Pain

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For the many months

It has come and gone

 

It seems like a lifetime

That I have made it my own

The surgeries, the short recoveries

And there is my personal hell too

The many days, the many nights

There was never a rescue

 

There were short breaks

Before the significant reprise

The many tears that flowed

From my watery eyes

Sometimes different and many times the same

Front and back and in between too

Sometimes small and many times big

But then the time came it grew, it grew

Before the major one

Its significance overwhelmed

It took my strength

I became unhelmed

 

And the surgery to end it all

With more pain to follow

The pills, the pills

So much to swallow

Slowly the dispense as it takes its time

I want it a memory and not in the present

But I am reminded each day

Today it is another event

What lies in the future

It is unknown at this time

As in the past and today

There seems to always be a climb

 

The pain is here today

For this one thing I know

As the days become weeks

The pain will come and go

Touching your comments

It was January 16th when my 10 ½ hour surgery took place.

I wrote about strength I found within myself in my post ‘strength’.

In that post, I voice recorded thoughts the immediate days’ home after the hospital stay.

Here is another voice recorded thoughts now documented for you and about you –

Write a post about that first night after surgery I was still feeling lots of the anesthesia and under lots of pain medication.  And I remember feeling like I was in your comments.  I was in your comments; almost like I am walking around in your comments, the words you have left me.  Not just the recent comments, but the past weeks and months comments; the encouraging words and the supportive words; the words of love and the words of support and the words of encouragement.  It was as almost as I was walking through these comments from all of you, I was touching them and it was helping me with my strength; it was helping me say you are going to get through this because there are so many other people there – there are so many other people out there who are encouraging you and supporting you and praying for you and thinking about you.  And who are touching you in a way that you are going to succeed and you are going to be strong.  And that is what I was doing; I was walking through your comments; almost like a stage and all your comments are sitting there on this stage in big letters.  And I am walking by and I am actually touching them, touching your actual words and feeling them and experiencing them.  That is the only way I can explain it, that is the only way I can explain this dream or hallucination or whatever it is I was experiencing at the time.  But I really truly felt that, that my friends helped me so much – I really, really do believe that.  I know it took a lot for me to deal with my surgery and the feelings afterwards, but I really truly feel that experience, that hallucination or dream or whatever was a big part that started helping me on a good start, on a good note to start my recovery. 

Thank you for always supporting me and encouraging me through your words and comments.

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Freakshows

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The priceonomics.com article ‘The Rise and Fall of Circus Freakshows’ begins with the following –

In 19th century America, gawking at people who were born with deformities was not only socially acceptable — it was considered family entertainment.

P.T. Barnum made millions by capitalizing on this. His “freakshows” brought together an amalgam of people considered to be curiosities — bearded ladies, tattooed men, the severely disfigured, and the abnormally short and tall — many of whom were unwillingly forced into the industry as young children.

In my post ‘I remain grateful (Reader Discretion Is Advised)‘, I wrote the following –

In 5 days, this coming Monday, I will no longer have control of my urination.

Let me be honest, one more time, I have always been honest here on my blog and at times direct.

In 5 days, this coming Monday, I will have a stoma or also referred to as a urostomy, an ileal conduit or urinary diversion.

I will have a pouch or bag on the outside of my body to collect my urine.  I will no longer have control of my urination.

In today’s post, I write the following –

In yesterday’s video post, I mentioned the physical strength is slowly becoming better, but at times my mind is weak when dealing with the changes made to my body.  As with the physical strength, I know the mental strength will increase as well.

A comment on yesterday’s post from my friend and fellow blogger Osyth included the following words –

….your psyche is bound to ricochet back and forth but you are endeavouring and doing your best and that is all you can ask of yourself.

This is a great description of what my mind is going through during the past several weeks and most likely weeks to come.

I am home recovering from my surgery and at times my typing continues to be a little slow and at times the computer is limited because I need to rest.  During rest sometimes I will voice record my thoughts.

About a week ago, I voice recorded the following –

It is in the afternoon and I decided to take a nap and I lay here by myself because Gary is at the gym.  I feel the urostomy bag touch my waist area and I start to cry.  I cry because I do not feel – I no longer feel whole, I feel defective.  I feel like a freak.  I feel unattractive and this is just something I have to become accustomed to.  But these are my feelings right now.  I know there are many people in the world that have bags on the side of their bodies to collect urine and other body waste and maybe other things I don’t even know about.  But this is me, this is new to me and though my recovery from my surgery is going well, my physical body and the emotional part of it is going well also – I still have my moments.   I still have my moments where I just feel different, I don’t feel myself. 

I feel like a freak.

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strength

Only 3 weeks ago, I had a 10 ½ hour surgery and was in the hospital for 11 days.  During those hospital days, I had very little physical strength and spent most of my time doing nothing except resting and recovering.  Once home in those first few days I felt I needed to document some thoughts that were swirling through my head; they were important to me.  Those first few days back home I spent little time on the computer and so I voice recorded my thoughts.

The following are words I spoke and recorded one of those first few days back home –

So this is a post about strength – strength that I did not know that I had.  I made my 11 day hospital stay; I made it through being positive, being optimistic.  For those first two nights after a very long surgery, for the first night I was awake for a little while, and thinking to myself; I don’t know how I am going to get through this, but then I fell back into a deep sleep.  And the next night, same room and still in the same position because I have not moved I then thought to myself again; I don’t know how I am going to get through this.  But I kept telling myself, I will, I have the strength within me, I have the perseverance and the positiveness that I am going to get through this and I am going to do well during my recovery.  And during the whole recovery for those nights and more after I did that – I did that.  Certainly I had my aches and pains I had to deal with; and pain medications were there and other medications were there to help me along the way and I did what was asked of me and I found the strength in me that I never, ever thought that I had.  Seriously I never thought I had that strength in me.  But it was there, it was waiting to be used during a time when I needed it the most.  So, my post is about strength; I think that it is probably in all of us, it is in all of us somewhere.  And when we need it the most, I think we all can reach deep down and grab it and use it and get through any difficult situations we may be going through. 

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my struggle with cancer

This past Monday was 2 weeks since my surgery and my aches and pains from surgery are slightly reducing and my physical strength is slowly increasing.  A few days ago, I had a follow-up visit with my Urologist Dr. P.; he indicated the recovery is progressing as expected and he would see me again in 3 weeks.

In December in my post ‘a walnut-sized gland‘, I wrote about experiencing some pain starting prior to my cruise in December that progressively became worse.  At that time, my Urologist Dr. P. thought it might be a prostate infection and prescribed antibiotics and pain medication.

One month ago, in my post ‘to whine some today’, I wrote about my Urologist Dr. P. removing my ureteral stent and finding another small tumor in my bladder which is not surprising because my bladder cancer has a very high recurrence percentage; this was the reason to have my Radical Cystectomy surgery.  In that post I whined about the increasing pain and discomfort I was experiencing and the tears that flowed from my eyes due to the poor quality of life I was undergoing at that time.

A week prior to my surgery in my post ‘the next 9 days‘, I wrote about my visit with my Oncologist Dr. D. to discuss the pain I was experiencing.  She indicated at that time her first impression is that my cancer may have spread to my nerves.  Pain medications were increased due to the amount of pain I was experiencing and another round of imaging tests were ordered.  The CAT Scan, PET Scan and MRI resulted in nothing out of the ordinary.

Today, I wanted to provide everyone an update on what is taking place with regards to my cancer.

My surgery took 10 ½ hours to complete.  Dr. P. indicated part of my bladder had somehow embedded itself into my large intestine; he had to take extra time to delicately separate the two.  In the previous month when I was experiencing my extreme pain I would complain about having a ‘knot’ in the middle of my gut.  With the imaging tests coming back with nothing out of the ordinary, Dr. P. said this was most likely the cause of that ‘knot’ feeling and because today I no longer feel the ‘knot’, I would agree.

Prior to leaving the hospital last week, I received my Pathology report from my surgery; the results indicated my cancer had spread.  My Radical Cystectomy removed several organs and in males the seminal vesicles are also removed.  My cancer had spread into the seminal vesicles and these glands have many nerves running through them.  This most likely was the reason for the extreme pain I was experiencing prior to surgery and now that pain I no longer feel.  The Pathology report also found the cancer had spread into other lymph nodes in the pelvic region; the surgery also removed all lymph nodes in my pelvic region.

Bottom line is Bladder Cancer spreading to other parts of the body can be difficult to treat and the 5-year survival rate is very low.

While in the hospital, I spoke briefly with my Oncologist Dr. D. and will meet with her again in 2 weeks to discuss the options available in moving forward with my struggle with cancer.

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T.G.I.F.

This past Monday, I had surgery.  Prior to the surgery, when I scheduled my posts for this week, I had no idea how my recovery would be going.  I felt I would need all week for some recovery before I would post about my status.  My plan is to update you on how I am feeling and the status of my recovery in the next few days.

For today,

Thank God It’s Friday

Back in 1978, there was a movie release ‘Thank God It’s Friday’.

Lots of good music and booging taking place in this movie.

As you know I have published a few Boogie Blogging posts and will again this year.

Until my next Boogie Blogging post, enjoy the video.

 

I will be in ICU for a couple of days and then the recovery begins.  

I appreciate everyone taking the time to stop by, read and leave many wonderful comments.  Due to my surgery and not knowing how I will be feeling; I am disabling the comments on my post today.  I need a few days of recovery and to grow accustom to the new me.  But know soon I will have comments enabled and I will be ready to respond to each one of them. 

Recovery has started

3 days ago, I had surgery – 3 days ago, I had a Radical Cystectomy – 3 days ago, I had parts removed from my body.

Per webmd.com –

Radical cystectomy is the removal of the entire bladder, nearby lymph nodes (lymphadenectomy), part of the urethra, and nearby organs that may contain cancer cells. In men, the prostate, the seminal vesicles, and part of the vas deferens are also removed.

I am not a good patient and I hate hospitals; I am doing my best and the recovery has started.

As I spend time in the hospital I remind myself the pain will pass and although I am missing parts, I am still me.

Life today may not be wonderful and full of rainbows, but it will be again soon.

This song by Israel Kamakawiwo’ole is a favorite of mine, it warms my heart and brings a smile to me.

 

I will be in ICU for a couple of days and then the recovery begins.  

I appreciate everyone taking the time to stop by, read and leave many wonderful comments.  Due to my surgery and not knowing how I will be feeling; I am disabling the comments on my post today.  I need a few days of recovery and to grow accustom to the new me.  But know soon I will have comments enabled and I will be ready to respond to each one of them.

The Day After

It is the day after surgery and I am recovering.   Because past experience has proven I am not the greatest hospital patient, I decided to post some funnies today.

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Image Provided by: 123Greetings

 

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Image Provided by: http://www.webdonuts.com

 

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Image Provided by: http://www.womanandhome.com

 

'You're looking well.'

Image Provided by: http://www.cartoonstock.com

 

I will be in ICU for a couple of days and then the recovery begins.  

I appreciate everyone taking the time to stop by, read and leave many wonderful comments.  Due to my surgery and not knowing how I will be feeling; I am disabling the comments on my post today.  I need a few days of recovery and to grow accustom to the new me.  But know soon I will have comments enabled and I will be ready to respond to each one of them. 

the day my life changes

Today is the day, the major surgery takes place and the day my life changes.

I will remain grateful as there are others in the world who have much less than me – who have nothing compared to me.

But my body will change and I will change and my life will change.

 

Today is the day, the major surgery takes place and the day my life changes.

I will remain humble as there are others in this world who are experiencing much more than me – much worse than me.

But my body will change and I will change and my life will change.

 

Today is the day, the major surgery takes place and the day my life changes.

I will remain appreciative as there are others in this world who have no others to support them – who have no one there for them.

But my body will change and I will change and my life will change.

 

Today is the day, the major surgery takes place and the day my life changes.

I will remain hopeful as there are others who have less to look forward to – who have nothing positive in their future.

But my body will change and I will change and my life will change.

 

I will be in ICU for a couple of days and then the recovery begins.   

I appreciate everyone taking the time to stop by, read and leave many wonderful comments.  Due to my surgery and not knowing how I will be feeling; I am disabling the comments on my post today.  I need a few days of recovery and to grow accustom to the new me.  But know soon I will have comments enabled and I will be ready to respond to each one of them. 

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Big Day Monday

For over a year now, a long road has been taken to bring me to this point in my life.

A few words before the day –

Big Day Monday

(Note: my reference to the weather in Florida does not pertain to the whole state because a large portion is sunny and warm this time of year.  I am currently located in Pensacola, Florida and yes, it certainly does become cold here this time of the year)