time in a Psychiatric Hospital‘, in which I wrote about my experience in a psychiatric hospital and my feelings and views about this time in my life.  This event in my life occurred in the late 1980s and was one of many turning points in my life that led me here today.  With much time on my hands while in the psychiatric hospital, I listened to music.

I have memories today of that time in my life and the music I listened to was significant to me as I felt at times it was created just for me at that time in my life.  There was a singer and artist of that time who had a very successful selling album titled ‘Faith’.

Depression years led me to attempt suicide that led me to a psychiatric hospital; that ultimately led me here today.

I needed ‘Faith’ back then, those many years ago, and I still do today.

George, you brought tears to my eyes back many years ago.

George, you bring tears to my eyes still today.

George Michael died several days ago, and my tears continue to flow.

Steven Hall Grimnes

I searched the internet for him and his story.

I found some information on ‘The National Archives’ website, but no information I did not already know.

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Who is this person, and what is his story?

I know the Name, the Rank, the Branch of Service, the Wars, the Time Lived; but I do not know anything else.

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But there are thousands upon thousands who rest in peace and who are recognized a few times a year for their life and their time serving us.

My husband served and saw some action and my son serves and saw no action.

Many others have served and are serving that were in action; and many died in action – still many never to return from action.

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As I currently live on the Naval Air Station (NAS) Pensacola, Florida; I drive by the area of land almost every day.

Upon returning from our recent trip, I once again drove by; but this time it was different – because of the season.

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Rows upon rows of them, garnished with wreaths and bows of red to mark the season.

I stood in awe at the site and it reminded me of the sacrifices these individuals made and still make today.

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Let us not forget about those serving in the military and are away from family this time of the year.

Let us not forget about those that have served and who rest in peace in our national cemeteries across this great land.

Who are these people, and what are their stories?

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One more thing?

Why did I start my blog when I did?  I wanted to write down my thoughts and feelings and write a book.  Did I start it when I did because subconsciously I knew my life would be coming to an end soon due to cancer?

Will the cancer I have potentially take my life?  Is the reason I started my blog a year and a half ago; so, my thoughts, my life, my events, my experiences would be in writing?

Do we know subconsciously when we are going to die?

My grandmother was 99 years old and was weak when her sister-in-law decided to come visit.  They had not seen each other for decades, as their ages had prevented them from doing much traveling.  But my grandmother who was weak, waiting until her sister-in-law came to visit; she had one more thing to do.  After the visit she said it was time and she died within a few days.

Gary’s dad waited for the lawyer to come over to the house to sign the updated Will that morning.  Upon the leaving of the lawyer, he died within a few hours later.  It was as if he knew his time had arrived but needed to do one more thing before leaving this world.

Is my one more thing this blog?  It could be, then again, I have no idea what my one more thing is.  Do I feel that I am going to die soon?  Hum, good question; sometimes my answer is yes.

There are many posts here on my blog, including those posts about my suicide attempts in my 20s.  I have written several posts about suicide and death.  And there are posts I have written about dying and leaving something behind.  Are these posts and the posts recounting events of decades ago and the posts about events of current; are they my one more thing?

It was September of last year when it started – the health issue, it was noticed then – the day before my son #3’s wedding.  Before the first diagnosis, I knew it was cancer when others suggested it was not.  I know my body well enough and it was telling me something – I knew what that something was.  Then came the first surgery and a few months later would be the second surgery.  I knew before that second surgery it would not be the last one and it would not be the end – there was more to come – and soon!  I felt it, I knew it, my body was telling me there would be more to come.

The more to come is here and at times I feel it is my last thing: my one more thing.  I remain optimistic and realistic; as I plan to be here for a while longer.  But I feel there is more to come concerning my health, my cancer – and soon.  I feel it, I know it, my body is telling me there is more to come.  Am I pessimistic?  No, I do not think so, because I know my body well enough and it is telling me something.

Is this blog my one more thing?

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