drowning

14 years ago today, Gary and I met for the first time.

If you are interested in how we met, please take the time and read my post ‘The Hit – The Last Chapter‘.

We usually do not celebrate the anniversary of the day we met or the anniversary of our marriage.

We are happy we are together, though sometimes living in a small RV at times can be trying.

Sometimes, it seems being close together 24 hours a day in close quarters can appear like one is drowning.

Just kidding, I just thought that statement would be a good segue.

I will end this post with a song; to understand why I picked this song, you would need to read the above-mentioned post.

One More Try

There are countless posts on my blog written about life; the whys, the what’s and the reasons.

Why do we live?

Why do we suffer?

Why do we die?

What is the meaning of life?

What is it we need to do?

What is the meaning of death?

Reasons to live life to the fullest.

Reasons to stop and smell the roses.

Reasons to not fear death.

I have many questions, I always have, and along the way I feel I received some answers; but then again, more questions came from those answers.

Many times, I publish posts about certain topics and will include a link to other posts for those that might be interested in reading them.  My posts about life, the meaning of it, death, learning and other topics from my mind can be found in the category ‘Attitudes, Feelings and Views‘.

I always stated this blog is about me and my life; and many posts I have written mention my faults and weaknesses.  I am far from perfect and at one time in my life I thought I was supposed to be.  I overcame that thought and realized I just will put forth the effort to be a better person each day.  Each day I grow, sometimes just a little bit; but I grow.  Each day I move forward; towards being a better person and towards death.

Last month, I published a post ‘Faith‘, where I wrote about the impact of George Michael’s album had on me at a difficult time in my life several decades ago.  His album Faith was important to me at a time I needed something to hold on to.  During many times in my life, I have needed some sort of faith.  Depending on where I was in my live; what trials and tribulations were taking place or the demons I had around me – sometimes faith appeared when I least expected it.   Many times, faith was a message that came from someone else and over the course of my life, that message came in the form of a song.

A song from George Michael’s album Faith is titled One More Try and includes the following lyrics –

I’ve had enough of danger

And people on the streets

I’m looking out for angels

Just trying to find some peace

‘Cause teacher

There are things that I don’t want to learn

And the last one I had

Made me cry

This song One More Try is about a relationship with another person.  But could it also be about a relationship with God or ourselves?

There are many different teachers in my life who have taught many different lessons.

Times in my life god and believes taught me.

I have taught myself.

My mom, dad, husband and many others have taught me – including George Michael.

And though I have learned many things in life and improved myself and became a better person with each passing day, year and decade – I still have questions.

As I continue to ask the questions and continue to make mistakes and stumble, I am given one more try.

That teacher; whoever or whatever it is – continues to give me one more try.

(Note: my responses to your comments will be delayed this week.  Please understand I continue to be in recovery mode and am moving slow.)

that word

Earlier this year in March, I wrote a post ‘What Does Love Got To Do With It?‘, that included the following –

Again I ask; what does love got to do with it?

Love has much to do with family.  Love has everything to do with people we are meant to spend our lives with.

I love my parents and I tell them ‘I love you’.  I love my siblings and I tell them ‘I love you’.  I love my sons and I tell them ‘I love you’.  I love my husband and I tell him ‘I love you’.

Per psychcentral.com article ‘Is Love Losing its Meaning?’ –

This is a heavily debated topic. People often try to define love in terms of romantic euphoria; however, the word “love” generally is used so loosely that its meaning can become diluted. The truth is, “love” often is used to describe other emotions or strong feelings. Using the word “love” just saves us the trouble of having to figure out what we’re actually feeling. We can say we “love” anything, but what does love really mean to us?

In today’s post, I write the following –

I wrote the above post because I felt that word ‘love’ is used too much to describe feelings towards something.  Notice the word I used ‘something’ rather than ‘someone’.  I will be honest, I usually do not use that word ‘love’ toward someone else other than my family and spouse.

My post ‘Results‘, included a video of me discussing the results of my recent tests after chemotherapy and the announcement of my upcoming surgery.  I received many comments including from my good friend Jodi over at The Creative Life In Between.

Jodi’s comment –

Love you Terry!!! You look wonderful despite what you must be going through! Stay positive sweet friend. You have spread more love than you will ever know! xo

My response –

Thank you Jodi, interesting choice of words ‘Love you Terry’, I will need to write a post about that – I know it sounds confusing at the moment! You are special and I am extremely fortunate for friends such as yourself!

Jodi’s response –

Interesting? Just the truth.

I will repeat what I wrote above – I will be honest, I usually do not use that word ‘love’ toward someone else other than my family and spouse.

This recently changed; because I did use that word ‘love’ towards you the readers of my blog.  You never heard it, because I choose not to publish it.  What was I thinking when I spoke that word?  Where did that word come from?  Why did I not let you hear it?  The answers to the questions are; I was not thinking, just reacting – The heart – I felt awkward.

For my video posts, I usually record a video one time because I know what I want to say and the words flow freely and easily.  The video in my ‘Results‘ post took 6 recording attempts.  There were 3 attempts where other people walked near me and I stopped the recording.  1 recording was me walking and I felt it rushed.  Another video was good and that is the one included in the previously mentioned post.  My first recording I liked, even though there was a bit more surrounding noise than I prefer.   The main reason to not use this recording was because at the end I was not thinking and just reacted from the heart and after viewing the video, I felt awkward.

The ‘Results‘ post was published and the comments were made and Jodi used that word ‘love’.  I used that word first; but you never heard that word.

I believe I used that word first because I truly care about you and I truly feel you care about me.  I see now I can use that word ‘love’ for those I truly care about; not just my family and not just my spouse.

I can use that word ‘love’ towards friends as well.

Here is my first video I choose not to use – (FYI: if you want to just hear me speak that word, start the video around the 3:25 mark)

I almost forgot

Earlier this year in April in my post ‘Anniversaries’, I wrote the following –

Gary and I usually do not celebrate the day we met and usually do not celebrate our birthdays – maybe we need to start.

Gary and I have not reached our 1st year wedding anniversary – but I think we should celebrate it.

After many years of being together, we exist and our relationship continues.  It may be that initial spark has dimmed, and our routines are played out each, and every day and we know the other so well we have become content and relaxed and comfortable.  This is good, but that spark that was lit upon meeting 13 years ago; should be revisited and celebrated – maybe we need to start – today!

In today’s post, I write the following –

Gary and I were married 1 year ago today; today is our 1 year wedding anniversary – I almost forgot.

Our lives together for more than a decade now has us living our lives comfortable with each other and being a little complacent.

When I started my blog; it was to be about my life without having opinions about politics, social events, religion and other topics that could cause conflict.  I do not desire conflict here on my blog – I do not need it – I do not want it.

Today I felt I needed to write about Gary, me and our marriage – it is after all our 1 year wedding anniversary.

Never in my mind would I have considered marriage again after my first marriage of decades ago.  And never in my mind would I have considered marriage to another man.

But it happened and accept it or not, it is a reality – my reality – Gary’s reality.

I love Gary very much, and at times I do not always display this – you know I can be a difficult person to live with.  I am moody, mean and complain about many things.  Gary puts up with me for reasons that are unknown to me, why does he do this?

Love, what’s love got to with it?  Everything; love is universal, love is blind, love is unlimited, love is forever, love is eternal.

That is my opinion about my marriage to another man – love, what’s love got to with it?

Everything.

I almost forgot.

Brothers

In my post ‘not many handshakes going on these days.‘, I concluded with the following –

Today, I hug and kiss my dad always without hesitation and the response is welcomed.  I do not kiss my brothers, but we do hug now – not many handshakes going on these days.

The first hug and kiss to my dad – I remember that day as if it were yesterday.

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In today’s post I begin with the following –

Today is my oldest brother’s birthday; he reaches 61 years today.  I have written very little about my twin sister and almost nothing about my brothers.  It is not that they are not important; it is I feel they do not necessarily play an important role in my life, the history of me, the current me, that which is me and is my life.

As mentioned in the above post, I do not kiss my brothers, but we do hug now – not many handshakes going on these days.

Recently, well these past several months; the relationship with my brothers has changed some.  Before Gary and I left Dallas last month, we had dinner with family including my oldest brother, the birthday brother.  As we ended our gathering, he asked about me and my condition and the expectations for the future.  I provided him the information I knew at that point, which did not include the chemotherapy that I am now undertaking.  At that time departing from dinner, he gave me a brotherly hug and said, I love you!  First time for my oldest brother to speak those words to me.

Since that night, there was another conversation on the phone and the same words were spoken to end the discussion.

I have always embraced compassion, love and expression.  Each one of these aspects of us is important, not just for us, but to others also.  My dad and brothers not always easy for them, are coming around to embrace these same aspects.  I believe it is never too late to express the importance of compassion, love and expression.

There is the other brother; another older sibling, the one for which him and I have had basically a non-existent relationship for most of our lives.  We are different, or so we thought until much later in life, that life in times that is now.  We rarely speak on the phone and actually see each other in person less often, very seldom and more often rarely.  We have had a couple of phone conversations in the past month, and spoke more to each other than we have in the past 5 years.

Last week, we ended our phone conversation and before we disconnected, there was a pause, nothing spoken, just a pause.  I felt him and I wanted to say something more, to end the conversation differently than we always have.  The time was not right, not yet, but it may be the next time it will be.

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Image Provided by: quotesgram.com

The years preceding today, for the brothers, it was not always easy to embrace compassion, love and expression.

They are changing – what a nice birthday present for us all.

Happy Birthday Brothers.

The Truck on The Pole

dreamstop.com has the following –

Truck – A truck is a dream symbol of transportation, which almost always represents the journey toward your aims, goals, and aspirations. A truck is a fairly optimistic symbol, as it encompasses overtones such as stability and toughness, as well as the ability to drive over obstacles or haul them out of the way, and four-wheel drive to keep you going even if the driving surface is slick or slippery.

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Image provided by: http://www.firstcovers.com

About a month ago, I had a dream.  I woke and promptly voice recorded my dream.  Here are those words –

My truck is somehow balanced on a very tall pole.  The pole maybe 40-50 feet high and is near buildings in a courtyard type setting.  There are many people walking around and most do not see the truck.  I get a very tall ladder and climb to the truck thinking I can just drive the truck off the pole.  I realize I am unable to do this and get out of the truck and lock the door not realizing I left the truck running.  It is not until much later I realize I have another set of keys in my pocket.  While the truck is running, I search for someone that will help me.  There are many people around, but I feel not just anyone can help so I select a few to ask.  The people I ask are security guards, policemen, people with an authority or respect.  Some are willing to help and others will not.  Finally, someone offers to help and during the time it is talked about how to get the truck off the tall pole; the other people around start realizing what is taking place.  A crowd gathers and finally the determination is that the only way to remove the truck from the pole is to use a very large building crane.  This is the ending to my dream, and I wake and wonder what this dream was about.

dreammoods.com has the following –

Pole 

To see a pole in your dream represents security and stability. The dream is a reminder that you always have something or someone you can lean on.

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Image provided by: http://www.firstcovers.com

I believe my dream represents my journey that is beginning to take place.  Not the travel adventure that is currently on hold, but my personal journey with cancer.  And though there will be many people to support me and be there for me, I will rely on one person that I respect who will be there every step of the way.  He is stronger than I, balanced and towering high like a building crane upwards above the tallest buildings.

I will be tough and move forward over the obstacles that will be in my way.  But, I know also I have someone I can lean on for security and stability.

When the surgery takes place, a crowd will gather of family and friends.  My new journey will begin and that someone that is Gary will be there for me as he always has been.

Security, Stability Optimism, Toughness – someone to lean on – that is the dream, that is my reality.

love is in the trying

A couple of weeks ago I published a post ‘School of Hard Knocks‘, for which I received many comments.  One of those comments was from Amanda Ricks and she wrote the following –

It is very hard at times to separate our own guilt over perceived past inadequacy as a parent and letting our kids have and work on their own stuff. i can relate. Just remember, “love is in the trying.” You always have tried your best and still are and that’s what counts.

I replied with the following –

Amanda, thank you for a very thought provoking comment – I mean that in a very good way. I never thought about it this way “love is in the trying”, this is a phrase I certainly will remember. Thank you for reading and commenting, always appreciated!

The babycenter.com website has an article titled ‘Sweet age-by-age ways to show your love to your child’ that begins with the following –

A $10,000 birthday party? Nah… Making children feel loved and special can be as simple as rolling around on the floor with them! Read on to find age-by-age suggestions.

The article’s suggestions to show you love your child only goes to age 8 years old.  Okay, that is fine, but what about after age 8 and beyond; in their 30s, you know adults!

Many of you know, I divorced when my sons were very young.  Son #3 was about 3 years old and the other two would be 5 years and 7 years old.  I was out of their lives fulltime at a very young age and since that time have tried to prove my love for them, to them in many different ways.  I have had internal struggles with myself and I have reinforced myself time after time that I did the best I could with the circumstances.  I feel at times my sons do not really care about me, they tell me they love me and I tell them I love them – I always have – since they were little babies.

I have tried to prove my love for them.  There was the showing of affection, the providing comfort, the gifts, the vacations and the financial assistance.  But as Amanda indicates in her comment, “love is in the trying”.

I think one day they may realize I tried to be a good dad and tried to prove my love to them.

You know I have cancer and have done plenty of research.  My hope someday before my time is up, whether it be near or far, I hear those words “Thanks dad”.

When I was younger my dad did not show affection, did not provide comfort, gave few gifts, few vacations and no financial assistance.  A couple of weeks ago I had a conversation with him and after we talked about my next surgery, he indicated he tried to be a good dad to me.  I responded you were and you are the best dad; you have taught me many good things.

I realize now, his love ‘was in the trying’.

A Breakup Letter

I wrote a post last year titled ‘A Love Letter‘, and here are those words –

I love you –

Because I am there every morning waiting for your lips to touch me and my sweetness becomes you.

I am there when you are lonely, when you are having fun, when you travel to new destinations, when you are learning, when you are watching TV, when you need a friend because you know –

I love you –

Because I am there for you till day’s end and time to close your eyes ready for dreams.

Our time spent together is sometimes troublesome and turbulent, but you come back to me because you know –

I love you –

Because I have been there for you year after year during the good and bad, the highs, the lows and I have never given up on you.

You can always depend on me during times of need because you know –

I love you –

Because past times our separations were brief, you always came back to me.

You came back to me because you know –

I love you –

Smoking

In today’s post I write the following –

Smoking and I are separated again – today marks 3 months since our split.  Do I miss smoking?  Yes, almost every day.  But I have not missed it enough to go back into a relationship with it.  As many of you know, I had a cancerous tumor removed from my bladder in February of this year.  One of the main causes of bladder cancer is smoking and it was strongly suggested to me I quit smoking.  So that I did.  None of you know this, but Gary smoked also – we were smoking buddies and both very much enjoyed our smoking.  But because of the cancer I received, Gary quit also – the same day as me.

So today we both celebrate 3 months smoke free.

I end this post with my breakup letter –

I love you –

I miss you and days I long for your presence in my life.

Thank you for sharing parts of my life with you.

Thank you for being near me during times of need.

I love you –

Now that you are gone, I miss you at times.

I love you –

But your toxic love created harm in me.

I will miss you, but will move on, because you know –

I love me –

Terry

 

 

He makes me want to be the best I can be.

He makes me want to be a better person.  He makes me want to be the best I can be.

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Image Provided by: spearfruit.com

Why is this?

There is an article on the thoughtcatalog.com website that lists signs your relationship is making you a better person and includes the following –

You find yourself making more and more tiny compromises—about which type of movie to watch, or what time to eat dinner—without feeling at all bitter.

Your main need might just be to meet their needs. And why not? You’ve spent enough years focused entirely on number one.

Overwhelmed by gratitude, you catch yourself saying “thank you” with more enthusiasm than necessary—to people who hold open doors, compliment you, or look friendly in general. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

You want to return the Universe’s favor, so you act kindly towards everyone, even not-so-nice strangers. It takes way more than an annoying street performer who gets in your face on the subway or a rude waiter to make you angry.

You’re drunk on Love Kool-Aid and you know it, but you’re not embarrassed. You’re desperate to share the joy running through your veins.

You’re more motivated than ever to exercise and eat healthy because you have more reason than ever to live longer.

Your general outlook is incredibly positive. Bad things definitely happen, but there’s so much good in the world, too. You know this because it led you to your lover.

Really?  That was not quite what I had in mind when writing this post.  For me my relationship is making me a better person because I want to be a better person for him.  He deserves a better person to be in his life to be his partner in life and to be his spouse, his support and his love.  This is why he makes me want to be the best I can be – to be a better person.  I know relationships are about 2 people and yes, I am a control freak at times and make it all about me.  I am working on this, because it is not always about me or should not always be about me.  I am working on this, because I want to be a better person for him.

He makes me want to be the best I can be.

Why is this?

Could it be love, devotion, dedication or commitment?  Well it may be a little of all – whatever the reason, it is good for me.  It is good for me because I want to be good for him.  I want to be the best for him, a better person; the best I can be.

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Image Provided by: spearfruit.com

He makes me want to be the best I can be and I am a better person because of him.

Mean Lately

I have been a mean person lately.  Gary is the recipient of my meanness.  I recently have displayed happiness, joy and positive here on my blog.  In reality, I have been a mean person lately.

In my post ‘The Evil Person Inside‘, I concluded with the following –

Is there really an evil person inside of me?  Maybe there is not an evil person inside; maybe I am just losing control.  Losing control of what?  Maybe I just have an anger issue or I am easy to lose my temper.z93gxke4hdevgvn8mhuf

Per the above excerpt, I am not an evil person and therefore there is something I can and should do to control my outbursts even when I do not know when they are going to occur.  For me I think there are triggers that cause the uncontrollable episodes of rage and angry.  I am trying to change my thinking so the triggers are no longer valid and therefore nothing occurs.  The changes include my mindfulness meditation, exercising, working on having more patience and I am really trying not to be a control freak.

In today’s post I write the following –

These episodes recently are occurring more frequency; maybe due to stress?  The placing of the current home on the market is occurring in less than a week and still there is a list of things to do.  And I thought we were going with ‘Plan A’ for our next chapter, but now we are thinking about ‘Plan B’.  There are still decisions to be made and time is running short; what if the current home sells quickly?  Currently we do not have a place to live immediately upon selling this house; and we still have some downsizing to do.

Yes, I have been feeling stress and I know as usual I place stress upon myself with my lists, schedules and time tables.  When the items on my lists are not marked off based on the schedule I allowed per my time table, I become stress – and stress leads to me being mean.  I have been a mean person lately.

Gary is the recipient of my meanness.  I recently have displayed happiness, joy and positive here on my blob.  Now do not get me wrong, I am happy about moving on from the current home to the next chapter.  I do feel joy about the move and change that will take place in the near future.  And I am positive the next chapter will bring me from a place where living life is unimaginative to a place where life is creative, original, new and fresh again.

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Image Provided by: quotesgram.com

I have been a mean person lately.  Gary is the recipient of my meanness.  He puts up with me, does not necessarily understand me at times, he is strong, sincere and patient.

I need to be more conscience of me, my behaviors, my reactions and my thoughts.  Difficult it is at times for me; the person who is impulsive, and creates outbursts of anger and control.

Yes, I have been a mean person lately.