figures in the distance

Fears and Fogs & Alone Suffocating, grasping and seeing figures in the distance.

Then there is the choking waking me in the middle of the night to remind me it is time.

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These are ramblings of a dying man, a man whose body and brain are tired.

And what about the vision, another sign?

A sign for what?

To remind me it is time?

There is that apple sauce going nowhere really no longer to serve a purpose.  Well the purpose has changed some and reminds me of the signs.

Remind me not to eat too many ice chips or drink too much water, because of time could come later.

To remind me it is time?

Fears and Fogs & Alone Suffocating, clasping and seeing figures in the distance.

Death

Cancer will take my life

In my post ‘I will see her again‘, I concluded with the following –

These family members know my life may be short.  The once small cancer that was found almost 2 years ago, is now taking over my body.  The treatments may help slow down the progression, but ultimately my cancer will take my life.

In today’s post, I begin with the following –

In last Friday’s post ‘…out of my nose soon‘, I wrote about a small surgery to take place to insert a ‘G Tube’, from my stomach to the outside of my body.  This ‘G Tube’ will provide me a way to release the pressure from my stomach and small intestines without a tube going through my nose.  This ‘G Tube’ should bring me some relieve, however it brings on a whole another set of challenges.  With this tube, I will no longer eat through my mouth; but instead through an IV.

The surgery last Thursday was a success and after several more days of observation it was time to leave the hospital.

I spent my last 13 days in the hospital and arrived home again yesterday to the RV.  I am very glad to be out of the hospital and to be feeling better today.

Did you notice the pictures associated with last Friday’s post?  JImage2ust viewing some of the pictures, some of you know, a few may not have figured it out, and it may be others are not ready to accept or acknowledge.

I did not need to write the words, the associated pictures displayed the words in plain for all to see.

I left the hospital yesterday and now am back home in my RV to start my Hospice care.

Cancer will take my life.  I have always referred to this cancer in my body as my cancer as it does not belong to anyone else.  My cancer will take my life.  Those pictures associated to last Friday’s post revealed just how much my cancer has taken over and my fight is coming to an end.  My body and mind are worn and it is time to prepare for what is ultimately to take place.

20170416_194313 (2)The family visits of past weeks are over and my body is tired and mind is ready.

Hospice will begin this week and changes will take place in many areas for both Gary and me.  If you read my post yesterday, starting this week; the amount of posts will be reduced.

As always, I appreciate every one of you for stopping by each day to read and comment.  You my friends; your support and encouragement all have a huge positive impact on me.

But, now it is time – time for my cancer to take my life.

Dreaming with Color

My friends this past week I have had unexpected change in plans.

After my appointment last Tuesday with Dr. C., he decided to admit me into the hospital.

Since then, much has taken place and this weekend I have more family visiting.

I plan to post everyday – this is my goal.

For the next several days, I have a favor to ask.

I need some rest, some time to catchup on me.

Comments are disabled today.

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While in the hospital and spending time by myself provides me time to think, dream, ponder, and reflect.

There is much to take place in the near future, and I will let you know what that is soon.

There is much to take in and think about and ponder about.

There is much to take in and dream about and reflect about.

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beauty of each moment

With family members here visiting this past weekend, I have fallen behind.  With my current health, my body fatigues easily and I need more rest.

More rest means I am spending less time doing other things – such as WP related activities.

I have fallen behind.  So, a short post for today.

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My Life Partner Does! – A Fresh Perspective

I am in year 3 of my blog.

In the early days of this blog, there are posts that received little exposer.

I have a new category ‘Reruns – A Fresh Perspective’.  This category reposts these earlier posts that received little exposer and a fresh perspective on how I feel about them today.

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This post was originally posted on May 18, 2015 –

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia –

A life partner is a romantic or otherwise very close friend for life. The partners can be of the same or opposite sexes, married or unmarried, and celibate, monogamous or polyamorous.

From Me, the free blog –

My life partner and I are romantic, are very close friends for life, we are of the same sex, unmarried and monogamous.

My life partner is more than the Wikipedia definition; my definition of my life partner encompasses additional qualities and traits.  These qualities and traits are included in the definitions for Lifeguard, Life Coach, Life Line and Life Saver.

My life partner as a Lifeguard will rescue me when I get into difficulty in a swimming pool.  Not just an actual swimming pool, but all other metaphors for swimming pool.  The swimming pool of life in comparison is more like an ocean.  This ocean at time seems endless with no land near and the boat we are on at times experiences turbulence in the water.  I know when the turbulence gets rough; my Lifeguard will be there to rescue me.

My life partner as a Life Coach councils and encourages me when I experience personal challenges.  This Life Coach will motivate me to fight the challenges and achieve my goals.  This Life Coach will advise me during times of decision making, and reminds me of my strengths and encourages me to overcome my weaknesses.

My life partner as a Life Line will preserve my life by keeping in contact during times of need.  This Life Line is never too far to throw me a rope when I need to be brought back closer.  This Life Line watches me close as I roam into uncharted territory and never leaves me alone in harm’s way.

My life partner as a Life Saver (the candy) is sweet, fruity and fun.  This Life Saver’s sweetness is never ending, always pleasurable in personality.  This Life Saver is fruity, mellow and cheerful.  This Life Saver is fun and enjoyable to have around.  This Life Saver can be lighthearted, be amusing and be entertaining.

So, my hopes are for people who have a life partner in their life, they have more than just the Wikipedia definition of a life partner.  My hope is your life partner rescues you, advices you, encourages and motivates you – My hope is your life partner brings pleasure and fun in your life.  My Life Partner Does!

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A Fresh Perspective –

When I wrote that post over 2 years ago, Gary was my life partner and today he is my husband.  I have written many posts about the importance of him in my life, especially now.  He continues to be my Lifeguard, my Life Coach, My Life Line and certainly my Life Saver (the candy).  He is all that and more, how fortunate I am to have this special person in my life.

Who is next?

In my post ‘Phone Calls‘, I wrote the following –

So, the news of my cancer spreading and growing was received on a Friday; and Saturday Gary made a couple of calls.

He called my twin sister and he called my stepmom.  Why call these two family members?

My stepmom is the caretaker of my dad who has Parkinson’s Disease.  My dad’s health has deteriorated a great deal in the past couple of years.

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At times, it is very difficult to understand his speech and because of the medications he is on; he sleeps a lot.  My stepmom has been a part of the family for over 30 years and is in contact with my siblings.  Gary knew in talking with her, she in turn would talk with my siblings.

My twin sister, being the only female sibling, has a close relationship with my mom – they live in the same city.  Gary did not want to call my mom directly as he was concerned about upsetting her, plus a sensitive matter was to be discussed and Gary felt it coming from her daughter, my twin sister would be better received from mom.

In today’s post, I write the following –

Do you remember Father’s Day weekend?  My 3 sons surprised me with a visit that weekend.  It was an emotional weekend for all of us as we chatted about my current health situation.

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I was honest with them and they know the seriousness of my cancer and the ways it is invading my body and what we are doing to fight back.  They saw me at my worse; just a shell of a man who is weak, but still strong.  You can read more about our special weekend in my post ‘Father & Sons‘.

A couple of weeks after my son’s visit, my dad and stepmom came to visit.  They spent a week and I had many special moments with my dad, moments I will not forget.  You can read more about their visit in my post ‘Chats, Tears & Love‘.

Do I have other family members coming to visit?  Well, since you asked –

This coming Friday, my twin sister and my mom will be visiting.  Another important visit I am looking forward to because my mom and I are close.  I have written many posts about the importance she is to me.  This will be an emotional visit because my mom, she worries like most moms do and I think she feels helpless.

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My sister and I are twins and therefore we have a special bond.  I believe if that bond were broken in anyway, there would be a great loss there.  My sister has revealed to me she is heartbroken and upset.

This weekend I will have special visits with special family members; both have been important to me throughout my life and especially now.

another world – a Visual Recite

I have added a new category to my blog titled ‘a Visual Recite’.

I have taken many pictures over the years and I share them with you with a recite.

another world

another world –

When you’re in a fighter jet and there’s a dark layer of clouds with just one blue hole with the sun going through it, you shoot for that hole. You go vertical into the light, and suddenly, instead of gray and dark, it’s light and blue. You are totally connected with the elements. You are in another world.

–          Yves Rossy

Magnifying Glass

I recently finally bought reading glasses.

For a while now, or if I am honest for a very long time now, I have needed reading glasses.  Most of the time when using my computer, I am sitting with my laptop in my lap.  Let’s say my eyes were about 2 feet from the screen.  And let’s say, all words were blurring.  And let’s say, I at times was using a magnifying glass to read the words.

I went to the local Walgreens, bought some reading glasses, came home and voila, I could clearly see the words.  What a difference it makes, I now need to become accustomed to having the glasses on the end of my nose so I see non-reading items clearly when lifting my eyes up – you know, like the TV.

So, I was feeling very excited about my new reading glasses and being able to read words again on my computer and not using the magnifying glass.

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About the same time, I read post from fellow blogger and friend Steph over at Bold Blind Beauty.

Steph is blind and her blog’s Welcome page begins with the following words –

An extraordinary online community that encourages beautiful blind women to transcend barriers and walk boldly together with confidence; in style, body, and soul.

If you do not know Steph, please visit her blog site, she is a wonderful lady with a message not just for women, but for us men also.

So, I was feeling very excited about my new reading glasses and I read a post from Steph’s blog site titled ‘Learning To Be Present Through The Loss Of Sight’.

I was feeling guilty reading her post, because here I am excited about my new reading glasses and Steph is writing about losing her sight and being declared legally blind and using a white cane and not knowing what was ahead of her.

I felt selfish and ashamed that I was excited about my new reading glasses when there are others who cannot see things I take for granted seeing.  With my body having cancer and me going through a tough time, I am tired and worn down physically and mentally.  So, the new reading glasses got me excited.

Steph’s post ‘Learning To Be Present Through The Loss Of Sight’, concludes with the following –

Life is way too short to waste it focusing on things we have no control over. Live life now and be in the moment.

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So, Steph, thank you for your wonderful post and reminding me to live life now and be in the moment.  Sometimes I am not, I am down and beaten and feeling sorrow.  But then I open my computer with my new reading glasses and I am reminded how exciting the small things can be.

Those glasses sitting on the edge of my nose is helping me be in the moment and enjoy the words in front of me – I no longer need the magnifying glass.