Controlled Drinking

Okay stay with me – there is some time warping taking place here – I write some thoughts today – then there are thoughts from the past – thoughts from other posts – then back to today.

I sometimes will write a post and for certain reasons will not publish it.  I then will go back to an unpublished post and feel it needs to be published because it is important and relevant today.

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Here is one of those posts; I wrote the following words over a year ago –

This will be the last post I write about drinking!  From my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.18’, I ended with the following –

I was feeling out of control and handled it by drinking everyday as much as I could.  The alcohol changed my behavior from bad to evil.  It was not creating a state of mind that took me away from the craziness I felt: instead it created an evil person that hated life and everything about it.

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In my post ‘Drink, Drink, Drink’, I ended with the following –

Ok, there you have it; I am in the heavy drinking category and have AUD.  On the NIH site I read some questions to ask to assess oneself with AUD.  Of the 11 questions they asked, I answered ‘Yes’ to 1 question.

I ask again “So, am I an alcoholic?”  I guess I may be per the definition of the word – but I answered ‘Yes’ to 1 question indicating I have AUD – I understand the effects of heavy drinking – but I continue to do it anyway.

There is a good article on the goodtherapy.org website titled ‘Stopping at the Buzz: How to Control Your Drinking’ and includes the following –

In my practice as an addiction psychologist, it’s probably the most common question I encounter; when it comes right down to it, it’s what most people who are struggling with alcohol really want to know:

“How can I control my drinking or drug use?”

For some drinkers, controlled drinking or moderate drinking is an option, and for a small portion of the population, about 5%, controlled drinking is nearly impossible. While many people believe “once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic,” many people diagnosed with alcoholism can learn to control their drinking and become social drinkers again. That said, if you have been diagnosed with alcohol dependence, most addiction psychologists, psychiatrists, physicians, social workers, and addiction counselors would strongly recommend abstinence. This is always a very personal decision that should be made with careful consideration of the risks and benefits of drinking versus abstinence.

Okay there you have it – I am controlling my drinking.  I am aware of the risks of long term drinking use, but unlike in my 20s, I have it under control and do not drink for the wrong reasons.  The depression years are over, the stress in my life is reduced, and yes, I still have a few issues in my mind to deal with, but my mind is no longer out of control.

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I have taken the option to control my drinking and to not use it to take me away from reality.

Today, I write and conclude with these words –

The above words I wrote a year ago, and little did I know; I was totally correct about me and my drinking behavior.  I do have it under control as since my cancer diagnosis I have all but quit drinking.  For a time, a few months ago, I stopped drinking because of chemo.  Since my chemo is over, I do drink again, but limit myself.

Do I need to justify my drinking habits to anyone?  I don’t think so, but I just did.

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(Note: recently no alcohol intake is taking place due to antibiotics and pain medication intake.  With a major surgery scheduled in 3 weeks, the continued practice of not drinking will continue.)

Insomnia Talking (unplugged)

A couple of weeks ago in my post ‘Sleep‘, I wrote the following –

Upon my cancer diagnosis and the treatment plan, I stopped drinking on a regular basis, and now with taking only the medications that are essential in my recovery – my sleep is affected.  Without something to aid me, my usual sleep habit for most of my life is back – basically insomnia.

In today’s post, I write the following –

During one of those sleepless nights, I voice recording my feelings and thoughts.

Here are those words – (unedited & unplugged)

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Image Provided by: Brain Core Therapy NC

I am angry – it is 11:45 PM and I am angry and I am pissed off.

I am pissed off because everyone is asleep and I am awake; I am sitting here awake.

I am sitting here awake because I can’t sleep, and I drank.

And I drank so it can help me sleep, but I can’t sleep and I am awake, and I am mad at you and everybody else because you are sleeping and I am not.

And why am I in a bad mood every day, because I can’t sleep?

Because I am mad at you, because you are asleep and I am not?

And I am sitting here awake and I just want to walk and leave and die and be away from everything – but no, I have to sit here.

I have to sit here and deal with this shit and deal with this life that God or somebody gave me.

I have to just deal with everything that is given me and I am supposed to be in a good mood, I am supposed to be happy.

But I can’t be happy because I am sitting here at midnight, awake because I can’t sleep.

And I am mad at you and everybody else that is asleep right now.

I am mad at every one of you because you are asleep and I am not because I sitting here awake because I can’t sleep.

And I am angry and I am mad.

And I want to just kill myself, I want to just die; I just don’t want to be here.

And you don’t understand why I don’t want to be here.

Because this is what I have to deal with every day.

This is what I have to deal with – this – and cancer and everything else in my life.

And you wonder why I don’t want to be here.

It angers me; I don’t want to be here.

The end of the voice recording.

I conclude with the following –

Know my friends, that was just one night that I struggled with major insomnia and since then the nights are much better and no longer sleepless.

Also, know, I am no longer using alcohol to help me sleep.

The Good Drunk

My category ‘Pictures & Stories’ are posts with me writing a fictional, creative short story about a picture.

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The Good Drunk –

Is she a drunk?  That eye, that smile, do they tell the story of who this woman really is?  What about a boxer?  Could she be a street fighter?  Who is this mysterious woman?

A busy, hectic and demanding day well demanded a drink!  The bar was unusually busy that evening with regular patrons partaking in their usual drinks of choice.  Who were all these other people here for the first time?  Why was the bar filled with people needing a drink or maybe needing each other’s company?  The music is loudly playing the songs of yesteryear from the jukebox and the clinking of glasses and voices of the people consume the space.  Noise is soon replaced with silence as the front door slams and the figure walks out of the shadows.

It is her!  But who is she and why is she here?

As she makes her way to the bar, the crowd begins to play the role of drinkers again and the music once again begins to play.  As she approaches the bar, the bartender asks for her request and quickly proceeds to fulfill it.  The Shirley Temple is sipped slowly as she focuses on the room of drinkers.  Those drinkers are drinking due to a busy, hectic and demanding day.  As her glass is emptied she turns around for another request while at the same time the patron next to her begins to rise from his barstool.  What takes place next will shock them both.

The man’s elbow firmly encounters this mysterious woman’s eye with severe force.  The knockdown takes place with a smash – the good drunk is down.

Who is this mysterious woman?