Okay stay with me – there is some time warping taking place here – I write some thoughts today – then there are thoughts from the past – thoughts from other posts – then back to today.
I sometimes will write a post and for certain reasons will not publish it. I then will go back to an unpublished post and feel it needs to be published because it is important and relevant today.
Here is one of those posts; I wrote the following words over a year ago –
This will be the last post I write about drinking! From my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.18’, I ended with the following –
I was feeling out of control and handled it by drinking everyday as much as I could. The alcohol changed my behavior from bad to evil. It was not creating a state of mind that took me away from the craziness I felt: instead it created an evil person that hated life and everything about it.
In my post ‘Drink, Drink, Drink’, I ended with the following –
Ok, there you have it; I am in the heavy drinking category and have AUD. On the NIH site I read some questions to ask to assess oneself with AUD. Of the 11 questions they asked, I answered ‘Yes’ to 1 question.
I ask again “So, am I an alcoholic?” I guess I may be per the definition of the word – but I answered ‘Yes’ to 1 question indicating I have AUD – I understand the effects of heavy drinking – but I continue to do it anyway.
There is a good article on the goodtherapy.org website titled ‘Stopping at the Buzz: How to Control Your Drinking’ and includes the following –
In my practice as an addiction psychologist, it’s probably the most common question I encounter; when it comes right down to it, it’s what most people who are struggling with alcohol really want to know:
“How can I control my drinking or drug use?”
For some drinkers, controlled drinking or moderate drinking is an option, and for a small portion of the population, about 5%, controlled drinking is nearly impossible. While many people believe “once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic,” many people diagnosed with alcoholism can learn to control their drinking and become social drinkers again. That said, if you have been diagnosed with alcohol dependence, most addiction psychologists, psychiatrists, physicians, social workers, and addiction counselors would strongly recommend abstinence. This is always a very personal decision that should be made with careful consideration of the risks and benefits of drinking versus abstinence.
Okay there you have it – I am controlling my drinking. I am aware of the risks of long term drinking use, but unlike in my 20s, I have it under control and do not drink for the wrong reasons. The depression years are over, the stress in my life is reduced, and yes, I still have a few issues in my mind to deal with, but my mind is no longer out of control.
I have taken the option to control my drinking and to not use it to take me away from reality.
Today, I write and conclude with these words –
The above words I wrote a year ago, and little did I know; I was totally correct about me and my drinking behavior. I do have it under control as since my cancer diagnosis I have all but quit drinking. For a time, a few months ago, I stopped drinking because of chemo. Since my chemo is over, I do drink again, but limit myself.
Do I need to justify my drinking habits to anyone? I don’t think so, but I just did.
(Note: recently no alcohol intake is taking place due to antibiotics and pain medication intake. With a major surgery scheduled in 3 weeks, the continued practice of not drinking will continue.)