If it seems I have published lots of downer posts lately, well you are correct I have. For the month of September, many of my posts are about my life with cancer and the impact it is having on me. I struggle with my emotions in that I want to deal with it with a positive attitude. But yet many times I do not, instead I allow cancer to dictate my moods and emotions toward the negative side – the dark side.
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I started chemotherapy the end of August and looking back at my posts in September I see a slide downhill into a dark hole of doom, gloom, despair, negativity and basically a living hell not only for myself, but Gary. The one person here each and every day to help me is the one person I take my frustrations out on. This easy going man is receiving the severe brunt response from a person who is allowing cancer to dictate the daily temperament.
So many of those posts in September reflect the transformation of a man once happy to now a man who seems lifeless at times. September reflected the start of a phase that was unwelcomed and unfamiliar and came in with a vengeance. This surge forced physical pain into my life, many blood samples, surgical procedures, chemotherapy treatments, doctor’s visits and hospital stays. I was not ready for this whirlwind of change.
In September, I threw in a few positive posts and still others that were not related to the current happenings of the day. I have always wanted my blog to be diverse in topics even though the main focus is my life. But my life currently is focused on cancer and all that it entails. I do not like that cancer is calling me toward the dark side or it may be that I do not like that I am allowing myself to be called toward the dark side.
I remind myself of that time decades ago and wrote about in my post ‘The Great Depression of the 1980s‘, which included these words –
This decade evolved into depression, attempted suicides, a stay in a psychiatric hospital, and years of therapy and medications that carried into the next decade.
As a result of these issues I became very depressed to the point that it was difficult for me to get out of bed on some days. I think I remember once staying in bed for up to 3 days with no desire to do anything.
In today’s post, I conclude with the following –
Decades ago I accepted the calling into the dark side and again today it calls me. I allowed myself to be tempted and made steps toward the dark side; but I need to stop – because my life and more importantly Gary’s life is experiencing the evil of those steps.
September is over and the downer posts were published. The change of the season is in the air; the crispness, the coolness, the change in color and the change in nature. With these changes I to need to change also and my desire now is that my October change is from a step into the dark side to a step in the other direction. A step into a bright side; brighter emotions, brighter moods and a positive brighter me to deal with cancer.