tick away

A year ago in my post ‘Predict our day of death‘, I wrote the following –

On deathclock.com there is ‘The Death Clock’ and the website states –

Welcome to the Death Clock(TM), the Internet’s friendly reminder that life is slipping away… second by second. Like the hourglass of the Net, the Death Clock will remind you just how short life is.

So I proceeded to enter the information, clicked the ‘Check Your Death Clock’ button and received the following –

Your Personal Day of Death is….Saturday, June 10, 2028

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Image Provided by: http://www.deathclock.com

Okay, by this ‘Death Clock’ I will die in 13 years.

September of last year in my post ‘I have been there, done that‘, I wrote the following –

From cancer.net –

This year, an estimated 76,960 adults (58,950 men and 18,010 women) will be diagnosed with bladder cancer in the United States. Among men, bladder cancer is the fourth most common cancer. It is estimated that 16,390 deaths (11,820 men and 4,570 women) from this disease will occur this year.

From cancer.org –

About half of all bladder cancers are first found while the cancer is still confined to the inner layer of the bladder wall. (These are called non-invasive or in situ cancers.) About 1 in 3 bladder cancers have invaded into deeper layers but are still only in the bladder. In most of the remaining cases, the cancer has spread to nearby tissues or lymph nodes outside the bladder. Rarely (in about 4% of cases), it has spread to distant parts of the body.

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Image Provided by: of.sucrap.com

My cancer is Stage 4 bladder cancer and I know the statistics.

In today’s post, I write the following –

Will I Die Soon?

The statistics for Stage 4 bladder cancer is I have a 14% to 24% 5-year survival prognosis.  I keep myself informed because this is my body, my cancer and my life and I want to know all the good and bad about what is taking place with me.  Do I sit here and wait for death and not live in the meantime?  No, I want to live as much as I can before that date on the calendar is here.  But I am restricted now on living life to the fullest as I continue my recovery.  The upcoming weeks will reveal what may come next in the subsequent months to follow.

Will I Die Soon?

‘The Death Clock’ indicates I will die in 11 years and my bladder cancer stage and prognosis indicates my chances are slim to live after the next 5 years.

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Image Provided by: http://www.pinterest.com

Whether it be 5 years or 11 years, I need to live in the here and now.  I still have things to learn and more growing needs to take place.  That person I want to be should be now – I do not need to wait until it is too late.  Some of you may not understand this; but it makes perfect sense to me.

I have no idea when my time on this earth is going to end – but it continues to tick away.

One More Try

There are countless posts on my blog written about life; the whys, the what’s and the reasons.

Why do we live?

Why do we suffer?

Why do we die?

What is the meaning of life?

What is it we need to do?

What is the meaning of death?

Reasons to live life to the fullest.

Reasons to stop and smell the roses.

Reasons to not fear death.

I have many questions, I always have, and along the way I feel I received some answers; but then again, more questions came from those answers.

Many times, I publish posts about certain topics and will include a link to other posts for those that might be interested in reading them.  My posts about life, the meaning of it, death, learning and other topics from my mind can be found in the category ‘Attitudes, Feelings and Views‘.

I always stated this blog is about me and my life; and many posts I have written mention my faults and weaknesses.  I am far from perfect and at one time in my life I thought I was supposed to be.  I overcame that thought and realized I just will put forth the effort to be a better person each day.  Each day I grow, sometimes just a little bit; but I grow.  Each day I move forward; towards being a better person and towards death.

Last month, I published a post ‘Faith‘, where I wrote about the impact of George Michael’s album had on me at a difficult time in my life several decades ago.  His album Faith was important to me at a time I needed something to hold on to.  During many times in my life, I have needed some sort of faith.  Depending on where I was in my live; what trials and tribulations were taking place or the demons I had around me – sometimes faith appeared when I least expected it.   Many times, faith was a message that came from someone else and over the course of my life, that message came in the form of a song.

A song from George Michael’s album Faith is titled One More Try and includes the following lyrics –

I’ve had enough of danger

And people on the streets

I’m looking out for angels

Just trying to find some peace

‘Cause teacher

There are things that I don’t want to learn

And the last one I had

Made me cry

This song One More Try is about a relationship with another person.  But could it also be about a relationship with God or ourselves?

There are many different teachers in my life who have taught many different lessons.

Times in my life god and believes taught me.

I have taught myself.

My mom, dad, husband and many others have taught me – including George Michael.

And though I have learned many things in life and improved myself and became a better person with each passing day, year and decade – I still have questions.

As I continue to ask the questions and continue to make mistakes and stumble, I am given one more try.

That teacher; whoever or whatever it is – continues to give me one more try.

(Note: my responses to your comments will be delayed this week.  Please understand I continue to be in recovery mode and am moving slow.)

‘Faith’

George, you bring tears to my eyes.

George Michael died several days ago, and my tears continue to flow.

Back in January of this year I wrote a post ‘we do know them, and we grieve‘; it concluded with the following –

laurajack.com has an article titled ‘Why do we cry when famous people die?‘ and includes the following –

This begs the question, why do we cry when famous people die?

As they say at the Grief Recovery Institute, we do know them, we just haven’t met them in person.  We all have an emotional relationship with people who we admire, and perhaps even hope to meet them one day.  Therefore, when they die, we grieve because we have a emotional relationship with them that feels incomplete.

Grief is part of our evolution as humans.  Without loss and grief, we don’t grow.  Experiencing sadness, heart-ache, fear or any other emotion, is part of life, as hard as it may be sometimes.  It is what allows us to continue to transform.

So, whether we lose a family member or a person we admired, grief is normal.  Allow yourself and others to feel and be compassionate and loving because that is what we need to heal.

In today’s post, I needed to write the following –

George, you bring tears to my eyes.

George Michael died several days ago, and my tears continue to flow.

As indicated in the above article, I have an emotional relationship with George Michael and I am grieving because he is gone.  But he was just a singer and artist; a person with great talent – there are many others that fit this same description.

I published a post November 2015 titled ‘My Time in a Psychiatric Hospital‘, in which I wrote about my experience in a psychiatric hospital and my feelings and views about this time in my life.  This event in my life occurred in the late 1980s and was one of many turning points in my life that led me here today.  With much time on my hands while in the psychiatric hospital, I listened to music.

I have memories today of that time in my life and the music I listened to was significant to me as I felt at times it was created just for me at that time in my life.  There was a singer and artist of that time who had a very successful selling album titled ‘Faith’.

Depression years led me to attempt suicide that led me to a psychiatric hospital; that ultimately led me here today.

I needed ‘Faith’ back then, those many years ago, and I still do today.

George, you brought tears to my eyes back many years ago.

George, you bring tears to my eyes still today.

George Michael died several days ago, and my tears continue to flow.

Steven Hall Grimnes

I searched the internet for him and his story.

I found some information on ‘The National Archives’ website, but no information I did not already know.

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Who is this person, and what is his story?

I know the Name, the Rank, the Branch of Service, the Wars, the Time Lived; but I do not know anything else.

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But there are thousands upon thousands who rest in peace and who are recognized a few times a year for their life and their time serving us.

My husband served and saw some action and my son serves and saw no action.

Many others have served and are serving that were in action; and many died in action – still many never to return from action.

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As I currently live on the Naval Air Station (NAS) Pensacola, Florida; I drive by the area of land almost every day.

Upon returning from our recent trip, I once again drove by; but this time it was different – because of the season.

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Rows upon rows of them, garnished with wreaths and bows of red to mark the season.

I stood in awe at the site and it reminded me of the sacrifices these individuals made and still make today.

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Let us not forget about those serving in the military and are away from family this time of the year.

Let us not forget about those that have served and who rest in peace in our national cemeteries across this great land.

Who are these people, and what are their stories?

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One more thing?

Why did I start my blog when I did?  I wanted to write down my thoughts and feelings and write a book.  Did I start it when I did because subconsciously I knew my life would be coming to an end soon due to cancer?

Will the cancer I have potentially take my life?  Is the reason I started my blog a year and a half ago; so, my thoughts, my life, my events, my experiences would be in writing?

Do we know subconsciously when we are going to die?

My grandmother was 99 years old and was weak when her sister-in-law decided to come visit.  They had not seen each other for decades, as their ages had prevented them from doing much traveling.  But my grandmother who was weak, waiting until her sister-in-law came to visit; she had one more thing to do.  After the visit she said it was time and she died within a few days.

Gary’s dad waited for the lawyer to come over to the house to sign the updated Will that morning.  Upon the leaving of the lawyer, he died within a few hours later.  It was as if he knew his time had arrived but needed to do one more thing before leaving this world.

Is my one more thing this blog?  It could be, then again, I have no idea what my one more thing is.  Do I feel that I am going to die soon?  Hum, good question; sometimes my answer is yes.

There are many posts here on my blog, including those posts about my suicide attempts in my 20s.  I have written several posts about suicide and death.  And there are posts I have written about dying and leaving something behind.  Are these posts and the posts recounting events of decades ago and the posts about events of current; are they my one more thing?

It was September of last year when it started – the health issue, it was noticed then – the day before my son #3’s wedding.  Before the first diagnosis, I knew it was cancer when others suggested it was not.  I know my body well enough and it was telling me something – I knew what that something was.  Then came the first surgery and a few months later would be the second surgery.  I knew before that second surgery it would not be the last one and it would not be the end – there was more to come – and soon!  I felt it, I knew it, my body was telling me there would be more to come.

The more to come is here and at times I feel it is my last thing: my one more thing.  I remain optimistic and realistic; as I plan to be here for a while longer.  But I feel there is more to come concerning my health, my cancer – and soon.  I feel it, I know it, my body is telling me there is more to come.  Am I pessimistic?  No, I do not think so, because I know my body well enough and it is telling me something.

Is this blog my one more thing?

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My Inner Light

Will someday in the far future someone find my life and relive it?

I have written many posts about dying & death; it is inevitable and it will happen someday.

I have written many posts about leaving something behind; mementos, keepsakes, documents, treasures and legacy.

In my post ‘What do I want to leave when I am gone?‘, I ended with the following –

Maybe this blog and maybe someday that book will be available to them to read and maybe, just maybe they will learn something from me.

What do I want to leave when I am gone?

In my post ‘How will my story be written?‘, I ended with the following –

My life is in me and on this blog; this is my story being written.

Will my story be forgotten?  Will anyone really care if my story is written?

How will my story be written?

I today’s post, I continue with the following –

In an episode of Star Trek, The Next Generation titled ‘The Inner Light’, a life of a man of long ago is being relived. Per wikia.com

An alien probe controls and disables Captain Picard, who wakes up as “Kamin,” a resident of the planet Kataan. While the crew of the Enterprise tries to jar the probe’s influence, “Kamin” lives through the final, dying decades of his homeworld in the span of approximately twenty minutes in the form of an interactive “ancestor simulation”.

In my post ‘Online Presence Never Dies‘ I began with the following –

My online presence will live forever – my online presence never dies.

Have you thought about what happens to our online presence once we have left this world?

In today’s post, I conclude with the following –

The Inner Light’, concludes with the following –

[Picard’s quarters]

(Picard is re-discovering his possessions when the doorbell rings. He has to think what that sound is)

 PICARD: Come.

 RIKER: Hello, sir. Feeling better?

 PICARD: Yes. Yes, thank you. But I find I’m having to rediscover that this is really my home.

 RIKER: We were able to open the probe and examine it. Apparently, whatever had locked onto you must have been self terminating. It’s not functioning any longer. We found this inside.

 (Riker hands him a box and leaves. Inside it is a penny whistle with a tassel. Picard clutches it to his chest for a moment, then plays his Skye Boat song variation on it)

Will someone find my blog far into the future and through reading my words, relive my experiences?

Will someday in the far future someone find my life and relive it?

I conclude with a quote from ‘The Inner Light’ episode –

We will have found life again

Online Presence Never Dies

My online presence will live forever – my online presence never dies.

Have you thought about what happens to our online presence once we have left this world?

Online presence: what happens to these when we are gone?

I have a Facebook account and a Twitter account and a Tumblr account and a YouTube account.  I have a Tripit account and another website currently parked – not being used at the moment but does include quite a bit of data.  I also have a WordPress account with a blogsite that includes writings, posts and pictures and media files of me and my life.

What happens to this online presence once I have left this world?

Will my online presence live forever – will my online presence die?

I have all the necessary documents prepared for when my life ends.  I have the Will, I have the instructions upon my death, it is all prepared.  The instructions state to delete all my online presence and to wipe away my existence.  First I think about, will this actually occur.  After all I am assuming whoever is left with this responsibility will actually delete my online presence.

Then I think about, if they actually delete my online presence, is it really deleted?  I assume, my online presence will be deleted someday.  I am hoping who is responsible for this follows through with my wishes.

But am I really deleted from online forever, never to have existed?  I really do not think so – I am there somewhere filed away in terabytes of data.  Maybe someday I will show up again or maybe just left there never to be seen or read or listened to again.  Why do I care, if I am already gone from this world?  After all I am dead, why do I care that I still live in the online presence world?

In my post ‘Legacy‘, I concluded with the following –

The book will most likely never be written, and I am okay with this realization – my autobiography, my memoir is this blog.

This blog is what I want to leave as a legacy; to my kids or whoever else is interested in reading about me and my life.

In today’s post, I conclude with the following –

I am not sure why I waste my mind on thinking about what will happen with this blog once my life has ended.  Why do I really care?  Part of me wants to leave something behind, a reminder I guess that I was here.  Part of me wants to leave nothing behind, as if I were never here.  This battle in my brain, in my mind is a struggle between my existence being one of worth or one of waste.

Why would I want to leave an online presence, an existence that was a waste?  Then again, that online presence, and existence may be worth something to someone, someday.

War, Wounded, Missing & Death

Last year I wrote a post ‘Memorial Day‘; and I began with the following words –

As a child it was a holiday and therefore not a school day.  I did not understand the true reason for Memorial Day.

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Image Provided by: shepfamilychiro.com

In today’s post, I begin with the following words –

timeforkids.com article ‘The Meaning of Memorial Day’ has the following –

The holiday got started on May 30, 1868, when Union General John A. Logan declared the day an occasion to decorate the graves of Civil War soldiers. Twenty years later, the name was changed to Memorial Day. On May 11, 1950, Congress passed a resolution requesting that the President issue a proclamation calling on Americans to observe each Memorial Day as a day of prayer for permanent peace and designating a period on that day when the people of the United States might unite in prayer. President Richard M. Nixon declared Memorial Day a federal holiday in 1971. Memorial Day is now observed on the last Monday of May. It is an occasion to honor the men and women who died in all wars.

Today is May 30th, 2016 – this United States holiday started 148 years ago today.

Last year I wrote a post ‘Memorial Day‘; and I concluded with the following words –

As an adult it is no longer a holiday, but a day to remember those that grieve for those that gave the ultimate sacrifice.  Those people that grieve and continue to remember those they lost in the United States armed forces and never returned back home to them, their loved ones.

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Image Provided by: http://www.usmemorialday.org

In today’s post I conclude with the following –

Businessinsider.com article ‘CHART: The Number Of US Soldiers Who Died In Every Major American War’ includes the following –

U.S. casualties spiked drastically during the Civil War and World War II. Each of those wars claimed over 1 million U.S. casualties apiece. These massive numbers carried further weight as the overall population of the United States during both those wars was significantly smaller than it is today. 

Overall, the general trend since the end of World War II has been a decline in U.S. casualties.

Still, according to the Pew Research Center, almost half of all veterans who served after 9/11 were exposed in some way to the horrors of war. Sixty percent of veterans have reportedly served with someone who was badly injured, while 47% of veterans served alongside someone who died in combat.

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Image Provided by: http://www.city-data.com

It saddens me to read about the millions of loss lives due to war.  It saddens me to think about the wounded, the missing in action, the families, the friends of those that were and are affected by war.

I guess war has always been and always will be part of life.

I take time today to honor those that lost their lives and their families; and think about peace throughout the world.

I can do better

Me, I have been in a mood lately – and not a good one.

Did you notice in yesterday’s post ‘The planning continues‘, how boring that was?  Really I can do better than that.  I have lost some motivation and my brain is not very creative and my writing skills are not good.  So life is stagnating and my mood and creativity is going with it.  In a couple of days, I will let you know what is taking place on the home front, this is part of the reason for my mood.

My mood is affecting my body in that I am tired, I have little motivation to do anything and this in turn is causing withdrawal and moods that are flipping from good to bad, back to good, then to worse.  I am angry, frustrated, short tempered, withdrawn, rude, hateful, aggressive, destructive, impatient, ungrateful, and in need of the end.  The end of what, well a course my life!

Yes, you know I think about it, but I will not do that!  I am over that, but I still think about it.

The stabbing, the drowning, the pills, the gun, the running off the road, did I mention the stabbing?

In my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.19‘, I concluded with the following –

There was a time as a young boy, I felt depressed and wanted to kill myself.  I recall going into the kitchen and grabbing a knife out the drawer and thinking about stabbing myself.  I wanted to so badly; I wanted to be dead, to not experience the pain I was feeling at that time.  But, something kept me from going through with it.  I was just as scared of killing myself as I was of living.  Now in my late twenties it was the time to go through with it, to end this miserable and disturbing life.  I was older now with more stresses and struggles in my mind.  I was older now to have the strength to carry it out this time.  The time had arrived.  It was time to end my life!

In today’s post, I conclude with the following –

Friends, no need to worry – all will be fine.  At a very young age I struggled and the knife was there that I wanted so badly – but I knew better.  Today, I have thoughts of that knife and the inflicting of harm and death to myself – but I know better.

I continue to struggle with myself, that part of me that wants to be beat me down.  I become tired and worn-out.  I become moody, angry, frustrated, short tempered, withdrawn, rude, hateful, aggressive, destructive, impatient, ungrateful, and in need of the end – but I know better.

I know better, because I know me – I know I can do better –

I believe I can.