Damn You Pictures

In my post ‘Spending time away‘, I wrote the following –

While I am on one of the biggest ships, sailing the Atlantic Ocean visiting several Caribbean islands; my plan involves some days publishing a brand-new post and other days re-publishing an older post.  I wrote posts early in my blog that received little exposer and I consider them among others as interesting posts. I know I can reblog these posts, but decided instead to create a new post for each and give a different name to them.

I appreciate everyone taking the time to stop by, read and leave many wonderful comments.  My time away sailing and enjoying other activities will result in time offline and will prevent me from responding to the many wonderful comments I receive.  Therefore, I will be disabling the comments on many of my upcoming posts while spending time away.  There will be times I will have some time online and you will see me a little here and there on WP.  But, most of my time will be offline having fun, relaxing and enjoying the sun.

In today’s post, I write the following –

These words were originally published in June, 2015 –

The last several days I have not physically felt well resulting in my body and mind becoming fatigued.  Yesterday morning my partner left the home to run some errands and I sat in a recliner in our upstairs main room to relax some.  At this point, I have had minimal sleep in the past couple of nights and very little to eat in the last couple of days.  My body is exhausted and my mind is tired, lethargic along with feeling a little dizziness.

So while sitting in my recliner I stare at the pictures hanging on the opposite wall across from me.  These pictures display my partner and me not so many years ago at a younger and more youthful age; also are pictures of my sons and then there is the picture of my grandson and me.  As I continue to look at the pictures I think to myself about the relationship I would like to have with my sons.  I reflect upon the feelings I have concerning my failure as a father and most likely the failure as a grandfather.  And as the thoughts swirl through my mind concerning my partner dealing with my moods and my behaviors and that he still loves me and accepts me; I then start crying profusely.  I start crying profusely not because of these thoughts; not because of the people in my life and not because of the labels of failure I place on myself, but because the pictures on the wall are not hanging straight.  They are not hanging straight on the wall and this troubles me, damn it!

The anxiety and frustration of these pictures not hanging straight on the wall take me back to another time and another place.  I am taken back to my 20s with the same thoughts and reactions; my wife and I are having issues related to me needing to straighten the pictures.  As soon as I noticed a picture on the wall that was not hanging straight I would immediately have to correct it, it would drive me crazy if I did not.  And still today I sit here crying because the pictures on the wall are not hanging straight.  Forget my feelings of those important people in the pictures; what matters the most at this moment is the damn pictures are not hanging straight.

The end result is different today than in my 20s; even though I still struggle with the pictures on the walls not hanging straight, this time I did not attempt to straighten them, instead I wrote about it and left them as is!

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I was different

In my post ‘Spending time away‘, I wrote the following –

While I am on one of the biggest ships, sailing the Atlantic Ocean visiting several Caribbean islands; my plan involves some days publishing a brand-new post and other days re-publishing an older post.  I wrote posts early in my blog that received little exposer and I consider them among others as interesting posts. I know I can reblog these posts, but decided instead to create a new post for each and give a different name to them.

I appreciate everyone taking the time to stop by, read and leave many wonderful comments.  My time away sailing and enjoying other activities will result in time offline and will prevent me from responding to the many wonderful comments I receive.  Therefore, I will be disabling the comments on many of my upcoming posts while spending time away.  There will be times I will have some time online and you will see me a little here and there on WP.  But, most of my time will be offline having fun, relaxing and enjoying the sun.

In today’s post, I write the following –

These words were originally published in June, 2015 –

From a young child and growing into a young adult, I was insecure with a very low self-esteem that eventually led me to tragic events and an eventual long road to a better life.  I think it is difficult for people to understand how a young child can be insecure about himself.  My growing up years should be full of good times with friends and family; playing sports, enjoying school and just having fun.  But there I am around 7 years old and already having feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem.  Events in my short life are very visible to me and are affecting my self-image.

I have a twin sister and upon ending the 2nd grade, she went on to 3rd grade and I went back to 2nd grade.  For a child this young, I was devastated as I felt stupid and inferior to my twin sister.  I remember about the same time going to a special hospital to have tests run.  I think my parents wanted to find out if I had a learning disability.  I remember having a hearing test, a physical and some aptitude tests.  The one memory that stands out the most is that all around me were other children, many of them severely retarded.  Me as a young child seeing other children my age at the same hospital that are severely retarded, how am I supposed to feel?  I realized then at that very young and tender age I was different and something was wrong with me.

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Learning the Hard Way

From my post ‘2nd Grade & 2nd Grade‘, I wrote the following –

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Image Provided by: quotesgram.com

Per ‘The Free Dictionary’ website I am not retarded, per the ‘Dictionary.com’ website I am retarded.  I never considered myself retarded, only stupid.

I did receive some other interesting results from my Google search of the word ‘retarded’.  I found ‘Intellectual disability’ a below average intelligence and set of life skills present before age 18.  The information presented to me is the following:

About –

Intellectual function can be measured with an IQ test to detect below-average intelligence.

The main symptom is difficulty thinking and understanding. Life skills that can be impacted include certain conceptual, social, and practical skills.

Special education and behavioral therapy can help a person live to his or her fullest.

Symptoms –

The main symptom is difficulty thinking and understanding. Life skills that can be impacted include certain conceptual, social, and practical skills.

People may experience –

Behavioral: impulsivity or hyperactivity

Also common: difficulty thinking and understanding or restlessness

As a young child I thought maybe I was retarded or maybe my parents thought I was.  Growing up into my adult years I thought I was stupid, as a middle aged adult I thought I had ADD and OCD, but now I know I have an intellectual disability.

In today’s post, I write the following –

Obviously I diagnosed myself – I have never been diagnosed by a medical professional.

In my post ‘suicide – it sounds peaceful, it sounds calm’, I wrote the following –

Can I go get on some medication?  Yes, I could and that would probably help – but then I feel like I lose the fight.  I feel like that I am just existing and not becoming; becoming better; becoming stronger – but just existing and accepting.  To me that’s not, that’s not good enough.  I have to fight I have to struggle, I have to keep moving forward; I have to keep going with the flow and working on myself and becoming a better person.

In today’s post, I conclude with the following –

I have to learn the hard way – for me this is a good thing because I believe for me to grow and become a better person and to live a better life I need to struggle and learn the hard way.

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Image Provided by: quotesgram.com

If I do not, I just become lazy and accepting of myself as I am and I just do not believe that is what I am here for.  I believe I need to struggle to learn – this is how I become a better person.

I will end this post with this definition from Wikipedia.org –

Learning the hard way refers to the educational results developed in the process of living life, the perspective gained as a result of trial and error—more often used in reference to the mistakes, mis-steps and misunderstandings which lead to better judgment.