Silo

My category ‘Pictures & Stories’ are posts with me writing a fictional, creative short story about a picture.

Silo

Silo –

The town knew what is was, the facade could not hide the truth.  It took years to build, why would this small structure take years to build?  Unless there was something to hide.

And Twistee Treat, that had to be the project name; who in their right mind would name a business Twistee Treat?

Now years after the construction started, it was open – it was time to investigate.

I slowly with caution approached wondering why there weren’t more people here.  Was this a clue?

Now at the window, I pretended to be calm and then I realized the menu was full of assorted flavors of ice cream, cones and sprinkles.

It was like being in ice cream heaven; but no this was all fake.  The real reason was well below the floor hidden and ready to go at a moment’s notice.

It was a silo after all, right?

Why Not?

When I decided to start blogging, I had no idea what I was doing or where it would lead me.  I just started writing my early life memories, really in hopes my sons would read it someday.  I still have plans to give them this site where they can read about me and my life – but I am not quite ready yet.  So, the writing of blog posts began with those early life memories and few other subjects – and then cancer decided to be a part of my life.  This cancer has become my cancer; it belongs to me and no one else and does what it wants to my body.

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In my post ‘no answers’, I wrote about finally asking the questions.  You know; the ‘why’ questions.

“Why?”, “Why me?”, “What did I do to deserve this?”

I received many supportive, encouraging and beneficial comments.  I feel very grateful of the many wonderful friends I have here on WP, truly I do.

One of those friends Su, responded with the following comment –

As humans we have this overwhelming need to make sense of the world, but the awful reality I think, is that often there is no sense. No reason or logic, and sometimes absolutely no justice — or you would not be going through all this. I think in the end we need to look not for reasons but for useful beliefs — whatever gets us through. Sending love and hugs to you and Gary.

I responded with the following –

Yes, I totally understand where you are coming from. I am getting to that point now – not trying to find the reasons, but what are the useful beliefs and benefits. Thanks Su for an inspiring comment, you are a true friend.

Comments from other friends suggested I not ask “Why?”, but instead ask “Why Not?”

Wow, this got me thinking about, well – everything.

My mind has always believed everything happens for a reason – both good and bad.  Now, with my cancer and the extreme pain I am experiencing, my emotions are asking the “Why?” questions.

And your comments my friends bring me back to thinking about what my mind believes and not what my emotions are asking.

Everything happens for a reason – both good and bad.  So, Why not?

20170416_194313It may be there is something I can learn from this?  My cancer and my extreme pain is a tough lesson to learn something from.  They are both beating me down, draining my energy and trying to break my spirit.  It is difficult, but again I change my question to; Why not?

What am I learning from this horrible experience that is changing my views?  Why not use it to benefit me?

I find myself talking to ‘God’ or the ‘Higher Power’ or the ‘Supreme Being’ more.  I have not spoken or reached out to any of these in a very long time.

I am displaying to Gary more gratitude.  We have been together for over a decade and I took things for granted.  I no longer do this.  Gary, my caretaker is very important to me and I display more gratitude.  I say, ‘Thank you’ more and I let him know I appreciate him and would not be able to do this alone.  And more so than ever I say, ‘I love you’ and follow it with a kiss.

There is a ‘God’ or ‘Higher Power’ or ‘Supreme Being’; there is Gary and Su; there are all of you my friends, my supporters, my cheerleaders and my encouragers.

So, ‘Why not?’

no answers

Not yet 2 years; there is still the summer season that is waiting to be enjoyed.

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But this summer will be different and I am unsure if I will enjoy it.

After the summer, then it will be that day, the 2 years ago that it all changed.  The day my life changed and will never be the same again.

It was about 20 months ago that I noticed a light discoloration in my urine.  I told Gary, that something was wrong; he responded that it looked okay.  I know my body better than anyone else.  And for 20 months I still say that – I know my body better than anyone else.  Along the past 20 months, I have told Gary and my doctors things about my body and I have always been right.

Why am I telling you this?

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These past 20 months; almost 2 years, I never questioned the reason and I never asked the questions.  I always have felt everything happens for a reason; both good and bad.  ‘That’s Life’ as they say.  I still feel this way – but now with the intense pain I am experiencing, I finally asked the questions.

Currently my typical day is enduring pain and as the day progresses, so does the pain.  My evenings the pain is overwhelming to the point my eyes are filled with tears and I am at my breaking point.  This experience repeats each day and at this point is not getting better – but worse.

The other night, I finally asked the questions.  I was in the bedroom alone ready for bed and experiencing the usual unbearable pain.  I was crying profusely and I lifted my face upward and asked “Why?”, “Why me?”, “What did I do to deserve this?”

I received no answers and I went to bed with the usual pain, knowing what has become the normal routine will happen.  I will lay there in bed and try to find a comfortable position, knowing it is in vain.  Eventually after several hours I will get out of bed and make my way to the other room of the RV and find the recliner and a position that lessons the pain I am feeling.  Eventually a few hours of sleep are obtained and I wake to a new day to do it all over again.

The questions are still on my mind now every day.  “Why?”, “Why me?”, “What did I do to deserve this?”

Still, no answers and I continue to suffer.

20170416_194313 (2)I experience a great deal of pain each day and my cancer is spreading.

“Why?”

“Why me?”

“What did I do to deserve this?”

Still, no answers.

Another Early Rise

Another early rise, another day to live

The pain never left from the night before and continues to dominate

But, I again bring in another early rise, another day to live

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Will today be any different from yesterday or one of a repeat

Months of pains that have increased to a point of hatred

Nevertheless, I again bring in another early rise, another day to live

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There are the pills that have increased over the past weeks and months

There are patches, and creams and tolerance and adjustments

Yet, I again bring in another early rise, another day to live

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As the weeks have turned into months, the weak has turned into strength and acceptance

The upcoming weeks and months, I hope for change and less tears

So, I again bring in another early rise, another day to live

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What is it that wakes me, gets me up, moves me, takes me to a new day

Despair, Hope, Struggle, Journey, Brightness, Future, Unknown, Overcome, Strength, Desire

Once more, I again bring in another early rise, another day to live

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ESTRANGED

Over a year ago, in my post ‘The Good Me & The Bad Her‘, I wrote the following words –

Some of you know my feelings about me as a father to my sons.  Many years I felt like a failure because I was out of my son’s lives at a young age – they do not really know me.  This is one reason for starting this blog; I want to share me and who I am and my life in writing so my sons may someday know who I was and know who I am.

In today’s post, I write the following –

From Google –

es·tranged

iˈstrānjd/

adjective

adjective: estranged

(of a person) no longer close or affectionate to someone; alienated.

“Harriet felt more estranged from her daughter than ever”

(of a wife or husband) no longer living with their spouse.

past participle: estranged

“his estranged wife”

I just do not understand why?

In the past, I had asked myself, what did I do or not do to deserve the absence from my life; the no communication and the appearance of not caring?

I refuse to blame myself any longer.

I refuse to cry anymore tears.

But it does still bothers me, more so today, because my life has changed, my health has changed.

Life threatening or not, shouldn’t this bring us closer?

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I have not written about my relationship with my sons in quite a while.  I have written posts about their birthdays, but nothing specifically about our relationship today.

My sons have known about my cancer since I found out about it; I have hidden nothing from them.  You remember it was important for me to visit my family for Thanksgiving.  I did see my 3 sons at that time and I feel fortunate to have spent some time with them.  For many years I would not receive a call from my sons and it was always me calling them because I was interested in them and their lives.  Many years I did not receive a call on my birthday and even Father’s Day.  I blamed their lack of interest in me on myself; it was my fault.  I overcame this self-blame last year after writing posts about them and me and our relationship.  Today, I no longer blame myself.

One of my sons calls on a regular basis – thank you son.  The other two sons do not call me and in the past I would call them, but now no longer do I call.

These 2 sons I saw at Thanksgiving and they were aware of my surgery.  These 2 sons I have not heard from since my surgery.  These 2 sons I have not spoken with since Thanksgiving.

Are we estranged?

Again, I just do not understand why?

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In the past, I had asked myself, what did I do or not do to deserve the absence from my life; the no communication and the appearance of not caring?

Again, I refuse to blame myself any longer.

Again, I refuse to cry anymore tears.

But it does still bothers me, more so today, because my life has changed, my health has changed.

Unlucky Coincidence?

Today is the 20th month of my blog!  My anniversary post is something different than the usual posts I write.

Today is Friday the 13th – are you superstitious?

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Since I started my blog 20 months ago, there have been 2 previous Friday the 13ths with today making it 3.

These dates are –

Friday, November 13, 2015

Friday, May 13, 2016

Friday, January 13, 2017

Since I was born 56 years ago, there have been 97 previous Friday the 13ths with today making it 98.

I will not list all the dates here – you will just need to trust me on this.

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From nationalgeographic.com article Superstitious Numbers Around the World

Today is Friday the 13th—a day thought to be unlucky because of the idea that number 12 is “complete” (think apostles, months of the year, zodiac signs) and 13 is just … odd. That’s the explanation given by Joe Nickell, a senior research fellow and paranormal investigator for Skeptical Inquirer magazine.

But in other countries, different numbers are thought to be just as unlucky. In case 13 makes you nervous, here are five other numbers to avoid.

4: In China, the pronunciation of the word for the number four is similar to that of the Chinese word for death. Many buildings in China skip a fourth floor, just as U.S. builders sometimes omit floor 13.

9: Just as the number four has a bad-luck soundalike in Chinese, 9 is feared in Japan because it sounds similar to the Japanese word for torture or suffering.

17: Some Italians are superstitious about Friday the 17th because rearranging the Roman numeral XVII can create the word “VIXI”—translated from Latin to mean “my life is over.”

39: The number 39 gets a bad rap in Afghanistan. An NPR report explains: “Many Afghans say that the number 39 translates into morda-gow, which literally means ‘dead cow’ but is also a well-known slang term for a procurer of prostitutes—a pimp.” So when Afghans see a car with number 39 on the license plate, they head the other way.

Add the unlucky numbers 4 + 9 + 17 + 39 and you get 69.

Subtract my age 56 from 69 and you get 13.

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Image Provided by: End Times Prophecy Report

Coincidence?

No superstition here!

Today is the 20th month of my blog!  My anniversary post is something different than the usual posts I write.

Sunshine Blogger Award

I recently was nominated for 2 awards – move over Tom Hanks!

I am late on responding as my life is busy, so here is the first one –

Thank you to itsgoodtobecrazyometimes for nominating me for the Sunshine Blogger Award.

Please go visit her as her blog is filled with many interesting posts.

Sunshine Blogger Award

The rules:

1.Thank the person that nominated you.

2.Answer the 11 questions from your nominator.

3.Nominate 11 bloggers.

4.Give them 11 questions to answer.

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My questions asked to me:

1.What animal other than a horse would you ride?

I was thinking a camel, but that is too much like a horse, which I have ridden.  I am thinking maybe riding a sea turtle.

2.If you could have any animal as a pet what would you choose?

I would have to stay with a domestic animal; a dog or a bird.

3.What did you use to do as a child on school holidays?

Umm, I guess play outside when I was really young and then a little older most likely I worked at my dad’s business.

4.Live forever as poor or live a year as rich?

Easy, live a year as rich! 

5.What is your favorite type of food?

I would have to go with a cheeseburger or pizza.

6.What is the best way to boil an egg?

In boiling water?

7.What thing would you change in the world?

I would make education free to everyone in the entire world – learning is good!

8.Best subject at school?

Band; I was excellent in music and I was the high school drum major.

9.What is your favorite post that you have done?

This is difficult for me to answer, I do not want to sound too into myself, but I think it would be easier for me to tell you my least favorite post.

10.Do you think we live in a big brother state?

Yes, absolutely! 

11.If all the world is a stage where does the audience sit

In my backyard! 

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My questions to my nominees:

1.What is your best childhood memory?

2.If you could learn a language, which one would it be?

3. If you could only keep five possessions, what would they be?

4. Who do you most admire in life?

5.Scuba Diving or Sky Diving?

6.Do you have an embarrassing moment you have never told anyone else, if so what is it?

7.What age do you feel right now and why?

8.If you could live in a movie or TV show, what one would it be?

9.If you could see one person in the world the last minute of your life, who would it be and why?

10.Comedy or Drama?

11.If you could speak to everyone in the world at the same time, what would you say?

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And my nominees are: (participating is voluntary)

Steph over at Bold Blind Beautiful

Joyce over at Poppies and Popcorn

Kerry over at Postcards from Kerry

Sadie over at Sadie’s Nest

Charles over at Charles French Reading and Writing

Catherine over at Atypical60

Tony over at The Tony Burgess Blog

Jean over at White House Red Door

Lynn over at An Encore Voyage

Sarah over at Travels With Choppy

David over at Life and Random Thinking

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Thanks again to itsgoodtobecrazyometimes for the nomination.