figures in the distance

Fears and Fogs & Alone Suffocating, grasping and seeing figures in the distance.

Then there is the choking waking me in the middle of the night to remind me it is time.

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These are ramblings of a dying man, a man whose body and brain are tired.

And what about the vision, another sign?

A sign for what?

To remind me it is time?

There is that apple sauce going nowhere really no longer to serve a purpose.  Well the purpose has changed some and reminds me of the signs.

Remind me not to eat too many ice chips or drink too much water, because of time could come later.

To remind me it is time?

Fears and Fogs & Alone Suffocating, clasping and seeing figures in the distance.

Death

beauty of each moment

With family members here visiting this past weekend, I have fallen behind.  With my current health, my body fatigues easily and I need more rest.

More rest means I am spending less time doing other things – such as WP related activities.

I have fallen behind.  So, a short post for today.

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That Decision

In my post ‘Months not Years‘, I wrote the following –

Following my hospital stay, I had a visit with my Oncologist Dr. L. to discuss my options.  One option was to do nothing and the other option was immunotherapy.

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Concerning immunotherapy; any type of positive results is only about 15% – meaning 15% of participants will receive some type of response.  The response would be the slowing down of the progression of cancer to other parts of the body and/or stopping or slowing down the growth of the cancer cells.

So, I asked Dr. L. the question; how many years would my life be extended, if there were a positive result?  His response was that we are talking about months, not years.

In today’s post, I write the following –

Tecentriq is the immunotherapy drug that I am receiving.  In 2 days, I will receive my 2nd immunotherapy treatment.  The current treatment plan involves me receiving immunotherapy through IV every 3 weeks.  Upon the completion of my 3rd treatment, a scan will be performed to help determine the effectiveness on my treatment.

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The results of that scan may not provide enough information to determine if the treatment is working or not.  Another treatment round may be needed to determine the effectiveness – meaning 4 additional treatments then another round of scans.  If no determination is made in late August, then October will be the next time to make a possible decision.

What am I referring to when I write decision?

Since my first clue there was something wrong with me back on September 4, 2015; much has taken place.  This journey started with a discoloration in my urine.  Friends who have followed me for a while, know what has taken place since then.  Through all the tests, procedures, surgeries, treatments and appointments, one thing has stayed consistent.

The one thing that has stayed consistent, will play a major role in that decision.

That one thing that stayed consistent is my cancer has been aggressive in spreading.  That decision will be whether to proceed with treatments or let the cancer take its course.

I will be honest; I have always been honest here on my blog and at times blunt and direct.  In a couple of months, 20170416_194313 (2)I will be making that decision. Currently my days are filled with pain, and little activity due to my health issues limiting many things I can do.  Many days I remain positive and hold on to a glimmer of hope this immunotherapy treatment will respond with positive results.   Then there are a few days; I am ready to stop everything and let the cancer take over and seal my fate.

Currently the positive days outnumber the negative days.  As the days come and go, the date for that decision nears.

‘Faith’

George, you bring tears to my eyes.

George Michael died several days ago, and my tears continue to flow.

Back in January of this year I wrote a post ‘we do know them, and we grieve‘; it concluded with the following –

laurajack.com has an article titled ‘Why do we cry when famous people die?‘ and includes the following –

This begs the question, why do we cry when famous people die?

As they say at the Grief Recovery Institute, we do know them, we just haven’t met them in person.  We all have an emotional relationship with people who we admire, and perhaps even hope to meet them one day.  Therefore, when they die, we grieve because we have a emotional relationship with them that feels incomplete.

Grief is part of our evolution as humans.  Without loss and grief, we don’t grow.  Experiencing sadness, heart-ache, fear or any other emotion, is part of life, as hard as it may be sometimes.  It is what allows us to continue to transform.

So, whether we lose a family member or a person we admired, grief is normal.  Allow yourself and others to feel and be compassionate and loving because that is what we need to heal.

In today’s post, I needed to write the following –

George, you bring tears to my eyes.

George Michael died several days ago, and my tears continue to flow.

As indicated in the above article, I have an emotional relationship with George Michael and I am grieving because he is gone.  But he was just a singer and artist; a person with great talent – there are many others that fit this same description.

I published a post November 2015 titled ‘My Time in a Psychiatric Hospital‘, in which I wrote about my experience in a psychiatric hospital and my feelings and views about this time in my life.  This event in my life occurred in the late 1980s and was one of many turning points in my life that led me here today.  With much time on my hands while in the psychiatric hospital, I listened to music.

I have memories today of that time in my life and the music I listened to was significant to me as I felt at times it was created just for me at that time in my life.  There was a singer and artist of that time who had a very successful selling album titled ‘Faith’.

Depression years led me to attempt suicide that led me to a psychiatric hospital; that ultimately led me here today.

I needed ‘Faith’ back then, those many years ago, and I still do today.

George, you brought tears to my eyes back many years ago.

George, you bring tears to my eyes still today.

George Michael died several days ago, and my tears continue to flow.

Thoughts, Feelings; moving forward

In my post ‘The number 12‘, I concluded with the following –

Chemotherapy will begin this Thursday and continue for the next 12 weeks. . . I will keep positive thoughts and faith to create a positive outcome.

In today’s post, I conclude with the following –

Yesterday was the first day of my chemotherapy treatment.  Thoughts, Feelings; moving forward –

The number 12

From Angel Therapy website article What is the meaning of Number 12?

Each number has a meaning, especially when you see the number repetitively. The number 12 is a combination of the numbers 1, which means, “Stay positive,” and 2, which means, “Keep the faith.” Together, 12 is a strong message to stay positive, optimistic, and filled with faith . . . because your positive thoughts and faith will create a positive outcome.

In my post ‘Stage 4’, I wrote the following –

The next 12 weeks will involve some powerful drugs being injected into my body to fight cancer.

I will have tough days ahead of me.

I will have days I will be very tired.

And I will have days I will be very inspired.

In today’s post, I write the following –

Chemotherapy will begin this Thursday and continue for the next 12 weeks.  Today, I am having a ‘port’ inserted into my body.

Google Definition –

A port is a small disc made of plastic or metal about the size of a quarter that sits just under the skin. A soft thin tube called a catheter connects the port to a large vein. Your chemotherapy medicines are given through a special needle that fits right into the port. You also can have blood drawn through the port.

I will have 4 cycles of chemotherapy; meaning each Thursday for 2 weeks I will receive the chemotherapy and then have 1 week off – 4 cycles equal 12 weeks.

Upon the completion of chemotherapy, it will be determined what will take place next.  The surgery to remove my bladder may still take place, then again it may not.

Here is the truth about my current situation –

The nodules on my lungs have yet to be identified to be cancer, this has not been determined.  Once the chemotherapy is completed, if these nodules continue to be present, that indicates they are not cancer.  What does this mean in regards to my future treatment?  I would have the surgery to remove my bladder.  Because the cancer has not spread beyond my bladder and nearby nymph nodes, the surgery will take place to remove the origin of the cancer.  Remember this surgery will involve removing my bladder, prostate, nearby nymph nodes and seminal vesicles.  This will be major surgery that will take place approximately 6 weeks after my chemotherapy is completed.

The nodules on my lungs have yet to be identified to be cancer, this has not been determined.  Once the chemotherapy is completed, if these nodules are no longer present, this indicates they were cancer.  What does this mean in regards to my future treatment?  I would not have the surgery to remove my bladder, why do you ask?  Because the cancer has spread from the origin; my bladder and therefore removing it would serve no positive purpose.  The future treatment would be to monitor me for future cancer.

Chemotherapy will begin this Thursday and continue for the next 12 weeks. . . I will keep positive thoughts and faith to create a positive outcome.

Me (2)

creating questions

Sunday, my fellow blogger and friend Blue Sky published a post titled Does God Ever Give Up On Us?

I read her post and I responded with the following comment –

A beautiful post dear, one in which every word had my attention. I appreciate you sharing this today, as the struggles in my life today are creating questions in my mind about faith, god and all that is related. I appreciate you and your friendship and your honesty. Thank you again for sharing this today.

With Blue Sky’s words on my mind, I took a walk alone to reflect on my current life and my current struggle.

As a result, this video was created.

Please take time to read the post Does God Ever Give Up On Us? created and published by Blue Sky, I hope it touches you as it did me.

Small Fear of Water

I remember an event when I was a very young child –

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My family was visiting my great grandmother who lived in a state of the US that was densely forested land.  We were visiting a lake and playing in the water and I remember not once but twice walking away from the shore and then no longer feeling the bottom of the lake.  I was very young, could not swim and started struggling and gasping.  I started to fight the water to no avail; I remember out of nowhere my oldest brother was there and grabbed me, took me and saved me.

I have never had a conversation with my oldest brother about this, but still to this day – I have some fear of the water.

For many years as a young child going on trips and when we would drive across a bridge over water, I would always fear the car would drive off and with no way out I would drown in the car.

I still today have some fear of the water.  I have a swimming pool with the deepest part 5 ½ feet, but I do not like to swim under the water and certainly will not open my eyes under water.  If I am in a pool that has a deep end, I will not go there; I must feel the bottom of the pool.  I have in my younger days; gone water skiing, but do not like not being able to see in the water.  I like the ocean, but never swim in the ocean, I rarely ride on boats and still today, when crossing a bridge over water – I have some fear the car will drive off and with no way out I will drown in the car.

I guess I have a mild case of Aquaphobia – the fear of water.   In the article ‘Fear of Water Phobia’ on the fearof.net website it describes one cause of Aquaphobia –

The roots of this phobia can be traced to prior traumatic incidents with water, where one might have almost drowned, or was pushed into a water body as a prank, or fallen off a boat or deck. One might even have witnessed a traumatic event such as the drowning or death of a loved one in water.

Many years ago I went on a cruise and it took all my strength to go snorkeling – and this was in shallow water.  There is no way I could scuba dive, the thought of breathing in a mask and being enclosed by water scares the heck out of me.

My worst fear of dying is it will occur by drowning, so to a certain extent I avoid certain situations with water.

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I drink lots of water, I shower in water, I water my plants, I like rain, I like the sounds of water fountains and water falls – but I have a small fear of water.