Spoonful of Sugar

I wrote in yesterday’s post ‘A Few Days in the Hospital‘, that I am in the hospital with the hopes of identifying the source of my extreme intense pain I have experienced for weeks now.  I had a great deal of interaction with different doctors yesterday and substantial amount of information was given as well as what their expectations are by this Friday.

20170416_194313 (2)The usual CT Scan took place Tuesday evening in the abdominal and pelvic area, as this is where most pain is felt.  Wednesday pain medications were changed and increased and administered via IV for a much quicker response.  The purpose is to reduce my pain level from a level 10 to a level 4.  Because of the amount of pain medications, I am taking, my bowel movements are all but nonexistent.  All possible options to start the movement, did not work and as I sit here Thursday morning writing this post, I am very uncomfortable.

We needed a movement yesterday because I am to receive an MRI today.  I will get to the reasons for the importance of this a little later.  With the increase in pain medications it was hoped the extreme pain I experience in my right groin will subside so that I may be able to straighten my right leg while lying flat on my back.  This is currently not the case, my right leg must be bent at the knee for me to lay flat on my back.  Because the MRI requires laying on my back and being very still for a substantial amount of time, it is important the legs not be bent.

Image3What are the other alternatives?  Sedation or in my case Anesthesia.  Anesthesia is not the best because of the risks involved plus the administration and recovery time necessary.  Plus, as mentioned above with no bowel movements there is a chance while under anesthesia, accidents can happen.  But, at this time the MRI is important and therefore needs to take place.

Prior to Tuesday’s CT Scan, I had to drink contrast, which as many of us know too well does not have the greatest taste.  Yesterday of the possible options to start the bowels moving, I had to drink something that once again did not have the greatest taste.

If only I has a spoonful of sugar, I am sure the medicines would have gone down in the most delightful way.

I still plan one day to catch-up on responding to comments and reading your posts.

More to come tomorrow my friends.

Failed

In last Friday’s post ‘for as long as possible‘, I wrote the following –

It is Friday and today is the day I am looking for pain relief – today is the day I receive my Superior Hypogastric Nerve Block procedure.  I certainly will update you next week with how I feel and the results of this procedure.

Next Monday I start my radiation treatments; another potential for pain relief.  I have no expectations concerning the radiation, except I want something good to come from it.

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In today’s post, I write the following –

Friday as I am being prepared for the procedure upon taking with the doctor, I find out this procedure will not be a simulation.  The simulation would only last a couple of days and if it worked, then I would go back and have the actual procedure for the long term relief.  This procedure should provide long term relief which may be a couple of weeks or a couple of months.

The procedure takes place and immediately I do not feel any difference.  Considering they gave me pain medication during the procedure, I thought I would be feeling no pain at all.  The pain was just as significant as before the procedure; Gary and I felt very disappointed.  Gary sees what I go through each day and he is frustrated the doctors cannot find the source of the pain.  He asks the doctor who performed the procedure to contact my Oncologist Dr. L. to see if there are any other tests that can be performed – there must be something they have missed for me to be feeling this amount of pain.  Dr. L indicates there are no other tests and the radiation treatment that starts on Monday should help with reducing the pain.

It is Friday evening and as usual my pain is great and I am feeling little to no difference in my pain level several hours after the procedure was done.  I take my usual amount of evening pills and prepare myself for another rough night.  The nightly routine is Gary sleeps in the bed and I sleep on the recliner.  I am unable to lie flat in the bed without feeling significate pain.  The recliner provides me some relief because I can position myself lightly upright, which takes pressure off my lower back pain.

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I am sitting in the recliner preparing myself for another night’s sleep and Gary is sitting in a chair next to me and I begin to cry.  He places his hand on mine and I tell him, I feel like I am dying and my body is starting to shut down and I will not be around much longer.

I say to him ‘I have failed you.’

Gator Gary

My category ‘Pictures & Stories’ are posts with me writing a fictional, creative short story about a picture.

Gator GaryGator Gary –

It was on the bucket list #8, just behind #7 Mud Wresting a Baboon.

So, #8, is to ride a gator.

As time approached to attempt the completion of bucket list #8, the anxiety increased.

But who was more anxious?

Gary was ready and mentally prepared for the task; bucket list #8.

The Gator not so much.

As the mounting of the Gator took place, there was a frozen stance.

The Gator in its frozen stance did not respond to Gary’s commands.

So, would bucket list #8 be checked off as completed?

Larger Lymph Nodes

In last Friday’s post ‘Fluid‘, I concluded with the following –

The CAT Scan results indicate the current chemotherapy is NOT working – some Lymph Nodes previously identified as having cancer are now larger.

My life is currently fluid.

In today’s post, I begin with the following –

Monday, I had my first of two Facet Injections into my spine in hopes of relieving my pain.

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Image Provided by: Pacific Pain Medicine Consultants

I am going to give it a few days, and then I will let you know how I feel about the results of this procedure.

As mentioned in last Friday’s post, it was determined my current chemotherapy treatment is NOT working.  A CAT Scan indicated Lymph Nodes with cancer are larger now compared to the last scan.  There is no indication at this point of any cancer in my major organs; this is good news.

What are the next steps?

My Oncologist Dr. L. is out of town for a while and this is one reason for having the CAT Scan and visit last week.

My next appointment is not for a couple of weeks at which time we will determine the next steps in my cancer treatment.  We agreed to wait a couple of weeks because the first Facet Injection will have taken place as well as my consultation with a Radiation Oncologist.

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Image Provided by: moffitt.org

The appointment with the Radiation Oncologist will determine if radiation will be an available option for my widespread Lymph Node cancer.

Not only are there larger Lymph Nodes; the CAT Scan also indicated there are additional Lymph Nodes that are invaded with cancer as well.

So, what comes next; what do we do?

Oncologist Dr. L. has indicated to me there are other options available to me in the fight again my cancer.

As the weeks’ progress; procedures and appointments will take place that will help determine what these options are.

Months of pain have increased in my body and my emotions have increased in a negative way.  20170416_194313 (2)The past several weeks posts reflected my attitude; and now I have the news that chemotherapy is not working.   Each day I wake and try again.  I try to be strong – I try to be positive – I try to be optimistic.  Some days are better than others, but I keep trying.

I know there are other options.

In the weeks to come, these other options will reveal themselves.

In the meantime, each day I keep trying.

Negative, out of me

I write posts about my life, my experiences, my feelings & emotions and my cancer.

I am very prepared and have posts written in advanced; so, sometimes when I publish a post, it could be a week ago I wrote it or sometimes even longer.

Why am I telling you this?

Because my life like others is fluid and changes daily and even sometimes many times a day.

Negative, ‘downer’ posts as I refer to them have been dominating my blog lately.

I felt after yesterday’s post, I needed to explain.

Thank you for your time.

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Negative, out of me –

my new normal life

A couple of weeks ago in my post ‘I had a bad day‘, I concluded with the following excerpts –

I was not having a happy day

This past Sunday, I had a bad day

In today’s post, I write the following –

July of last year in my post ‘Good‘, I wrote the following words –

I honestly feel many people don’t want to hear how others truly feel. 

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I think out of courtesy to others we ask; especially those that are dealing with a physical illness.  If I were to respond to the question differently and say “I feel very bad today, my body hurts and my bladder is burning and I am very tired.”, what would the response be?  I do not really know.  I doubt I would receive the same response as I do when responding with ‘I am good!”

Back when I wrote that post and up until recently, while in public I would pretend to be healthy, pretend to be happy, pretend to have fun and pretend to be normal.

Those days, they have changed.

I walk slower and usually am bent over – the lower back is always in pain and walking at times is difficult.

Yes, I have been out a little bit to explore the new surroundings in our new location.  I take pain medication with me ‘just in case’.

While exploring these new surroundings, I see the other people, the crowds of people who are normal, having fun and seeming healthy and happy.

I have a sense of bitterness, a sense of hatred because these people are normal and living a normal life.  These people are having fun and doing things, going about their lives and enjoying their day, each day.

After my exploring of new surroundings in our new location, after walking slower and usually bent over because the lower back is always in pain, I return home.  The event of the day, just the walking results in more pain, more pain medication, a bad mood and bitterness.

I don’t enjoy my days, there are very few days I enjoy – I am bitter.

This has become my new normal life.

(I wrote this post a couple of weeks ago, and to a certain point continue to have these feelings.  These feelings are negative and serve no good purpose.  My pain has increased and I am being tested.  I end this post with the following quote.)

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Image Provided by: Quote Master

Writing Frustration

Lately I am tired quite a bit, the pain medications cause me to be drowsy.

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I find it difficult to concentrate and therefore make many mistakes in my writing.

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Image Provided by: That Cute Site

Most of the mistakes I find, because I must proof read everything these days.

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The posts I write and the comments I leave on other’s posts and the response comments I leave on my posts; I must proof read them several times.

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Upon proof reading, I have found I will leave a word completely out of a sentence.  My brain knows what words I what to type, but the fingers are not always typing those words.  I also am finding more errors with switching letters, you know that dyslexia that I have.

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My tiredness and lack of concentration is causing me to make many mistakes.  And even after proof reading, I still find errors.

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Image Provided by: Awesome Inventions

Writing Frustration.

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her words, her love

2015, I started my blog on the 13th, so I missed Mother’s Day because it was on the 10th of that year.

2016, my post ‘about you, moms!‘, was dedicated to you the moms who follow my blog.

2017, I dedicate this special day to my mom.  I have written many posts about her and the importance of her is my life.  To recognize her for just one day is not enough.

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I wrote in last year’s Mother’s Day post –

I have written several posts about my mom and her importance in my life.  You can read more about her in these posts ‘Thanks Mom!‘, ‘Magnificent‘ and ‘Happy Birthday Mom‘.  She also has been mentioned in other posts as she was my main support during my years of major depression.  She is important to me and I truly think she is the best mom in the world! 

Since last year’s Mother’s Day post, I have also wrote this post about my mom ‘My mom, she worries‘.

My mom does worry as I think most moms do about their children.  She knows I am sick with a disease that is significant.  And at times on our phone conversations she will cry, I do not want her to, but she does.  I know I am important to her just as much as she is important to me.

But, 2 days ago, this past Friday, it was my turn to cry.  I called my mom because I needed her.  The pain level was high that day and I was having difficulty dealing with it and being optimistic about the future.  I cried on the phone to my mom and told her I was feeling tired and weak and worn down.  I don’t know how I was going to continue on.  I was showing my weakness to my mom and I told her I always want to show strength in dealing with my cancer and the affects it is having on my body.

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She told me no one can bear this much weight without showing some weakness every once in a while.  She said to let it out, let go of the frustrations and worries.  As I cried, I felt comfort in her words, my mom’s words have helped me many times in my life, her words, her love; they provide me something that no one else can give me.  That is my mom, my biggest supporter and encourager; she has always helped me during difficult times in my life as she continues to do so today.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom!