figures in the distance

Fears and Fogs & Alone Suffocating, grasping and seeing figures in the distance.

Then there is the choking waking me in the middle of the night to remind me it is time.

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These are ramblings of a dying man, a man whose body and brain are tired.

And what about the vision, another sign?

A sign for what?

To remind me it is time?

There is that apple sauce going nowhere really no longer to serve a purpose.  Well the purpose has changed some and reminds me of the signs.

Remind me not to eat too many ice chips or drink too much water, because of time could come later.

To remind me it is time?

Fears and Fogs & Alone Suffocating, clasping and seeing figures in the distance.

Death

Gary’s Text

Monday’s post was titled ‘Hospice & Home‘, and today’s post I could easily name Hospice House.  I do not need to be confused any more than I already am.

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Because hospice focus is quality of life while I am still here and since Monday my body took a different direction than expected, I am in the hospital – a hospice hospital – or in my case, a Hospice House.

I started having issues breathing due to fluid on my lungs and my pain had increased as well.  Recent pain medication had changed and an increased in level took place.  It is believed my body is not eliminating fluids qs quickly and this fluid is building in my lungs as well as other places.  I currently am off my nutritional fluid IV while this fluid reduces in my lungs and my breathing become easier again.  I entered Hospice House on Tuesday and unsure how long I will be here.  This place does not seem like a hospital, but instead a quiet place to receive peace and treatment.

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I stole these words from a text Gary sent a couple of days ago – (with some editing)

We thought it best for him to receive some medical care for the recent build up of fluids in his lungs causing him breathing issues and to try to figure out how best to get some nutrients into him that won’t cause so much issues with the fluid buildup. The place is very pleasant and cheery and the staff are very attentive and compassionate.

Cancer will take my life

In my post ‘I will see her again‘, I concluded with the following –

These family members know my life may be short.  The once small cancer that was found almost 2 years ago, is now taking over my body.  The treatments may help slow down the progression, but ultimately my cancer will take my life.

In today’s post, I begin with the following –

In last Friday’s post ‘…out of my nose soon‘, I wrote about a small surgery to take place to insert a ‘G Tube’, from my stomach to the outside of my body.  This ‘G Tube’ will provide me a way to release the pressure from my stomach and small intestines without a tube going through my nose.  This ‘G Tube’ should bring me some relieve, however it brings on a whole another set of challenges.  With this tube, I will no longer eat through my mouth; but instead through an IV.

The surgery last Thursday was a success and after several more days of observation it was time to leave the hospital.

I spent my last 13 days in the hospital and arrived home again yesterday to the RV.  I am very glad to be out of the hospital and to be feeling better today.

Did you notice the pictures associated with last Friday’s post?  JImage2ust viewing some of the pictures, some of you know, a few may not have figured it out, and it may be others are not ready to accept or acknowledge.

I did not need to write the words, the associated pictures displayed the words in plain for all to see.

I left the hospital yesterday and now am back home in my RV to start my Hospice care.

Cancer will take my life.  I have always referred to this cancer in my body as my cancer as it does not belong to anyone else.  My cancer will take my life.  Those pictures associated to last Friday’s post revealed just how much my cancer has taken over and my fight is coming to an end.  My body and mind are worn and it is time to prepare for what is ultimately to take place.

20170416_194313 (2)The family visits of past weeks are over and my body is tired and mind is ready.

Hospice will begin this week and changes will take place in many areas for both Gary and me.  If you read my post yesterday, starting this week; the amount of posts will be reduced.

As always, I appreciate every one of you for stopping by each day to read and comment.  You my friends; your support and encouragement all have a huge positive impact on me.

But, now it is time – time for my cancer to take my life.

Who Needs Vitameatavegamin?

Well, maybe Lucy did those many years ago – but not me.

No, I just need testosterone.  With my most recent issue with the blockage between my small and large intestines, I was not eating.  I was therefore receiving no nutrients into my body to maintain a good health in many ways.  This is where Vitameatavegamin comes into play – my secret to a healthy lifestyle.  Seriously, I am making light of a serious situation.

No Vitameatavegamin for me, but I am taking testosterone.  My testosterone levels were lower than the average woman.  Do I see a difference?  No, and I most likely will not for a while, it takes a while to build the testosterone levels back up.

So, testosterone for me and some other important nutrients to build back levels that were lost during my weeks of non-eating.

Who Needs Vitameatavegamin?

Comments are disabled today.

..out of my nose soon

This past Monday, in my post ‘Blockage‘, I wrote the following –

What caused this fluid buildup?

After a scan had taken place, it was determined I have a blockage between my small and larger intestines.  It is believed the blockage is caused by my cancer.  It is certain it will have to be dealt with before going back home.

7 days later and I continue to be in the hospital and be treated well enough I hope to go home soon.

But what about fixing the blockage?

I should know more today concerning what is next with this blockage issue.  I should be able to let you know later this week with better, up-to-date information.

In today’s post, I write the following –

11 days later and I continue to be in the hospital.

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But what about fixing the blockage?

After days of relieving pressure in my abdominal region and hoping the blockage would auto-correct itself, it has not.  For the past 11 days, I have had a tube inserted in my nose and down to my stomach in hopes the bloating and fluid would be decreased.  The issue continues and now more aggressive measures must be taken to resolve the blockage or at least make it manageable.

Yesterday, I had a small surgery to insert a ‘G Tube’, from my stomach to the outside of my body.  This ‘G Tube’ will provide me a means to release the pressure from my stomach and small intestines without a tube going through my nose.  This ‘G Tube’ should bring me some relieve, however it brings on a whole another set of challenges.  With this tube, I will no longer eat through my mouth; but instead through IV.

My medications will now be taken differently because I must allow the absorbing to take place in my stomach without being sucked out by this new ‘G Tube’.   A great deal of changes will take place in the next days and weeks to grow accustomed to this new way of life – my new way of life.

Gary and I have much to learn with this new way of life and I am confident we will make it through this learning period.

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My hopes are, this will be successful and the changes needed to my body will go well.

My hopes are, I will have this tube removed from out of my nose soon.

My hopes are, I will leave the hospital soon.

Blockage

A week ago, in my post ‘Daily Struggles‘, I concluded with the following –

I wake each morning knowing what the new day will bring and go to sleep each night knowing the struggles I face.

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I continue the current treatment in hopes there is some good to come out of what is very bad right now.

Honestly, I feel my days are numbered and with each passing day my death will arrive much sooner than much later.

In today’s post, I write the following –

Last Tuesday I entered the hospital and today I remain.  Most likely several more days this week I remain here with hopes of feeling much better when I leave.  So, why did Dr. C. decide I needed to be in the hospital?  And what is taking so long to keep me here before I can leave?

A couple of weeks ago when my lymphedema was increasing with fluid in my legs and trying to push up and out of my body, my abdominal region began to increase and bloat.  This was about the weekend my mom, sister and brother were here visiting.  Image3At that time, it was assumed the bloating was a result of the lymphedema fluid being pushed into this area and not properly exiting my body.  The bloating never really reduced and instead became worse over the weeks with finally causing issues the weekend immediately prior to entering the hospital.

Over the past weeks of experiencing the abdominal bloating, my appetite decreased as did my activity level; with the pain level increasing.  This was the main reason for my appointment with Dr. C.; the abdominal bloating and the review of my pain management.

Let’s go back to Saturday a week ago and I was feeling horrible that evening and I was losing at the tiredness war and losing at the trying to eat conflict.  Gary indicated I needed something in me and suggested I try drinking Gatorade to replenish my electrolytes and other nutrients I had been losing for the previous weeks.

One small sip and I was then hit with nausea.  The nausea was then following by large amounts of vomiting that proceeded off and on for the next 3 days.  I entered the hospital on Tuesday at which time a tube was inserted through my nose to start reducing the fluid that had built up the previous weeks.  I thought this would never end and was amazed how much fluid was in my stomach, small and large intestines.

What caused this fluid buildup?

After a scan had taken place, it was determined I have a blockage between my small and larger intestines.  20170416_194313 (2)It is believed the blockage is caused by my cancer.  It is certain it will have to be dealt with before going back home.

7 days later and I continue to be in the hospital and be treated well enough I hope to go home soon.

But what about fixing the blockage?

I should know more today concerning what is next with this blockage issue.  I should be able to let you know later this week with better, up-to-date information.

But for now, I appreciate you allowing me this past weekend to rest and take some time to catch-up on me.

Nothing to Hide

My friends the last couple of days I have had unexpected change in plans.

After my appointment this past Tuesday with Dr. C., he decided to admit me into the hospital.

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Since then, much has taken place and these next several days I have more family coming to visit.

At this time, I am unsure how many days I will be in the hospital.

I still plan to post each day as I deal with my current change in plans.

I have nothing to hide from you.

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And after these past few days, I have nothing to hide from the dedicated people helping me in the hospital.

Many of these people have seen all of me recently, as I have – Nothing to Hide.

Daily Struggles

Last week was difficult.  Monday my mom, sister and brother left and once again my current life goes into the routine mode.  In last Friday’s post ‘…moving the fluid.‘, I wrote about the current troubles I am experiencing with regards to my lymphedema.

With only having 1 massage treatment, I do not see a difference, but I hope with continued treatments there will be some success in moving the fluid out of my body.  Image4Today I will have my 2nd massage treatment and should also receive my compression stockings which I will need to wear on a continual basis during waking hours for the unforeseen future.  I continue with my daily exercises for my lymphedema – these exercises also promote fluid movement.

The body pain I experience daily, is not becoming easier to deal with.  I will admit, each day is tough not only for me, but Gary as well.  Some days my inability to walk without significant pain is just too much for me – those are the days I question how much longer I can live this way.

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Tomorrow, I have an appointment with Dr. C. in the Supportive Care Medicine group.  Dr. C. manages my pain as well as ensuring my quality of life is the best it can be while I continue immunotherapy treatment and my battle with my cancer.  My quality of life at this time is not good and I need his help in making it better.

Most likely my pain medications will be increased again and my already lethargic days will increase in intensity.  I do a lot of resting, sleeping and very little activity now.  My energy level is basically zero resulting in very little physical activity.  I feel with each passing day, I am weathering away.  Now, I am unable to walk in an erect position due to tensed muscles in my upper leg/hip region.  With the lymphedema in my feet, legs and abdomen; my continued inactivity and lethargic, I have become stiff and basically my muscles are reducing in flexibility.  For me, just standing is a huge effort and walking at times wears me out and takes my breath away.

Lately, I am angry and upset my life has come to this.  My cancer has taken a once active happy person and turned him into a frail bitter person.

I am honest on my blog, I have always been truthful and honest and I will not lie to you now.

I am struggling daily and the inner strength is becoming dim.  Gary, the amazing man he is, is here for me in every capacity and supports me and my decisions.

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I wake each morning knowing what the new day will bring and go to sleep each night knowing the struggles I face.

I continue the current treatment in hopes there is some good to come out of what is very bad right now.

Honestly, I feel my days are numbered and with each passing day my death will arrive much sooner than much later.

Weekend Spent with Sister

You may remember in my post last week ‘Who is next?‘, I wrote the following –

This coming Friday, my twin sister and my mom will be visiting.

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Image Provided by: welcometosister.com

In today’s post, I write the following –

Because I will be spending time with my twin sister this weekend, I decided to take it easy here on WP.

I disabled comments for this post; I hope you don’t mind.

Thank you for stopping by today to read, and even though you are unable to leave a comment, you can still ‘Like’ my post.

Happy Weekend Everyone!