I almost forgot

Earlier this year in April in my post ‘Anniversaries’, I wrote the following –

Gary and I usually do not celebrate the day we met and usually do not celebrate our birthdays – maybe we need to start.

Gary and I have not reached our 1st year wedding anniversary – but I think we should celebrate it.

After many years of being together, we exist and our relationship continues.  It may be that initial spark has dimmed, and our routines are played out each, and every day and we know the other so well we have become content and relaxed and comfortable.  This is good, but that spark that was lit upon meeting 13 years ago; should be revisited and celebrated – maybe we need to start – today!

In today’s post, I write the following –

Gary and I were married 1 year ago today; today is our 1 year wedding anniversary – I almost forgot.

Our lives together for more than a decade now has us living our lives comfortable with each other and being a little complacent.

When I started my blog; it was to be about my life without having opinions about politics, social events, religion and other topics that could cause conflict.  I do not desire conflict here on my blog – I do not need it – I do not want it.

Today I felt I needed to write about Gary, me and our marriage – it is after all our 1 year wedding anniversary.

Never in my mind would I have considered marriage again after my first marriage of decades ago.  And never in my mind would I have considered marriage to another man.

But it happened and accept it or not, it is a reality – my reality – Gary’s reality.

I love Gary very much, and at times I do not always display this – you know I can be a difficult person to live with.  I am moody, mean and complain about many things.  Gary puts up with me for reasons that are unknown to me, why does he do this?

Love, what’s love got to with it?  Everything; love is universal, love is blind, love is unlimited, love is forever, love is eternal.

That is my opinion about my marriage to another man – love, what’s love got to with it?

Everything.

I almost forgot.

Marriage to Us

In my post ‘But I am not an activist‘, I wrote the following –

That social change last year; was not important to me personally; our thinking was to continue our lives as we had the previous 12 years.  Why change, when the change was not needed in our relationship?

In today’s post, I write the following –

Marriage, Institution, Merger, Alliance, Match, Coupling, Pledging, Association, Union

About.com has an article ‘History of Marriage’ that begins with the following –

Most ancient societies needed a secure environment for the perpetuation of the species, a system of rules to handle the granting of property rights, and the protection of bloodlines. The institution of marriage handled these needs.

The article continues with discussing different varieties of marriage; marriage during different periods of history and concludes with the following –

Many people hold the view that regardless of how people enter into matrimony, marriage is a bond between two people that involves responsibility and legalities, as well as commitment and challenge. That concept of marriage hasn’t changed through the ages.

November of last year – it is several months since my week’s occurrence with my body.  I just found out my health insurance is cancelled related to nothing to do with me.  My health insurance is through the Healthcare Marketplace and there was a communication error between them and my health insurance company.  I now will need to wait until the first of the year because this issue will not be corrected by December 31.  I also find out my insurance premiums will be increasing substantially the next year.  With the already high deductible plan, the cost to me will be significant if I do have a serious illness taking place within my body.

So the partner at the time performs some research and what he thought was not possible is actually possible.  I am sitting outside and he approaches me and says “We should get married; I can have you on my insurance.”  “Really?”, I responded.  And that was the proposal.

In my post ‘But I am not an activist‘, I concluded with the following –

Then came a time, an event, an occurrence where this social change would benefit us.  But I am not an activist – I live my life trying to be the best person I can be and to be an example for others.

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Image Provided by: Spearfruit.com

In today’s post, I conclude with the following –

That day with that proposal, we decided to become married.  He did not have to marry me and I did not ask him to, but he did.  As a result my health care is considerably less in cost than what it could have been.

We became married due to the benefits of marriage.  Marriage is a piece of paper that brings benefits for those that have entered this agreement.  But ultimately it was the responsibility and commitment of our love and desire to be together for always that brought marriage to us.

 

But I am not an activist

Activist

vocabulary.com has the following definition –

An activist is a person who campaigns for some kind of social change. When you participate in a march protesting the closing of a neighborhood library, you’re an activist.

Someone who’s actively involved in a protest or a political or social cause can be called an activist. Demonstrations, strikes, and sit-ins are all ways that an activist might work toward the change she believes in. The root word of activist is the Latin actus, “a doing, a driving force, or an impulse.” Someone who acts on what she believes is an activist.

I am not an activist, I think people are born to be an activist – and I was not one of them.  Or maybe there is an activist in all of us and we just need some persuasion to bring the activist out.  Whatever the reason to be or become an activist: I think we all can have a cause for something in each of our lives.  What is mine?

I live my life trying to be the best person I can be.  I make mistakes, but I continue on trying to live a good life.  I have given money to good causes, I have donated my time to help others and I have tried to be there for people when they needed me.  This is the activist in me.

I live my life trying to be an example for others.  I have not always told the truth, as sometimes the truth serves no good purpose.  I have been honest many times in my life to other people and I have always been honest with myself as this serves a good purpose to understand myself and to better myself.  This is the activist in me.

I have never participated in a social or economic movement that would consider me an activist.  That is just not me, I am not an activist for social change – I am not an activist for economic change.  I think others are born to be an activist for social and economic change.

A major social change last year was a result of years of activists for the right of all US citizens to be happy in marriage to the person they love.  I was not an activist for this social change.  It wasn’t that I did not support it, but honestly for me it was not as important as it was to others – the activists.  I accept law and I respect other’s opinions, believes and objectives.  I may not always agree, but I do respect others – this is the activist in me.

That social change last year; was not important to me personally; our thinking was to continue our lives as we had the previous 12 years.  Why change, when the change was not needed in our relationship?

Then came a time, an event, an occurrence where this social change would benefit us.  But I am not an activist – I live my life trying to be the best person I can be and to be an example for others.

Thoughts From Years Past.12

Another documented ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ that reflects what was going on in my life at a particular time.  My post ‘I want to write a book’ describes my desire to write a book and several times in the past started this process, without proceeding very far. In my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.11’, I ended with ‘We all survived and years later I came to know a man of great character and goodness.’

The following documentation is a continuation of those pages.

Thoughts I wrote from September, 2004 – (unedited from original writing)

The marriage created more stress and struggles.  My senior year of high school was tough as I worked two to three jobs in order for us to survive.  I thought the marriage was needed in order to change my life for me to continue on somehow.  I wanted to have a reason to live and not just exist.  I wanted a reason to live a life that had meaning and not one of insecurity and worthlessness.  But the meaning was not there, the purpose was not there.  I did graduate high school, just barely though.

Thursday, September 23, 2004, 8:00 AM and it is another day in the office.  What will today bring?  I imagine joy and happiness, peace and patience, love, grace and contentment.  As I write this story of my life, it reminds me where I have been and where I am current day.  I appreciate my life; all the trials and tribulations, all the triumphs and successes.  There have been many of both that I will continue to share in these writings.  I believe this journey called life is like a school which I am taught lessons that will aid me in becoming a better person.  I truly believe this for everyone.  I believe we all are at different levels or stages and throughout our lives our experiences are the lessons from which we learn.  Events are thrown in there to test us on what we have learned.  I have failed many tests, but with experience and practice have successfully passed tests.

One of these tests is my relationship with my 3 boys.  Yes, I have boys, actually young men now.  I spoke with them this past week and have gained a sense of peace with myself knowing they are doing well.  Our relationship is special and fulfilling.  But it was not always like this.  These men were given life by their mom and me and have been taught all that we could teach them the best way we knew how.  I believe we did okay, they appear to be happy even with the struggles they have.  They are each on their own journey of life working on fulfilling their hopes and dreams.  I love my boys with all my heart and pray their lives are filled with happiness, joy and meaning.  I have a great respect for them that I guess most dads have for their kids.  They bring a sense of peace and focus in my life that at one time was hectic and confusing.

….to be continued….

(more about my marriage in this post: My Marriage)

(more about my sons in this post: My 3 Sons)

Thoughts From Years Past.11

Another documented ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ that reflects what was going on in my life at a particular time.  My post ‘I want to write a book’ describes my desire to write a book and several times in the past started this process, without proceeding very far. In my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.10’, I ended with ‘My dream changed due to life throwing an unexpected curve along the way.’

The following documentation is a continuation of those pages.

Thoughts I wrote from September, 2004 – (edited from original writing to not disclose specific location)

So why did we get married at the age of 18 and with me having my senior year of high school left?  I know we got married ultimately for the right reasons but at that moment in time for the wrong reasons.  I know my life would have been very different if we had not gotten married that summer.  Another road would have been traveled if it were not for a hot spring evening in late May or early June.  We were miniature golfing and having a good time.  I told her I was bored with life and needed a change.  I had given myself and her three options for making this change.  Option one: rob a bank, option two: kill myself, or option three: get married.  Well I guess she did not want the first two options to take place so we decided to get married.  Within a couple of weeks we got our blood tests, the marriage license and on June 16, 1978 we heading over to the nearest town to the Justice of the Peace who married us.  We both cried out of joy and fear.  She had told her mom prior to that day and I told my mom right before I left the house.  Those are the only people that knew what was taking place that day.  I remember my mom crying and not understanding why I wanted this.  How would I be able to continue school and survive?  I could not really answer her questions, so I left and did what I felt I needed to do.  After eloping it was time to face the new father-in-law.  This was going to be tough; he was a religious man that would not understand our reasons.  He was a man I really did not know well and in some way was intimated by.  The meeting was tough, and I had to explain why we did it, telling him “I love your daughter.”  We all survived and years later I came to know a man of great character and goodness.

….to be continued….

(more about my marriage in this post: My Marriage)

Thoughts From Years Past.10

Another documented ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ that reflects what was going on in my life at a particular time. My post ‘I want to write a book‘ describes my desire to write a book and several times in the past started this process, without proceeding very far. In my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.9’, I ended with ‘My dream changed due to life throwing an unexpected curve along the way.’

The following documentation is a continuation of those pages.

Thoughts I wrote from September, 2004 – (edited from original writing to not disclose specific location)

That curve along the way was meeting my future wife. We met at band camp the summer before my sophomore year. She was a junior and at the time I was dating another girl. I did not pay much attention to her but she told me sometime later when she first saw me she commented to a friend that we would be married someday. We hit it off and started dating sometime that school year. All of our friends knew we were serious about each other. After dating for more than a year, the month before the summer of my senior year, my band director told us we better not get married that summer. I was the drum major and I guess he felt getting married would in some way affect my abilities to perform my duties. I am not sure why he provided this comment. I do not recall if we mentioned this possibility or it was spoken to anyone, especially him. Well anyway you guessed it, we got married that summer. It was difficult day to go to the band director’s house to give him the news. I remember him opening the door and the first words out of his mouth. “You got married!” I guess the look on our faces gave it away. I was afraid of losing my drum major position in the band, as it was important to me. My fears were soon eased as the band director allowed me to keep this position even though he was not happy about the situation.

….to be continued….

(more about my high school band years in this post: My High School Band Director)

(more about my marriage in this post: My Marriage)

But sometimes things don’t work out right

Most times when exercising I listen to 70s music, see my post ‘Music of the 1970s’. Occasionally I listen to the music of the 1980s; the music of this decade brings sad and at times upsetting memories for me. I recently listen to music of this decade and heard the song ‘Anything for You’ by Gloria Estefan. The song brought back a faint memory that included separation. The song was released in 1987 and I think back to that time; I was most likely separated from my wife and I think this song describes my feeling and emotions during this difficult time. Read the last verse and chorus –

And I’d do anything for you

I’ll give you up

If that’s what I should do

To make you happy

I can pretend each time I see you

That I don’t care and I don’t need you

And though inside I feel like dying

You know you’ll never see me crying

Don’t you ever think that I don’t love you

That for one minute I forgot you

But sometimes things don’t work out right

And you just have to say goodbye

Don’t want to say goodbye

I was dealing with my separation and the consequences and effects of me and my depression and state of mind. (blog: The Great Depression of the 1980s) And at this time I started to understand the decisions my wife needed to make to protect her, our sons and myself. The separation was long and a reunion was short lived and the marriage eventually ended. This divorce of two people was nearly 25 years ago and I have no tears left pertaining to this event and I no longer feel like dying as a result of it. And occasionally I see the mother of my children and I can truly say I still love her in a different way and I have never forgotten her – But sometimes things don’t work out right.

Always Something There to Remind Me

Like Father Like Son: Elopement

My son #2 is getting married today; he and my future daughter in law will elope today. His mom and I eloped (post: My Marriage) when we were young about 37 years ago. There are some differences in my elopement and my son’s elopement. When his mom and I eloped, my future wife’s mom and my mom were told a short time prior to the event, while my son informed me and his mom over a week ago. I eloped when I was 18 and my son #2 is 31, he has had time to live a little and being in the army (post: Memorial Day), he has had a stable career and is much more responsible than I was when getting married.

I have not had the opportunity to meet my future daughter in law but have seen pictures on Facebook; I sent her a friend request and she accepted. They have been dating awhile long distance and I have complete confidence in my son’s decisions. When my son #2 told me of his intensions I replied with ‘follow your heart’. I am extremely proud of my son #2 and he has a good head on his shoulders.

I look forward to meeting my new daughter in law and welcoming her into our family. Coincidentally I will most likely meet her at the wedding of my son #3 in the coming months. Though I have not met her yet, I know she will be a great addition to our family and will bring my son joy, happiness and a good life.

Congratulations to both of them!

My Marriage

I was married at age 18 the summer before my senior year of high school. I was the only student in high school that was married and this situation made it a difficult senior year. I married my high school sweetheart because she agreed to marry me after I said I needed something different in my life. Nothing romantic about the moment; I remember her and me playing miniature golf and I said I wanted to get married. That was it, not really a proposal and there was no ring; I just needed something different in my life. She was a year older and already graduated high school and in that summer we became married. No wedding and only a few people would know ahead of time, you see we eloped to the next town and just did it.

I can truly say that I loved her at that time and in a different way today still do; after all she is the mother of my children and played an important role in raising them. Besides love, I believe an important reason for me wanting to get married had to do with my parent’s divorce when I was 16. Their divorce was upsetting for me and I was unable to understand after over 2 decades of marriage why they would part ways. These 2 people my parents, I always assumed would be married forever. Soon after, I understood the circumstances and as an adult I obviously know situations change as people change.

For my marriage, I envisioned the house and the white picketed fence with children playing in the green manicured yard. I wanted this and assumed it would be the situation that would be right for me. We would be happy, living a good life; raising our kids and watching them grow. We bought a house with no white picketed fence and the yard was green with grass and some weeds. 4 years after we were married, a son was born, followed by a 2nd son 2 years later, and a 3rd son 2 years later. Now we had a house full!

We were happy for years and we had our struggles, we had our good times and we were creating memories. With 3 kids and a job working many hours with little pay was stressful. With the stress of all these responsibilities, my ADD and OCD symptoms started to manifest and became stronger to the point it was causing issues within the marriage and within me. I remember always straightening pictures in the house and as soon as one of the boys finished consuming their soda, I would have to take the cup and wash it immediately. For the most part, the house was spotless as I was a neat freak and went out of my way to keep things tidy. With 3 boys running around, keeping the house tidy was never ending and I had to give in to having toys everywhere in the house instead of where I thought they should be; which drove me crazy at that time.

The marriage went through a separation period, a getting back together period and ultimately a divorce. The house without the white picketed fence was foreclosed, the yard was no longer green and now there were many weeds. I was once again upset over a divorce of a marriage of 2 people my wife and me that I assumed would be married forever.