It’s 2:16 in the morning

I have had a restless night, not much sleep because I have thoughts swirling in my head.

It is a while now since I really have had one of these nights.  Since surgery, I am taking medications to help me sleep because I continue to have pains associated with my surgery and recovery.  I also have pains not associated to my surgery and recovery that make it difficult at times to find a comfortable position to sleep.

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But on this particular night, it is those thoughts swirling in my head.

I am unsure how long it will be by the time I publish this post.  I may have upset someone and I may have upset you and I may have upset myself.  I make no apologies to no one, including myself.

This blog has always and will always be about me and my life and for that I make no apologies.  I am who I am and have changed for the better in many ways over the years.  I continue to change for the better, though at times the changes come slow; to me at times slower than what my life will provide me here on this earth.

When I die, I will not be a perfect person; I hope to be a person that at least tried to be a better person.  I strive every single day to be a better person.  Some days I succeed and many days I fail; some days I fail miserably.

My point is I try and I do it my way, because I know me better than anyone else knows me.

I have been told at times by people that they do not understand me.  I at times do not understand me either, but I still know me better than anyone else.

When creating this blog, it was a way for me to write about me and my life.

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My life in words for I hope one day those important to me would read.  I have no idea if they will read it or not – I don’t know.

This brings me to those thoughts swirling in my head tonight, this restless night and me writing this post at 2:16 in the morning.

I don’t really like to be rude; I can be though, and have been times in my life.  I can be rude and have been rude to people I know and to strangers alike.  My personality is complex and at times people do not understand me.  This has already been identified.

When writing and publishing posts, I attempt to write in a way where I do not come across as rude and I try to consider other’s feelings.  So please do not take this the wrong way – I am being honest here.

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When I write posts about me, the true very personal me, I ask for no advise.  I write the true personal me because it is important for me to do so.  I have come to appreciate support and encouragement here and the friendships I have made are invaluable.

Now, again at 2:16 in the morning, I am writing the true personal me.  It was a little while ago; and that week was tough and that ‘I don’t know’ was tough and therefore I was rude because I did not ask for advice.  I was writing the true personal me because it is important for me to do so.

United We Stand

In many of my posts I mention that I currently live on the Naval Air Station (NAS) Pensacola, Florida.  I would like to think I bring a unique perspective when writing about my experiences and feelings while living here.  In my post ‘Reveille‘, I wrote about the pounding of my heart when I hear on the loud speakers the National Anthem after reveille.  In my post ‘Moment of Silence‘, I wrote about taking a moment of silence to observe and honor the death of one of the Blue Angels pilots.

These events and experiences have changed me and I see some things differently.

Do I have a different perspective today than I once had?

Yes, I do have a different perspective today about many things because of where I am living and my health and what I am living with and without.

Living on a military base can change perspective.

Living with cancer can change perspective.

Living with less possessions can change perspective.

On the Naval Air Station, I see young women and men training, working and serving this country.  They stand tall and proud and I see sincerity in them and this has me thinking about the importance of this country to me and those around me.

Last year I had minor surgeries, chemotherapy and most recently a major surgery.  At this point in time parts of my future are unknown with regards to what comes next with my cancer journey.

I stand tall and proud and I think about the importance of others in my life that are helping me through a difficult time.

Today I live with much less as last year the downsizing was completed and living minimal is taking place.  What a relief to have less and realize the importance of it.

The military enlisted, those serving I salute you and honor you and say ‘Thank you’.

Those around me helping me through a difficult time, I appreciate you and want to say ‘Thank you’.

And to my husband, the one who is always beside me, you are amazing and to you I say ‘Thank you’.

Some lyrics from the song ‘United We Stand’ –

There’s no where in the world that I would rather be

Then with you my love

And there’s nothing in the world that I would rather see

Than you smile my love

For united we stand. Divided we fall

And if our backs should ever be against the wall

We’ll be together, Together, you and I

1998

Today is the 22nd month of my blog!  My anniversary post is something different than the usual posts I write.

3 (March) + 13 (Day) + 22 (Months) = 38

When I was 38 years old, the year was 1998.  If my memory serves me correctly, I found my early 30s to be fun and exciting and found my late 30s to be stressful.  I actually hated my late 30s because I was on the down slope to 40.  Little did I know my 40s would be wonderful years that were a turning point to good things to come.

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Okay back to 38 and 1998.  What was going on in 1998?

If you research, you will find interesting events that occurred in this year.  There were the usual earthquakes around the world, and then there was the Winter Olympic Games in Japan; oh, and let’s not forget President Bill Clinton denied he had “sexual relations” with formal White House intern Monica Lewinsky.

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Okay, enough of that type of information, let’s find some interesting events –

Did you know in 1998, The Search Engine Google was founded?  I did not know this – you may need this information someday for a trivia question.

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Image Provided by: Computer Weekly

Did you know in 1998, Titanic was a popular movie? It was released in late 1997 – I think I went to the movie theater 3 or 4 times to watch it.

Did you know in 1998, Spice Girls were popular?  I like Spice Girls, one of my favorite songs of theirs is ‘Wannabe’.

Did you know in 1998, Star Trek: Voyager was a highly-watched TV show?  Yes, I am a trekkie; I have seen all the TV series, but I will admit I have missed a couple of the most recent motion pictures.  I hope to catch-up soon on seeing these movies.

In 1998, my birthday was on a Saturday and most likely I did nothing to celebrate it.  That year, I was in my 3rd and final bad relationship that would end soon and it would be another 5 years before I would meet Gary.

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1998 and 38; an odd time for me as my 30s were coming to an end and soon the 40s would begin.

Today is the 22nd month of my blog!  My anniversary post is something different than the usual posts I write.

oh, why not?

From theguardian.com article ‘How selfies became a global phenomenon’ –

It starts with a certain angle: a smartphone tilted at 45 degrees just above your eyeline is generally deemed the most forgiving. Then a light source: the flattering beam of a backlit window or a bursting supernova of flash reflected in a bathroom mirror, as preparations are under way for a night out.

The pose is important. Knowing self-awareness is conveyed by the slight raise of an eyebrow, the sideways smile that says you’re not taking it too seriously. A doe-eyed stare and mussed-up hair denotes natural beauty, as if you’ve just woken up and can’t help looking like this. Sexiness is suggested by sucked-in cheeks, pouting lips, a nonchalant cock of the head and a hint of bare flesh just below the clavicle. Snap!

There was a time, I never took selfies, why would I?  I do not participate much in Social Media except my blog here on WordPress.  My posts are then sent out via a tweet on Twitter.  I find I have no time for other Social Media platforms and honestly soon will most likely shutdown my Twitter account.  However, I will keep my WordPress blog going as long as I enjoy it and feel up to it.  What does this have to do with selfies?

There was a time, I never took selfies, why would I?  My blog began with me anonymous.  As the months came and went I became less intimated with expressing myself in words and as fellow bloggers began to read and comment, I felt a sense of comfort.  So, I exposed myself; some of you may remember my posts that slowly exposed me; and now I am totally exposed for all to see.

Now because I am exposed, I take selfies, lot of selfies.  How many is too many?  Most of the time my selfies do not come out the way I would hope for, so another is usually taken.  I now take lots of selfies; most of them of me alone, still many more includes Gary and sometimes Roxy.

Google “selfies meaning” and you receive the following –

sel·fie

ˈselfē/

nouninformal

plural noun: selfies

a photograph that one has taken of oneself, typically one taken with a smartphone or webcam and shared via social media.

“occasional selfies are acceptable, but posting a new picture of yourself everyday isn’t necessary”

I do not usually post a picture of myself every day, it depends on the topic of the post I am publishing.

This past Saturday in my post ‘what comes next…‘, included a picture of me.  When my post is about me and my health, I usually end it with a picture of me.  That post last Saturday, I used an older picture with no intentions.  That post indicated I had lost 22 lbs. of weight since my surgery; this is true, but the picture included is an older picture, therefore I may have misled some readers thinking the photo is the current me.

There was a time, I never took selfies, why would I?  But now, oh, why not?

This post is filled with a collection of selfies.  This last photo is the current me – me with 22 lbs. less weight.

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Sunrise Offered

Sunrise offered a very beautiful spectacle; the water was quite unruffled, but the motion communicated by the tides was so great that, although there was not a breath of air stirring, the sea heaved slowly with a grand and majestic motion.

– George Grey

I took this video several months ago, early one morning to watch the sunrise.

It had much to offer me.

Since my surgery I have yet to walk on the beach, it is waiting for my return.

One day when feeling a little better I plan to take a walk on the beach again.

One day when I am recovered I plan to watch another sunrise.

And take in what it has to offer.

It was no accident

His name is mentioned here in many of my posts, and there are many words to describe him.

His name of course is Gary.

His role is friend, spouse, and most recently caregiver.

Several months ago, a fellow blogger and friend Laurel, published a post about caregivers.  In that post titled ‘For Gary ’, she ended with these words –

Gary and other people in the same role are “unsung heroes.”  That’s a phrase that most of the time represents a person who doesn’t get recognition or notoriety but plays an important, supportive role…”behind the scenes.”

They should be remembered.

Thank you again Laurel for the touching post; reading it again brings tears to my eyes.  Please if you have not read Laurel’s post, please do so – there is an important message there.

As many of you know, a little over 3 weeks ago, I had a major surgery.  Before being wheeled off to the operating room, Gary was holding my hand and we kissed.  He assured me everything would go well and he would be waiting for me.

I woke after surgery feeling I had been hit by a truck and there he was waiting.

I am grateful for Gary my caregiver and my unsung hero; who is strong, supportive, kind, understanding and extremely patient.  The past couple of weeks have been an adjustment for me and Gary.  My body has changed, both inside and outside.

He is still here today, waiting on me hand and foot and I at times feel I do not deserve him.  I am fortunate in that someone else thinks I do deserve him – I am grateful.

I believe everything happens for a reason both good and bad.  Gary and I met for a reason; our relationship developed for a reason; we became married for a reason.

Yep, everything happens for a reason, and Gary is in my life for a reason – one reason is certainly as caregiver and unsung hero.

There is a country song I like by Tracy Bird titled ‘The Keeper of the Stars’, with the song beginning with these lyrics –

It was no accident me finding you

Someone had a hand in it

Long before we ever knew

Now I just can’t believe you’re in my life

Heaven’s smilin’ down on me

Yes, everything happens for a reason; it was no accident me finding you.

Thank you Gary for being in my life, for taking care of me and for loving me.

I do not deserve you, not at all, but I am thankful and grateful you are in my life.

Love you,

Terry

strength

Only 3 weeks ago, I had a 10 ½ hour surgery and was in the hospital for 11 days.  During those hospital days, I had very little physical strength and spent most of my time doing nothing except resting and recovering.  Once home in those first few days I felt I needed to document some thoughts that were swirling through my head; they were important to me.  Those first few days back home I spent little time on the computer and so I voice recorded my thoughts.

The following are words I spoke and recorded one of those first few days back home –

So this is a post about strength – strength that I did not know that I had.  I made my 11 day hospital stay; I made it through being positive, being optimistic.  For those first two nights after a very long surgery, for the first night I was awake for a little while, and thinking to myself; I don’t know how I am going to get through this, but then I fell back into a deep sleep.  And the next night, same room and still in the same position because I have not moved I then thought to myself again; I don’t know how I am going to get through this.  But I kept telling myself, I will, I have the strength within me, I have the perseverance and the positiveness that I am going to get through this and I am going to do well during my recovery.  And during the whole recovery for those nights and more after I did that – I did that.  Certainly I had my aches and pains I had to deal with; and pain medications were there and other medications were there to help me along the way and I did what was asked of me and I found the strength in me that I never, ever thought that I had.  Seriously I never thought I had that strength in me.  But it was there, it was waiting to be used during a time when I needed it the most.  So, my post is about strength; I think that it is probably in all of us, it is in all of us somewhere.  And when we need it the most, I think we all can reach deep down and grab it and use it and get through any difficult situations we may be going through. 

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Cruising

It is 2 days after surgery and I am recovering.  Because past experience has proven I am not the greatest hospital patient, I decided to post some photos taken on our recent cruise last month because they bring a smile to my face.

 

 

 

 

 

I will be in ICU for a couple of days and then the recovery begins.  

I appreciate everyone taking the time to stop by, read and leave many wonderful comments.  Due to my surgery and not knowing how I will be feeling; I am disabling the comments on my post today.  I need a few days of recovery and to grow accustom to the new me.  But know soon I will have comments enabled and I will be ready to respond to each one of them. 

Big Day Monday

For over a year now, a long road has been taken to bring me to this point in my life.

A few words before the day –

Big Day Monday

(Note: my reference to the weather in Florida does not pertain to the whole state because a large portion is sunny and warm this time of year.  I am currently located in Pensacola, Florida and yes, it certainly does become cold here this time of the year)

all about me

October of last year, I wrote a post ‘…just listen‘, here are some excerpts –

Just listen to my words, they have purpose, they have a way with them in describing someone, something, an occurrence, an event, a moment, a feeling, an emotion.

I just need to express, I need to let out, I need to put the information out there and get it out of my head.

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Let it be express and let the words be read.  This is my mind, my complex thinking of many thoughts and many emotions; and though it may be complicated, sometimes simple, sometimes difficult to understand and to comprehend, to calculate.

In today’s post, I write the following –

I write posts because I have found enjoyment in writing and posting and yes, I admit it, I enjoy the comments.

This blog is a reflection of me, but not the whole me.  There are many posts here with aspects of me, but still not the whole me.

I value your comments, your thoughts, your support and your encouragement.  And over the course of many past months and comments from you; you I consider my friends.

But because the whole me is not written here on this blog; there are feelings and emotions and thoughts that I still keep to myself.

You may remember back in September of last year, I had a hospital stay of almost a week.  At that time, I was undergoing chemotherapy and I had a high fever.  That hospital stay was early in my treatment and I was very tired and short on patience.  Part of my experience during that hospital stay included some not so pleasant conversations with people there to do their job; to take care of me.

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A couple of those conversations involved the other person trying to comfort me by providing their personal experience that they thought somehow would make me feel better.

I admit to you and everyone; my cancer, my health issues, my surgery, my aches and pains – they are all about me – nobody else, but me.

I am selfish in that someone else that believes providing their personal experience will somehow make me feel better; well, they are wrong.  I am selfish because my cancer, my health issues, my surgery, my aches and pains – they are all about me.

So, because many parts of me are here in blog posts, but not all of me, I ask for thoughts, support and encouragement, but not personal experiences.

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Again, as indicated in my post last October –

I just need to express, I need to let out, I need to put the information out there and get it out of my head.  Let it be express and let the words be read.  This is my mind, my complex thinking of many thoughts and many emotions; and though it may be complicated, sometimes simple, sometimes difficult to understand and to comprehend, to calculate.