It feels like a dream

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It feels like a dream

This reality of mine

For it seems only yesterday

My days were always full of sunshine

 

Now no matter the day

With the sunshine or none

I wake every morning

Waiting for the day to be done

 

For each passing day

Takes me closer to it

That all important day

When my breath is ready to quit

 

Each day becomes difficult

Some a little, some a lot

This is not what I envisioned

This is not what I had thought

 

It feels like a dream

This reality of mine

The daily pains, the daily struggles

It must be a sign

 

This body of mine

The look and the feel

My cancer in my body

It all seems unreal

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Dreaming with Color

My friends this past week I have had unexpected change in plans.

After my appointment last Tuesday with Dr. C., he decided to admit me into the hospital.

Since then, much has taken place and this weekend I have more family visiting.

I plan to post everyday – this is my goal.

For the next several days, I have a favor to ask.

I need some rest, some time to catchup on me.

Comments are disabled today.

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While in the hospital and spending time by myself provides me time to think, dream, ponder, and reflect.

There is much to take place in the near future, and I will let you know what that is soon.

There is much to take in and think about and ponder about.

There is much to take in and dream about and reflect about.

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goodbyes or Thank You

I have in the past had dreams where I woke up and voice recorded what I remember about the dream.  A couple of months ago, I had one of those dreams and though I did not remember a great deal of detail about the dream, I went ahead and voice recorded what I did remember.  It was an important dream, because it involved all of my family and I felt it had significance.

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What was is about and what is its significance?

I was in a large room and all my family were there, everyone.  There were my sons and my parents and my siblings.  There also were my aunts, uncles and cousins, nieces and nephews.  And one other person was there; no longer considered family, but she was there – my ex-wife.

I am approaching each one of them and grasping their hands and hugging them and having a brief chat.  I have no recall what these discussions were about, but I felt it was the last time I was going to see them.  This whole event appeared to everyone including me as not a big deal, it was not exciting nor somber; there was no laughter and there were no tears – it just was the family being together.

Amongst all the family members in line, also standing there is my oldest son, and I bypassed him; I felt I had nothing to say to him.

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You may remember back in March I wrote a post ‘ESTRANGED‘, and I concluded with the following –

One of my sons calls on a regular basis – thank you son.  The other two sons do not call me and in the past I would call them, but now no longer do I call. 

These 2 sons I saw at Thanksgiving and they were aware of my surgery.  These 2 sons I have not heard from since my surgery.  These 2 sons I have not spoken with since Thanksgiving.

Are we estranged?

Again, I just do not understand why?

In the past, I had asked myself, what did I do or not do to deserve the absence from my life; the no communication and the appearance of not caring?

Again, I refuse to blame myself any longer. 

Again, I refuse to cry anymore tears.

In today’s post, I conclude with the following –

Since this dream took place, I have spoken with both of these sons and will write about in a future post.  But in this dream, why did I not acknowledge the oldest son?  And what was this dream about?

Is the dream about me saying my goodbyes before I die?

Is the dream about me saying “Thank You” for your thoughts and prayers that have now brought me to being healthy once again?

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I decided to not put more thought into interpreting this dream; I do not think there is a need to.

Perhaps at the time of this dream, I was still blaming myself and angry, especially at my oldest son.  My relationship is different with him than the other two and our differences and similarities go back a long way.

I do believe my sons truly care about me.  It maybe they just do not know how to display it.

Then it changed

Almost one year ago today my post ‘it’s not a dream‘, began with these words –

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I woke this morning my usual time between 4-5 AM with the same thoughts on my mind as I had when I laid my head down on the pillow the night before.  As I am drinking my coffee I think about these thoughts and I think to myself ‘Was that a dream?’  Then it occurs to me, ‘No it’s not a dream.’  The events of the day before really did occur.

Almost one year later in this post, I begin with the following words –

Many of you know what took place last year and what has taken place so far this very young year.

There are times I write my thoughts down or voice record them for future use in a post.  Sometimes these thoughts are then forgotten for a while until a later time when I want to write a post about them.  Some of these thoughts were documented when I was in a certain mood or having specific feelings about my life at a particular time.

The following is some of that documentation; it was sometime last year, before Stage 4, before chemotherapy, before surgery and before recovery –

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I do not feel inspirational, I do not feel strong, I do not feel anything.  You my friends write comments with compliments.  I wake in the mornings to feel pain and I cry.  Not because of the cancer, not because I am dealing with stuff of the day.  I feel nobody understands, I know it is just me – I am not receiving the support and interest that I want.  It upsets me because I really do not feel anyone is really interested in me.  I know people are, and my family is, but I really do not feel they are – I feel like I am going through this alone.  Really, nobody is truly interested.  I get on the phone and when I do receive a phone call, I just say ‘It is all good, everything will be fine.’  ‘I have some aches and pains.’  But truly I do not want them to know what I really am feeling.  I do not sugarcoat it but do not want to give them all the information because I do not want to bring them down.  I do not feel inspirational, I am just dealing with anger, dealing with pain, dealing with tiredness.  I do not feel grateful or thankful or happy – I have no motivation.  I do not feel anything positive right now, everything right now is an effort – nothing is great – I just exist.

Today, in this post, I want to conclude with the following –

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But then it changed.  Why?  Because the body became sicker and the illness more serious?

What changed is I received a great deal of support and encouragement from you.

I am currently recovering from my surgery and I continue to receive support and encouragement from you – just what the doctor ordered.

(Note: my responses to your comments will be delayed this week.  Please understand I continue to be in recovery mode and am moving slow.)

a job; and I was naked!

In my post ‘Spending time away‘, I wrote the following –

While I am on one of the biggest ships, sailing the Atlantic Ocean visiting several Caribbean islands; my plan involves some days publishing a brand-new post and other days re-publishing an older post.  I wrote posts early in my blog that received little exposer and I consider them among others as interesting posts. I know I can reblog these posts, but decided instead to create a new post for each and give a different name to them.

I appreciate everyone taking the time to stop by, read and leave many wonderful comments.  My time away sailing and enjoying other activities will result in time offline and will prevent me from responding to the many wonderful comments I receive.  Therefore, I will be disabling the comments on many of my upcoming posts while spending time away.  There will be times I will have some time online and you will see me a little here and there on WP.  But, most of my time will be offline having fun, relaxing and enjoying the sun.

In today’s post, I write the following –

These words were originally published in June, 2015 –

Recently I have been having some interesting dreams while sleeping.  A couple of nights ago I had a dream that included my boss at my last job I had prior to retiring.  She is a pretty lady, about 20 years younger than me and I liked her and respected her very much.  She was in my thoughts earlier in the day so I assume that is why she was in my dream – no other reason I can think of.  Anyway I dreamed I was going back to work and I was thinking I had 2 job offers, one from her and one from someone else.  I went to see her first to find out if I was offered a job; and I was naked!

I was in a room by myself naked, standing with no clothes on, nothing!  She walked in and gave me a look, not a surprised look, just a look.  I remember being a little embarrassed, but was somewhat ok with the situation.  Previously having worked for her and others in a small company for almost 10 years, we all became close friends – almost like family.  By no means did I have an attraction for her and there was certainly no attraction from her for me – so not sure why I was naked in front of her in my dream.  Back to the dream; there I am standing in front of her naked and I do not remember anything being said, but I some point it was obvious to me there was a company policy that when someone was offered a job, the whole company was present to offer it.  One by one, other people started to walk into the room with me standing there naked.  No one said a word and neither did I.  The others when walking into the room gave me a look, not a surprised look, just a look.  I remember continuing to be a little embarrassed, but was still ok with the situation.

I decided to research dreaming about being naked and this is what I found on the dreammoods.com website:

This website indicates an in depth analyses for common naked dreams include the following: Nudity indicates vulnerability, Nudity indicates fear of exposure, Nudity indicates insecurity, Nudity indicates feeling unprepared, Nudity indicates arrogance, Nudity indicates freedom of expression, Nudity indicates attention.

The conclusion of the naked dreams analysis –

Often times, when you realize that you are naked in your dream, no one else seems to notice. Everyone else in the dream is going about their business without giving a second look at your nakedness. It just reiterates that your concerns or anxieties are your own projections; no one will notice except you. You may be magnifying the situation and making an issue out of nothing.

So here I am writing my blog posts and telling my life stories, the good, the bad and the ugly parts of me and my life, this process I believe is me taking my clothes off and standing naked in front of you.

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Vessel

About a month ago I had a dream in which I woke up and immediately voice recorded what I remembered about it.  I like trying to figure out the meaning of dreams; there can be some interesting interpretations.

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My words I spoke and recorded are the following –

I had a dream last night that I was running away from something and that I had done something and was in trouble and that law enforcement was after me.  Then I was on some type of vessel similar to an airplane, but something bigger with lots of people.  And this is where I was caught and I could not go any further.  And then the law enforcement left and I was inside of this vessel and there also was my family and I had to tell my family what I had done and what was going to happen to me.  At that time, I was to go to prison; go to jail and spend my days locked away and to never come back.  And my family did not seem upset, they did not seem surprised, they just seem to accept that this was the circumstances and this was the result and this would be accepted and they would carry on with their lives.

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Some interpretations –

Dreaming about the police could symbolize many different things, so please consider all of the details carefully. If the police are chasing you, it suggests that you may be feeling some guilt about something that you have done or have been thinking of doing. The police could be addressing Karmic…

To dream of police signifies issues of power and control. Investigate the nature of the police in your dream – were they helpful or bullying?  Look at issues of authority in your life. Do you feel controlled by others or perhaps you’ve been too controlling yourself.

If a person sees a vessel approaching him, it is a glad tiding that he will soon find solutions to his problems and be delivered from anxieties.

Imprisonment in a dream means benefits, money and comfort. It also could mean the reversal of one’s condition for the worst.

About being in jail – “health problems” (Some people suffer from terrible illnesses. It is almost as if they are imprisoned in a body which inflicts pain and suffering on them)

The first thing to ask yourself if you begin having dreams about acceptance is whether you accept yourself. Many times your own critical voice appears in your dreams in the guise of another person. Dreams about acceptance are often less about your relationship with other people than about your relationship with yourself.

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The meaning of this dream to me –

The law enforcement –

Do I feel guilty that I have cancer and therefore preventing Gary and I from our travel adventure?  Or maybe it is that I allowing the cancer to be controlling over me and my life.

The vessel –

The solution to my cancer may be near and therefore I will find some peace.

The prison and jail –

My health will take a turn for the worse; more procedures, more needles and blood tests and more doctor’s appointments.

The acceptance –

I have come to accept what is taking place with me and my cancer.  I understand the current events may just be a short path to a much larger road that will be taken.

The Truck on The Pole

dreamstop.com has the following –

Truck – A truck is a dream symbol of transportation, which almost always represents the journey toward your aims, goals, and aspirations. A truck is a fairly optimistic symbol, as it encompasses overtones such as stability and toughness, as well as the ability to drive over obstacles or haul them out of the way, and four-wheel drive to keep you going even if the driving surface is slick or slippery.

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About a month ago, I had a dream.  I woke and promptly voice recorded my dream.  Here are those words –

My truck is somehow balanced on a very tall pole.  The pole maybe 40-50 feet high and is near buildings in a courtyard type setting.  There are many people walking around and most do not see the truck.  I get a very tall ladder and climb to the truck thinking I can just drive the truck off the pole.  I realize I am unable to do this and get out of the truck and lock the door not realizing I left the truck running.  It is not until much later I realize I have another set of keys in my pocket.  While the truck is running, I search for someone that will help me.  There are many people around, but I feel not just anyone can help so I select a few to ask.  The people I ask are security guards, policemen, people with an authority or respect.  Some are willing to help and others will not.  Finally, someone offers to help and during the time it is talked about how to get the truck off the tall pole; the other people around start realizing what is taking place.  A crowd gathers and finally the determination is that the only way to remove the truck from the pole is to use a very large building crane.  This is the ending to my dream, and I wake and wonder what this dream was about.

dreammoods.com has the following –

Pole 

To see a pole in your dream represents security and stability. The dream is a reminder that you always have something or someone you can lean on.

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I believe my dream represents my journey that is beginning to take place.  Not the travel adventure that is currently on hold, but my personal journey with cancer.  And though there will be many people to support me and be there for me, I will rely on one person that I respect who will be there every step of the way.  He is stronger than I, balanced and towering high like a building crane upwards above the tallest buildings.

I will be tough and move forward over the obstacles that will be in my way.  But, I know also I have someone I can lean on for security and stability.

When the surgery takes place, a crowd will gather of family and friends.  My new journey will begin and that someone that is Gary will be there for me as he always has been.

Security, Stability Optimism, Toughness – someone to lean on – that is the dream, that is my reality.