critical point

From my post ‘turning point‘, I concluded with the following –

Upon having my initial appointment with the Supportive Care Medicine, the main doctor, Dr. C., immediately wanted to place me in the hospital due to the extreme pain level and the lack of quality of life.


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So, after waiting several hours just to be admitted that were becoming unbearable for me, finally a bed became available and the start of my 7 days would begin.

This is a turning point that Gary and I were looking for that would change the course of my treatment.

More to come my friends in future posts to explain so much more.

In today’s post, I write the following – has this definition –

turning point


1. a point at which a decisive change takes place; critical point; crisis.

2. a point at which something changes direction, especially a high or low point on a graph.

3. Surveying. a point temporarily located and marked in order to establish the elevation or position of a surveying instrument at a new station.

Based on my admittance into the hospital, changes to my pain medications, tests and results – there are 2 turning points.  This is turning point 1 –

In the past several months I have written about the extreme amount and level of pain I have experienced.


Upon admittance into the hospital, the Supportive Care Medicine team of doctors wanted to change my pain medications and run scans to determine the sources of the difference pains I feel daily.

First, a CT Scan with contrast was performed with Dr. C. specifying thoracic, abdominal and pelvic areas.  As part of this CT Scan, he requested the right groin area be included.  My right groin for the past several weeks has been causing me severe pain.  This severe pain ultimately has resulted in my inability to lay on my back and have my right leg lay flat as well.  I must have the leg bent at the knee to lay flat on my back.  The CT Scan required me lay on my back as flat as possible; the pain I experienced during this time brought tears to my eyes and thank goodness, the process was completed quickly.

Second, Dr. C. ordered a full body MRI specifically on the spine.  He wanted to determine if anything out of the ordinary regarding nerves was obvious.  The MRI process takes more time and again required me to lay on my back and have my right leg lay flat as well.  The doctors and I knew this was not going to occur without some other means.  That other means was placing me under anesthesia so that my body would be totally relaxed.  The MRI was conducted without incident and I was soon back to my room.

20170416_194313 (2)Over the course of the next 6 days adjustments to my pain medications were made.  Some additional slight changes were made last week and the results are my pain is under better control.

Please do not misunderstand me, I still have pain every moment of every day, but I no longer have that 10+ pain.  As I continue to move forward, other adjustments may need to be made.

Turning point 2 to be published soon in another post.

A Grown Man

Today is son #1’s birthday and he is 35 years old today.  When any of my son’s birthday come around, I am always amazed.  I am amazed these once little boys are now grown men.


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Where did the time go?

For me I once recalled the thought of time slowly passing by and therefore the many years to live would take a while to come and go.  I remember having these thoughts in my teenage years while going through the routine of school, work, some play and passing of dull days.

That slowly passing time continued and life event changes came and went and there was a marriage and babies were created and a divorce took place, not to mention a serious depression, and suicide attempts.


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During those life event changes, those created babies who grew into little boys have now grown into men.

Where did the time go?

Son #1 is 35 years old today.

I loved you when you were created and as a little boy, and I continue to love you now as a grown man.


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My love for you has never changed and never will.

Happy Birthday Son #1,


(NOTE: I am still in the hospital having my pain managed.  My hopes are that I will be released tomorrow (Sunday))

Exposing Me – a video

I wrote in my post ‘to expose me‘, the following –

Now over 8 months later I have realized fellow bloggers are supportive of me and have welcomed me with open arms and appreciate my writings.  Because of this I decided to expose myself, my identity, to you my fellow bloggers.  But a course I am not doing it all in one post, I still have 3 months to write a post a day.

So I will write a series of posts to expose me – my identity to you and the blogger world.

In today’s post I write the following –

In my ‘to expose me’ series, I slowly identified myself to you.  There were the hands, the feet, the wrinkles, the hair, the body, the location, the voice, and my face.

Today let me put it all together into a video.  This video is the first of many future videos that will be part of my video blog series.

Throwing memories away

Several weeks ago, I went through boxes of belongings and started throwing memories away.  With the upcoming planned move, the downsizing is taking place and things are being rid of.

In my post ‘The ball is rolling’, I wrote the following –

As you know, several garage sales took place last year and additional ones are on the calendar for March.  With downsizing from a 3,800 sq. ft. home to a smaller one comes downsizing furniture and possessions.  We have several large furniture items that we are willing to sell and not take with us, including a baby grand piano, 2 large wall units, a couple of bedroom sets, dining table sets, sofas, refrigerators and washer & dryer.

Then there are indoor live plants, nick-knacks, pictures, older television sets, clothes – you get the idea.

In today’s post, I write the following –

The boxes of memories needed to be reduced in size.  There are those pictures of old relationships that are no longer needed and so they are thrown away.  There are those certifications and awards from past jobs, past organizations that are no longer needed and so they are thrown away.  All of these memories being thrown away are moments in time, but no longer relevant today.  It makes no sense to hang on to them, the past memoires; they no longer serve a purpose, no longer needed and they are taking up space.

From there is an article titled ‘Letting Go of Sentimental Items’ and includes the following excerpts –

I am not my stuff; we are more than our possessions.

Our memories are within us, not within our things.

Holding on to stuff imprisons us; letting go is freeing.

I don’t think sentimental items are bad, or evil, or that holding on to them is wrong; I think the danger of sentimental items (and sentimentality in general) is far more subtle. If you want to get rid of an item, but the only reason you are holding on to it is for sentimental reasons—and if it is weighing on you—then perhaps it’s time to get rid of it, perhaps it’s time to free yourself of the weight. That doesn’t mean you must get rid of everything, though.

Yes there are some sentimental items I am throwing away – memories of old relationships, memories of awards for dedication to my job and certifications received for my desire to learn and to grow.  But it is time to let go, to move on and these items will no longer be with me physically, but the memories will stay within me forever.

As the process continued, I went from 4 boxes to 1 box, throwing many items away that no longer serve a purpose to hang on to.

These moments in time – no longer relevant – no longer needed – no purpose to keep them – throwing memories away.

Hallmark thinks differently –

Benefits of Therapy

Many of you know I dealt with major depression as a young man in my 20s that led me to attempted suicides and a long road to recovery and discovery.

My attempted suicides occurred in or around 1987 and this is when the long road of therapy would begin.  I remember visiting several different psychiatrists & psychologists over the first couple of years.  2 years later, after my wife and I got back together after a separation I had the desire to move to a new location.  To start fresh in a new location, my wife, kids and I moved to where I currently live today.  This was in 1989 and upon moving I found a therapist I was comfortable with,  My journey to continue my self-helping and self-healing would continue for another 12 years.  There was the taking of medication to control my depression and anxiety: there was individual therapy and eventually group therapy.

It took me approximately 13 years to learn about me, to understand me and to understand my thinking and to understand my behaviors.  These years of therapy gave me the strength to overcome a major depression that once was going to cause my death.  These years of therapy raised my self-esteem and to have a better self-awareness and a better understanding.  These years of therapy helped to better my relationships with family and friends.  These years of therapy led me to no longer needing medications to control my behavior and control my mind.

I learned to accept compliments from others without minimizing them.  I learned to be self-confident and to be giving to myself.  I learned and I grew and I became a better person, not a perfect person, but I was a better person.

In 2001 that long road of therapy would end with the not needing medication any longer, I was feeling great and decided to end my individual and group therapy.  The day had come that I had worked for so very long, so many years, so many medications, so many therapy sessions, it was all coming to an end.

As I said goodbye to my therapist and my friends I met in group therapy, it was tough.  I may never see these people again; I shared my personal life with these people for many years, these friends who in return helped me to overcome difficulties and to love myself.

People come and go in our lives, some for a brief time and others for a longer stay – saying goodbye to these people is just part of the journey in life.

These people I said goodbye to many years ago, but the memories I have of them are still with me today.

The therapy I said goodbye to many years ago, but the benefits I gained from it will last a lifetime.

The ball is rolling

In my post ‘Home Again – maybe for one last time’, I wrote the following –

We are truly excited and now the ball will start rolling forward with this decision.  As you know the past several months garage sales have taken place; this is only the start of many more items to rid of.  Also, in the coming months many more activities will take place in order to move in 2016.  I will keep you posted on these events and activities as they take place.

In today’s post, I write the following –

                            The ball is rolling with many activities taking place.


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As you know, several garage sales took place last year and additional ones are on the calendar for March.  With downsizing from a 3,800 sq. ft. home to a smaller one comes downsizing furniture and possessions.  We have several large furniture items that we are willing to sell and not take with us, including a baby grand piano, 2 large wall units, a couple of bedroom sets, dining table sets, sofas, refrigerators and washer & dryer.

Then there are indoor live plants, nick-knacks, pictures, older television sets, clothes, – you get the idea.

The furniture and possessions are ready to sell.  I have placed many items via the smartphone on the apps ‘OfferUp’, ‘5Miles’ & ‘Letgo’.  The realtor contact is made and a target date is selected for placing the current home on the market this spring.  The next trip to our selected new location is planned to search for resale homes and communities to possibly build a new home.  Moving and storage companies have been contacted for evaluation of future needs.

Other activities include removing small items from the current home and packing those away for the future move.  Some small fixes need to take place in the current home and then the warmer temperatures will bring the coming of spring and the garden will need to be prepared for this.

As these activities are taking place, I know these next few months will fly by and the time will arrive to move on.  The expectations are the current home will be sold quickly by all intentions of the housing market in the area we live.  Our expectations for the next home are; if it is a resale we hope to move in fairly quickly after the current home is sold.  If it is a new home to be built, we will need to live transiently for several months, possibly up to a year.

The ball is rolling and the undertaking of downsizing and preparing to move to a new home in a different state is taking place.  With many more things to do in the coming months, there is an excitement growing within me about the future and what is waiting for me and my partner.

Soon, I will have a post about the new location, the new home and the new chapter that is waiting in the near future.

Stay tuned my friends!


Son #3 Birthday Wishes

My son #3 was born 29 years ago today.  You can read more about recent events with him in these posts ‘He Started It!’ and ‘Son #3 Now Married’.

With son #3 being my youngest son, it is interesting how I feel as a parent when these boys hit birthday milestones.  I can remember when each entered the teenage years and then their 20s and the first 2 sons entering their 30s.  Son #3 will hit the big 30 a year from today.  Wonder how I will I feel when I finally have all 3 sons in their 30s?

There is a sense of feeling old, numbers only, not mentally or physically.  I can remember back when I was a teenager and thinking my parents were old.  Obviously they were only in their late 30s at that time, but I remember thinking to myself, it would take a long time for me to get to my 30s.  My, does time fly, 30s came and went and now 50s are here and the sons are or soon will be in their 30s.  Wow!

My son #3 was born 29 years ago today.  He is recently married, manages a fast food restaurant and fosters dogs.  He owns a home, is wonderful with children and an all-around good person.  With the recent marriage and age 30 around the corner, I have seen a change in him – he is growing as a person; becoming compassionate, sincere and genuine.  This sounds odd and if you know me by reading my posts, this will make sense – I am thankful he is not me when I was 29, approaching 30.  He may have some struggles in life, and if he does he handles them with grace and this I am thankful for.

I am also thankful for him, my son #3 for he makes me proud.  I want to think that I had something to do with the person he is; he has something of me in him.

I am extremely honored to be his dad and of what he has accomplished; his marriage, his life and who he is.

Birthday wishes to my son #3.