so Late so Soon?

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The last several days have proven to be time consuming for me.

I published a post yesterday and yesterday did not respond to comments.

How did it get so late so soon?

The last several days many activities have taken place.

I promise to about in future posts.

Be patient with me as I slowly catch-up on comments.

Be patient with me as I slowly catch-up on reading your posts.

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My Day

OMG!

What a wonderful day!

I write posts in advance, and this was not my original post.  Instead at the last minute, I had to come up with a new post.

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It is Father’s Day.

You just made My Day!

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To be continued………

I disabled comments again today for specific reasons I will explain later.  Expect a post in a few days that will be a continuation from this one.

Thank you everyone – and Happy Father’s Day!

unexpectedly

Yesterday afternoon, I was alone resting.

Suddenly the door opens and there was an unexpected surprise.

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I am disabling comments my friends, because I need time away from WP today.

You know my appreciation for you all is great and never ending.

Thank you my friends for allowing me to take a day off.

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Phone Calls

A few weeks ago in my post ‘Larger Lymph Nodes‘, I wrote about having a scan and the results indicating the chemotherapy was not working.  The results also indicated the cancer in some Lymph Nodes had grown and previous Lymph Nodes that were cancer free now have cancer.

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Prior to receiving these results, Gary and I had a discussion.  He said to me that based on my pain situation and the results of the recent scan both indicate bad news; he wanted to make some phone calls to my family.  I have no issues with this because Gary has always had some form of contact with my family since my health situation started.  My family certainly considers Gary as part of my family and truly respect and appreciate the role he is playing as a caretaker to me.

(note: since the very beginning of my journey with my cancer, all procedures and tests and treatments; all resulted in bad news.  I have not once received good news in the past 1 ½ years.  NOT ONCE)

So, the news of my cancer spreading and growing was received on a Friday; and Saturday Gary made a couple of calls.

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He called my twin sister and he called my stepmom.  Why call these two family members?

My stepmom is the caretaker of my dad who has Parkinson’s Disease.  My dad’s health has deteriorated a great deal in the past couple of years.  At times, it is very difficult to understand his speech and because of the medications he is on; he sleeps a lot.  My stepmom has been a part of the family for over 30 years and is in contact with my siblings.  Gary knew in talking with her, she in turn would talk with my siblings.

My twin sister, being the only female sibling, has a close relationship with my mom – they live in the same city.  Gary did not want to call my mom directly as he was concerned about upsetting her, plus a sensitive matter was to be discussed and Gary felt it coming from her daughter, my twin sister would be better received from mom.

What was discussed in these phone calls?

Gary was honest and sincere and direct.  He was caring and sensitive and calm.

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He called these 2 people to let them know the truth concerning my current health situation.  He told them I am in a great deal of pain to the point I am using a cane to help me walk.  He told them I have lost almost 40 lbs. and my appetite is not always the best.  He told them the results of the latest scan.  He told them what is to come with regards to my future treatment and the slim possibility of positive results.  He told them more than likely we would not make it to Texas for Thanksgiving.  He told them he felt it important that they (my family) consider making plans to visit me here in Florida.

My future health situation is unknown and honestly I have nothing positive to look forward to with regards to future treatments – there are no guarantees.

her words, her love

2015, I started my blog on the 13th, so I missed Mother’s Day because it was on the 10th of that year.

2016, my post ‘about you, moms!‘, was dedicated to you the moms who follow my blog.

2017, I dedicate this special day to my mom.  I have written many posts about her and the importance of her is my life.  To recognize her for just one day is not enough.

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I wrote in last year’s Mother’s Day post –

I have written several posts about my mom and her importance in my life.  You can read more about her in these posts ‘Thanks Mom!‘, ‘Magnificent‘ and ‘Happy Birthday Mom‘.  She also has been mentioned in other posts as she was my main support during my years of major depression.  She is important to me and I truly think she is the best mom in the world! 

Since last year’s Mother’s Day post, I have also wrote this post about my mom ‘My mom, she worries‘.

My mom does worry as I think most moms do about their children.  She knows I am sick with a disease that is significant.  And at times on our phone conversations she will cry, I do not want her to, but she does.  I know I am important to her just as much as she is important to me.

But, 2 days ago, this past Friday, it was my turn to cry.  I called my mom because I needed her.  The pain level was high that day and I was having difficulty dealing with it and being optimistic about the future.  I cried on the phone to my mom and told her I was feeling tired and weak and worn down.  I don’t know how I was going to continue on.  I was showing my weakness to my mom and I told her I always want to show strength in dealing with my cancer and the affects it is having on my body.

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She told me no one can bear this much weight without showing some weakness every once in a while.  She said to let it out, let go of the frustrations and worries.  As I cried, I felt comfort in her words, my mom’s words have helped me many times in my life, her words, her love; they provide me something that no one else can give me.  That is my mom, my biggest supporter and encourager; she has always helped me during difficult times in my life as she continues to do so today.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom!

‘busy days’

In my post ‘ESTRANGED‘, I concluded with the following –

One of my sons calls on a regular basis – thank you son.  The other two sons do not call me and in the past I would call them, but now no longer do I call.

These 2 sons I saw at Thanksgiving and they were aware of my surgery.  These 2 sons I have not heard from since my surgery.  These 2 sons I have not spoken with since Thanksgiving.

Are we estranged?

Again, I just do not understand why?

In the past, I had asked myself, what did I do or not do to deserve the absence from my life; the no communication and the appearance of not caring?

Again, I refuse to blame myself any longer.

Again, I refuse to cry anymore tears.

But it does still bothers me, more so today, because my life has changed, my health has changed.

In today’s post, I write the following –

Since I wrote that post, these 2 sons I have not spoken with since Thanksgiving reached out to me.  Once of them called me on my birthday, the other did not acknowledge it.  The one that did call on my birthday, he apologized for not calling earlier.

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He indicated he has been extremely busy and though that is not a good excuse, he has had much to do and did not find the time.  We caught up with each other and I provided him the update on my health and treatment.  Me knowing this son, it will be awhile before I hear from him again.

Then one evening, I was surprised when my phone rang and it was my son #1.  I was already in bed and in extreme pain and therefore I did not answer it.  The next day I texted him and told him I appreciated him calling and he could back the upcoming weekend.  I received no text back and I did not receive a phone call.  This did not surprise me or upset me, I am used to this typical routine.  So, I waited about a week and called him and we did finally connect and chatted for a while.  Again, same as other son, he is extremely busy and though that is not a good excuse, he has had much to do and did not find the time.  We caught up with each other and I provided him the update on my health and treatment.  Me knowing this son, it will be awhile before I hear from him again.

I know my son’s lives are busy, I believe them.  There was a time in my life where I was busy also working many hours and little time for other things in life.

Back during my ‘busy days’, we did not have smartphones.

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Yes, we had cellphones, but they were not smart.  And though I was very busy with work, I always made time to call my parents and my sons.  Today I feel there is no excuse to have some sort of communication with someone.

Gone are the days where our communication were letters and phone calls from land lines.

There are many forms of communication today – a simple text is easy and fast.

I do not always need a phone call, a text will do – but I guess they are too busy to do that also.

Coloring & Making Bracelets

It has been a long time since I wrote a post about Gary’s mom.  She has Dementia and is currently living with Gary’s younger brother in Florida near Pensacola.  For those of you who wish to know more about her, you are welcome to read these posts I wrote last year –

My Mother In-Law Teacher

…hold back the tears in my eyes

Dementia – It’s Been A Long Road

My Mother In-Law’s Library

You may remember, we took Gary’s mom from the younger brother’s home to the older brother’s home in Orlando right before Christmas last year.  She stayed with the older brother until we took her back to the younger brother in late March this year.

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Prior to our actual move from Pensacola, Florida to Tampa, Florida, I had a consultation with an Oncologist at the Moffitt Cancer Center in Tampa.  That consultation resulted in subsequent tests later that same week.  There were tests scheduled in one day and it literally took all day to complete them.  A couple of these test involved having to spend several hours in between them and Gary and his mom needed to do something while I was having the actual tests.

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We were fortunate that Moffitt Cancer Center has specific areas in their hospital for just that; finding something to do.  While I was having my bone scan, Gary and his mom spent time coloring and making bracelets.   I wanted to share a few pictures with you of Gary’s mom – my mother in law.  She is 94 and is in great physical heath and she can walk faster than me.  There is the Dementia that causes issues at times, but that day while waiting for me, she was happy coloring and making her bracelets.

And do you see the important message she had for me?

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goodbyes or Thank You

I have in the past had dreams where I woke up and voice recorded what I remember about the dream.  A couple of months ago, I had one of those dreams and though I did not remember a great deal of detail about the dream, I went ahead and voice recorded what I did remember.  It was an important dream, because it involved all of my family and I felt it had significance.

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What was is about and what is its significance?

I was in a large room and all my family were there, everyone.  There were my sons and my parents and my siblings.  There also were my aunts, uncles and cousins, nieces and nephews.  And one other person was there; no longer considered family, but she was there – my ex-wife.

I am approaching each one of them and grasping their hands and hugging them and having a brief chat.  I have no recall what these discussions were about, but I felt it was the last time I was going to see them.  This whole event appeared to everyone including me as not a big deal, it was not exciting nor somber; there was no laughter and there were no tears – it just was the family being together.

Amongst all the family members in line, also standing there is my oldest son, and I bypassed him; I felt I had nothing to say to him.

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You may remember back in March I wrote a post ‘ESTRANGED‘, and I concluded with the following –

One of my sons calls on a regular basis – thank you son.  The other two sons do not call me and in the past I would call them, but now no longer do I call. 

These 2 sons I saw at Thanksgiving and they were aware of my surgery.  These 2 sons I have not heard from since my surgery.  These 2 sons I have not spoken with since Thanksgiving.

Are we estranged?

Again, I just do not understand why?

In the past, I had asked myself, what did I do or not do to deserve the absence from my life; the no communication and the appearance of not caring?

Again, I refuse to blame myself any longer. 

Again, I refuse to cry anymore tears.

In today’s post, I conclude with the following –

Since this dream took place, I have spoken with both of these sons and will write about in a future post.  But in this dream, why did I not acknowledge the oldest son?  And what was this dream about?

Is the dream about me saying my goodbyes before I die?

Is the dream about me saying “Thank You” for your thoughts and prayers that have now brought me to being healthy once again?

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I decided to not put more thought into interpreting this dream; I do not think there is a need to.

Perhaps at the time of this dream, I was still blaming myself and angry, especially at my oldest son.  My relationship is different with him than the other two and our differences and similarities go back a long way.

I do believe my sons truly care about me.  It maybe they just do not know how to display it.

The Yellow Dot

In my posts ‘Look Forward‘ and ‘Seeking a Home Base‘,  I wrote about the future planned trip to central Florida in search of a possible location to relocate to.

That trip will begin tomorrow.

Many activities have already taken place this week and my time on WP has recently been limited.

Today, I am spending most of the day alone with hopes of catching-up on reading posts and writing posts.

What does the yellow dot have to do with today?

ESTRANGED

Over a year ago, in my post ‘The Good Me & The Bad Her‘, I wrote the following words –

Some of you know my feelings about me as a father to my sons.  Many years I felt like a failure because I was out of my son’s lives at a young age – they do not really know me.  This is one reason for starting this blog; I want to share me and who I am and my life in writing so my sons may someday know who I was and know who I am.

In today’s post, I write the following –

From Google –

es·tranged

iˈstrānjd/

adjective

adjective: estranged

(of a person) no longer close or affectionate to someone; alienated.

“Harriet felt more estranged from her daughter than ever”

(of a wife or husband) no longer living with their spouse.

past participle: estranged

“his estranged wife”

I just do not understand why?

In the past, I had asked myself, what did I do or not do to deserve the absence from my life; the no communication and the appearance of not caring?

I refuse to blame myself any longer.

I refuse to cry anymore tears.

But it does still bothers me, more so today, because my life has changed, my health has changed.

Life threatening or not, shouldn’t this bring us closer?

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I have not written about my relationship with my sons in quite a while.  I have written posts about their birthdays, but nothing specifically about our relationship today.

My sons have known about my cancer since I found out about it; I have hidden nothing from them.  You remember it was important for me to visit my family for Thanksgiving.  I did see my 3 sons at that time and I feel fortunate to have spent some time with them.  For many years I would not receive a call from my sons and it was always me calling them because I was interested in them and their lives.  Many years I did not receive a call on my birthday and even Father’s Day.  I blamed their lack of interest in me on myself; it was my fault.  I overcame this self-blame last year after writing posts about them and me and our relationship.  Today, I no longer blame myself.

One of my sons calls on a regular basis – thank you son.  The other two sons do not call me and in the past I would call them, but now no longer do I call.

These 2 sons I saw at Thanksgiving and they were aware of my surgery.  These 2 sons I have not heard from since my surgery.  These 2 sons I have not spoken with since Thanksgiving.

Are we estranged?

Again, I just do not understand why?

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In the past, I had asked myself, what did I do or not do to deserve the absence from my life; the no communication and the appearance of not caring?

Again, I refuse to blame myself any longer.

Again, I refuse to cry anymore tears.

But it does still bothers me, more so today, because my life has changed, my health has changed.