loved many dogs – a Visual Recite

I have added a new category to my blog titled ‘a Visual Recite’.

I have taken many pictures over the years and I share them with you with a recite.

loved many dogsloved many dogs –

“Dogs come into our lives to teach us about love, they depart to teach us about loss. A new dog never replaces an old dog, it merely expands the heart. If you have loved many dogs your heart is very big.” 

– Erica Jong

critical point

From my post ‘turning point‘, I concluded with the following –

Upon having my initial appointment with the Supportive Care Medicine, the main doctor, Dr. C., immediately wanted to place me in the hospital due to the extreme pain level and the lack of quality of life.


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So, after waiting several hours just to be admitted that were becoming unbearable for me, finally a bed became available and the start of my 7 days would begin.

This is a turning point that Gary and I were looking for that would change the course of my treatment.

More to come my friends in future posts to explain so much more.

In today’s post, I write the following – has this definition –

turning point


1. a point at which a decisive change takes place; critical point; crisis.

2. a point at which something changes direction, especially a high or low point on a graph.

3. Surveying. a point temporarily located and marked in order to establish the elevation or position of a surveying instrument at a new station.

Based on my admittance into the hospital, changes to my pain medications, tests and results – there are 2 turning points.  This is turning point 1 –

In the past several months I have written about the extreme amount and level of pain I have experienced.


Upon admittance into the hospital, the Supportive Care Medicine team of doctors wanted to change my pain medications and run scans to determine the sources of the difference pains I feel daily.

First, a CT Scan with contrast was performed with Dr. C. specifying thoracic, abdominal and pelvic areas.  As part of this CT Scan, he requested the right groin area be included.  My right groin for the past several weeks has been causing me severe pain.  This severe pain ultimately has resulted in my inability to lay on my back and have my right leg lay flat as well.  I must have the leg bent at the knee to lay flat on my back.  The CT Scan required me lay on my back as flat as possible; the pain I experienced during this time brought tears to my eyes and thank goodness, the process was completed quickly.

Second, Dr. C. ordered a full body MRI specifically on the spine.  He wanted to determine if anything out of the ordinary regarding nerves was obvious.  The MRI process takes more time and again required me to lay on my back and have my right leg lay flat as well.  The doctors and I knew this was not going to occur without some other means.  That other means was placing me under anesthesia so that my body would be totally relaxed.  The MRI was conducted without incident and I was soon back to my room.

20170416_194313 (2)Over the course of the next 6 days adjustments to my pain medications were made.  Some additional slight changes were made last week and the results are my pain is under better control.

Please do not misunderstand me, I still have pain every moment of every day, but I no longer have that 10+ pain.  As I continue to move forward, other adjustments may need to be made.

Turning point 2 to be published soon in another post.

non-existent meditation

Back in August of last year in my post ‘I started meditating‘, I concluded with the following words –

Meditation once again brought me comfort and brought me back to me.

I asked meditation to join me and help me, to improve me, to take me and bring me to a better place.

I asked meditation to teach me, to build me, to journey with me to a better life.

Mediation has accomplished these and will continue to do so as I proceed forward into my journey.

I started meditating.

In today’s post, I begin with the following words –

I have not written or even mentioned anything about meditation for quite some time.  It once was a daily activity in my life and now is a memory of something I once did.  I enjoyed the time spent meditating and felt I received benefits from it that helped me in my daily life.  I missed it; but used the past 6 month’s events to not be associated with it.  There was the chemotherapy, the CAT Scans, the PET Scans, MRI and then the surgery.  There was the overwhelming tiredness, the severe pains, the difficulty in walking and other problems related to my cancer and my health.

But, I did not use meditation during this time, instead allowing that present situation at times during the past months to take control of my moods and attitude.  I missed it.


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The non-existent meditation, I want to bring back into my life and be a part of me again.

I ask meditation to join me again and help me again, to improve me again and to take me and bring me to a better place.

I ask meditation to teach me again, to build me again, to journey with me to a better life.

Meditation has accomplished these in the past and I hope again to do so again as I proceed forward into my journey.

The Phantom of the Pee

Most of us are familiar with ‘The Phantom of the Opera’; a musical with music by Andrew Lloyd Webber.


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I bet you are not familiar with ‘The Phantom of the Pee’; not a musical with no music.

Merriam-Webster has the following definition for ‘phantom’ –


a :  something apparent to sense but with no substantial existence :  apparition

b :  something elusive or visionary

c :  an object of continual dread or abhorrence the phantom of disease and want


:  something existing in appearance only


:  a representation of something abstract, ideal, or incorporeal

she was a phantom of delight — William Wordsworth

Google ‘Phantom’ and first on the list of results is ‘DJI Phantom Drone’, with the following descriptions –

The Phantom is a series of unmanned aerial vehicles developed by Chinese technology company DJI. It is widely regarded as the company’s flagship UAV line, as it is the most widely used and known product DJI has released currently.

Google ‘Phantom Pain’ and first on the list or results is the following –

Phantom pain is pain that feels like it’s coming from a body part that’s no longer there. Doctors once believed this post-amputation phenomenon was a psychological problem, but experts now recognize that these real sensations originate in the spinal cord and brain.

I current do not experience phantom pain, but I do experience phantom pee.  Have you heard of phantom pee?

Phantom pee is a real thing, very strange real thing and I do experience it on a regular basis.  I mentioned this to my Urologist Dr. P. and yes, this is a real thing.

As you know my surgery in January removed my bladder and prostate and other male related organs.  My urine is now removed from my body via a stoma into a urostomy bag on the outside of my body.  I no longer have control of my urination.

But I still have the feeling of needing to pee, but I can’t.

Anyway, very strange feeling when you have ‘that urge’ and you no longer can ‘relieve’ yourself.

So, although ‘The Phantom of the Pee’ is not a musical with no music, it is a real occurrence.

Can I change my personality?

Is it possible to change our own personality?


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In my post ‘– and this is what therapy has taught me.‘, I wrote the following –

Psychiatric therapy would take place to change my thinking from negative self-defeating to positive self-loving.  There were many years of individual and group therapy sessions, medications, and the talking about me.  What makes me want to self-abuse myself?  What makes me want to kill myself?  What makes me want to tell myself I am unwanted, unloved, a mistake, a worthless person who is defected?  What makes me quick to lose my temper and want to control others?  What makes me want to be a perfectionist?  What makes me want to have a low self-esteem to the point life is not worth living?  Why, was I sexually violated as a child?  Why was I born to live a difficult life?


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In my post ‘Struggling is part of the process‘, I ended with the following –

Struggling is part of the process.  I by no means am an expert at anything to do with life – but I continue to learn about it and I continue to learn about me.

I continue to struggle because I continue to pick up new skills because this is the learning process and this is my life.

In today’s post, I write the following –

It took over 13 years of therapy to change my thinking and improve my behavior.  Through talking with others and seeing things within me that I was unaware of, I learned many things about myself and my thinking.  This learning helped me to change my behaviors and in turn change me.  Did this changing of me change my personality?

Does the learning from struggles and the picking up of new skills that change me, change my personality?

Is it possible to change our own personality?


Image Provided by: article ‘Can You Change Your Personality‘, begins with the following –

Personality defines us and how we interact with the world.  Though there are different theories about what personality really is and how our basic personality traits are first formed, the general consensus is that personality is shaped by early life experiences and tend to stay stable over time.

The article is very good and if you are interested in reading, click the above link; it concludes with the following –

Recognizing that personality can be changed can lead to more effective treatment for people with personality problems as well as helping to overcome resistance to change.   All too frequently, patients insist that they are incapable of change when actually they are either unwilling or afraid to try.


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I have always been willing to change my thinking, my behavior and me and I have never been afraid to try.  I know my personality can be changed because I have changed it from a major depressed person to a happier person.  I still have changes to make, so the effort continues because I can, I will and I am not afraid to try.