to expose me – my face

I wrote in my post ‘to expose me‘, the following –

Now over 8 months later I have realized fellow bloggers are supportive of me and have welcomed me with open arms and appreciate my writings.  Because of this I decided to expose myself, my identity, to you my fellow bloggers.  But a course I am not doing it all in one post, I still have 3 months to write a post a day.

So I will write a series of posts to expose me – my identify to you and the blogger world.

In today’s post I write the following –

I understand I can repost an old post, but I am not doing that instead I am copying a post into this one; hopefully WP does not mind that.  The 69th post I wrote for my blog was titled ‘Engraved Lines and Crevices’, and because I had very few followers at that time, it received little exposer.  As part of my ‘to expose me’ series, I wanted to copy that post here –

When I was in my 20’s I never imagined having wrinkles at age 55.  My older siblings do not have the amount of defined wrinkles I have which are most likely due to my years of habits (post: Addictions or Habits or Routines). I have never considered a face lift and never used any types of creams to help relieve the engraved lines and crevices on my face.

My Wrinkles Image2

Image provided by: spearfruit.com

The creams probably would be helpful; my partner uses them and he looks younger than me.  The medicalnewstoday.com website has the following about wrinkles: most commonly appear with age with the facial wrinkles appearing first.  The facial wrinkles tend to occur as a result of facial expressions, sun damage, smoking, among other factors. 

See, I knew it – they are a result of my smoking and sun damage, but facial expressions?  I guess that makes sense especially for me, my facial expressions usually include squinting and frowning.  I squint because I should wear my glasses all the time and I do not; they are for distance, when driving and watching TV.

My Wrinkles Image1

Image provided by: spearfruit.com

Lately I have found I am squinting more while reading smaller print and the difficultly seeing distant objects are not so distant anymore, signaling my eyesight is progressively getting worst.  Ugh, I guess it is time for the eye doctor visit; it has been awhile since the last checkup.  The frowning I blame on years of bad moods and gravity, see my post ‘Smile Workout’.

After additional research I did find on the livingwellmag.com website the following –

Wrinkles are cute on Shar-Pei puppies, but aren’t nearly as attractive on your face. Society has labeled wrinkles as a sign of age, stress, and even as “wisdom”.  Some wrinkles occur from volume loss, sun damage, tobacco use, and others from repetitive movements, like smile lines.  Wrinkles can visually age you or send out misconceptions about your personality before you even speak.

At this point in my life I have no issues with the wrinkles on my face, they display who I am and for me what matters most is in the inside.  And though others may feel my wrinkles may send out misconceptions about me; the inside is more important than what is displayed on the outside of a person.

 

Self-Abuse

I performed self-abuse as a young man many years ago.

My self-abuse would involve a belt and repeated hitting on my body, usually on the back, chest, neck and face.  At the time I felt I needed to punish myself for what I was and what I was not.  The emotional pain I was going through during my major depression era of my life was overwhelming at times.  I hated myself and somehow felt the self-abuse would make me feel better.  It was as if another person inside of me needed to reprimand the damaged person, the person that could not control his behavior, his moods, his thoughts, his feelings and his actions.

When I decided to write this post, I researched on the internet additional information about self-abuse.  Our minds are complexed and there is no ‘one size fits all’ when it comes to diagnosing the reasons for self-abuse.

Currently in my life I do not perform self-abuse do the same degree as I did in my younger years.  I will be honest; I still have issues today and at times lack control of my behavior.  Sometimes when this occurs, I will respond with fisted hands pounding my head and face.  This response is that person inside reprimanding the damage person.

I found the following information on Wikipedia.org:

The most common form of self-harm is skin-cutting but self-harm also covers a wide range of behaviors including, but not limited to, burning, scratching, banging or hitting body parts, interfering with wound healing (dermatillomania), hair-pulling (trichotillomania) and the ingestion of toxic substances or objects. 

Although suicide is not the intention of self-harm, the relationship between self-harm and suicide is complex, as self-harming behaviour may be potentially life-threatening.  There is also an increased risk of suicide in individuals who self-harm to the extent that self-harm is found in 40–60% of suicides.  However, generalising self-harmers to be suicidal is, in the majority of cases, inaccurate.

The desire to self-harm is listed in the DSM-IV-TR as a symptom of borderline personality disorder. However, patients with other diagnoses may also self-harm, including those with depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, eating disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, schizophrenia, and several personality disorders.

The motivations for self-harm vary and it may be used to fulfill a number of different functions.  These functions include self-harm being used as a coping mechanism which provides temporary relief of intense feelings such as anxiety, depression, stress, emotional numbness or a sense of failure or self-loathing and other mental traits including low self-esteem or perfectionism. Self-harm is often associated with a history of trauma and abuse, including emotional and sexual abuse.

For those that have not felt the need to self-abuse, it can be difficult to understand.

For those that have experienced this in the past, you may understand the need.

For those that may be currently experiencing this, there is help and understanding.

55 – still crying

I am a sensitive man, a weak individual, a person with feelings, thoughts, dreams, 55 – still crying.

I cry when I watch a sad movie; I cry when I watch an inspirational movie.

I cry when I watch a news story about someone who unconditionally helps others; I cry when I watch a news story about the killing of innocent people, animals and nature.

I cry at weddings; I cry at funerals.

I cry when my sons do not call; I cry when my sons do call.

I cry when I hurt people; I cry when people hurt me.

I cry when I am a failure; I cry when I am a success.

So why do I cry so much?  I am a man and should not be crying because it is a sign of weakness.

webmd.com has the following –

People with a history of trauma have been found to cry more, Sideroff says. That’s especially true, he says, if they dwell on that past. “If you keep referring back to the past of trauma or emotional pain, it will generate more feelings of hurt.”

Is this why I cry more than others?  I still refer to the emotional pain of years past?  Am I a vulnerable person?

howstuffworks.com has the following information –

Overall, it’s important to remember that crying is a critical part of the human emotional makeup, just as laughing is. While you may not want to cry in front of your boss or an ex-boyfriend who’s with his beautiful new girlfriend, it is largely believed to be better both emotionally and physically to “let it out” rather than keeping it all inside.

My crying comes from my emotional makeup, that part of me; that individual me, that special me that makes me different from everyone else in the world.  It may be my emotional makeup was to a certain degree learned at a young age when I decided I was ‘stupid’, ‘worthless’, ‘different’ and these thoughts created a negative attitude toward myself, others and life.  Is this true?

I am over my self-defeating labeling, but I still cry.

Masks

images2Masks – they are not just for Halloween anymore – I see people wearing them every day – or I use to – until I stopped paying attention to them.

Masks – they allow people to be someone else – or it may be their actual face is the real mask.

anymask.com –
A form of disguise. It is an object that is frequently worn over or in front of the face to hide the identity of a person and by its own features to establish another being. This essential characteristic of hiding and revealing personalities or moods is common to all masks. As cultural objects they have been used throughout the world in all periods since the Stone Age and have been as varied in appearance as in their use and symbolism.

Today the most common mask is Facebook – yep – I said it – a new symbolism for the mask.

Facebook allows people to sit behind a computer – protected from others – allowing people to be something they are not – allowing people to be their true self.

Recent social changes in the United States – imagesthe revealing personalities behind the Facebook mask are now showing their true identity – some of the cultural objects.

Anger, Hatred, Belittling – it is easy to do when using the Facebook mask – easy to do because one is sitting behind a computer.

anymask.com –
Some masks, however, do represent malignant, evil, or potentially harmful spirits. These are often used to keep a required balance of power or a traditional social and political relationship of inherited positions within a culture. The characters depicted are also prescribed by tradition and enact roles to achieve the desired ends.

images1The Facebook mask achieved its goal – I still have an account – I rarely log in – I am honest, sincere, respecting of others – I do not need a mask – I do not need to be cruel to others.

The Facebook mask achieved its goal – I still have an account – I rarely log in – I stopped paying attention to those wearing the masks – I deserve better – this is my desired end.

Smiling Faces Sometimes

Smiling Faces Sometimes – they don’t tell the truth!

Oh how I know this is true.  I know I am not the only one who has been lied to, cheated on, stabbed in the back, taken for granted and used.

From inc.com; ‘5 Ways to Recover From Being Cheated, Lied To, or Manipulated’ –

Been Taken Advantage of? It Just Means You’re Honest

It’s happened to us all, one time or another. We’ve put our trust in someone who didn’t deserve it, and found out later we were being deceived. Whether the deceiver was a spouse, partner, family member, business partner, or employee, we feel betrayed and hurt. But even worse, we feel responsible. “What’s wrong with me that I allowed this to happen?” we wonder.

Nothing, it turns out. If you’ve been taken for a ride by a talented liar or master manipulator, all it means is that you’re an honest person.

The article continues with some important information about how to deal with you/me being taken advantage of and concludes with the following –

If having been deceived keeps you distant from other people, then you’ve let the liar change who you are and how you live in the world. You’ll have let them steal what should matter to you the most. And you’ll have given those lies more power than they deserve.

My life has included people lying to me, cheating on me, taking me for granted and using me.  I am a decent person; honest, hardworking, trusting, respecting, and most importantly forgiving.  The forgiving may take some time because wounds take time to heal.  In my years I have experienced friends stabbing in my back, lovers taking me for granted and cheating on me and other’s using me.  I do not like to experience these feelings as it always results in me losing trust in others.  It also results in me pulling back and not offering me; my honesty and my respect for others.  I do not like to pull back from others, but I also do not like to be used, taken advantage of, lied to and hurt.

There was an event where words were spoken in response to a situation.  A friendship was broken and words are no longer spoken between us.  Forgiveness on my part will take some time and the deceit has caused me to become withdrawn and distant from others.  I allowed this liar to change who I am and how I live in this world.  I allowed this liar to steal what matters to me and I have given the lies more power than they deserve.  I have become unsociable, isolated and not willing to help others as I once did.

I WILL overcome these feelings of hurt and deceit and be cautious and remind myself smiling faces sometimes, they don’t tell the truth.

Delayed Contact

One’s dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked…

You may be aware of these famous people who were diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease – boxer Muhammad Ali, actor Michael J. Fox and comedian Robin Williams.

untitled1      Images3      untitled

My dad has Parkinson’s disease.

mayoclinic.org has this definition –

Parkinson’s disease is a progressive disorder of the nervous system that affects movement. It develops gradually, sometimes starting with a barely noticeable tremor in just one hand. But while a tremor may be the most well-known sign of Parkinson’s disease, the disorder also commonly causes stiffness or slowing of movement.

webmd.com lists these common symptoms –

Stiff muscles (rigidity) and aching muscles. One of the most common early signs of Parkinson’s is a reduced arm swing on one side when you walk. This is caused by rigid muscles. Rigidity can also affect the muscles of the legs, face, neck, or other parts of the body. It may cause muscles to feel tired and achy.

Slow, limited movement, especially when you try to move from a resting position. For instance, it may be hard to get out of a chair or turn over in bed.

Weakness of face and throat muscles. It may get harder to talk and swallow. You may choke, cough, or drool. Speech becomes softer and monotonous. Loss of movement in the muscles in the face can cause a fixed, vacant facial expression, often called the “Parkinson’s mask.”

Difficulty with walking and balance. A person with this disease is likely to take small steps and shuffle with his or her feet close together, bend forward slightly at the waist, and have trouble turning around. Balance and posture problems may cause frequent falls. But these problems usually don’t happen until later on.

Freezing, a sudden, brief inability to move. It most often affects walking.

My dad has Parkinson’s disease – it  has progressed fairly quickly in the last couple of years and he has slowed down quite a bit; he takes small steps and shuffles with his feet together and sometimes walks with a cane.  The most noticeable symptom is the ‘Parkinson’s Mask’; the weakness of face and throat muscles.  My dad’s speech is very soft and monotone and he at times has a fixed vacant expression.  At times it is extremely difficult to understand my dad on the phone.  My siblings and I have discussed this; when on the phone with him we sometimes do not know how to respond.  At times we have no idea as to what our dad is saying; is he asking a question and we need to answer?  How do we answer when we do not know the question?  How do we respond to our dad when we do not understand him?

I am sad – seeing my dad go through this and knowing it will only become worse.  I am glad – my dad’s wife, my stepmother is there for him; to help him, take care of him and to love him.

In the past my dad was vibrant, hardworking and had much going for him.  And though HE may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, HE can never be taken away unless HE surrenders.  My dad still has his dignity and therefore surrender is not an option.

Today I see a man who is slowing in movement with muscles becoming rigid and stiff and a body that is weary; but his dignity will carry him through.

images2I see possibilities in everything. For everything that’s taken away, something of greater value has been given. – Michael J. Fox

Engraved Lines and Crevices

When I was in my 20’s I never imagined having wrinkles at age 55. My older siblings do not have the amount of defined wrinkles I have which are most likely due to my years of habits (post: Addictions or Habits or Routines). I have never considered a face lift and never used any types of creams to help relieve the engraved lines and crevices on my face. The creams probably would be helpful; my partner uses them and he looks younger than me. The medicalnewstoday.com website has the following about wrinkles: most commonly appear with age with the facial wrinkles appearing first. The facial wrinkles tend to occur as a result of facial expressions, sun damage, smoking, among other factors.

See, I knew it – they are a result of my smoking and sun damage, but facial expressions? I guess that makes sense especially for me, my facial expressions usually include squinting and frowning. I squint because I should wear my glasses all the time and I do not; they are for distance, when driving and watching TV. Lately I have found I am squinting more while reading smaller print and the difficultly seeing distant objects are not so distant anymore, signaling my eyesight is progressively getting worst. Ugh, I guess it is time for the eye doctor visit; it has been awhile since the last checkup. The frowning I blame on years of bad moods and gravity, see my post ‘Smile Workout’.

After additional research I did find on the livingwellmag.com website the following –

Wrinkles are cute on Shar-Pei puppies, but aren’t nearly as attractive on your face. Society has labeled wrinkles as a sign of age, stress, and even as “wisdom.” Some wrinkles occur from volume loss, sun damage, tobacco use, and others from repetitive movements, like smile lines. Wrinkles can visually age you or send out misconceptions about your personality before you even speak.

At this point in my life I have no issues with the wrinkles on my face, they display who I am and for me what matters most is in the inside. And though others may feel my wrinkles may send out misconceptions about me; the inside is more important than what is displayed on the outside of a person.

images1imagesFY1KWMM4 untitled

Check out these pictures, do you see the wrinkles or the inside of the person?