tick away

A year ago in my post ‘Predict our day of death‘, I wrote the following –

On deathclock.com there is ‘The Death Clock’ and the website states –

Welcome to the Death Clock(TM), the Internet’s friendly reminder that life is slipping away… second by second. Like the hourglass of the Net, the Death Clock will remind you just how short life is.

So I proceeded to enter the information, clicked the ‘Check Your Death Clock’ button and received the following –

Your Personal Day of Death is….Saturday, June 10, 2028

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Image Provided by: http://www.deathclock.com

Okay, by this ‘Death Clock’ I will die in 13 years.

September of last year in my post ‘I have been there, done that‘, I wrote the following –

From cancer.net –

This year, an estimated 76,960 adults (58,950 men and 18,010 women) will be diagnosed with bladder cancer in the United States. Among men, bladder cancer is the fourth most common cancer. It is estimated that 16,390 deaths (11,820 men and 4,570 women) from this disease will occur this year.

From cancer.org –

About half of all bladder cancers are first found while the cancer is still confined to the inner layer of the bladder wall. (These are called non-invasive or in situ cancers.) About 1 in 3 bladder cancers have invaded into deeper layers but are still only in the bladder. In most of the remaining cases, the cancer has spread to nearby tissues or lymph nodes outside the bladder. Rarely (in about 4% of cases), it has spread to distant parts of the body.

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Image Provided by: of.sucrap.com

My cancer is Stage 4 bladder cancer and I know the statistics.

In today’s post, I write the following –

Will I Die Soon?

The statistics for Stage 4 bladder cancer is I have a 14% to 24% 5-year survival prognosis.  I keep myself informed because this is my body, my cancer and my life and I want to know all the good and bad about what is taking place with me.  Do I sit here and wait for death and not live in the meantime?  No, I want to live as much as I can before that date on the calendar is here.  But I am restricted now on living life to the fullest as I continue my recovery.  The upcoming weeks will reveal what may come next in the subsequent months to follow.

Will I Die Soon?

‘The Death Clock’ indicates I will die in 11 years and my bladder cancer stage and prognosis indicates my chances are slim to live after the next 5 years.

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Image Provided by: http://www.pinterest.com

Whether it be 5 years or 11 years, I need to live in the here and now.  I still have things to learn and more growing needs to take place.  That person I want to be should be now – I do not need to wait until it is too late.  Some of you may not understand this; but it makes perfect sense to me.

I have no idea when my time on this earth is going to end – but it continues to tick away.

War, Wounded, Missing & Death

Last year I wrote a post ‘Memorial Day‘; and I began with the following words –

As a child it was a holiday and therefore not a school day.  I did not understand the true reason for Memorial Day.

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Image Provided by: shepfamilychiro.com

In today’s post, I begin with the following words –

timeforkids.com article ‘The Meaning of Memorial Day’ has the following –

The holiday got started on May 30, 1868, when Union General John A. Logan declared the day an occasion to decorate the graves of Civil War soldiers. Twenty years later, the name was changed to Memorial Day. On May 11, 1950, Congress passed a resolution requesting that the President issue a proclamation calling on Americans to observe each Memorial Day as a day of prayer for permanent peace and designating a period on that day when the people of the United States might unite in prayer. President Richard M. Nixon declared Memorial Day a federal holiday in 1971. Memorial Day is now observed on the last Monday of May. It is an occasion to honor the men and women who died in all wars.

Today is May 30th, 2016 – this United States holiday started 148 years ago today.

Last year I wrote a post ‘Memorial Day‘; and I concluded with the following words –

As an adult it is no longer a holiday, but a day to remember those that grieve for those that gave the ultimate sacrifice.  Those people that grieve and continue to remember those they lost in the United States armed forces and never returned back home to them, their loved ones.

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Image Provided by: http://www.usmemorialday.org

In today’s post I conclude with the following –

Businessinsider.com article ‘CHART: The Number Of US Soldiers Who Died In Every Major American War’ includes the following –

U.S. casualties spiked drastically during the Civil War and World War II. Each of those wars claimed over 1 million U.S. casualties apiece. These massive numbers carried further weight as the overall population of the United States during both those wars was significantly smaller than it is today. 

Overall, the general trend since the end of World War II has been a decline in U.S. casualties.

Still, according to the Pew Research Center, almost half of all veterans who served after 9/11 were exposed in some way to the horrors of war. Sixty percent of veterans have reportedly served with someone who was badly injured, while 47% of veterans served alongside someone who died in combat.

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Image Provided by: http://www.city-data.com

It saddens me to read about the millions of loss lives due to war.  It saddens me to think about the wounded, the missing in action, the families, the friends of those that were and are affected by war.

I guess war has always been and always will be part of life.

I take time today to honor those that lost their lives and their families; and think about peace throughout the world.

What do I want to leave when I am gone?

In the past 11 ½ months I have written posts about life, death and legacy; you can view these posts under the category ‘Attitudes, Feelings and Views’.

What do I want to leave when I am gone?  When my last breath is taken and my eyes see for one last time, what do I want to leave behind in the minds of people that know me?

I ask again, what do I want to leave when I am gone?

Originally it was a book; a book about me and my life.  Would anyone read it and would anyone really care?

Then it was a blog about me and my life.  Would anyone read it and would anyone really care?

When I started this blog almost a year ago my intention was to let my sons, the rest of the family and any friends to have access to it.  Will I do this?  I have not totally decided when I will provide this blog to my sons and my family.  I am unsure if I am ready to let them have access to it.  It is not finished, it is uncompleted and a work in progress.  How long I continue this blog remains to be seen, but the book I wanted to write, it could still take place because the writings are here on my blog.

What do I want to leave when I am gone?  When my last heart beat takes place and my nostrils take in the last oxygen, what do I want to leave behind here on earth?

Does it really matter that I leave anything at all?  I often think about my grandmother who died several years ago, she resonates within me.  She was a great woman who in her doings and her ways unknowingly became a teacher to me.  I have a few pictures of her and a few knick-knacks of hers and I have her bible.  But more importantly I have her memory and the things she taught me.  She never wrote a book, never had a blog, but instead lived a life as a wonderful person; a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, a great-great-grandmother, but more importantly a teacher.

My life is very different from my grandmothers; it has taken a very different road – but I can strive to be like her; me as a wonderful person, a father, a grandfather and maybe a great-great grandfather, and maybe even a teacher.

Times have changed; they are very different than when my grandmother was alive and I lived near her.  Today my sons are further away and I am here, the locations are different and the lives are different.

What do I want to leave when I am gone?  What do I want to leave them when I am gone?

Maybe this blog and maybe someday that book will be available to them to read and maybe, just maybe they will learn something from me.

suicide – it sounds peaceful, it sounds calm

In my post ‘It was time to end my life’, I wrote the following –

I was scared and most likely was attempting suicide as a cry for help and not really wanting to end it all.  Some people say those that attempt or commit suicide are cowards and want an easy way out.  But when you feel out of control and thoughts of hurting others are in your mind and there seems no end to suffering and pain and people are telling you they do not understand you or you need help but they are not helping or supporting you and your weakness prevails – how do you keep going?

In today’s post, I write the following –

Recently I recording my voice early morning and these are the words I spoke –

Suicide, do I still think about it? Yes – almost on a daily basis!  Why do I not want to live?  Why am I living?  I am living for other people; my kids – why I don’t’ know; my husband – why I don’t know.  Will they all be better without me in their lives – without me being here?  Maybe I live because someday I will be happy, really truly happy – but then again I don’t think I will be ever.  The struggles that I still deal with though they are much milder and calmer than when I was a young man in my twenties, they are still in my mind; they are still a constant reminder everyday – here with me experiencing the turmoil that goes on in my mind.  It is difficult for me; it’s tiring, I’m fatigued from fighting everything that goes on in my mind.

Can I go get on some medication?  Yes, I could and that would probably help – but then I feel like I lose the fight.  I feel like that I am just existing and not becoming; becoming better; becoming stronger – but just existing and accepting.  To me that’s not, that’s not good enough.  I have to fight I have to struggle, I have to keep moving forward; I have to keep going with the flow and working on myself and becoming a better person.  That’s maybe what my life is about – I don’t’ know.  Is it exhausting and tiring?  Yes, it is and when I get that way that’s when I think about suicide; that’s when I think about death, that’s when I think about not being here – not existing, not breathing; but just being gone from this world, from this body, from this mind and being non-existent.

It sounds peaceful, it sounds calm, it sounds internal; it sounds like something that’s good to me, something that I want.  But as long as I am still here I am not going to commit suicide – I will not do it.  And though my mind tells me it is an option, there is that conscience part of me that says no, it is not an option.  And I struggle with this still; but it will not ever happen and I will keep fighting the good fight and I will keep continuing to move forward.  And I will keep struggling even though the process may hurt other people I will keep doing it; keep trying.  But it is exhausting sometimes, it’s very exhausting and I lose control and sometimes I just don’t know what to do anymore.

But I keep trying.

 

Predict our day of death

On deathclock.com there is ‘The Death Clock’ and the website states –

Welcome to the Death Clock(TM), the Internet’s friendly reminder that life is slipping away… second by second. Like the hourglass of the Net, the Death Clock will remind you just how short life is.

So I proceeded to enter the information, clicked the ‘Check Your Death Clock’ button and received the following –

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Image Provided by: http://www.deathclock.com

Okay, by this ‘Death Clock’ I will die in 13 years.

You remember my post ‘My Life My Way’, I wrote about life expectancy, my smoking, my drinking and I should die anywhere in the next 3 to 21 years.  I guess the ‘Death Clock’ averaged it out to 13 years; I am unsure where it got the exact date of June 10.

You must be thinking “spearfruit has a fascination with death and dying.” “He has written many posts related to his attempted suicides and other posts related to dying.”  “Why is this?”

Well, I have no fascination with death or dying.  I just want to keep it as a conscious thought because the seconds are ticking.  I want to keep the conscious thought aware in my mind to remind me to live each day the best I can.  When I feel anger or sad or upset or controlling or impatient, I want to remind myself, the seconds are ticking.  I want this reminder to assist me in making the most of the time left.

My early life struggles are being lifted and released by my writings on this blog.  The majority of my life was lived with negative emotions and I want to live the rest of my years with positive ones.  I want to make the most of the time left – easier said than done for me.  For me, to learn new behaviors and thinking, I must keep reinforcing thoughts in my brain.

We all have different ways and styles to learn something new.  I am a visual person, I need to see to learn and I am also a deep thinker.  This deep thinking in my early life took me to destruction and wanting to end my life.  Then a turn took place and this deep thinking took me to building and improvement.  This deep thinking today I desire to take me to fulfillment, contentment, gratification and conclusion.

That conclusion is the end of my life.  So until the conclusion, whether June 10, 2028 or before or after – I will continue my deep thinking and live every day, the best possible way I know how.

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Image Provided by: http://www.etsy.com

It was time to end my life

The following posts I mention the word suicide –

ME and OCD, Emotional Difficulties, The Great Depression of the 1980s, Thoughts From Years Past.4, Thoughts From Years Past.5, Thoughts From Years Past.6, Thoughts From Years Past.11, Nothing Really Matters – until now, What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger, I am not afraid to die, Thoughts From Years Past.19

My posts titled ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ are based on words I wrote in 2004 and describe the journey from a young boy to the time I decided to kill myself.  These blog posts build upon each other and provide the experiences, events and difficulties dealing with life that eventually led to my attempted suicides.

I was in my 20s and decided it was time to end my life – the time had come to kill myself.  I had no gun to shoot myself and thought using a knife might just injure me and not kill me.  I drank alcohol at the time and decided to take bottles of pills.  This was more than 30 years ago and my memory is a little vague about what pills I took or where I got them.  I do not believe my wife and I had separated at that point, because she is the one that found me having a mental breakdown after the pills had been taken.  After that I remember the bright lights of the emergency room and have a memory of my mom and one brother standing over me; I do not know if they were speaking.  The next memory I have while still in the hospital is ingesting activated charcoal and having my stomach pumped.

That was it – the experience of my 1st attempted suicide.  I was scared and most likely was attempting suicide as a cry for help and not really wanting to end it all.  Some people say those that attempt or commit suicide are cowards and want an easy way out.  But when you feel out of control and thoughts of hurting others are in your mind and there seems no end to suffering and pain and people are telling you they do not understand you or you need help but they are not helping or supporting you and your weakness prevails – how do you keep going?

Sometime after this event, I would attempt another suicide using the same method but this time no hospital visit, just a mom who was there at the right time and determined to assist in eliminated the pills that were swallowed.

When I hear about people who attempted or have committed suicide, I understand and they are not cowards to me.

My heart fills with sadness and heaviness for those that suffer with pain that they feel a need to end it all.

There is help out there and my hope is people who are suffering finds the strength and the courage to find that help.

My hope is those people who are suffering find the strength and the courage inside of them to help themselves.

I am not afraid to die

There are references in some of my posts about my suicide attempts and I will have a future post describing these specific events.  I also plan to write about how I view suicide today from my prospective; a person who attempted suicide and went through a decade of major depression.  My point to this post is I am not afraid to die.

I view death as the end of everyone’s life, inevitable, it is going to occur, just when?  There is a date on the calendar for all of us – our last day on this earth.  So, why be afraid to die?

In my post ‘My Life My Way’ I wrote that I am living my life my way and though some habits I have may shorten my life, I still am not afraid to die.  This may sound odd, but actually, in a way I look forward to death.  Besides my attempted suicides there have been many other times I thought about killing myself but did not.

Prior to today, many days had come and gone and I on occasion thought to myself; I wish I were dead.  Because although I have overcome my major depression, I still had some behavior issues, some low self-esteem and some defects in my brain that want me to be unstable.  I try every day to overcome these shortcomings and to live the rest of my days with a sense of purpose and happiness.

I will be totally honest with you my readers – today the thought of killing me still occasionally crosses my mind and there are times I wish I were dead.   But the act of me intentionally killing me will not take place.  No matter the struggles I still have in my life; I understand the taking of my own life is not the way for me to deal with these struggles.  I believe all of us are on this earth for a reason, and no matter the struggles we encounter; we all have strength within ourselves to overcome, to move forward and to survive.  Sometimes that strength can be buried under all the burdens of despair and anguish and finding it can be difficult.

I rarely think about death or dying or my life coming to an end; I want to think about birth, living, my life beginning, the here and now, today.  I am trying to live my life for today and let go of the past and look forward to the future, no matter how many days are left for me on the calendar.  Just because I will die someday, I am not going to stop living for today or planning for tomorrow.

One reason for my blog is to write about my past and let go of it.  I want to live like I am dying – with the rest of my days for living to be for today, and if I am allowed, for tomorrow.

What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger

What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger –

We have heard this phrase many times and you may likely have heard the song ‘Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)’ by Kelly Clarkson.

This is a good phrase and applies to many areas of our lives.  I like these phrases and songs – they inspire me!

So what does this phrase mean to you and me and how do we apply it to us, our lives and our souls?  My series of posts ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ will be coming to an end in the next couple of weeks.  These posts came from thoughts I documented back in 2004.  These posts outline my early life until the final chapter which concludes with the decision to end my life.  Yes, the depression is severe and the suicide attempts will take place and the many years of therapy will follow resulting in a new understanding of me and my life.

So Kelly Clarkson’s song is an anthem for me that resonates through me because what did not kill me; my depression, my suicide attempts and myself, made me stronger!

Some of the lyrics from ‘Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)’ –

You think you got the best of me

Think you had the last laugh

Bet you think that everything good is gone

Think you left me broken down

Think that I’d come running back

Baby you don’t know me, cause you’re dead wrong

You didn’t think that I’d come back

 I’d come back swinging

 You try to break me

These lyrics I sing loudly to depression.  Because it did not kill me, I am stronger; my mind is stronger, my thinking is stronger, my soul is stronger, my life is stronger.

thebestbrainpossible.com article ‘What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger‘ includes the following –

That quote is attributed to the German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche. Actually, he said it much more eloquently: “That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.” It turns out that he was right.

Studies have shown that some trauma survivors report positive changes and enhanced personal development, called post traumatic growth (PTG). PTG refers to any beneficial change resulting from a major life crisis or traumatic event, but people most commonly experience a positive shift by having a renewed appreciation for life; adopting a new world view with new possibilities for themselves; feeling more personal strength; feeling more satisfied spiritually, and/or their relationships improve.

And I conclude my singing with the following words also from the lyrics ‘Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)’ –

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stronger

Just me, myself and I, just me, myself and I

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

Stand a little taller

Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone

This is my anthem, my song I sing and rejoice to, because what didn’t kill me made me stronger!

Nothing Really Matters – until now

As some of you know, part of my early morning ritual is to exercise, usually listening to 70s music.  A couple of weeks ago while exercising a familiar song played.  ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’; you know the song by Queen, it released in 1975.  So I am listening while exercising and listening to the words and a feeling came over me; an understanding of me.  Are these lyrics describing me and my life?  The website songmeanings.com has the lyrics and reader’s comments on what they think the lyrics meaning are.

Here is my interpretation of this song and how it relates to me –

First Verse –

Is this the real life?

Is this just fantasy?

Caught in a landslide

No escape from reality

Open your eyes

Look up to the skies and see

I’m just a poor boy, I need no sympathy

Because I’m easy come, easy go

A little high, little low

Anyway the wind blows, doesn’t really matter to me, to me

This verse is me at a younger age questioning why I am here, my purpose, not understanding my struggles.

Second Verse –

Mama, just killed a man

Put a gun against his head

Pulled my trigger, now he’s dead

Mama, life had just begun

But now I’ve gone and thrown it all away

Mama, ooo

Didn’t mean to make you cry

If I’m not back again this time tomorrow

Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters

This verse is me attempting suicide and telling my mom ‘I’m sorry’.

Third Verse –

Too late, my time has come

Sends shivers down my spine

Body’s aching all the time

Goodbye everybody I’ve got to go

Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth

Mama, ooo (anyway the wind blows)

I don’t want to die

I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all

This verse is me realizing I am reaching out for help and not really wanting to kill myself – but yet wish I did not have to live.

Last Verse –

Ooh yeah, ooh yeah

Nothing really matters

Anyone can see

Nothing really matters nothing really matters to me

This verse is me telling myself, nothing matters to me, not even myself, not even my life.

The Wikipedia.org site has the following information pertaining to the context of this song –

Mercury refused to explain his composition other than saying it was about relationships; the band is still protective of the song’s secret.  Brian May supports suggestions that the song contained veiled references to Mercury’s personal traumas. He recalls “Freddie was a very complex person: flippant and funny on the surface, but he concealed insecurities and problems in squaring up his life with his childhood.

And as I exercise listening to this song and the words, I realize everything and everyone matters, including me, including my life.  The severe struggles I encountered in my childhood and as a younger man did matter –

they mattered because they made me who I am today.

Formula for a post

On the anniversary of the start of my blog, every 13th of each month – I try to do something different other than my usual post.  For my 4 month anniversary post I decided to write a post based on a formula.

Here is the formula –

In sequential order of my posts, starting with the first one (excluding posts related to blog awards), I selected the corresponding word – Example: 1st post – 1st word in that post, 2nd post – 2nd word in that post, 3rd post – 3rd word in that post, etc. (Okay this took some time – but I did it – if you don’t believe me, you are welcome to reread all my posts and find the corresponding words – LOL – yea, that’s what I thought.)  I have written 126 posts including this one, so this post has 124 words.  Two of my posts  titled ‘Quotes & Images’ & ‘nine-eleven’ had mainly images and a small number of words in those posts – instead, I selected an image from those posts.

Now take those words in any order and create the first sentence or paragraph to begin this post or in my case write a poem.  If you have followed me for a while, this poem may make some sense.  If it does not, you are welcome to comment on what you think this poem is about.  It was a little tough to write due to the specific words I had to work with, but here are my results, my poem –

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Those waking years way from a small child I had documented feelings with times of death, an inner sleep.

Mindfulness to end even proceeding with a chapter; a term was a clue.

What anxiety really hired my symptoms?

My habits grow affected, why?

Simply thinking and assumption make rocking rest, but the muscles due reprise on.

Get over an issue; to drink some alcohol.

From 1964 – same city – a 2nd location – in the 70s – in retiring – day – AM; still so aware,

The mist in my mind had released away this profound file.

To phone you, anyone, because this movement started in a way my want and basis we all have.

Okay, our celebrated song – to write and post.

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