Silo

My category ‘Pictures & Stories’ are posts with me writing a fictional, creative short story about a picture.

Silo

Silo –

The town knew what is was, the facade could not hide the truth.  It took years to build, why would this small structure take years to build?  Unless there was something to hide.

And Twistee Treat, that had to be the project name; who in their right mind would name a business Twistee Treat?

Now years after the construction started, it was open – it was time to investigate.

I slowly with caution approached wondering why there weren’t more people here.  Was this a clue?

Now at the window, I pretended to be calm and then I realized the menu was full of assorted flavors of ice cream, cones and sprinkles.

It was like being in ice cream heaven; but no this was all fake.  The real reason was well below the floor hidden and ready to go at a moment’s notice.

It was a silo after all, right?

day of remembrance

Today is Monday and a national holiday here in the United States.  We celebrate Memorial Day today to honor those that have died while in service fighting in any war.

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Image Provided by: http://www.forbes.com

But as usual, with most holidays, we decide to celebrate it for something else.  Memorial Day is now celebrated as the unofficial start of summer, picnics and camping season.

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Image Provided by: keystonerv.com

From Keystone RV Company website article ‘Why You Should Never Wish Someone a “Happy Memorial Day”’ –

Memorial Day was originally called Decoration Day as a day of remembrance for those who have died in service of the United States of America.  Since Memorial Day honors those who have made the ultimate sacrifice for our Nation you should not wish someone a “Happy Memorial Day.”

The above-mentioned article has ‘11 Facts You Didn’t Know about Memorial Day’ – click the link above to find out what those facts are.

Whether you live in the United States or another country, let’s not forget the many brave people who have died in the many wars of this world’s history.

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texasback.com

the option to kill myself

Past weeks, months; I have written about my pain – the seeming never ending pain.

Is the pain because the cancer that is invading my Lymph Nodes are pressing against nerves?

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Image Provided by: shoppermagazine.es

Is the pain because of the position I was in during a lengthy 10 ½ surgery placed too much pressure on specific nerves?

These questions are possible reasons and there can be others as well.

I am in pain every minute of every day and at times the pain is so severe, I want to die.

Those times of severe pain the thought of suicide crosses my mind – I want to do it – I want to kill myself.

February of last year, I wrote a post ‘suicide – it sounds peaceful, it sounds calm‘, in which I wrote the following words –

It sounds peaceful, it sounds calm, it sounds internal; it sounds like something that’s good to me, something that I want.  But as long as I am still here I am not going to commit suicide – I will not do it.  And though my mind tells me it is an option, there is that conscience part of me that says no, it is not an option.  And I struggle with this still; but it will not ever happen and I will keep fighting the good fight and I will keep continuing to move forward.

October of 2015, I wrote a post ‘I am not afraid to die‘, in which I wrote the following words –

I will be totally honest with you my readers – today the thought of killing me still occasionally crosses my mind and there are times I wish I were dead.   But the act of me intentionally killing me will not take place.  No matter the struggles I still have in my life; I understand the taking of my own life is not the way for me to deal with these struggles.  I believe all of us are on this earth for a reason, and no matter the struggles we encounter; we all have strength within ourselves to overcome, to move forward and to survive.  Sometimes that strength can be buried under all the burdens of despair and anguish and finding it can be difficult.

Back to today –

I attempted suicide in my 20s; about 30 years ago, and this act has and still is a constant thought on my mind.

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Image Provided by: http://www.istockphoto.com

In one of my many posts here on my blog, I wrote about a memory I have when I was a very young child.  I was likely anywhere from 10 to 12 years old.  I remember wanting to die and walking into the kitchen and reaching for a knife.  I remember wanting to stab myself with that knife and killing myself; ending it all.

I am in my 50s now and those thoughts of killing myself and ending it all continue to be strong today.  Especially now, with times of pain so great the tears from my eyes can fill buckets and those thoughts of killing myself are so very strong.

And I have pills; lots of pills that can help with that – but still today I fight that urge – I remind myself; killing me, this is not an option.

drowning

14 years ago today, Gary and I met for the first time.

If you are interested in how we met, please take the time and read my post ‘The Hit – The Last Chapter‘.

We usually do not celebrate the anniversary of the day we met or the anniversary of our marriage.

We are happy we are together, though sometimes living in a small RV at times can be trying.

Sometimes, it seems being close together 24 hours a day in close quarters can appear like one is drowning.

Just kidding, I just thought that statement would be a good segue.

I will end this post with a song; to understand why I picked this song, you would need to read the above-mentioned post.

Stop & Listen

Back in December of last year, in my post ‘Reveille‘, I wrote the following words –

In the mornings after reveille, the National Anthem is played.  In the United States, we play the National Anthem before sporting events and sometimes other types of activities where large amounts of people are gathered.  I would acknowledge the song and maybe sing along with it or, maybe not.  Since living at NAS, that has changed; I feel differently when I hear this song now.  The song has more meaning for me.  Why?

No matter where on the base one is – when the National Anthem is played in the morning or evening, everyone stops what they are doing and gives their attention.  Military personal both active and retired salute and civilians with their hand on their heart.  My heart pounds as I am stopped in my tracks and begin singing the National Anthem – what an honor.

In today’s post, I write the following –

From Wikipedia –

The Star-Spangled Banner” is the national anthem of the United States of America. The lyrics come from “Defence of Fort M’Henry”, a poem written on September 14, 1814, by the 35-year-old lawyer and amateur poet Francis Scott Key after witnessing the bombardment of Fort McHenry by British ships of the Royal Navy in Baltimore Harbor during the Battle of Baltimore in the War of 1812. Key was inspired by the large American flag, the Star-Spangled Banner, flying triumphantly above the fort during the American victory.

My friend and fellow blogger Jennie over at A Teacher’s Reflections published a wonderful post back in November of last year about the significance of this song with children.  I did not realize there is a book The Star Spangled Banner by Peter Spier that depicts the words to this song in full color illustrations.  Please stop over to Jennie’s blog and check out her wonderful post Children and “The Star Spangled Banner”.

Having lived on the Naval Air Station (NAS) Pensacola, Florida – I heard this song every morning.  We sing it many times in our lives without much thought into the words and the meaning of the song.  I realize the following video is rather long (11:38 minutes), but if you have time to watch it, please do.  I hope you listen to the words and watch the video today, and learn something you may have not known and maybe just maybe, it brings to you a new significance; and the next time you hear it, a since of honor and pride will fill your heart.

1998

Today is the 22nd month of my blog!  My anniversary post is something different than the usual posts I write.

3 (March) + 13 (Day) + 22 (Months) = 38

When I was 38 years old, the year was 1998.  If my memory serves me correctly, I found my early 30s to be fun and exciting and found my late 30s to be stressful.  I actually hated my late 30s because I was on the down slope to 40.  Little did I know my 40s would be wonderful years that were a turning point to good things to come.

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Image Provided by: http://www.spreadshirt.com

Okay back to 38 and 1998.  What was going on in 1998?

If you research, you will find interesting events that occurred in this year.  There were the usual earthquakes around the world, and then there was the Winter Olympic Games in Japan; oh, and let’s not forget President Bill Clinton denied he had “sexual relations” with formal White House intern Monica Lewinsky.

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Image Provided by: TIME.com

Okay, enough of that type of information, let’s find some interesting events –

Did you know in 1998, The Search Engine Google was founded?  I did not know this – you may need this information someday for a trivia question.

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Image Provided by: Computer Weekly

Did you know in 1998, Titanic was a popular movie? It was released in late 1997 – I think I went to the movie theater 3 or 4 times to watch it.

Did you know in 1998, Spice Girls were popular?  I like Spice Girls, one of my favorite songs of theirs is ‘Wannabe’.

Did you know in 1998, Star Trek: Voyager was a highly-watched TV show?  Yes, I am a trekkie; I have seen all the TV series, but I will admit I have missed a couple of the most recent motion pictures.  I hope to catch-up soon on seeing these movies.

In 1998, my birthday was on a Saturday and most likely I did nothing to celebrate it.  That year, I was in my 3rd and final bad relationship that would end soon and it would be another 5 years before I would meet Gary.

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Image Provided by: The Health Psychologist

1998 and 38; an odd time for me as my 30s were coming to an end and soon the 40s would begin.

Today is the 22nd month of my blog!  My anniversary post is something different than the usual posts I write.

‘My Personal Hell’ (Reader Discretion Is Advised)

I wrote this post over a year ago, and never published it because I felt at the time it was too personal.  Since that time, my early cancer treatment resulted in Stage 4 Bladder Cancer and a major surgery to remove my bladder.  Since that time, I have written other posts that were sensitive in nature.  Since that time, now I have nothing to hide.

Written February 16, 2016 –

wikepedia.org uses these words to describe Hell; I also use these words plus others –

Agony, Torture, Pain

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Image Provided by: Now The End Begins

This post will be very personal in nature and will expose my thoughts that you may not want to read.  Stop reading at any time you feel uncomfortable – I understand.

A week ago I had a tumor removed from my bladder.  After the tumor was removed I had a catheter inserted into and through my penis into the bladder to help it drain urine and to also flush out any remaining pieces of tumor and any blood clots that had formed.  The catheter used on me is a ‘3-way catheter for irrigation’, therefore it was a very large catheter in circumference.  Upon having it removed, which I thought was bad enough; I am experiencing the usual pain and burning when peeing.  But the pain and burning is nothing compared to what I experience on a nightly basis since having it removed.

I do not look forward to sleep, as I know upon the many times I wake during the night, waiting for me is ‘My Personal Hell’.

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Image Provided by: http://www.pinterest.com

Let us review what takes place upon waking from sleep for a typical male.  goaskalice.columbia.edu has the following –

Contrary to what many believe, waking up with your flag at full mast is not caused by urine buildup in the bladder. Morning erections are technically nighttime erections (or Nocturnal Penile Tumescence) which happen three to five times per night. They usually pop up (pun intended) during periods of Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep (when most dreaming occurs) and last around 30 minutes each. Unrelated to dream content, they are both common and completely normal and men older than sixty years may even have them during non-REM sleep.

Yes, I am a normal man in that I experience this normal body function.  But less than a week after having a very large tube inserted and removed from my penis, this normal body function is now an experience that brings me to tears.

The last several nights, I have cried more than I ever have in my entire life.  During these normal body function times, the fire, torment, punishment, agony, torture and pain I feel is so overwhelming, I plead with God to let me die.  I am weak, I cannot handle the pain, my life will never be the same, please God, let me die now.

I am tired as this is my new nighttime ritual.  How long will it last, how long will I last.  I am tired not only due to the lack of good sleep, but the emotional toll it is taking on me.

I am down and I am sad and I am frustrated and I am mad.  I try to stay hopeful and positive for the future – but it is difficult.

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Image Provided by: CNN.com

It is difficult because every night I do not look forward to sleep – because waiting for me is ‘My Personal Hell’.

(This will never be an issue again.  As many of you know, my most recent surgery removed not just my bladder, but other organs that now prevent me from experiencing Nocturnal Penile Tumescence.  Lucky me!)

Turning 21

Today is the 21st month of my blog!  My anniversary post is something different than the usual posts I write.

Hum, 21 months……

wikpedia.org has the following –

Age 21 –

In several countries 21 is the age of majority.

In all US states, 21 is the drinking age.

In Hawaii and New York, 21 is the minimum age that one person may purchase cigarettes and other tobacco products.

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Image Provided by: Cleveland City Council

In some countries it is the voting age.

In the United States, 21 is the age at which one can purchase multiple tickets to an R-rated film. It is also the age to accompany one under the age of 17 as their parent or adult guardian for an R-rated movie.

In some states, 21 is the minimum age, persons may gamble or enter casinos.

In 2011, Adele named her second studio album 21, because of her age at the time.

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Image Provided by: Wikipedia

Hum, 21 years……

When I was the age 21: I was in my 3nd year of marriage.

When I was the age 21: I had been drinking for several years, 18 was the drinking age back then, it was changed to 21 after I had already turned 21 – lucky me.

When I was the age 21: I had been smoking for several years, I started at 16 and finally quit for the final time last year.

When I was the age 21: I most likely voted for the first time – I always wondered why I had to wait until 21 to vote, when I was required to register for the draft at age 18.

When I was the age 21: I have no idea what my first R-rated film I saw – the best top grossing R-rated film that year was ‘Stripes’ starring Bill Murray.

When I was the age 21: I do not believe I had gambled or been in a casino – I certainly have had my share of visits to a casino in the past several years.

When I was the age 21: I had no best selling album – but that year REO Speedwagon did, it was titled ‘Hi Infidelity’.

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Image Provided by: feelgrafix.com

Today is the 21st month of my blog!  My anniversary post is something different than the usual posts I write.

Controlled Drinking

Okay stay with me – there is some time warping taking place here – I write some thoughts today – then there are thoughts from the past – thoughts from other posts – then back to today.

I sometimes will write a post and for certain reasons will not publish it.  I then will go back to an unpublished post and feel it needs to be published because it is important and relevant today.

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Here is one of those posts; I wrote the following words over a year ago –

This will be the last post I write about drinking!  From my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.18’, I ended with the following –

I was feeling out of control and handled it by drinking everyday as much as I could.  The alcohol changed my behavior from bad to evil.  It was not creating a state of mind that took me away from the craziness I felt: instead it created an evil person that hated life and everything about it.

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In my post ‘Drink, Drink, Drink’, I ended with the following –

Ok, there you have it; I am in the heavy drinking category and have AUD.  On the NIH site I read some questions to ask to assess oneself with AUD.  Of the 11 questions they asked, I answered ‘Yes’ to 1 question.

I ask again “So, am I an alcoholic?”  I guess I may be per the definition of the word – but I answered ‘Yes’ to 1 question indicating I have AUD – I understand the effects of heavy drinking – but I continue to do it anyway.

There is a good article on the goodtherapy.org website titled ‘Stopping at the Buzz: How to Control Your Drinking’ and includes the following –

In my practice as an addiction psychologist, it’s probably the most common question I encounter; when it comes right down to it, it’s what most people who are struggling with alcohol really want to know:

“How can I control my drinking or drug use?”

For some drinkers, controlled drinking or moderate drinking is an option, and for a small portion of the population, about 5%, controlled drinking is nearly impossible. While many people believe “once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic,” many people diagnosed with alcoholism can learn to control their drinking and become social drinkers again. That said, if you have been diagnosed with alcohol dependence, most addiction psychologists, psychiatrists, physicians, social workers, and addiction counselors would strongly recommend abstinence. This is always a very personal decision that should be made with careful consideration of the risks and benefits of drinking versus abstinence.

Okay there you have it – I am controlling my drinking.  I am aware of the risks of long term drinking use, but unlike in my 20s, I have it under control and do not drink for the wrong reasons.  The depression years are over, the stress in my life is reduced, and yes, I still have a few issues in my mind to deal with, but my mind is no longer out of control.

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I have taken the option to control my drinking and to not use it to take me away from reality.

Today, I write and conclude with these words –

The above words I wrote a year ago, and little did I know; I was totally correct about me and my drinking behavior.  I do have it under control as since my cancer diagnosis I have all but quit drinking.  For a time, a few months ago, I stopped drinking because of chemo.  Since my chemo is over, I do drink again, but limit myself.

Do I need to justify my drinking habits to anyone?  I don’t think so, but I just did.

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(Note: recently no alcohol intake is taking place due to antibiotics and pain medication intake.  With a major surgery scheduled in 3 weeks, the continued practice of not drinking will continue.)

Steven Hall Grimnes

I searched the internet for him and his story.

I found some information on ‘The National Archives’ website, but no information I did not already know.

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Who is this person, and what is his story?

I know the Name, the Rank, the Branch of Service, the Wars, the Time Lived; but I do not know anything else.

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But there are thousands upon thousands who rest in peace and who are recognized a few times a year for their life and their time serving us.

My husband served and saw some action and my son serves and saw no action.

Many others have served and are serving that were in action; and many died in action – still many never to return from action.

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As I currently live on the Naval Air Station (NAS) Pensacola, Florida; I drive by the area of land almost every day.

Upon returning from our recent trip, I once again drove by; but this time it was different – because of the season.

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Rows upon rows of them, garnished with wreaths and bows of red to mark the season.

I stood in awe at the site and it reminded me of the sacrifices these individuals made and still make today.

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Let us not forget about those serving in the military and are away from family this time of the year.

Let us not forget about those that have served and who rest in peace in our national cemeteries across this great land.

Who are these people, and what are their stories?

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