Failed

In last Friday’s post ‘for as long as possible‘, I wrote the following –

It is Friday and today is the day I am looking for pain relief – today is the day I receive my Superior Hypogastric Nerve Block procedure.  I certainly will update you next week with how I feel and the results of this procedure.

Next Monday I start my radiation treatments; another potential for pain relief.  I have no expectations concerning the radiation, except I want something good to come from it.

image2

Image Provided by: paulbarford-heritage-the-ruth.blogspot.com

In today’s post, I write the following –

Friday as I am being prepared for the procedure upon taking with the doctor, I find out this procedure will not be a simulation.  The simulation would only last a couple of days and if it worked, then I would go back and have the actual procedure for the long term relief.  This procedure should provide long term relief which may be a couple of weeks or a couple of months.

The procedure takes place and immediately I do not feel any difference.  Considering they gave me pain medication during the procedure, I thought I would be feeling no pain at all.  The pain was just as significant as before the procedure; Gary and I felt very disappointed.  Gary sees what I go through each day and he is frustrated the doctors cannot find the source of the pain.  He asks the doctor who performed the procedure to contact my Oncologist Dr. L. to see if there are any other tests that can be performed – there must be something they have missed for me to be feeling this amount of pain.  Dr. L indicates there are no other tests and the radiation treatment that starts on Monday should help with reducing the pain.

It is Friday evening and as usual my pain is great and I am feeling little to no difference in my pain level several hours after the procedure was done.  I take my usual amount of evening pills and prepare myself for another rough night.  The nightly routine is Gary sleeps in the bed and I sleep on the recliner.  I am unable to lie flat in the bed without feeling significate pain.  The recliner provides me some relief because I can position myself lightly upright, which takes pressure off my lower back pain.

image1

I am sitting in the recliner preparing myself for another night’s sleep and Gary is sitting in a chair next to me and I begin to cry.  He places his hand on mine and I tell him, I feel like I am dying and my body is starting to shut down and I will not be around much longer.

I say to him ‘I have failed you.’

Coloring & Making Bracelets

It has been a long time since I wrote a post about Gary’s mom.  She has Dementia and is currently living with Gary’s younger brother in Florida near Pensacola.  For those of you who wish to know more about her, you are welcome to read these posts I wrote last year –

My Mother In-Law Teacher

…hold back the tears in my eyes

Dementia – It’s Been A Long Road

My Mother In-Law’s Library

You may remember, we took Gary’s mom from the younger brother’s home to the older brother’s home in Orlando right before Christmas last year.  She stayed with the older brother until we took her back to the younger brother in late March this year.

Image1

Prior to our actual move from Pensacola, Florida to Tampa, Florida, I had a consultation with an Oncologist at the Moffitt Cancer Center in Tampa.  That consultation resulted in subsequent tests later that same week.  There were tests scheduled in one day and it literally took all day to complete them.  A couple of these test involved having to spend several hours in between them and Gary and his mom needed to do something while I was having the actual tests.

Image2

We were fortunate that Moffitt Cancer Center has specific areas in their hospital for just that; finding something to do.  While I was having my bone scan, Gary and his mom spent time coloring and making bracelets.   I wanted to share a few pictures with you of Gary’s mom – my mother in law.  She is 94 and is in great physical heath and she can walk faster than me.  There is the Dementia that causes issues at times, but that day while waiting for me, she was happy coloring and making her bracelets.

And do you see the important message she had for me?

Image3

Come & Go

One Lovely Blog Award Border

Come & Go, I see it often

Sometimes I think about is it them or me

If it is me than I cannot be soften

One Lovely Blog Award BorderI am me & they are them

And we cannot all agree

But is it me, her or him

One Lovely Blog Award Border& I try my best to be for all

Though I know this is beyond my control

I do my best to make the call

One Lovely Blog Award BorderCome & Go, I see it more and more

But that is ok, because I myself sometimes

Will take advantage and even the score

One Lovely Blog Award Border

red dots and double blue lines

Back in February in my post ‘Of course, … a course’, I wrote about occasionally making mistakes in my posts usual related to grammar errors.  I read, re-read and proof read my posts and still some grammar errors slip pass.  I have also used a correctly spelled word but used it incorrectly within a sentence.  For instance I found a few times after I published a post, I found an error in which I meant to use the word ‘life’, but instead I wrote ‘live’.

I write my posts in Microsoft Office Word therefore it will catch my spelling errors and I will correct those.

Image1

Image Provided by: Microsoft Store

As with the post written above mentioned grammar slipups and the occasionally incorrect used word, I am okay with my writing – because it is me.

I use the latest version of Microsoft Office Word; it is 2016 and is updated by Microsoft when they roll out their updates, usually once a month.  I recently noticed Word now provides me suggestions to my sentence structure.  It will use red dots under a combination of words to suggest I could use one word instead.  For instance when you read the last sentence of this post replace ‘have to’ with ‘must’ or ‘should’.  Word also uses double blue lines under words suggesting a comma should follow.  If you were to view my posts in Word, it appears I do not use enough commas in my sentences.  Yes I understand Word is trying to help.

Now for spell check – thank you, it is not that I necessarily do not know how to spell, it really is that my typing skills are not as they use to be.

Image2

Image Provided by: VideoHive

I loved the big keyboards and with my past laptops, I would have a wireless keyboard and mouse and would also have a big screen plugged in.  That was my usual way to work on my computer.  But remember, last year we downsized and now living in an RV, there is less space.  No big screen plugged into my laptop and no wireless big keyboard and mouse.  Now I work off my smaller laptop keyboard and touchscreen.  I like the touchscreen, that does make my life a bit easier, but the small keyboard, not so much.  I make more mistakes in my spelling because I am hitting the wrong key and yes sometimes I do incorrectly spell a word.  Once again, thank you Word for catching those.

Back to my red dots and double blue lines, does it really matter?

Image3

Image Provided by: http://www.1wallpaperhd.com

Yes, I know some educators will tell me it does, but I am not a professional writer and am not writing for a professional outlet.  This is my personal blog, and I should be allowed to use words that come from me and not use commas where Word thinks I should use them.  If I updated the word suggestions and used all those commas, I feel it would take away from me, my personality and my writing.

I guess I just have to get use to seeing more red dots and double blue lines.

Freakshows

image1

Image Provided by: priceonomics.com

The priceonomics.com article ‘The Rise and Fall of Circus Freakshows’ begins with the following –

In 19th century America, gawking at people who were born with deformities was not only socially acceptable — it was considered family entertainment.

P.T. Barnum made millions by capitalizing on this. His “freakshows” brought together an amalgam of people considered to be curiosities — bearded ladies, tattooed men, the severely disfigured, and the abnormally short and tall — many of whom were unwillingly forced into the industry as young children.

In my post ‘I remain grateful (Reader Discretion Is Advised)‘, I wrote the following –

In 5 days, this coming Monday, I will no longer have control of my urination.

Let me be honest, one more time, I have always been honest here on my blog and at times direct.

In 5 days, this coming Monday, I will have a stoma or also referred to as a urostomy, an ileal conduit or urinary diversion.

I will have a pouch or bag on the outside of my body to collect my urine.  I will no longer have control of my urination.

In today’s post, I write the following –

In yesterday’s video post, I mentioned the physical strength is slowly becoming better, but at times my mind is weak when dealing with the changes made to my body.  As with the physical strength, I know the mental strength will increase as well.

A comment on yesterday’s post from my friend and fellow blogger Osyth included the following words –

….your psyche is bound to ricochet back and forth but you are endeavouring and doing your best and that is all you can ask of yourself.

This is a great description of what my mind is going through during the past several weeks and most likely weeks to come.

I am home recovering from my surgery and at times my typing continues to be a little slow and at times the computer is limited because I need to rest.  During rest sometimes I will voice record my thoughts.

About a week ago, I voice recorded the following –

It is in the afternoon and I decided to take a nap and I lay here by myself because Gary is at the gym.  I feel the urostomy bag touch my waist area and I start to cry.  I cry because I do not feel – I no longer feel whole, I feel defective.  I feel like a freak.  I feel unattractive and this is just something I have to become accustomed to.  But these are my feelings right now.  I know there are many people in the world that have bags on the side of their bodies to collect urine and other body waste and maybe other things I don’t even know about.  But this is me, this is new to me and though my recovery from my surgery is going well, my physical body and the emotional part of it is going well also – I still have my moments.   I still have my moments where I just feel different, I don’t feel myself. 

I feel like a freak.

image2

Image Provided by: priceonomics.com

Damn You Pictures

In my post ‘Spending time away‘, I wrote the following –

While I am on one of the biggest ships, sailing the Atlantic Ocean visiting several Caribbean islands; my plan involves some days publishing a brand-new post and other days re-publishing an older post.  I wrote posts early in my blog that received little exposer and I consider them among others as interesting posts. I know I can reblog these posts, but decided instead to create a new post for each and give a different name to them.

I appreciate everyone taking the time to stop by, read and leave many wonderful comments.  My time away sailing and enjoying other activities will result in time offline and will prevent me from responding to the many wonderful comments I receive.  Therefore, I will be disabling the comments on many of my upcoming posts while spending time away.  There will be times I will have some time online and you will see me a little here and there on WP.  But, most of my time will be offline having fun, relaxing and enjoying the sun.

In today’s post, I write the following –

These words were originally published in June, 2015 –

The last several days I have not physically felt well resulting in my body and mind becoming fatigued.  Yesterday morning my partner left the home to run some errands and I sat in a recliner in our upstairs main room to relax some.  At this point, I have had minimal sleep in the past couple of nights and very little to eat in the last couple of days.  My body is exhausted and my mind is tired, lethargic along with feeling a little dizziness.

So while sitting in my recliner I stare at the pictures hanging on the opposite wall across from me.  These pictures display my partner and me not so many years ago at a younger and more youthful age; also are pictures of my sons and then there is the picture of my grandson and me.  As I continue to look at the pictures I think to myself about the relationship I would like to have with my sons.  I reflect upon the feelings I have concerning my failure as a father and most likely the failure as a grandfather.  And as the thoughts swirl through my mind concerning my partner dealing with my moods and my behaviors and that he still loves me and accepts me; I then start crying profusely.  I start crying profusely not because of these thoughts; not because of the people in my life and not because of the labels of failure I place on myself, but because the pictures on the wall are not hanging straight.  They are not hanging straight on the wall and this troubles me, damn it!

The anxiety and frustration of these pictures not hanging straight on the wall take me back to another time and another place.  I am taken back to my 20s with the same thoughts and reactions; my wife and I are having issues related to me needing to straighten the pictures.  As soon as I noticed a picture on the wall that was not hanging straight I would immediately have to correct it, it would drive me crazy if I did not.  And still today I sit here crying because the pictures on the wall are not hanging straight.  Forget my feelings of those important people in the pictures; what matters the most at this moment is the damn pictures are not hanging straight.

The end result is different today than in my 20s; even though I still struggle with the pictures on the walls not hanging straight, this time I did not attempt to straighten them, instead I wrote about it and left them as is!

Image1

School of Hard Knocks

I stole the title of this post from a comment left on one of my other posts.

I believe kat from the blog ‘Time No Matter’ will understand.  Thanks kat, I truly appreciate every comment you write to me.

The other day in the afternoon I was sitting in the backyard writing a post and performing some research about a specific topic.  During this time, I read kat’s comment on my post ‘Learning the Hard Way‘.  This is a portion of her comment –

My father always told my mother, Kathy will just have to learn about life from the school of hard knocks!!! I was the most argumentative, stubborn, smart mouth kid around…LOL My mom always said, Don’t worry she will get hers when she starts having kids just like her, there’s always one just like them…LOL they were both right….I am still going to the school of hard knocks, learning from life…I still have a smart mouth…hummmm can’t believe that…LOL and I did have a son, just like myself…hard to raise and it still is at times….even though hes 29….but like me, he is love of a kid and would give up his right arm for the right person

That comment struck me hard!  She wrote something in that comment that I totally relate to.

Last year, in my post ‘Happy Birthday Son #1‘, I wrote the following –

Today is my oldest son’s birthday!

He is now approaching his middle 30s and I am honored to say he is my son.  Since he was a baby, I would always say “He is just like me, he has my personality”. Many times I have regretted saying that because I do not wish upon him or anyone else to be like me!  He is his own man; working, having children of his own and has become a very responsible person. But he does have some of my genes; the genes that cause struggles and challenges.

In today’s post, I write the following –

My son #1, turned 34 last month, you can read the post I wrote here: ‘# 34, my ‘kid’!‘.

I never want to write bad things about anyone, especially my sons.  This blog is about my life; but my sons are part of that life.  Son #1 has and still is experiencing tough times in his life.  We spoke on his birthday for the first time in 6 months.  This time period not speaking was not because I had not tried to contact him.  I try not to make it about me, but I do become angry and hurt when my calls are not returned.  I try to put myself in his shoes because I know he is going through some struggles in his life right now.  Struggles that are very similar to mine when I was his age.

As I continue to write this blog, I research, learn and discover me.  This part of me that causes struggles within me – maybe my son is going through this also.

And what about those calls that are never returned?  Well maybe, just maybe he is busy in the school of hard knocks.

You know who you are

In my post ‘It’s about you – not me‘, I concluded with the following –

A couple of months ago, I received some comments from readers that bothered me some; they affected me, I was a little offended and I responded nicely and appropriately.  These feelings I have come from my insecurities; I want to be honest with myself and those that read my words.  I try not to write uncomfortable words that offend or degrade or abuse others – that is not my purpose.

So after sometime thinking about those comments those words I read, I decided they were opinions and suggestions of others and not really about me.

Those comments, those words – It’s all about you – not me.

My words are my own and those are about me.

In today’s post I write the following –

So your comment ended up in my ‘Pending’ folder.  You know who you are.

I am a nice guy most of the time; yes, I can be mean and I have written posts about this.  I am complex and complicated and on this world trying to be a better person and live a better life.  Many of you have followed me for quite some time and others are just getting to know me.  I feel most of you know me well.

If you leave a comment on a post and it is displayed immediately, it is not you.

If you leave a comment for the first time and it needs to be approved, it is not you.

If you have left a previous comment and now your comment needs to be approved, it is you.

For that one person, who has commented before and now your comment goes to my ‘Pending’ folder, look at the top of this page.  What does it display?  It displays ‘it’s my life’.  That indicates I am writing about my life, not yours, nobody else’s, but mine.  I appreciate comments, but not yours.  First of all, you do not read all my posts, or maybe you do and do not click the ‘Like’ button.  I feel you do not know me, so therefore the comments I receive from you are about you and not me.  You know the comments you write are about you, because you end your comments with ‘Butting out again.’

Per thefreedictionary.com

butt in

Interfere, interrupt, intrude. For example, Mom is always butting in on our conversations, or It’s against the law for employers to butt in on personal matters. This term alludes to the thrusting of an animal with its horns. [Slang; 1890s]

Your ‘Butting out again’ comments that are few are no longer allowed on my blog.  I certainly do not go on your blog or anyone else’s and tell them how they should live their life.  If you are ‘Butting out again’, that means you were butting in; meaning you are interfering, interrupting or intruding.

Please do not interfere, interrupt or intrude any longer – please unfollow me – please butt out!

Me (2)

A Slow Learner am I

A Slow Learner am I.

I wrote a post in June of last year titled ‘2nd Grade & 2nd Grade‘; I would encourage you click the link and read it.  In that post I ended with the following –

As a young child I thought maybe I was retarded or maybe my parents thought I was.  Growing up into my adult years I thought I was stupid, as an middle aged adult I thought I had ADD and OCD, but now I know I have an intellectual disability.

Image1

Image Provided by: http://www.mysoti.com

In today’s post I write the following –

Google ‘A Slow Learner’ and the first results is from the thehealthsite.com and displays the following –

In order to grasp new concepts, a slow learner needs more time, a number of repetitions, patience and often more resources from teachers to be successful. In children with this condition, reasoning skills are typically delayed, which makes new concepts difficult to learn and grasp.

That was me as a young child, as a teenager later in high school and still today as an adult.  A slow learner am I; it takes me longer to learn and to retain.

In my post ‘ME and ADD‘, I wrote the following –

I have always had issues with concentrating, staying focus, impulsivity along with some emotional difficulties.  As a child this created issues with learning and my self-esteem.  As an adult, I learned to deal with and manage the symptoms resulting in a successful career and personal life – I learned to compensate for my weaknesses.  Many of the symptoms of ADD I continue to deal with on a daily basis and now that I am officially retired from working, some symptoms are stronger.  I believe this is due to the lack of focus I previously had with my job which was motivating, interesting and stimulating.  Now with more free time, feelings of not being in a hurry and having no focus, this has created more chaos then calmness in my mind.

In today’s post, I write the following –

My learning to be easy-going, to be cool under pressure and to handle stress is difficult for me.  A slow learner am I.   Every morning with my exercise and meditation I repeat to myself and remind myself it is a new day and with it comes new opportunities to be a better person.  “Stay calm under pressure”, I tell myself.  “Be patient and not controlling today”, is always a reminder to myself.  “Be the breath and stay in the moment” another important reminder.

A slow learner am I.

Image2

Image Provided by: http://www.mysoti.com

I do learn: I need quite surroundings to read, learn and comprehend.  I learn best when I am regimented, scheduled, and focused.

A slow learner am I.

I will learn, I will overcome, I will achieve, I will become.

A slow learner am I.

Repetition, patience, extra time and additional resources, I will learn.

A slow learner am I.

I will learn, I will overcome, I will achieve, I will become.

indecisive

merriam-webster.com –

Simple Definition of indecisive

: not able to make choices quickly and confidently

: not settling something or making something final or certain

In my post ‘Realtor, Trip, Sale’, I wrote the following –

This coming Monday, we leave for another trip to the next location that we will call home.  Unlike the past trips last year, this one we will fly and not drive.  This trip to our selected new location will be to search for resale homes and/or communities to possibly build a new home.

In my post ‘The Curveball‘, I wrote the following –

For years now Gary and I have debated, deliberated and diligently searched not only locations but our souls with regards to what our next chapter is.  Choices, criteria, restrictions, wants and needs played into our decision as to what that next chapter is.  We thought Vero Beach was the next chapter, the final chapter.  And maybe it will be the final chapter, but not the next chapter.

In today’s post I write the following –

We arrived back home here in Dallas a week ago this past Saturday after spending 4 full days viewing properties.  We explored Vero Beach, Florida and maybe the initial excitement we experienced back in December was not as strong this time; but we do like the area.

Last Thursday, photos were taken of our current home for the upcoming listing later this week.  Now that photos are completed, the continuation of downsizing will take place.  The house is decluttered, but we are planning to reduce the amount of furniture we still have.  We use our local neighborhood website, ‘Craig’s List’, and apps such as ‘5 Miles’, ‘letgo’ and ‘OfferUp’ to sell items with some success.

I currently am completing my activities with remaining minor home improvements and Gary and I will complete the sprucing of the yard and garden in the next couple of days.   The house is planned to go on the market for sale this Thursday, April 14.

Will we be ready?  What about our future; Plan A or Plan B?

We will be ready for this big day, and hopefully the choice with Plan A or Plan B will be made very soon.  Gary and I are ready to move from our current location and not having a clear choice made is not a problem for us.  The planning of what to do with our belongings is made, but the question “Where do we go next?” still remains unanswered.

urbandictionary.com has the following –

indecisive

having the power to determine an outcome but not being able to decide on a conclusion / unable to make up your mind / can’t decide.