‘Faith’

George, you bring tears to my eyes.

George Michael died several days ago, and my tears continue to flow.

Back in January of this year I wrote a post ‘we do know them, and we grieve‘; it concluded with the following –

laurajack.com has an article titled ‘Why do we cry when famous people die?‘ and includes the following –

This begs the question, why do we cry when famous people die?

As they say at the Grief Recovery Institute, we do know them, we just haven’t met them in person.  We all have an emotional relationship with people who we admire, and perhaps even hope to meet them one day.  Therefore, when they die, we grieve because we have a emotional relationship with them that feels incomplete.

Grief is part of our evolution as humans.  Without loss and grief, we don’t grow.  Experiencing sadness, heart-ache, fear or any other emotion, is part of life, as hard as it may be sometimes.  It is what allows us to continue to transform.

So, whether we lose a family member or a person we admired, grief is normal.  Allow yourself and others to feel and be compassionate and loving because that is what we need to heal.

In today’s post, I needed to write the following –

George, you bring tears to my eyes.

George Michael died several days ago, and my tears continue to flow.

As indicated in the above article, I have an emotional relationship with George Michael and I am grieving because he is gone.  But he was just a singer and artist; a person with great talent – there are many others that fit this same description.

I published a post November 2015 titled ‘My Time in a Psychiatric Hospital‘, in which I wrote about my experience in a psychiatric hospital and my feelings and views about this time in my life.  This event in my life occurred in the late 1980s and was one of many turning points in my life that led me here today.  With much time on my hands while in the psychiatric hospital, I listened to music.

I have memories today of that time in my life and the music I listened to was significant to me as I felt at times it was created just for me at that time in my life.  There was a singer and artist of that time who had a very successful selling album titled ‘Faith’.

Depression years led me to attempt suicide that led me to a psychiatric hospital; that ultimately led me here today.

I needed ‘Faith’ back then, those many years ago, and I still do today.

George, you brought tears to my eyes back many years ago.

George, you bring tears to my eyes still today.

George Michael died several days ago, and my tears continue to flow.

Thoughts, Feelings; moving forward

In my post ‘The number 12‘, I concluded with the following –

Chemotherapy will begin this Thursday and continue for the next 12 weeks. . . I will keep positive thoughts and faith to create a positive outcome.

In today’s post, I conclude with the following –

Yesterday was the first day of my chemotherapy treatment.  Thoughts, Feelings; moving forward –

The number 12

From Angel Therapy website article What is the meaning of Number 12?

Each number has a meaning, especially when you see the number repetitively. The number 12 is a combination of the numbers 1, which means, “Stay positive,” and 2, which means, “Keep the faith.” Together, 12 is a strong message to stay positive, optimistic, and filled with faith . . . because your positive thoughts and faith will create a positive outcome.

In my post ‘Stage 4’, I wrote the following –

The next 12 weeks will involve some powerful drugs being injected into my body to fight cancer.

I will have tough days ahead of me.

I will have days I will be very tired.

And I will have days I will be very inspired.

In today’s post, I write the following –

Chemotherapy will begin this Thursday and continue for the next 12 weeks.  Today, I am having a ‘port’ inserted into my body.

Google Definition –

A port is a small disc made of plastic or metal about the size of a quarter that sits just under the skin. A soft thin tube called a catheter connects the port to a large vein. Your chemotherapy medicines are given through a special needle that fits right into the port. You also can have blood drawn through the port.

I will have 4 cycles of chemotherapy; meaning each Thursday for 2 weeks I will receive the chemotherapy and then have 1 week off – 4 cycles equal 12 weeks.

Upon the completion of chemotherapy, it will be determined what will take place next.  The surgery to remove my bladder may still take place, then again it may not.

Here is the truth about my current situation –

The nodules on my lungs have yet to be identified to be cancer, this has not been determined.  Once the chemotherapy is completed, if these nodules continue to be present, that indicates they are not cancer.  What does this mean in regards to my future treatment?  I would have the surgery to remove my bladder.  Because the cancer has not spread beyond my bladder and nearby nymph nodes, the surgery will take place to remove the origin of the cancer.  Remember this surgery will involve removing my bladder, prostate, nearby nymph nodes and seminal vesicles.  This will be major surgery that will take place approximately 6 weeks after my chemotherapy is completed.

The nodules on my lungs have yet to be identified to be cancer, this has not been determined.  Once the chemotherapy is completed, if these nodules are no longer present, this indicates they were cancer.  What does this mean in regards to my future treatment?  I would not have the surgery to remove my bladder, why do you ask?  Because the cancer has spread from the origin; my bladder and therefore removing it would serve no positive purpose.  The future treatment would be to monitor me for future cancer.

Chemotherapy will begin this Thursday and continue for the next 12 weeks. . . I will keep positive thoughts and faith to create a positive outcome.

Me (2)

creating questions

Sunday, my fellow blogger and friend Blue Sky published a post titled Does God Ever Give Up On Us?

I read her post and I responded with the following comment –

A beautiful post dear, one in which every word had my attention. I appreciate you sharing this today, as the struggles in my life today are creating questions in my mind about faith, god and all that is related. I appreciate you and your friendship and your honesty. Thank you again for sharing this today.

With Blue Sky’s words on my mind, I took a walk alone to reflect on my current life and my current struggle.

As a result, this video was created.

Please take time to read the post Does God Ever Give Up On Us? created and published by Blue Sky, I hope it touches you as it did me.

Small Fear of Water

I remember an event when I was a very young child –

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Image Provided By beatyourfears.com

My family was visiting my great grandmother who lived in a state of the US that was densely forested land.  We were visiting a lake and playing in the water and I remember not once but twice walking away from the shore and then no longer feeling the bottom of the lake.  I was very young, could not swim and started struggling and gasping.  I started to fight the water to no avail; I remember out of nowhere my oldest brother was there and grabbed me, took me and saved me.

I have never had a conversation with my oldest brother about this, but still to this day – I have some fear of the water.

For many years as a young child going on trips and when we would drive across a bridge over water, I would always fear the car would drive off and with no way out I would drown in the car.

I still today have some fear of the water.  I have a swimming pool with the deepest part 5 ½ feet, but I do not like to swim under the water and certainly will not open my eyes under water.  If I am in a pool that has a deep end, I will not go there; I must feel the bottom of the pool.  I have in my younger days; gone water skiing, but do not like not being able to see in the water.  I like the ocean, but never swim in the ocean, I rarely ride on boats and still today, when crossing a bridge over water – I have some fear the car will drive off and with no way out I will drown in the car.

I guess I have a mild case of Aquaphobia – the fear of water.   In the article ‘Fear of Water Phobia’ on the fearof.net website it describes one cause of Aquaphobia –

The roots of this phobia can be traced to prior traumatic incidents with water, where one might have almost drowned, or was pushed into a water body as a prank, or fallen off a boat or deck. One might even have witnessed a traumatic event such as the drowning or death of a loved one in water.

Many years ago I went on a cruise and it took all my strength to go snorkeling – and this was in shallow water.  There is no way I could scuba dive, the thought of breathing in a mask and being enclosed by water scares the heck out of me.

My worst fear of dying is it will occur by drowning, so to a certain extent I avoid certain situations with water.

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I drink lots of water, I shower in water, I water my plants, I like rain, I like the sounds of water fountains and water falls – but I have a small fear of water.

‘Amazing Grace’ to my sons

I remember when my sons were very young I would rock them to sleep.  If you started following my blog recently, you may have missed my post ‘Rocking’ which I write about my compulsion of rocking.  This is a good activity to partake in when you have babies and young kids.

While rocking my sons I would always hum Amazing Grace.  I love the melody of this Christian hymn and honestly do not know all the words; this is the reason for humming it instead.  What made me pick this tune to hum to my sons?  I may have remembered it as a young child during my brief years of church going; I am not sure the real reason for humming this tune.

Wikipedia.org has the following information about the song ‘Amazing Grace’ –

“Amazing Grace” is a Christian hymn published in 1779, with words written by the English poet and clergyman John Newton (1725–1807).

Newton wrote the words from personal experience. He grew up without any particular religious conviction, but his life’s path was formed by a variety of twists and coincidences that were often put into motion by his recalcitrant insubordination. He was pressed (forced) into service in the Royal Navy, and after leaving the service, he became involved in the Atlantic slave trade. In 1748, a violent storm battered his vessel off the coast of County Donegal, Ireland, so severely that he called out to God for mercy, a moment that marked his spiritual conversion.

I have yet to have a spiritual conversion and my spiritual believes may not abide by organized religion, but I still love the melody.  Maybe in my sub-conscience the words to this hymn were there and I was passing through my humming the meaning of those words to my sons.

One of the verses –

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,

And mortal life shall cease

I shall possess within the veil,

A life of joy and peace.

My hope is when my sons grow older and I am gone; they never forget I hummed this song to them, for them, to comfort them, while rocking them to sleep.

My hope is when my sons grow older and I am gone; they never forget I hummed this song to them, for them, to comfort them, for a life of joy and peace.

Hallelujah

Hallelujah – one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard.  I did some research and there appears to be 60 versions of this song.  If you have not heard it, please watch the YouTube video and listen; you will be touched.

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A memory from my many years of depression and one very low point of many –

The apartment is sparse, my kids are gone fulltime from my life, I am struggling financially and my mind, my thinking and actions seem to ruin everything and everyone, including myself.

The room is dark, I sit in a corner, crouched, lonely and crying profusely and asking God –

“Why?”

“Why are you putting me through this?  What did I do, that you want to punish me?”

“I can’t do this, I do not have the strength; I have lost everything and everyone that means so much to me.”

“Why, God?”

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I grew up as Baptist and my grandmother was a very religious woman and lived her life as we all should.  I remember going to church with her when I was very young – but stopped attending when I became older.  Prior to my ‘depression’ years I did not have a relationship with God and today the relationship is different.

“How could you put me through this?”

“You are not a fair God?”

“They say you are a good God; but you cannot be, I don’t understand, I hate you!”

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I made it through my ‘depression’ years and one day at my job I was discussing my ‘depression’ years with a fellow employee.  I remember telling her “I don’t know how I found the strength to get through all those years of despair, depression, divorce, the loss of my kids, the many nights of crying, the getting up every morning to live another day”  I then experienced a feeling; an epiphany of sorts.   It then came to my mind ‘It was God!’

God was always there, even when I hated him.  I was expecting God to do something – and he did.  Many years later I realized God gave me strength and endurance to keep moving forward: keep fighting the battle.  Today my relationship with God is different and I will expand on that in another post.

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Hallelujah – one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard.

One of the verse lyrics –

I did my best, it wasn’t much

I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch

I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you

And even though it all went wrong

I’ll stand before the Lord of Song

With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Failed to be the father I wanted to be

image1I failed as a father, or did I fail to be the father I wanted to be?

I mentioned in several of my posts I feel I failed as a father.  In previous posts I write about the ‘mistakes’ I have made throughout my life, the struggle in my marriage, my major depression and my absence in my 3 sons lives.  The struggles I have with myself and my mind created a failed marriage when my sons were very young.  Therefore I was not there for them during the important years of growth, learning, understanding and father relations.  I missed many soccer games, school events, protecting them, teaching them; I should have been there but I was absent.  And though the presence in their lives was limited, the relationship with my 3 sons is good, but not what I envisioned when I was younger when I became married and became a parent.

What do I base my failure on?  What father did I want to be?  My idea of me as a father was not being the father my father was to me.  In my post ‘My Dad Taught Me Plenty’, I explain those things I did not want to be when I was a father because my father failed in these areas.  My father did not tell me ‘I Love You’ until well late into life, within the past 10 years.  From a young age, I told my boys ‘I Love You’ and still do today and easily give them a hug and a kiss on the cheek.  This is not a failure, so what is?

It is my belief; the failure is the circumstances and situations that prevented me from being there for them, my 3 sons.  The circumstances of my learning disorders, my OCD, my ADD, my divorce, my mental illness, my depression, my attempted suicides and my separated living location all created a situation where the envisioned father I wanted to be was a failure.

How do I know it was a failure and I am a failure as a father?  My sons do not seem to be interested in me or my life.  My sons rarely call me, even on my birthday and father’s day.

So it may be that I did not fail as a father to them, but I failed to be the father to me.  I had no book to read about being a good father; I tried to be a good father, but I was busy with the troubles of my mind and this took time away from what is important to me – my 3 sons.

Whether I failed as a father to them or failed to be the father I wanted to be – the simple truth is that I had and still have good intentions and love and I aspire to be the best possible father to my 3 sons.

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(This is the first of additional pictures to appear of me – a hand of me, a hand of my son #1 and a hand of my grandson #1)

..and I trust him.

I have trust issues!  I wrote in my post ‘Smiling Faces Sometimes’ about being lied to, cheated on, stabbed in the back, taken for granted and used.

This is why I have trust issues!  How can I trust others when I am the one being hurt by others?

I know there are people out there in this world that I can trust; my partner is one of them. I am one of the most trusting people you will ever meet, I am honest (sometimes not a good trait to have), I am willing to lend a helping hand (not so much so now due to certain current situation – this will change) and reliable (even when I do not want to be).  I believe my trust issues came about due to me expecting others to be as trusting as me.  These others were mostly my ex’s – wife and partners of the past.  I in no way am here to bash them or write bad things about them – that is not the purpose of this post – and they are in the past and have been forgiven by me – let’s move on.

The website www.elitedaily.com has an article titled ‘5 Signs You Have Trust Issues That Will Ruin Your Healthy Relationship

You can read the full article by clicking the above article title link; to highlight here are the 5 Signs –

You check his/her phone

You think of worst-case scenarios

Your lease is tight

You cheat

You test your love

I have done all on this list in the past with past relationships and it was difficult to let go of these when I entered my current relationship over 12 years ago.  I struggled with trusting my current partner due to the history of my past relationships.  But I realized early in the relationship he is a person to be trusted, and I trust him with my life.  I am fortunate to have someone in my life I can truly trust when I still have trust issues with others.  There are still those people out there who lie to me, stab me in the back, take me for granted and use me.  But not my partner; and he is the most important person in my life…and I trust him.

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 (Image courtesy of wiseofferings.wordpress.com)