Chats, Tears & Love

Last month, in my post ‘Phone Calls‘, I wrote the following –

(note: since the very beginning of my journey with my cancer, all procedures and tests and treatments; all resulted in bad news.  I have not once received good news in the past 1 ½ years.  NOT ONCE)

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Image Provided by: Emedicine Medscape

So, the news of my cancer spreading and growing was received on a Friday; and Saturday Gary made a couple of calls.

What was discussed in these phone calls?

Gary was honest and sincere and direct.  He was caring and sensitive and calm.  He called these 2 people to let them know the truth concerning my current health situation.  He told them I am in a great deal of pain to the point I am using a cane to help me walk.  He told them I have lost almost 40 lbs. and my appetite is not always the best.  He told them the results of the latest scan.

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Image Provided by: Kyrene Foundation

He told them what is to come with regards to my future treatment and the slim possibility of positive results.  He told them more than likely we would not make it to Texas for Thanksgiving.  He told them he felt it important that they (my family) consider making plans to visit me here in Florida.

In today’s post, I write the following –

You remember last month on Father’s Day weekend, I received a surprise visit from my 3 sons?  My heart was happy and the time spent together that weekend is priceless.  It was by far the best Father’s Day I have ever had.

I just recently had more visitors that left yesterday after a weeklong visit.   My dad and stepmom drove from Texas to come visit me.  The time spent with my dad was special and I feel a closeness to him I have never felt before.  We chatted about our relationship and the mistakes we made along the way, and the love we have for each other.  We talked about my current health situation and we cried together and he provided me support only a dad can.

The weeklong visit was fun, special and very emotional and one I will never forget.  My dad has Parkinson’s that has progressed in recent years; he is lovingly taken care of by my stepmom.  She is an amazing lady, who I have great respect for.  I know my dad is in good hands with her, just like I am in good hands with Gary.

Image3Thank you dad, for taking the time to visit me.

I love you,

Terry

My Feet – A Fresh Perspective

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Image Provided by: TM Forum Inform

I am in year 3 of my blog.

In the early days of this blog, there are posts that received little exposer.

I have a new category ‘Reruns – A Fresh Perspective ’.  This category reposts these earlier posts that received little exposer and a fresh perspective on how I feel about them today.

This post was originally posted on May 16, 2015 –

When I was a small child, I would spend time at my neighbor’s house.  The father of that family would always go barefoot and for whatever reason, I remember what his feet looked like.  He had corns, calluses and cracked heels.  As a child, maybe I thought it was a disease or a lack of hygiene or thought it was normal, not exactly sure what I thought, I just remember how ugly they were.  Fast forward about 50 years and I have my neighbor’s feet!

I have the same corns, calluses and cracked heels – just like my neighbor!  But its ok, my feet reflect the life I have lived, the many years of walking with shoes on but mainly walking without shoes.  I like walking barefoot and walk without shoes any chance I get.  My feet reflect who I am as does my face (that’s another blog post).  My feet reflect my running days; years of running and the many years of walking.  It would be interesting to know how many steps my feet have taken in all my years.

My smartphone has a pedometer that tracks the steps I take throughout the day.  The days I go to the gym and use the elliptical and treadmill, I certainly go beyond 10,000 steps, which my pedometer indicates as very good.  I don’t carry my smartphone on my body at all times, so some days my pedometer indicates I have not taken many steps.  When parking at public places, I am the person who parks the furthest away from the entrance, I always take the stairs and I make sure I walk a lot every day.

So, what’s the point of this post?  I think our feet reflect who we are, certainly where we have been and what we have been doing.  My feet let me dance, my feet let me swim, my feet let me see and reach higher.  My feet have brought me from childhood to adulthood and will continue to carry me to my senior years.

I appreciate my feet even with the corns, calluses and cracked heels.

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A Fresh Perspective –

Much has changed since I wrote that post back in 2015 except, I continue to appreciate my feet.  What has changed?  It was only 6 weeks ago I was walking 1-2 miles per day with some discomfort.  I mentioned in several posts about my increased pain and how it was affecting my walking.  Rapidly the pain increased in my right grown and the walking became worse forcing me to use a cane and now I am using a walker.  Then came reduced physical inactivity and most recently a 7-day hospital stay where I remained bedridden for most of that time.  This combination has caused severe edema in my feet and ankles.

My feet continue to function and do their job even though they are swollen and tired – I continue to appreciate my feet.

Gator Gary

My category ‘Pictures & Stories’ are posts with me writing a fictional, creative short story about a picture.

Gator GaryGator Gary –

It was on the bucket list #8, just behind #7 Mud Wresting a Baboon.

So, #8, is to ride a gator.

As time approached to attempt the completion of bucket list #8, the anxiety increased.

But who was more anxious?

Gary was ready and mentally prepared for the task; bucket list #8.

The Gator not so much.

As the mounting of the Gator took place, there was a frozen stance.

The Gator in its frozen stance did not respond to Gary’s commands.

So, would bucket list #8 be checked off as completed?

day of remembrance

Today is Monday and a national holiday here in the United States.  We celebrate Memorial Day today to honor those that have died while in service fighting in any war.

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Image Provided by: http://www.forbes.com

But as usual, with most holidays, we decide to celebrate it for something else.  Memorial Day is now celebrated as the unofficial start of summer, picnics and camping season.

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Image Provided by: keystonerv.com

From Keystone RV Company website article ‘Why You Should Never Wish Someone a “Happy Memorial Day”’ –

Memorial Day was originally called Decoration Day as a day of remembrance for those who have died in service of the United States of America.  Since Memorial Day honors those who have made the ultimate sacrifice for our Nation you should not wish someone a “Happy Memorial Day.”

The above-mentioned article has ‘11 Facts You Didn’t Know about Memorial Day’ – click the link above to find out what those facts are.

Whether you live in the United States or another country, let’s not forget the many brave people who have died in the many wars of this world’s history.

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texasback.com

drowning

14 years ago today, Gary and I met for the first time.

If you are interested in how we met, please take the time and read my post ‘The Hit – The Last Chapter‘.

We usually do not celebrate the anniversary of the day we met or the anniversary of our marriage.

We are happy we are together, though sometimes living in a small RV at times can be trying.

Sometimes, it seems being close together 24 hours a day in close quarters can appear like one is drowning.

Just kidding, I just thought that statement would be a good segue.

I will end this post with a song; to understand why I picked this song, you would need to read the above-mentioned post.

#MyFirstPostRevisited

My friend Tikeetha over at A Thomas Point of View tagged me to participate in the My First Post Revisited challenge.

This challenge was started by blogger Sarah Brentyn over at Lemon Shark.

Thank you Tikeetha for the nomination and Sarah for starting this challenge.

My First Blog Revisted

Here are the rules for this challenge –

No cheating. (It must be your first post. Not your second post, not one you love…first post only.)

Link back to the person who tagged you (thank them if you feel like it or, if not, curse them with a plague of ladybugs).

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Other rules –

Cut and paste your old post into a new post or reblog your own bad self. (Either way is fine but NO editing.)

Put the hashtag #MyFirstPostRevisited in your title.

Tag…um…five (5) other bloggers to take up this challenge.

Notify your tags in the comment section of their blog (don’t just hope they notice a pingback somewhere in their spam).

Feel free to cut and paste the badge to use in your post.

Include “the rules” in your post.

My First Post Revisited –

Published May 13, 2015 –

This is my very first post. What should I write that may be of interest to others?  Not much and then again maybe I do have many things I can write about.  I am an ordinary person, just like many others who live ordinary lives and do ordinary things.  I have many opinions about the everyday stuff, some important and some not so important.

The words I write, some readers may not like, others just will not read them, but others may find very interesting.  My words are my own and do not belong to anyone else.  The writing comes from me: my opinions, thoughts and ideas may change daily, over a longer period of time or never.

I will start soon writing about something and see where it goes from there.

In today’s post –

As you can see, that first post was quite boring and uninteresting.  I had an idea what I wanted to write about, and I had a goal to write 1 post each day for 1 year.  I achieved that goal and again decided year 2, I would write 1 post each day.  So far, so good as I near the completion of my year 2.

Many of you know me and my struggles, my strengths, my personality and my life.  In my writings, I try to be honest and not sugarcoat my posts.  I am human, I make mistakes and I have feelings and I in no way want to upset others – though I know I have – even as recently as the past couple of weeks.  I want to continue this blog because I have become friends with many wonderful people around the world.  But, there is a part of me that wants to give up and delete it all.  I remind myself the reasons for starting this blog to begin with, but I wonder at times if those reasons are still important.

Thank you again Tikeetha for nominating me for this challenge.  Although, I think my first post is stupid, I have come a long way in the past almost two years.  I have learned much about myself through this voyage called blogging.

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I am nominating these bloggers to participate in this challenge.  You are in no way obligated to participate, but it would be fun and interesting to read your very first blog.

Kathryn over at anotherfoodieblogger

Paula over at Never A Dull Bling

Sarah & Choppy over at Travels With Choppy

Marci over at What’s for Dinner Moms?

Osyth over at Half Baked In Paradise

Quite – Quiet

In my post ‘Of course, … a course‘, I wrote the following –

At times my brain sees and reads something different than what I write.  In past posts, I write about my learning disabilities as a child, my internal struggles with myself; it is all here on my blog somewhere.  I make mistakes, I have shortcomings, and I am no expert at writing.

In today’s post, I write the following –

Ages ago when I was in 7th or 8th grade, I remember taking a typing class.  Who remembers typewriters?

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Image Provided by: http://www.typewriters.us

I have no memory of when the last time I saw a real typewriter.  Do they even exist anymore?

I was very good at typing and could type over a 100 words per minute with very few if no mistakes.  Remember typewriters had no autocorrect and if you did make a mistake, there was always whiteout.  Who remembers whiteout?

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Image Provided by: http://www.nordisco.com

As I grew older and left the typewriter for a computer keyboard, my typing skills increased and others would be impressed with my abilities on a keyboard.  I would type away pounding on the keyboard as I was always a hard hitter on the keys; therefore, I had to replace many keyboards.

I had and still have a little bit of dyslexia.  At times when typing, when I want to use a certain word, the fingers on the keyboard often times will reverse letters or totally switch the order of letters.  Now that I am older this occurs more times than I like, but I correct my mistakes and move on.  The good thing about computers is I do not have to use whiteout.  So much easier to correct and less of a mess.  Plus, the bottle of whiteout would dry out too quick and it would have to be thrown away before the full bottle was used.

So, what does Quite and Quiet have to do with this post?

I quite often make mistakes when typing now, but usually catch them: sometimes I don’t, but usually I do.

I need quiet time to write my posts, because along with my dyslexia and other learning disabilities, I am unable to concentrate when there is noise, it distracts me.

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Image Provided by: slideplayer.com

I also quiet often will make mistakes when there is noise around me, I need my surroundings to be quite.

Did you catch that?

I did that on purpose this time – because this occurs often.

I am thankful my computer will help me correct mistakes and I do not have to use whiteout.

Turning 21

Today is the 21st month of my blog!  My anniversary post is something different than the usual posts I write.

Hum, 21 months……

wikpedia.org has the following –

Age 21 –

In several countries 21 is the age of majority.

In all US states, 21 is the drinking age.

In Hawaii and New York, 21 is the minimum age that one person may purchase cigarettes and other tobacco products.

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Image Provided by: Cleveland City Council

In some countries it is the voting age.

In the United States, 21 is the age at which one can purchase multiple tickets to an R-rated film. It is also the age to accompany one under the age of 17 as their parent or adult guardian for an R-rated movie.

In some states, 21 is the minimum age, persons may gamble or enter casinos.

In 2011, Adele named her second studio album 21, because of her age at the time.

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Image Provided by: Wikipedia

Hum, 21 years……

When I was the age 21: I was in my 3nd year of marriage.

When I was the age 21: I had been drinking for several years, 18 was the drinking age back then, it was changed to 21 after I had already turned 21 – lucky me.

When I was the age 21: I had been smoking for several years, I started at 16 and finally quit for the final time last year.

When I was the age 21: I most likely voted for the first time – I always wondered why I had to wait until 21 to vote, when I was required to register for the draft at age 18.

When I was the age 21: I have no idea what my first R-rated film I saw – the best top grossing R-rated film that year was ‘Stripes’ starring Bill Murray.

When I was the age 21: I do not believe I had gambled or been in a casino – I certainly have had my share of visits to a casino in the past several years.

When I was the age 21: I had no best selling album – but that year REO Speedwagon did, it was titled ‘Hi Infidelity’.

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Image Provided by: feelgrafix.com

Today is the 21st month of my blog!  My anniversary post is something different than the usual posts I write.

Damn You Pictures

In my post ‘Spending time away‘, I wrote the following –

While I am on one of the biggest ships, sailing the Atlantic Ocean visiting several Caribbean islands; my plan involves some days publishing a brand-new post and other days re-publishing an older post.  I wrote posts early in my blog that received little exposer and I consider them among others as interesting posts. I know I can reblog these posts, but decided instead to create a new post for each and give a different name to them.

I appreciate everyone taking the time to stop by, read and leave many wonderful comments.  My time away sailing and enjoying other activities will result in time offline and will prevent me from responding to the many wonderful comments I receive.  Therefore, I will be disabling the comments on many of my upcoming posts while spending time away.  There will be times I will have some time online and you will see me a little here and there on WP.  But, most of my time will be offline having fun, relaxing and enjoying the sun.

In today’s post, I write the following –

These words were originally published in June, 2015 –

The last several days I have not physically felt well resulting in my body and mind becoming fatigued.  Yesterday morning my partner left the home to run some errands and I sat in a recliner in our upstairs main room to relax some.  At this point, I have had minimal sleep in the past couple of nights and very little to eat in the last couple of days.  My body is exhausted and my mind is tired, lethargic along with feeling a little dizziness.

So while sitting in my recliner I stare at the pictures hanging on the opposite wall across from me.  These pictures display my partner and me not so many years ago at a younger and more youthful age; also are pictures of my sons and then there is the picture of my grandson and me.  As I continue to look at the pictures I think to myself about the relationship I would like to have with my sons.  I reflect upon the feelings I have concerning my failure as a father and most likely the failure as a grandfather.  And as the thoughts swirl through my mind concerning my partner dealing with my moods and my behaviors and that he still loves me and accepts me; I then start crying profusely.  I start crying profusely not because of these thoughts; not because of the people in my life and not because of the labels of failure I place on myself, but because the pictures on the wall are not hanging straight.  They are not hanging straight on the wall and this troubles me, damn it!

The anxiety and frustration of these pictures not hanging straight on the wall take me back to another time and another place.  I am taken back to my 20s with the same thoughts and reactions; my wife and I are having issues related to me needing to straighten the pictures.  As soon as I noticed a picture on the wall that was not hanging straight I would immediately have to correct it, it would drive me crazy if I did not.  And still today I sit here crying because the pictures on the wall are not hanging straight.  Forget my feelings of those important people in the pictures; what matters the most at this moment is the damn pictures are not hanging straight.

The end result is different today than in my 20s; even though I still struggle with the pictures on the walls not hanging straight, this time I did not attempt to straighten them, instead I wrote about it and left them as is!

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Online Presence Never Dies

My online presence will live forever – my online presence never dies.

Have you thought about what happens to our online presence once we have left this world?

Online presence: what happens to these when we are gone?

I have a Facebook account and a Twitter account and a Tumblr account and a YouTube account.  I have a Tripit account and another website currently parked – not being used at the moment but does include quite a bit of data.  I also have a WordPress account with a blogsite that includes writings, posts and pictures and media files of me and my life.

What happens to this online presence once I have left this world?

Will my online presence live forever – will my online presence die?

I have all the necessary documents prepared for when my life ends.  I have the Will, I have the instructions upon my death, it is all prepared.  The instructions state to delete all my online presence and to wipe away my existence.  First I think about, will this actually occur.  After all I am assuming whoever is left with this responsibility will actually delete my online presence.

Then I think about, if they actually delete my online presence, is it really deleted?  I assume, my online presence will be deleted someday.  I am hoping who is responsible for this follows through with my wishes.

But am I really deleted from online forever, never to have existed?  I really do not think so – I am there somewhere filed away in terabytes of data.  Maybe someday I will show up again or maybe just left there never to be seen or read or listened to again.  Why do I care, if I am already gone from this world?  After all I am dead, why do I care that I still live in the online presence world?

In my post ‘Legacy‘, I concluded with the following –

The book will most likely never be written, and I am okay with this realization – my autobiography, my memoir is this blog.

This blog is what I want to leave as a legacy; to my kids or whoever else is interested in reading about me and my life.

In today’s post, I conclude with the following –

I am not sure why I waste my mind on thinking about what will happen with this blog once my life has ended.  Why do I really care?  Part of me wants to leave something behind, a reminder I guess that I was here.  Part of me wants to leave nothing behind, as if I were never here.  This battle in my brain, in my mind is a struggle between my existence being one of worth or one of waste.

Why would I want to leave an online presence, an existence that was a waste?  Then again, that online presence, and existence may be worth something to someone, someday.