ESTRANGED

Over a year ago, in my post ‘The Good Me & The Bad Her‘, I wrote the following words –

Some of you know my feelings about me as a father to my sons.  Many years I felt like a failure because I was out of my son’s lives at a young age – they do not really know me.  This is one reason for starting this blog; I want to share me and who I am and my life in writing so my sons may someday know who I was and know who I am.

In today’s post, I write the following –

From Google –

es·tranged

iˈstrānjd/

adjective

adjective: estranged

(of a person) no longer close or affectionate to someone; alienated.

“Harriet felt more estranged from her daughter than ever”

(of a wife or husband) no longer living with their spouse.

past participle: estranged

“his estranged wife”

I just do not understand why?

In the past, I had asked myself, what did I do or not do to deserve the absence from my life; the no communication and the appearance of not caring?

I refuse to blame myself any longer.

I refuse to cry anymore tears.

But it does still bothers me, more so today, because my life has changed, my health has changed.

Life threatening or not, shouldn’t this bring us closer?

image2

Image Provided by: Pinterest • The world’s catalog of ideas

I have not written about my relationship with my sons in quite a while.  I have written posts about their birthdays, but nothing specifically about our relationship today.

My sons have known about my cancer since I found out about it; I have hidden nothing from them.  You remember it was important for me to visit my family for Thanksgiving.  I did see my 3 sons at that time and I feel fortunate to have spent some time with them.  For many years I would not receive a call from my sons and it was always me calling them because I was interested in them and their lives.  Many years I did not receive a call on my birthday and even Father’s Day.  I blamed their lack of interest in me on myself; it was my fault.  I overcame this self-blame last year after writing posts about them and me and our relationship.  Today, I no longer blame myself.

One of my sons calls on a regular basis – thank you son.  The other two sons do not call me and in the past I would call them, but now no longer do I call.

These 2 sons I saw at Thanksgiving and they were aware of my surgery.  These 2 sons I have not heard from since my surgery.  These 2 sons I have not spoken with since Thanksgiving.

Are we estranged?

Again, I just do not understand why?

image3

Image Provided by: Goodreads

In the past, I had asked myself, what did I do or not do to deserve the absence from my life; the no communication and the appearance of not caring?

Again, I refuse to blame myself any longer.

Again, I refuse to cry anymore tears.

But it does still bothers me, more so today, because my life has changed, my health has changed.

Roxy is excited

Hello everyone –

As many of you know I am very late on responding to comments this week – and for that I am sorry. I will try my best to catch-up this weekend.

I ended up staying in the hospital until yesterday – and now am resting comfortably at home.

Gary and I are excited for me to be home, but I think Roxy is the most excited.

too many variables

Several days ago, in my post ‘the next 9 days‘, I wrote about having an appointment with my Oncologist Dr. D. last Friday.  That appointment was to discuss the results of my MRI I had the previous day and the future plans regarding the current pain I am experiencing.

Before I proceed, let me fill you in on some details about my current health.  I have Stage 4 bladder cancer and have an upcoming major surgery planned and past posts have me explaining the significance of my cancer and my upcoming surgery.

The significance of my cancer is the survival rate after 5 years is slim.  The significance of my surgery is to remove the source of the cancer because it has a very high percentage rate of coming back.  In fact, it already has – even after 12 weeks of chemotherapy last year, there is already a new tumor in my bladder.

image3

Image Provided by: of.sucrap.com

Before I proceed, let me fill you in on some details about Gary.  He retired from the United States Army as a Lieutenant Colonel after serving 22 years.  As a Medevac helicopter pilot, he has commanded others during times of crises and he also has held positions of Comptroller overseeing military hospitals.

Gary’s military commander experiences inspire him to have a strong personality and at times he can be a little dynamic.  This background also aides him in taking control of situations and being prepared as much as possible.  With his comptroller experience; he likes numbers and working with those numbers in various equations always end with a precise exact result.

20161212_155659

Gary has been by my side each day, going with me to doctor visits and he sees the pain I have experienced.

Last Friday the appointment with Dr. D. had Gary asking questions during a time of crisis, looking at various equations and wanting a precise exact result.

Dr. D. is unable to provide some answers and a precise exact result Gary wants.  She did however provide her view based on her expertise about my cancer and my future.

The appointment last Friday had Dr. D. indicating the cancer may have spread to my nerves based on the information I had provided her concerning my recent pain.  My cancer has already spread to my abdominal lymph-nodes and there is a new tumor in my bladder.  The cancer could be elsewhere now, but too small to detect.

Based on my current pain and the significance and type of my cancer, the future certainly holds some uncertainties.

Last Friday, we are still in Dr. D.’s main area where the patient rooms are located and before leaving I had to make a restroom stop.  Upon my return, Dr. D. has her hand on Gary’s shoulder comforting him as tears flow from his eyes.

Image1

Image Provided By: spearfruit.com

He wants to command a crisis that is not in his control and he wants precise exact results for an equation that has too many variables.

He wants me to be well, happy and out of pain.

It’ll rain a sunny day

Much of the United States is experiencing bad weather and here in Pensacola, we have our taste of winter as the last few nights have dipped into the 20s and the days were no higher than the 40s.  A couple of weeks ago, we received record rain fall and just this past Friday the local meteorologist predicted a high percentage of rain for that day.

Much of the weather recently has been a reflection of my moods, my thoughts and emotions.  Last Friday’s rain started falling quickly and with a vengeance immediately upon the return to our RV after an emotional doctor visit earlier that morning.

Yesterday in my post ‘expectations‘, I wrote about my visit with my Urologist Dr. P. to discuss my current pain I was experiencing and the details of my upcoming surgery.

This coming Thursday, I have my pre-surgical appointment at the hospital where my surgery will take place.  I suspect the usual blood work and tests will be performed and the signing of papers will occur.

One week from today my surgery will take place.

It was over a year ago; back in September 2015 when I noticed it, something was different.

Little did I know back that many months ago, I would be having a major surgery.  Little did I know my life would forever change.

I have always been honest here and have no reason to not be.  These past weeks while experiencing a great deal of pain has taken its toll on me not only physically but emotionally as well.  I have wept many times these past weeks not only because of the pain, but also because of my current quality of life.  I also have wept because I am frightened.  I am frightened about major surgery, recovery and the rest of my life.

I have survived many events and experiences in my life.  I have lived through 2 suicide attempts and a major depression.

I have had my share of struggles and overcame them and survived.  But this time I am frightened, truly I am.

To my family and those friends around me here in the RV park; I am strong, all will be good, I will be fine.

To you my friends here on WP, I am fragile, I am frightened and I weep.

I feel I do not have to be strong here, I am my true self, my faults, my weaknesses and my emotions and feelings are here.

This coming week will I continue to weep?

Most likely I will in the walls of my RV and in the walls of my mind.

I end this post with the following lyrics of a song that is from the 70s, you know I like my 70s music –

Someone told me long ago

There’s a calm before the storm

I know it’s been comin’ for some time

When it’s over so they say

It’ll rain a sunny day

I know shinin’ down like water

all about me

October of last year, I wrote a post ‘…just listen‘, here are some excerpts –

Just listen to my words, they have purpose, they have a way with them in describing someone, something, an occurrence, an event, a moment, a feeling, an emotion.

I just need to express, I need to let out, I need to put the information out there and get it out of my head.

image1

Image provided by: buluma.me.ke

Let it be express and let the words be read.  This is my mind, my complex thinking of many thoughts and many emotions; and though it may be complicated, sometimes simple, sometimes difficult to understand and to comprehend, to calculate.

In today’s post, I write the following –

I write posts because I have found enjoyment in writing and posting and yes, I admit it, I enjoy the comments.

This blog is a reflection of me, but not the whole me.  There are many posts here with aspects of me, but still not the whole me.

I value your comments, your thoughts, your support and your encouragement.  And over the course of many past months and comments from you; you I consider my friends.

But because the whole me is not written here on this blog; there are feelings and emotions and thoughts that I still keep to myself.

You may remember back in September of last year, I had a hospital stay of almost a week.  At that time, I was undergoing chemotherapy and I had a high fever.  That hospital stay was early in my treatment and I was very tired and short on patience.  Part of my experience during that hospital stay included some not so pleasant conversations with people there to do their job; to take care of me.

image2

Image Provided by: QuoteAddicts.com

A couple of those conversations involved the other person trying to comfort me by providing their personal experience that they thought somehow would make me feel better.

I admit to you and everyone; my cancer, my health issues, my surgery, my aches and pains – they are all about me – nobody else, but me.

I am selfish in that someone else that believes providing their personal experience will somehow make me feel better; well, they are wrong.  I am selfish because my cancer, my health issues, my surgery, my aches and pains – they are all about me.

So, because many parts of me are here in blog posts, but not all of me, I ask for thoughts, support and encouragement, but not personal experiences.

image3

Image Provided by: Spill

Again, as indicated in my post last October –

I just need to express, I need to let out, I need to put the information out there and get it out of my head.  Let it be express and let the words be read.  This is my mind, my complex thinking of many thoughts and many emotions; and though it may be complicated, sometimes simple, sometimes difficult to understand and to comprehend, to calculate.

to whine some today

I honestly try not to publish posts with me whining.

But, that is exactly what this post is about.

I am going to whine; but as I whine, I remind myself there are others who have it much worse than I.

What is ‘it’, you ask?

Anything in life that causes pain, suffering and agony.

image1

Image Provided by: WordPress.com

You may remember in my post ‘a walnut-sized gland‘,  I wrote about experiencing pain starting prior to my cruise in December that progressively became worse.  My Urologist Dr. P. thought it might be a prostate infection and prescribed antibiotics and pain medication.

My pain continues and at times has become worse.  If the prostate is infected, it certainly is taking its time to reduce in size and in turn reduced my pain.  Dr. P. wanted to see how I was managing and so I had a follow-up visit with him last week.  The visit also included Dr. P. removing the urethral stent from my body.  There are two methods to remove the ureteral stent; one involves a surgical method that is scheduled in advanced and the other involves a procedure that I have grown accustomed to but still do not look forward to.

I have lost count now, but there I am last week and once again having a medical instrument inserted into my penis.  If any man ever tells you they enjoy having medical instruments inserted into their penis, they are lying.  Okay, so while Dr. P. is inside of me with his medical instrument that has a camera, he takes the opportunity to look around inside my bladder.  He indicates the opening of the ureter from my kidney looks very good.  You may remember this opening was blocked due to my cancer and resulted in much pain which is the reason for the stent to begin with.

Dr. P. also found a new small tumor in my bladder.  This is not surprising because my bladder cancer has a very high recurrence percentage; this is the reason to remove the bladder.

image2

Image Provided by: NaturPhilosophie

Okay, so the ureteral stent was removed and now the bladder and kidney are causing pain as well as the prostate.  I continue to take antibiotics and pain medication – lots of pain medication.

Here comes the whining – for weeks now I am experiencing severe pain in my whole abnormal area.  I feel discomfort when sitting, standing and laying.  My nights are mostly sleepless and because of the lack of sleep and the pain, my thinking and concentration is affected.  Strong pain medications as well as other prescriptions are helping me get through each day.

I have shed tears these past weeks, not because of just the pain; but more about my quality of life.  I currently have no quality of life, I experience pain and discomfort each day and find no joy in anything.

In less than 2 weeks, this current pain will be gone because I will no longer have a prostate or bladder.  I just needed to whine some today.

twenty-seventeen

image0

Image Provided by: Pinterest

 

Always laugh

when you can.

It’s cheap medicine.

–          Lord Byron

 

A poem I wrote to end this year.

twenty-seventeen –

image1

Image Provided by: Entrepreneur the Arts

It is another New Year’s Eve

It is another end to a year

Tomorrow is twenty-seventeen

And, I will have nothing to fear

 

For, there will be more days to come

And, there will be more days to go

Tomorrow is twenty-seventeen

But, one thing I tell you, I know

 

For the past, has proven me strong

Even when I felt I was weak

Tomorrow is twenty-seventeen

And, I have yet to reach my peak

 

My life is not over just yet

There is more to come, you will see

Tomorrow is twenty-seventeen

And soon, I will have no control of my pee

 

image2

Image Provided by: The Great Doodle Project

 

The What Ifs

image1

Image Provided by: Wonderful Engineering

The tearing of the minds
The tears, the pain, the heartache
The whys, the wanders, the what ifs

Minds are crazy and hateful and fearful and destructive
That one mind so complex yet so simple

The tearing of that mind
The tears, the pain, the heartache
The whys, the wanders, the what ifs

Bring forth the destruction, the death, the final breath
For he who loves but then hates

The tearing of his mind
The tears, the pain, the heartache
The whys, the wanders, the what ifs

The hiding of one is the prison of another
Stop the madness, stop the hurting

The tearing of my mind
The tears, the pain, the heartache of his
The whys, the wanders, the what ifs of both

image2

Image Provided by: paulbarford-heritage-the-ruth.blogspot.com

Only the Lonely

There are 2 songs with the title ‘Only the Lonely’; by Roy Orbison and The Motels, and I do like both songs.

This post is about me wanting to be alone and away from others.  I have always considered myself a loner who prefers the silent life without noise, without light, without people.  Many times, in my life I have wanted to escape to a deserted island away from everyone.  Though I am a little spoiled, I would need my daily creature comforts on my deserted island.  Food and water that is plentiful and easy to find; no fishing or hunting for me – there would be a kitchen on my deserted island where I could prepare my meals.  Okay, back to only the lonely.

I know there are many people who find comfort in being alone; does this make us strange or out of touch?  I don’t think so, for me being along brings comfort and reflection.

During the days after my chemotherapy treatment when I was at my extreme tired states, I would find comfort and reflection being along in the bedroom with the doors close.  My behind closed doors at times was up to 12 hours during which I would sleep some but much of the time I would lay there in the bed and reflect.

My times alone bring me back to me.  I at times become away from the center of me when around others and my mind with all its defects and short comings take over.  I need time by myself to reflect and remember the many things I learned many years ago that brought a once unhappy suicidal person to a person that can be filled with life and happiness.

I need my time alone and I know the deserted island scenario will never come to pass and honestly in my heart and mind, I do need some people around some of the time.  It may be the living as a hermit might be a little extreme for me, but it does have its attraction.

So, these 2 songs I like by Roy Orbison and The Motels, maybe they were written for different reasons then the reasons I have for being alone.  But there appears to be sometime we all need at different times in our lives and that is alone time.  For some, more than others.  And during that alone time, it may be the lyrics from these 2 songs ring true now and again –

From ‘Only the Lonely’ by Roy Orbison –

There goes my baby

There goes my heart

They’re gone forever

So far apart

But only the lonely

Know why

I cry

Only the lonely

From ‘Only the Lonely’ by The Motels –

Only the lonely only the lonely can play

It’s like I told you only the lonely can play

Only the lonely

Only the lonely can play

I conclude with an excerpt from tinybuddha.com article ‘Enjoy Your Alone Time: Be Happy Without Seeking Validation’ –

I have found that the more time I spend alone, the more comfortable I become in my own skin because I can truly get to know myself. This provides me with more patience to accept myself as I am, wherever I am in my journey, on a daily basis.

One more thing?

Why did I start my blog when I did?  I wanted to write down my thoughts and feelings and write a book.  Did I start it when I did because subconsciously I knew my life would be coming to an end soon due to cancer?

Will the cancer I have potentially take my life?  Is the reason I started my blog a year and a half ago; so, my thoughts, my life, my events, my experiences would be in writing?

Do we know subconsciously when we are going to die?

My grandmother was 99 years old and was weak when her sister-in-law decided to come visit.  They had not seen each other for decades, as their ages had prevented them from doing much traveling.  But my grandmother who was weak, waiting until her sister-in-law came to visit; she had one more thing to do.  After the visit she said it was time and she died within a few days.

Gary’s dad waited for the lawyer to come over to the house to sign the updated Will that morning.  Upon the leaving of the lawyer, he died within a few hours later.  It was as if he knew his time had arrived but needed to do one more thing before leaving this world.

Is my one more thing this blog?  It could be, then again, I have no idea what my one more thing is.  Do I feel that I am going to die soon?  Hum, good question; sometimes my answer is yes.

There are many posts here on my blog, including those posts about my suicide attempts in my 20s.  I have written several posts about suicide and death.  And there are posts I have written about dying and leaving something behind.  Are these posts and the posts recounting events of decades ago and the posts about events of current; are they my one more thing?

It was September of last year when it started – the health issue, it was noticed then – the day before my son #3’s wedding.  Before the first diagnosis, I knew it was cancer when others suggested it was not.  I know my body well enough and it was telling me something – I knew what that something was.  Then came the first surgery and a few months later would be the second surgery.  I knew before that second surgery it would not be the last one and it would not be the end – there was more to come – and soon!  I felt it, I knew it, my body was telling me there would be more to come.

The more to come is here and at times I feel it is my last thing: my one more thing.  I remain optimistic and realistic; as I plan to be here for a while longer.  But I feel there is more to come concerning my health, my cancer – and soon.  I feel it, I know it, my body is telling me there is more to come.  Am I pessimistic?  No, I do not think so, because I know my body well enough and it is telling me something.

Is this blog my one more thing?

20160816_184757-2